Cross Her Heart: A Novel

by Sarah Pinborough

  “Lizzie’s in,” Ange mutters, focused on her phone, as if I can’t read my own pinging matching messages. “Jodie says her mum’s not back this weekend. She’ll double-check but she’s pretty sure.”

  Another bonus to having a friend at uni—much more relaxed parenting. Jodie’s mum does interior design or something for big posh houses, and she has a boyfriend in Paris where she’s currently living while she works on some project. It all sounds very glamorous, but more important, it means she’s hardly ever home. I’ve never met her and Jodie pretty much has the place to herself.

  “Cool,” I say. I want to check my Facebook, but I’ve told myself I won’t until the end of lunch. I pick at the dregs of my cold jacket potato instead. My shoulders ache from the butterfly this morning—not my best stroke—and the gym session last night. We push hard, but I’ve been slacking a bit recently and I’m feeling it. I need to get my shit together or it will start to show to the others, or worse, I’ll start letting the club down. I’ve always had to work harder than them to stay fit. Lizzie is naturally toned and runs like a gazelle. Jodie is only five foot three, but she’s all muscle, lean, angry, and boyish in her swimsuit, and Ange has the curves. Her own “personal floats,” as Lizzie would put it. Not that her boobs stop her from cutting fast through the water. All her femininity dissolves as soon as she dives under the surface. I’m not quite sure how I fit into the pack. “More ass than tit” is how I overheard twatty Jack Marshall talking about me last term—it still stings badly—and he probably had a point. I’ve inherited my mum’s pear shape. Any extra weight goes straight to my thighs, and they’re big enough even when I’m barely eating.

  I may tell Mum that Jodie’s mum is back this weekend, just to stop her worrying. I feel a flash of guilt. Of all of our families, my mum is the most protective. I never noticed it much before. It’s always been us two together—and Auntie Marilyn—and I know she loves me more than anything, and I love her too, but I’m sixteen now and I have to have my own space, like the rest of my friends do. Text me when you get there. Text me when you’re leaving. I’ll come and pick you up, no, really, it’s no problem. I know she means well, but no one else’s mum does that and I can’t help but feel embarrassed. It makes me feel like a child, and I’m not. I’m pretty much a woman. I have my own secrets now.

  Our phones buzz again and we laugh in unison at Lizzie’s message. A gross spunking dick gif.

  “So, are you gonna?”

  Ange always does this weird half-American accent whenever the subject is sex. She breaks off a piece of doughnut and pops it in her mouth, but her brown eyes are sharp on me as she chews.

  I shrug, casual, although my heart trips. Am I? I said I’d do it when I was sixteen, and part of me wants to—at least used to want to—but I don’t see why it’s so urgent I do it straightaway. But Courtney is hot, and he’s totally different, and more than anything he’s cool. Cool boys have never really liked me before and I kind of feel I owe him now. He’s probably not used to waiting, even though we’ve only been sort of seeing each other a couple of months.

  “Probably,” I say, and Ange breaks into an excited grin.

  “Oh my God, I bet he’s totally experienced. Way better for your first time.”

  “He’s been pretty good so far.” I stick my tongue out at her, wiggle it crudely, and wink.

  This time she shrieks loud enough to make several girls at other tables turn and stare.

  The banter comes easily and I know I probably will do it with Courtney this weekend, if only to get it out of the way, and it’s not like we haven’t done most other things anyway apart from that, but I don’t feel the way I used to about him. I’m not overwhelmed by him like I was at the start. Not since . . . well . . . not since the messages started. I’ve got a new secret now. One I haven’t shared even with the girls. I can’t. It’s something that is entirely mine and it’s making Courtney and all his cool seem like teenage-boy bullshit.

  My new Facebook friend. Someone I can really talk to.

  The bell rings out overhead signaling the end of lunch and my heart races. I made it through the hour without looking at Messenger. I don’t like to check in front of Ange or the others and I’ve turned my notifications off. We have sharp eyes as well as strong muscles. We demand to know everything of each other. If it pinged, I’d have to share. We are one.

  As Ange disappears off to Geography, I clear our trays before going to English revision. Only then do I click into FB Messenger. My heart thumps, but quickly falls. No new messages. I can’t believe how disappointed I feel. It’s my sixteenth birthday. It’s important. I thought he cared.

  Maybe later, I tell myself, as I pocket my phone, determined not to be too upset. To believe in him like he said I should. There’ll be a message later.

  4

  Lisa

  It’s gone way better than I expected, and two hours after our meeting starts, the deal is done. I’m still trembling, but this time it’s with pride, exhilaration, and general relief at not messing it up. I walk tall as I lead Simon through to Penny’s office, and all heads turn toward us, even Marilyn’s. It’s not only that I’ve obviously negotiated the contract and it’s a big one, it’s also that Simon Manning is not a man you can ignore. He’s not handsome in a smooth estate agent way like Toby, all hair product and overpowering aftershave, but he exudes something attractive. Handsome probably isn’t the right word. His nose is slightly misshapen as if it’s been broken a few times and he’s got the thickened-out body of someone who used to play rugby but maybe doesn’t so much anymore. Still physically fit, but with less intent. There’s gray hair at his temples, and he has a confidence about him that is alluring and friendly. But then he should be confident, I think, as I shake his hand and say good-bye for now, trying not to enjoy the feel of his strong grip, and leave him with Penny. He’s about to open his fifth hotel and health club. He can’t be much more than forty and he’s well on the way to building an empire.

  I close Penny’s office door behind him, leaving them to it. I can feel the heat in my skin and I know I’m glowing. I can’t believe how well it went. He needs cleaning staff, catering staff, and hotel staff and he’s happy to let PKR—me—manage it all. If I’d known after my first approach how many people he was interested in taking on, I’d have gone straight to Penny to handle it; it’s her company and this is a big deal, maybe one of the biggest contracts the company has ever had. I’m so glad I’d been oblivious. I’d been nervous enough thinking he was going to want maybe thirty workers; I’d have had a breakdown knowing the real figures. But it’s done. And brilliantly. I can’t keep the smile from my face as I emerge into their office chatter.

  “Oh, I always try to walk to work and back wherever I am,” Julia, the new one with the brunette bob, is saying. “Keeps me toned.”

  “Go well?” Toby asks, looking up at me, the girls’ conversation no longer interesting. I can see a glint of envy in his eyes. He’s so desperate to get on and succeed. He likes the slick IT clients, the ones who want graphic designers or web developers on one-year contracts for fifty or sixty thousand pounds, and, yes, they probably do give him bigger chunks of commission when he places someone, but those jobs don’t come along every month. I’ve always liked the other end of the market. Helping people who really want a job, whatever it is. Those who need the sense of self-worth a weekly paycheck brings in. I know how they feel. I felt it once.

  “Better than well, in fact. Turns out it’s going to be a pretty big contract. At least one hundred and fifty people.” I sound like I’m bragging—and I am, but I can’t help it. Pride and falls spring to mind but I let myself have this small moment.

  “Wow, well done!” It’s one of the new girls. Stacey. Long blond hair, acrylic nails. Her words could sound patronizing but they don’t. Under her veneer of makeup and tan, I can see she’s nervous and desperately wants to be liked, to fit in, and get on with her job.

  “Thank you.”

  “Definitel
y drinks on you tonight.” Julia again.

  “I won’t be there, I’m afraid. I’m not much of a drinker and it’s my daughter’s sixteenth birthday. I’m taking her out.”

  “That’s nice,” she says. “Normally at sixteen they only want to be with their friends, don’t they? I certainly did.”

  There’s something sharp in the way she talks and it stings me. She’s a little cocky for someone on her first day.

  I look more closely at her. She’s not as young as I thought she was, however much she’s trying to appear otherwise. She’s over thirty definitely. Botox probably.

  “We’re very close.”

  She smiles, sugar cubes dipped in cyanide, and shows perfect white teeth that are reminiscent of those of a shark. She makes me nervous and it annoys me.

  “I’ll never have kids,” she says. “I’m too career-focused. Couldn’t do it as a single mum either. Hats off to you.”

  It’s an insult wrapped in a compliment and Stacey’s eyes widen at Julia’s nerve, and Toby—obviously the one who’s been talking about me—has the good sense to keep his gaze on his screen as if reading some hugely important e-mail.

  “Thankfully, Lisa is a superwoman who can manage everything and more. If only the rest of us were so capable.” Marilyn has appeared alongside me. Shark smile meets shark smile and this time Julia shrinks slightly in her seat. “Lunch?” Marilyn finishes. The last is addressed to me as if the others aren’t there, flies she’s already swatted away.

  “There’s always one,” she mutters as we get our handbags and jackets. “In any gaggle of women. There’s always one you have to watch. At least we know which it is in this bunch.” She casts a dark glance back at Julia. Why does there always have to be one? I wonder. Why can’t things just be nice?

  * * *

  “He’s gorgeous too.” Marilyn has our drinks, two glasses of Prosecco, and I’m clutching the cutlery as we grab a corner table. “In a rugged kind of way. And it’s so obvious he likes you. All those unnecessary meetings. The way he watched you walk when he followed you through the office.”

  “Oh shut up,” I say.

  “I don’t see why you don’t go for it.”

  “Oh, can you imagine Penny’s reaction? Mixing business and pleasure. And anyway—no.”

  She watches me, thoughtful. My lack of a man comes up at least once a year in a serious way, and she peppers our conversations with it throughout the other months. I wonder if this is going to be another probing lecture. Thankfully, it’s not. Instead, she holds her glass up. “Cheers and congratulations!”

  We clink and sip our bubbles. I like the way it fizzes in my mouth. I prefer to drink at lunchtime because it’s only ever one glass.

  “Oh, before I forget”—she leans over and rummages in her oversize handbag—“I’ve got something for Ava.” She pulls out a small wrapped gift. “From me and Richard. God, I can’t believe she’s sixteen. Where have the years gone? If she’s sixteen, how old are we?”

  “Old,” I say, but I’m smiling as I drink some more.

  I take the present and tuck it in my own bag. It’s not only me who’s lucky to have Marilyn. Ava is too.

  I skipped breakfast because I was so nervous, and although I’ve barely had half a glass, the wine is going to my head. The tension in my shoulders begins to unknot. Then I see Marilyn’s face and I know what’s coming. I was too quick to think she wasn’t going to pry today.

  “Nothing from Ava’s dad?”

  “No.” I bristle, though she’s asking cautiously. Quietly. She knows how this goes. Another conversation that rolls around too often for my liking. “And I’m not expecting anything either.” I need to change the subject. “Anyway, how are you? You seemed quiet yesterday. A bit off. All okay?”

  “I had a headache. It was nothing. You know I get them sometimes.” She looks over at the waitress heading toward us with our food. Is she avoiding my gaze? It’s not the first time she’s had a headache in the past few months.

  “Maybe you should go to a doctor.”

  “And maybe you should go on a date with Mr. Manning.”

  I scowl at her.

  “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. But Ava’s nearly grown up. You need to get back out there.”

  “Can’t we forget this and concentrate instead on how brilliant I am?” I try to lighten the mood, and am relieved when the barmaid arrives with our sandwiches and chips, distracting us with food. How could I ever tell Marilyn anything? She knows it wasn’t a one-night stand like the lie I told Ava, but she doesn’t know the truth of it. The whole truth of it. She wouldn’t understand. Marilyn of the charmed life, the great husband, the nice house, the good job—happy, lovely Marilyn. If I told her, it would change how she saw me. Don’t get me wrong. I wish I could tell her. I’ve dreamed about telling her. Sometimes I find the words sitting right in my mouth, wanting to spill out, but I have to swallow them down like bile. I can’t do it. I can’t.

  I know how words spread. They catch fire and pass from one person to another to another.

  I can’t risk being found.

  5

  Ava

  The rain has almost stopped by the time we get home, but my coat is damp from getting caught in a downpour running to the car earlier and I stamp my feet quietly on the pavement, feigning more cold than I feel to hide my impatience.

  “We can watch a film if you like,” Mum says when she finally gets out. “It’s still early.”

  “I’ve got to revise.” It’s only seven and I’m not planning on going to sleep until at least midnight, but I want to get to the privacy of my bedroom. She looks disappointed, but she’s the one who’s always going on about my exams. It doesn’t stop the squirm of guilt in my guts. We used to always have sofa blanket and movie nights sharing bowls of microwave popcorn. I used to love them. I do love them. But life is more complicated now. He’s waiting. I have to talk to him. Sometimes I feel like I’ll die if I don’t.

  “Oh flip,” Mum says suddenly, with a groan. “I forgot to pick up Mrs. Goldman’s shopping. I’ll have to pop down to the little Sainsbury’s. Will you be okay on your own? I’ll only be ten minutes. Or you can come with me.”

  My irritation rises and I prefer it to the sad guilt of forcing cracks into our relationship. Every time she goes out and leaves me she asks this. Every time. What does she think is going to happen? I’ll stick my finger in a plug socket because she’s not here? “I’m sixteen,” I snap. “You’ve got to stop going on at me like I’m a kid.”

  “Sorry, sorry.” She’s in too much of a rush to get offended and that suits me. I don’t really want to upset her. I don’t actually like upsetting her but she’s becoming so needy now that she can’t control everything I do like when I was little. Our pizza hadn’t been too terrible and I know she’d been trying to make it fun, but all her questions are so cloying and clingy and intrusive. She wants to know everything about me all the time and somehow now I can’t tell her. I don’t want to tell her. Whenever I think about talking to her about something—like Courtney and the sex thing—it all gets tied up on my tongue and I get moody instead. Everything is changing. I need my own space. Now more than ever.

  But still, she gave me great birthday presents. An iPad mini and an underwater MP3 player, way more expensive than the one I wanted. I love the necklace Marilyn’s given me too—thick silver coil with a dark purple glass centerpiece. It’s chunky and cool and perfect for me. Sometimes I wish Mum was a bit more like Marilyn. She’s relaxed and fun. If Mum was more easygoing maybe I would talk to her about stuff. Not everything, I think, as I try not to rush up the path to the house. But some stuff. I couldn’t talk to her about this. She’d go crazy.

  “Up for a chat tonight, Birthday Girl? I’ll be around for an hour or so if you’re not out having fun!” The Facebook message had come in when I’d checked my phone in the loo before the desserts arrived. I said I’d get home as soon as I could and to please wait. I hadn’t realized how needy I sounded when I sent
it, but it does sound a bit lamely desperate and that makes me worry I’m turning into my mum. But God, why can’t people just install Messenger on their phones? Like everyone’s data isn’t already out there in one way or another? Anyone under twenty-five has made their peace with it. It’s only adults who think anyone cares. What’s the point of having a message service you only use from your computer?

  A different kind of privacy.

  The thought worms into my head. It’s the kind of privacy you need when keeping secrets from those closest to you. A wife maybe? Whatever his reasons, it’s the kind of privacy that has made me turn off notifications.

  We all have secrets.

  I’m beginning to realize maybe secrets are great.

  * * *

  I’m trying not to be disappointed when I come downstairs for a drink twenty minutes later. Our chat was brief and all his replies were short. Distracted and not really answering my questions. I don’t want to be upset—at least we had some time—but I guess I’m mainly frustrated. Courtney is all over my WhatsApp now. But I know what he wants. Funny how he’s pissing me off with it a bit. A few weeks ago I’d have been so happy to have him chasing me and making me feel pretty and sexy. Now, he’s simply another irritation.

  I’m quiet on the stairs in my socks and when I turn the corner to head to the kitchen, I stop. Mum’s there. She’s standing by the kitchen table, staring at nothing, and there’s a stiffness to her that’s all wrong. The whole thing looks weird and I’m not sure why, but my heart is racing and my stomach churns. After a moment she reaches into her bag for the small bottle of Prosecco Marilyn gave her, twists the cap off, and drinks it straight from the bottle.