After talking it over briefly with Blue, she’d decided the best course of action was to ignore it altogether. He seemed to lazily approve as he curled into her lap on the bed while she pulled out her laptop and channeled her energies into a deep dive on Dara Torres, using all the avenues at her disposal. Public records were an amazing thing. She learned that Dara lived in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, and had been officially divorced for an astonishing seven years. Seven years. It made up a decent chunk of the time that they hadn’t spoken. On a whim she’d started drafting a message. But it was all anger, it didn’t accurately reflect her feelings, and she knew some of it was spillover from the events of her night. She needed to decompress and perhaps sober up before sending the first communication in over ten years.
That’s when she’d remembered Ax To Grind. A quick search of the website said there was an opening at ten thirty in the morning, and she booked it on the spot.
“I hope you’re not mad.” Kellan polished off her scone and washed it down with a sip of coffee. “I just thought, something different. And it’s close by, so it won’t take up the whole day. We go, we cleanse, we barbecue. What do you say?”
“I think it’s wacky. And perfect.” Ashleigh stood and kissed her temple, scratching the back of her head in the way she loved. “I’m going to get changed. What does one wear to throw axes?” she asked as she sashayed out of the room.
“Something with covered toes,” she called out after her. She heard Ashleigh laugh out loud as she padded up the stairs.
* * *
A full two hours later, they stood on the sidewalk in the bright sunshine.
“That was exhilarating.” Kellan dabbed the light sweat from her brow with the sleeve of her T-shirt. “Admit it, you had fun.”
“At first I was worried I wouldn’t be able to do it,” she said. “But that fifteen-minute instruction at the beginning was invaluable.”
“You had a couple of bull’s-eyes. I was impressed.” Kellan draped an arm across Ashleigh’s shoulders as they started walking.
“You were amazing.” Ashleigh slipped a hand around her waist, giving a gentle squeeze. “No surprise.”
“Aw. Go on.” She waved Ashleigh off in jest. “No, really, go on,” she teased.
Ashleigh playfully punched her ribs. “As if you need any encouragement. Your ego is pretty intact, I’d say.”
“Yours should be too,” she said. “I’ll never get where your doubt comes from.” She’d said it sort of idly, because she wanted Ashleigh to know she was special. She didn’t expect any sort of explanation.
“I think being married for so long and it being so…I don’t know. It wasn’t bad, our marriage. It was just bland. Mediocre. And then seeing Reagan so happy now.” Ashleigh laced her fingers through Kellan’s. “It did something to me. Made me feel like a complete failure, for starters. I’m not putting that on her—don’t misunderstand me.” Ashleigh looked to the sky. “My feelings are mine alone. I know that. Ugh. And now she’s having a baby. I don’t even know what to make of that.”
“Is that something she wanted? That you both wanted?”
“God, no.”
Inexplicably, Kellan’s stomach dropped. Not because she wanted children. In fact, the opposite was true. For a split second she considered telling Ashleigh everything. The whole Dara story. But what if she didn’t understand? What if it changed things between them?
“Sounds terrible, right?” Ashleigh laughed. “You probably think I’m a monster now.”
Kellan squeezed her hand. “Hardly.” She felt so, so many things for Ashleigh. All she could really think about was how difficult it was to keep her emotions in check.
“Don’t misunderstand me—I think kids are great,” Ashleigh continued. “I just don’t want any of my own. Reagan never did either. You know what it is that gets to me?” She paused a moment like she was contemplating whether or not she should vocalize her thought.
“Out with it. No filters.”
Ashleigh let out a frustrated sigh. “In some ways I feel guilty for not letting her go sooner. She’s obviously happy with Josh. And I’m not jealous of her. Or him. I want her to be happy. But at the same time, there is an element to all this that makes me feel somehow erased from the narrative. Like everything we shared wasn’t real. Or didn’t matter. We were together for seventeen years. That should count for something.”
“Do you honestly think she doesn’t care about what you think?”
“I don’t know anymore.”
“She cares about you. Genuinely, I’d say.” She didn’t know why she was offering an opinion, other than it seemed Ashleigh needed to hear it. “It’s obvious how much you matter to her.” Ashleigh touched her fingertips gently and Kellan wondered what she was thinking. On the walk signal, they crossed Eighth Avenue, and Kellan was positive they had overshot her house.
As if reading her mind, Ashleigh said, “Is it okay if we stroll through the park for a bit? There’s still plenty of time before we’re expected home. And it’s actually insane that we haven’t been in Prospect Park yet.”
“Definitely,” she said. There was still a lot she wanted to say, and she hoped the tranquility of the park would give her the courage to do it. “Getting back to Reagan for a second,” she started. “I know you probably didn’t notice last night, but she cares about your opinion. I don’t know if she wanted your blessing or what, but she was basically hanging on your words. I saw it the day we ran into them at the food fest too. It makes me so jealous.” It was cathartic and refreshing to admit out loud, but still her head clouded with stress. There weren’t supposed to be any feelings. Not ones like this. Desire and longing, yes. Even regret for the days they didn’t see each other could be rationalized as wanting to capitalize on the brevity of summer. Pure jealousy of an ex was something altogether different. She knew exactly what it was, and it scared the hell out of her.
“It makes you jealous?” Ashleigh asked.
“Yes.” She lowered her arm from Ashleigh’s shoulder and stuffed her hands in her pockets, self-conscious over the fact that she was divulging to this extent. “I hate that she gets under your skin. I hate that it bothers me so much.”
“Kellan, it’s not like that. I swear.” Ashleigh folded her arms across her chest. “With Reagan, it irks me that I came out looking like a fool. Like my life, our life, was some kind of joke. I know that makes me self-centered and shallow. I don’t even like to say it out loud because it’s so unbelievably pathetic. Logically, I know our relationship was real and valid, but I see her and I just feel…ridiculous.” She stepped forward and put her hand on Kellan’s chest. “I want you to know, I need you to know, I have no lingering romantic feelings for Reagan. None, whatsoever. I spend just about all of my time thinking about you.”
“For real?” Kellan knew she sounded desperate, but in this moment, she needed reassurance.
Ashleigh nodded and the sentiment in her eyes said she was telling the truth.
Kellan swallowed hard, channeling her courage. “Look, I know we’ve said this—us—is, you know, just for fun. Nothing serious.” She hoped her words wouldn’t scare Ashleigh away. “But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to some major feelings right about now.” She pulled at the back of her neck, feeling the tightness around her chest as her heart pounded like crazy. “I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear.”
“Why would I not want to hear that?”
Kellan took a step closer. “Because I know this is supposed to be a no-strings-attached kind of arrangement. And here I am, adding strings. Making it complicated.”
“I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I have some serious feelings of my own.”
“You do?” She’d hoped, but the confirmation sent a chill through her body.
“Of course, I do. Kellan, you’re basically the first person I talk to in the morning and the last person I talk to at night. We spend most days together. You make me smile. I tell you, God, everything.” Ashleigh cove
red her face the way she did when she was shy. “It’s so stupid, but I miss you when we skip a day.”
“It’s not stupid.” She took Ashleigh’s hand away from her face, stealing a kiss. “I hate the off-days.”
“So let’s not have any more.”
She looped her arms around Ashleigh’s waist. “That’s all you. You’re in charge of the schedule.” Kellan watched Ashleigh smile and was happy she knew she was teasing. She swayed them a little. “But I’m leaving in a month—”
“Shh, shh, shh, shh.” Ashleigh covered her lips with one finger. “Uh-uh. We’re not talking about that.”
Kellan smiled in spite of the playful scolding. “So what do we do now?” she asked, still referencing the elephant in the room.
“Now…” Ashleigh stood on tiptoe, wrapped her arms around her neck, and spoke through a string of sweet kisses. “Now, we go eat burgers. I introduce you to my sisters. Granny will no doubt embarrass me.” She rolled her eyes but smiled. “Ooh, there’ll be cake. And”—she finished with a final kiss—“when no one’s looking, I’m going to swipe the leftover icing.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “For later.”
“Later?” She played dumb even though she knew exactly where this was going.
“Later.” Ashleigh’s smirk was coy. “When we go back to your place and you’re inevitably hungry, maybe I’m gonna be the treat.”
“Now that’s a plan I can get behind.”
“Yeah, you will.” Ashleigh’s eyes held both heat and spirit, but beyond the surface was something deeper.
Kellan knew exactly what it was. Because she felt it too.
Chapter Eighteen
“I owe you an apology,” Ashleigh said.
She slid into the chair across from Shauna. Almost a week after her meltdown at Liam’s, she asked her best friend for a brunch meetup at their favorite spot near the park. Shauna had texted her daily since their encounter, but she’d mostly avoided the messages, answering with a chilly request for time. This morning she’d woken with a sense of calm and the knowledge that things would only get more awkward the longer she avoided contact.
“I think it’s the other way around.”
“I don’t know, Shauna. I acted pretty immature.” She pushed her hair behind her ears. “Seeing you guys there. The four of you. And then Reagan with the baby bombshell. The whole thing just blew my mind. I was not prepared for any of it.”
Shauna covered her hand on top of the small table. “I’m so sorry, Ash.” She squeezed her palm a little. “Please know that I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know.”
“We don’t even hang out that much.” Ashleigh shot her a look that said she doubted the truthfulness of the statement, and Shauna hesitated. “The guys get along. Obviously, I’m still friends with Reagan. So, sometimes. It was never meant to be behind your back. Being at Liam’s on your birthday…” Shauna shook her head at herself. “It was inconsiderate. And completely my fault. Mike loves this one craft beer that Liam has on tap. Reagan was dead against it. But I knew you were going out with Kellan, I figured there was no way you’d be there.”
Ashleigh felt her stomach tighten at the memory of seeing them laughing and smiling so easily. At the same time she heard genuine torment in Shauna’s tone.
“It’s okay. I can’t lay claim to the whole neighborhood.” She felt forgiveness coming through. “I bet Liam was thrilled to see you guys.”
“Not really the point.”
“A little bit it is, though. He’s trying to make his restaurant profitable. We’re his people.” It was the truth and she knew it. “Why would any of us give our business to his competitors, right?”
“You’re too good.”
“Ha!” She slapped Shauna’s hand. “The voodoo doll of you I’ve been sticking for the past few days would beg to differ.”
Shauna rubbed her back. “I knew these pains weren’t psychosomatic.” Her smile was contagious. “Can we hug already?”
“Yes.”
Ashleigh stood and their embrace was so heartfelt, she was choked up when they parted. The arrival of their waitress broke the moment.
“Ladies. Coffee, juice, Bloody Marys. What can I get for you?”
“Coffee for me,” Ashleigh said, dabbing an escaped tear away.
Shauna ordered the same, and they perused their menus before they decided to split a salad and a spinach quiche. Their server talked up the hotspot’s signature mini muffins and homemade strawberry butter, and they exchanged a knowing glance before they heartily agreed. As the waitress applauded their choice and walked away, Ashleigh looked at Shauna.
“You can afford the extra calories anyway. Since you double-date at CrossFit now.” She stuck her tongue out.
“Ouch.” Shauna covered her heart but laughed. “I suppose I deserve that.”
“You don’t.” Ashleigh smiled, knowing things were back on track. “But it was right there, and I couldn’t resist.”
“Ash, about Reagan. I should have told you. It’s just…baby news is so weird. It’s like, at first, it’s all, nobody wants to jinx it.” Shauna waved her hands emphatically to make her point. “And then they wanted to tell their families first. Honestly, it never felt like it was really my news to share. Reagan wanted to be the one to tell you. I think she just didn’t know how.”
The explanation made sense and she realized she wasn’t mad at either of them. “I know it’s not my business, and I’m not looking for gossip.” She felt curiosity besting her. “Were they trying to have a baby?”
Shauna’s expression said it all, but she gave an answer anyway. “God, no.”
The knowledge should have soothed her, but it did the opposite. While it was nice to know Reagan hadn’t completely changed who she was, that small comfort was outweighed by the reality of what the truth meant. Reagan and Josh had gotten accidentally pregnant. It implied a neediness and desire for each other that had led to carelessness. Her stomach turned on the spot.
“Ash, she was so scared when she realized.” Shauna toyed with her fork. “When she told me, I honestly think she wished she was talking to you.”
“Stop. Reagan loves you.”
“No, I know. But what we have, it’s not like what she had with you.” Shauna chewed her full lips, seeming to search for words. “What I mean is you two have a connection. I think she misses that.”
“I know,” she said. It was the truth and she realized it in this moment in a way she hadn’t understood before. She missed Reagan too. Not the romantic part of their union, but the loss of everything else hurt just as much, if not more. The years of friendship and closeness, the comfort of being with someone who genuinely cared about you even after they knew all the flaws. It was a trust true and deep and hard to come by. She knew how Reagan stressed about the unknown, how she panicked at the beginning of every school year, listing her own perceived shortcomings as a teacher. She imagined Reagan might be something of a basket case at the thought of motherhood.
“She’s got this. She’ll be a great mom.” Ashleigh said it with pride, knowing the message would make its way back to Reagan. “She’s kind and patient. And she’s far and away the bravest person I know.”
“You mean it, don’t you?”
Ashleigh nodded. For the first time in ages, she didn’t feel anything but pure happiness for her ex.
“How’s things with Kellan?” Shauna asked, obviously attributing her change of heart to the summer romance.
“Great.” She knew she was beaming. She didn’t even try to hide it.
“Girl.” The word curled from Shauna’s mouth. “You better be ready to dish.”
“What?” she teased, sipping her coffee.
“Don’t you what me. Tell me everything.”
“You don’t want to talk about your wedding? It’s right around the corner.”
“What’s to talk about? I love Mike. The man is a saint. He puts up with me and my family, who are driving me batshit crazy. Aside from that, baby
Jesus better give me some good weather. Done. Now you.”
She laughed at Shauna’s boiled down assessment of her big day. “So, me and Kellan.” She loaded a tiny cranberry-orange muffin with strawberry butter. “Things are good. Kellan’s great. Funny. Thoughtful. The other day we were in the subway coming back from somewhere. I forget exactly.” She paused trying to remember if it was the Frick Museum or the 9/11 Memorial. “Anyway, this woman was struggling with her stroller, you know, getting up the stairs. Right away Kellan just carries it for her. Like, without even thinking about it. It was sweet. She’s constantly holding doors, being chivalrous. It’s really nice.”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s great.” Shauna took a sip of water. “She’s a knight in shining armor. Got it.” She rubbed her hands together expectantly. “Now, give me the good stuff.”
“Like?”
Shauna answered her with a look.
“So you only care about the sex?” she teased. “You’re such a dude. Not even interested in my feelings?”
“Wait. There’s feelings?”
“Hmm. Now you’ll never know.” Ashleigh knew her face probably showed the depth of what she was starting to feel for Kellan, but she gave Shauna a full toothy grin, knowing it would drive her crazy that she wasn’t admitting anything just yet.
“Well, hold on now,” Shauna countered. “I am one thousand percent interested in every lewd detail of what happens in the boudoir. But are you saying there are feelings too? Because if that’s the case, you better spill.”
Ashleigh speared a cucumber from the salad and held it aloft. “There might be.”
“Mutual feelings?” Shauna sounded tentative, as though she didn’t want to assume.
Ashleigh didn’t want to go overboard, but after their conversation in the park, she was pretty sure they were on the same page. “I think so.”
Brooklyn Summer Page 18