Back To You (In Tune Book 1)

by Jessica Ruddick

  Grimacing, Lacey stared at it. “Maybe we should toss that one in the dumpster and get a real one for once.”

  “Real ones are too big,” I told her. “We don’t have room.”

  “You’re probably right.” Sighing, she unboxed our equally sad ornaments. A lot of those should probably have been trashed as well, but I didn’t like spending money on items that were purely decorative and only used once a year. If it had been just me, I wouldn’t even have had a tree. Damn. I hadn’t realized what a scrooge I was.

  “Did you get your grades?” I asked.

  “All As and one B,” Lacey replied. “Stupid geology lab. What about you?”

  “A minus.” That I’d managed to pull that surprised me. The semester had been anything but normal.

  Lacey pushed away from the coffee table and stood. “That reminds me. I need to check to see if a spot in a class opened up. No way am I getting stuck in an 8 a.m. class again.” She pulled her laptop out of her backpack and sat on the couch with it. “Did you schedule your class for next semester?”

  I frowned. “No. I’m taking the semester off.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.” I hadn’t planned to, but when I thought I’d be moving to California, I hadn’t signed up for a new class. Then after, by the time I’d come out of my stupor, the class I would have taken was full. Figuring it might be good for me to take a break, I hadn’t bothered checking to see if a spot had opened up.

  “Damn,” Lacey muttered. “A spot opened in another section, but that one’s on Friday afternoon. That’s almost as bad as an 8 a.m.”

  “Pick your poison.” I scowled at the tangled web of Christmas lights. No matter how carefully I put them away the year before, they always came out of the box a jumbled mess.

  She chewed her lip. “I still have a few weeks. I’ll just have to be diligent about checking several times a day. Something is bound to open up.”

  “That’s the spirit,” I said dully. Her optimism was oddly annoying.

  “That sentiment would mean more if you didn’t sound so pissed.”

  “Sorry. These lights are a giant pain in my ass.”

  “If only we had a butler to help us with this sort of thing.”

  I eyed her. “Don’t start.” It wasn’t the first time Lacey had tried to have this conversation with me.

  She huffed. “Come on, Leah. When are you going to talk to me about how you lost us our mansion?”

  “It’s not about that,” I snapped.

  My sister held her hands up, palms out. “Whoa. Sorry. Just trying to make a joke.” Neither of us was overly materialistic, but I knew she’d been looking forward to having the proper house that Gabe was going to provide. So in a way, I’d let her down.

  “I never cared about the house.” I wished I’d shown more enthusiasm. When it came down to it, Gabe hadn’t cared about the house, either. If I’d have told him I wanted pink shutters and to have columns painted like candy canes, he would have looked at me like I was crazy then agreed. The house was his way of showing me he loved me, by taking care of me and what I cared about—namely, Lacey.

  “I know, but besides seeing you happy, the house was the only thing I was going to get out of the relationship.” She grinned. When my expression didn’t match hers, she sighed. “Too soon?”

  “Definitely too soon. Besides, that wasn’t true. Gabe would have flown you out to California, gotten you into shows, probably bought you a car.” I paused. “Basically, if his money could have provided it and you wanted it, he would have given it to you.”

  Lacey’s jaw dropped. “Then get on your knees and start groveling, woman! I would love a new car instead of that piece of shit I have.”

  I couldn’t argue about her car being a piece of shit. Every time she was making the trip back and forth to VVU, I half expected to get a call that she’d broken down.

  I turned my back to her so I could start wrapping the lights around the tree. Lacey came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me. “You know I’m still just joking, right? I wish you’d talk to me about it. You were so happy before, and now…”

  “Now?” I prompted.

  She stepped back out of arm’s reach. “Now, you’re sad and bitter.”

  I opened my mouth to deny it, but there would have been no point. I was sad because I’d lost Gabe, and I was bitter because I had no one to blame but myself.

  “It sucks, Lacey,” I admitted quietly. “It really sucks. I miss him.”

  “So go out to California and see him.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not that easy. I screwed up.”

  “So add an apology to your itinerary.”

  “Again, it’s not that easy.”

  She let out an exasperated breath. “Do you even know Gabe? He loves you. He loves you so much he was going to build me the closet of my dreams. If that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.”

  “He said I push him away. He’s right.”

  “So do the opposite and pull him back.”

  I shook my head again. Why doesn’t she get it? “It’s—”

  “Not that easy? Yeah, you already said that. Look, I get it because I get you. You work harder than anyone I know. When you were about my age, you took me on. And to gain the honor of raising a teenager, you put yourself through hell.” Her gaze locked onto mine. “Yes, I know what you did to get Dad to let me go.”

  I looked down, unable to hold her gaze. “I didn’t want you to find out about that.”

  She snorted. “I’ve known since it happened. And I didn’t say anything about it because I was a coward. I’m not brave like you.”

  “That’s not true,” I protested. “Don’t sell yourself short, Lacey. You—”

  “While I’d love to spend the next hour listening to you wax poetic about all the great things about me, this isn’t about me. This is about you. It’s your turn to be happy. To do that, you need to stop being so damn independent and so damn brave.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense.” I didn’t know any other way to be. It was how I’d survived the past five years.

  “Yes, it does. You constantly put others before yourself. You’re so ready to take the fall so others won’t have to. You’d rather hurt yourself than let someone you care about get hurt.” She sighed. “I’m not explaining this properly. You’re so used to having to be brave and independent that you keep people at arm’s length. Or maybe even push them away, like you did with Gabe.”

  “I’ve never pushed you away, have I?” Was our relationship damaged, and I was too dense to realize it? After losing Gabe not once but twice, I didn’t trust myself not to unknowingly hurt my sister.

  She shook her head. “No, but it’s different with me. I’ve always been dependent on you. Until this year, we haven’t been equals in the social hierarchy. I’ve been the child, and you’ve been the parent. But we’re done with that. Now, I’m talking to you as your sister. And as your sister, I’m telling you to get your head out of your ass, stop being so damn self-reliant, and go get your man.” With those words, Lacey flounced onto the couch with a flourish.

  My instinct was to object to everything she’d said. Realizing that my instinct was what had made me miserable in the first place, I ignored it and really thought about what Lacey had said. Of course, my first thought was When the hell did my sister get so mature and smart? My next thought was She’s right. Well, she was right about almost everything. I hadn’t pushed Gabe away because I was brave or independent. I did it because I was scared.

  As much as I loved him with everything that I was, I’d kept a part of me numb and closed off. It had been a survival mechanism that I’d used over the past five years. But it was no longer necessary, and I’d been too slow to realize it. Letting myself rely on him wouldn’t make me weak. It was the opposite—I was so much stronger when I was with him. Yes, my life would change, and I would have to give up my dead-end jobs, but I needed to look at that as an opportunity instead of as losing m
y independence. Gabe had been trying to give me the gift of freedom. Without a crushing financial burden, I was free to pursue anything I wanted. He would support me in every sense of the word.

  All Gabe had wanted was for me to let him in fully, to let him love me with all that he had. I’d been so damn busy trying to handle everything myself, I hadn’t taken the time to understand what he was asking of me.

  And that was just it—all he wanted was everything. He wanted me—the good and the bad.

  I sank onto the couch next to my sister. “I really screwed up with him. Again.”

  She gave me a sidelong glance. “Third time’s the charm?”

  “I don’t know, Lacey. What if it’s really past the point of fixing this time?” Though I had thought it was past the point of fixing after I’d betrayed him five years ago, and I’d been wrong. That realization game me a glimmer of hope.

  And a glimmer was all I needed. I’m doing this.

  “It will suck, but at least you’ll know.” She paused. “Do you want some alone time so you can call him?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know what to say quite yet. Besides, a phone call won’t cut it. This needs to be done in person.”

  A wicked gleam filled her eyes, and she retrieved her laptop from the table. “I’ll book you a flight.”

  Chapter 26

  Gabe

  I played back the track I’d just recorded, bobbing my head in time to the music. The vocals were good, objectively speaking, but they were missing something. Soul. Or heart. Most likely both.

  Because I was missing both of those too. I’d left them in Cedar Creek. Christ. I scrubbed a hand over my face and deleted the vocal track. I wouldn’t have called myself a perfectionist, but I would never put my name on a half-assed track, either.

  Maybe I should call it a day and try again tomorrow. The trouble was that I’d done that every day this week, and the tomorrow in question hadn’t made things any better. I knew what the problem was, but I was too stubborn to examine it. Okay, my being stubborn wasn’t the problem. I was too damn scared.

  I’d driven cross-country from Virginia to California, which had given me plenty of time to think, and think, and then think some more. By the time I made it to Malibu, I’d gone into full-on brooding.

  Leah had fucked up—there was no denying that—but had I fucked up, too? One of my biggest regrets from five years ago was not sticking around long enough to figure out what the problem really was. Leah had needed me. Sure, she had a shitty, nonsensical way of showing it, but it didn’t change the fact.

  Fast-forward five years, and the same thing happened. It was as if we hadn’t changed at all. Instead of turning to me for help, Leah decided she knew what was best for me and did something stupid in her attempt to manage the situation. Then I’d gotten the hell out of Dodge. Again.

  We were a fucked-up pair, but the pain was too fresh to laugh about it. Maybe I could have handled things differently, but that wouldn’t have changed the fact that her first instinct was to push me away. I could put up with a lot but not that. Never that. Not when all I wanted was to hold her close.

  I shut down all my equipment and gave the room a once-over before closing the door. Bette had done a fantastic job coordinating the renovation, especially with the studio. It was my favorite room in the house. Some of the Killjoy studios I’d recorded in weren’t as nice as mine.

  I went into my state-of-the-art kitchen and took a bottle of fancy designer water that Bette had stocked for me out of the fridge. Once, when I told her not to order the overpriced stuff, she’d argued that in my line of work, I needed to have some on hand for VIP guests. I couldn’t exactly offer someone like David Franz tap water. Actually, I could have. David wouldn’t have given a shit. But I understood her point. The only reason I was drinking it now was because I had a stockpile of it, and it wasn’t as if I expected guests any time soon.

  A chime sounded, and I looked up, trying to figure out where the sound was coming from. I still hadn’t gotten used to all the ins and outs of the house. After a moment, I realized it was the doorbell. I tapped on the Google Nest screen, trying to figure out how to pull up video feed for the front door. I wasn’t usually technically challenged, but maybe I should have asked for a tutorial.

  No matter. I’d do it the old-fashioned way and go to the door in person. I trotted to the front door and flung it open, expecting a delivery man.

  Instead, there stood Leah, looking rumpled, flustered, and as beautiful as ever. A duffel bag was slung over her shoulder.

  I stared at her. Words failed me, which wasn’t usually a problem for me.

  She rubbed her arms. “Can I come in?”

  Still saying nothing, I stepped back so she could enter. I might have been in shock.

  “It’s colder here than I expected,” she said.

  “California isn’t blazing hot all the time.”

  She came all the way to California, and we’re talking about the weather? What in the actual fuck?

  We stared at each other, neither of us seeming to know what to say. How was it that this small-town girl still managed to have hold of my heart? Perhaps that was what I needed to ask her, because maybe if I knew the answer, I’d be able to break free once and for all.

  Except I didn’t want that. I would always want Leah, but I’d also come to realize that I would never be satisfied unless I had all of her. Unfortunately, that was up to her.

  Finally, I put my hand out. “Can I take your bag?”

  She looked down at it as if she’d forgotten it was weighing her down. “Thanks.”

  I took it from her and carried it into the living room then turned to face her. “Why are you here?” No sense wasting more time talking about the weather.

  Her face fell. Then she threw her shoulders back and donned a brave expression. “I wanted to tell you that you were right.” Her voice only shook a little, and I had the strange feeling of being oddly proud.

  It dawned on me that she’d never flown before, and yet, there she was, having flown all the way across the country by herself to tell me I was right. I would never accuse her of being a coward. “You’re going to have to be more specific,” I said slowly.

  “I pushed you away. I didn’t realize I was doing it, but I was.”

  “Why couldn’t you trust me?” She’d never made me feel more helpless than when I’d seen her battered and bruised face. Her getting hurt had broken something inside me, because I could have prevented it if she’d let me.

  “It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you,” she said, “it was that I trusted myself too much, if that makes sense. I’ve gotten so used to handling everything on my own, no matter what it is and even if I shouldn’t.”

  “But it wasn’t even yours to handle. It was about my mom.”

  Leah shrugged. “Yes and no. Mostly, it was about my dad, though, and him trying to take advantage of you through me.”

  “I found her, by the way,” I said. “Your dad actually had the info he claimed to.”

  She paled. “Did you pay him?”

  “Hell no. I found her on my own.”

  I’d never planned to look for her because I didn’t necessarily want a relationship with her. But after the ordeal with Robert, I had to follow up. After I’d left Cedar Creek, I’d hired a private investigator. I figured if Robert Jacobson could locate my mother through his network, then a professional ought to be able to do the same. She lived just outside Louisville, Kentucky, and was an opiate addict. Through a representative, I offered to pay for her rehab. I hadn’t heard back yet. If she took me up on it, great. We’d go from there. If not, then she was on her own.

  I hoped she made the right choice.

  Leah studied me, seeming like she wanted to ask something but thought better of it. “I’m sorry he did that to you.”

  “I’m a big boy, Leah. I can handle your asshole father. What I can’t handle is you not letting me in.”

  “I know. I see that now. I was just
trying to protect you.”

  “While you were busy protecting me, who was protecting you?” My words echoed ones I’d spoken to her before. I was reminded that we were on a merry-go-round of good intentions and piss-poor outcomes.

  She took a deep breath. “No one. And that’s why I’m here. I’m done with it, Gabe. I’m done trying to be brave and independent all the time.”

  Suddenly, my heart and soul no longer felt so far away. “What are you saying?”

  “I don’t want to be alone. I want to share my life completely, to be a partner. I know I said I was trying before, but I didn’t understand what it meant to be all in. I do now.”

  I stepped toward her. “So what are you saying?” I asked again, my voice hoarse. “Be clear.”

  “I can’t promise I won’t mess up sometimes, but I want in, Gabe. I want to be all in with you.” She sucked in a shaky breath. “If you’ll have me.”

  I closed the distance between us before the words had fully left her mouth. I covered her mouth with mine, and she clung to me, her emotion pouring into the kiss.

  I swept her hair away from her face. “Baby, I’ll always have you. And I promise I’ll call you on your shit next time instead of bailing.”

  She laughed, and with the sound, my heart and soul returned. “I’ll hold you to it.”

  Epilogue

  Leah

  I’d thought that traveling cross-country by myself was the scariest thing I’d ever done. Now, as I sat in the tattoo parlor’s chair, I realized I’d thought wrong.

  “Relax.” Gabe squeezed my hand.

  The tattoo artist looked up from prepping his tools. “First time?”

  I nodded. “Will it hurt?”

  He laughed, and his cheek tattoos looked like they were dancing. “I’ll let your boyfriend answer that question.”

  “Gabe!” I protested. “You said it wouldn’t hurt.”

  “Needles are going into your skin,” he said dryly. “Of course it’s going to hurt. I said it wouldn’t hurt much.”