by J. L. Beck
Looking down at this beautiful, innocent-hearted babe staring up at me with such wonder, my heart nearly bursts. My sense of astonishment felt far beyond my ability to articulate. It was a rare, delicate privilege I would have only been allowed if I had become a mother, and, only if, my body had been designated as a feeder for the wee ones.
No longer able to hear any of the voices around me, I’m suspended in time and space. I’m simply present in this deeply spiritual experience with this child. We smile at each other, and fat tears fall from my eyes.
I glance up at the women, wishing so desperately that they would allow me to touch the child’s hand, yet not knowing the rules and what is allowed or even how to ask. I just want desperately to connect with her in some small way that would fill the chasm in my heart that has opened up by her approaching me.
Lily, the woman nearest my age, pipes up.
“Maggie likes you! Go on then, she probably wants you to pick her up.” She is grinning and gesturing her encouragement, and I can hardly believe my ears.
I move my eyes back down just in time to see a wide, toothy grin and the little girl rising her arms up to the sky, over her head. She does want me to pick her up.
I feel an intense terror mixed with exhilaration. It is almost as if I’m being welcomed into this new tribe. One where children not only see and recognize me, but where I get to see and experience them. Something maternal in me breaks open, and all I want is the freedom to love this little child forever.
Stooping down, I bring myself to her eye level, and rather than facing rejection for not having the courage to lift her up, she throws her arms around me, and I am rewarded and brought in.
I close my eyes and breathe in her goodness and smells. I wrap my arms around her, and she crushes me more tightly, causing her to giggle, which inspires a giggle of my own.
It is as if I’m holding myself as I squeeze her. Holding the little girl that I could have been and should have been had it not been for such restrictive disciplines and damaging experiences. I desperately want to believe that hugging a baby is a normal thing for this family. I also want to believe that when I stand up and look them in the eyes again, they won’t view me differently, punishing me in some way, large or subtle for stepping outside of bounds, and that I will not have lost my place with them.
“Oh, look, here comes Kayla. I think she wants in on the action.”
The women chuckle as Kayla, a similar size toddler to Maggie, comes over and squeezes both my neck and Maggie’s, making it a group hug.
Now the waterworks really start. I’m literally eaten up with joy. I could not have imagined a better, more welcoming experience than this. I glance up at the women, tears in my eyes, grinning as they smile at me. I see my joy reflecting back to me in their eyes as they convey to me that I’m okay. That it is okay to be here.
That is all the permission I need. I move to sit on the floor with them and let them crawl up into my lap.
“Is okay, no cry,” Maggie reassures me as she puts both hands on my cheeks and kisses me on the side of my mouth.
Kayla does the same, mimicking Maggie, and places both hands on Maggie’s cheeks, and kisses her, which makes all of us laugh.
I have never been happier in my entire life, ever. I want to stay here forever.
“So, I see we have a cuddle party going on in here.” It is Lex, teasing and chuckling.
“Maybe?” I offer back, laughing at him. My eyes are shining, and I quickly wipe the moisture from them.
Kayla comes in for another hug against my body, and Maggie joins her as they perch on my knees. I squeeze the last bit of happiness out of them before they get up. I know I need to join the others and be one of the adults, but this moment of magic is something I may have needed all my life. It will definitely be one I will savor for all time.
I find myself wondering if this is the way of the world for them. It is hard to trust. I do not know them, I can’t relax and enjoy it, beyond the children, just yet. It is undoubtedly the kind of warmth and connection and camaraderie I have always imagined real families would have.
I stand up, and Lex sweeps me into a bear hug.
“Babies on you is a damn good look.” He grins and winks as my heart flip flops, and I blush. When he sets me down, my hand instinctively goes to my belly, and I know that he cannot understand how important his words are. But he probably just gave me the biggest compliment I have ever had.
I shake my head to clear it. No more tears. I do not want them to see that far into me right now.
“I think everybody is ready to gather at the table. You gals ready, or do you need some more girl time?” Lex’s voice is warm and encouraging. Not one hint of disapproval for not being ready and waiting when the men are ready to start.
“If we have any more girl time, we are going to have a cold dinner.” Jules laughs as she picks up a platter and hands it to me, motioning me in toward the living room where they have set up a big table.
I take the pan from her and head in as everyone else grabs something to bring also.
After I set the platter of scalloped potatoes down on one of the hot pads, I look around, not knowing which chair I should sit in. I turn back to look at Lex and watch as he settles the two girls into their highchairs at a table set up for them at the foot of the table.
“Come on, missy, you are going to sit right here next to me. Place of honor. Lex can sit on the other side of me. He has you all the time, so tonight, you are all mine. That is, if you don’t mind crusty old Miller as your date?”
I grin back at him. “I don’t mind one single, solitary bit, and, in fact, it is an equal honor.” My heart eases, and I feel grateful to be claimed by the family’s leader. For the first time in my life, someone has indicated my consent was needed.
So many details and new experiences are coming at me that I barely gain my footing before a new one occurs. Sometimes they come two or three at a time. It is a lot.
Quickly, more platters of food and people come into the room, and before I know it, everyone is seated. Lily on my left, and Seb beyond her. Lex, Jules, and Rem are across from the three of us, with Pops at the head.
My mouth falls open when I realize Seb and Rem are the two closest to the children and intend to be the ones to watch over them during the meal.
I cannot process this fact.
Men caring for toddlers.
My eyes widen, and all color must have drained from my face because Pops pats me on the hand and draws my attention away from them as he leans in for a conspiratorial whisper.
“This week, the girls cooked, so the guys have baby duty.”
I shake my head and look across to Lex, unable to believe what I’m hearing.
“Yep,” he nods, “even me.”
It feels as if I have entered a surreal, alternate reality.
As the evening rolls on, the surprises continue, making it nearly impossible to believe all of this is real.
“I would like to propose a toast.” Seb clinks his fork against his wine glass for our attention and looks around the table. Once he has it, he lifts the glass and stands. “I want to acknowledge someone very special tonight. Someone who took a risk, which I expect to pay off in droves.”
I look at Lex as I join everyone in holding my glass up. He winks at me, which causes my face to redden, feeling certain Seb is about to acknowledge me as their dinner guest.
“This person is insightful, growing in greater awareness every day, gorgeous without a doubt,” the group laughs as they look at me, “and most possibly, the smartest person at this table–which has likely gone unacknowledged for far too long.”
Now I am confused. Surely, all of those accolades could not be for me, right? I look at Lex and Seb and several others at the table to see if they understand what is going on. Lily pets my leg reassuringly, reinforcing that I am to be the focal point of the toast.
“So, without further ado, please toast…myself–yours truly, who had the keen an
d amazing foresight to coerce, cajole, and blackmail Lex into bringing Jude tonight.”
The entire room riotously cracks up, with Pops leaning back to rub his jostling belly, and shouts going around all over the place.
“Here, here!”
“Yes, to Seb!”
“Just brilliant, man!”
I laugh with them, enjoying their easy banter and the camaraderie, and the fact that Pops is laughing so hard he is crying and pulling out a hankie to wipe his eyes. But on the inside, I’m deeply hurt by what he said. He made Lex bring me?
Does that mean Lex didn’t want me here?
I force the thought away, not wanting to think about that. This night has been amazing. I don’t want to let my insecurities ruin it.
Maggie and Kayla are even getting in on the action as they pound their sippy cups on their table and watch us.
It is a perfect, perfect moment, and another one that rips open my heart a little more.
17
Lex
Coming up behind Jude, who is standing on the back porch, I grab her waist and lean into her. “I’m glad you are having a good time,” I whisper into the shell of her ear, feeling her body shiver. She turns in my hold and surprises the crap out of me when she plants a kiss on my lips. It’s soul-searing, warmth, and joy. Her arms snake around my neck, pulling me close, but I still feel like it’s not close enough. I don’t want there to be anything between us.
By the time we come up from the kiss, we’re both breathless. Jude’s eyes rake over my face, and a bubble of laughter falls from her lips. “Sorry, I got some lipstick on you.”
“Don’t ever be sorry for kissing me. I’ll be right back.”
I place one final kiss on her lips, then run upstairs to the bathroom before anyone can see me. God knows, my brothers would give me shit for days if they saw me with lipstick on my face. Watching her tonight. It was like watching a tennis match, an opera, and my favorite movie of all time, all at once. It was suspenseful, surprising, intense, beautiful, confusing, and heart-swelling, all together in some hardcore, blow-out-your-brain-cells sort of way. I could not have been prouder of her and was happy everyone really seemed to love her.
When I saw her crying with Maggie and Kayla on her lap, it made me wonder what her upbringing must have been like. I know it wasn’t good, but still, I would like to know more. I want her to talk to me, share everything with me. I want to take her pain away, want to bring her into my arms, and hold onto her forever.
She seemed as if she would be a natural mother, and I know if I wanted anyone to have my children, it would be her. I could even picture her pregnant, glowing and grouchy–nothing would matter, she would have everything handed to her on a silver platter. I’d give her the world a thousand times over.
Unfortunately, I don’t think my fantasies played into or alongside her goals. She’s made it clear, she wants no part in settling down.
Looking in the mirror, I wipe tirelessly, trying to get the damn red lipstick off my face so the boys won’t razz me all night, but it isn’t budging.
“Damn it, Lex, pregnant women should get first dibs on bathrooms. How much longer are you going to be?” Lily bangs on the door to emphasize the urgency of her words.
Shit! “I’m out! But you have to,” I open the door, so she sees the mess on my face, “save me from the catcaller you married.”
Lily laughs as she yanks me out of the bathroom and slams the door shut. “If your beauty removal regime makes me pee my pants, all bets are off!”
I laugh and rattle-tap-tap the door before I leave and head back to the party. Lily is such a good match for Seb. She is fun and feisty and gives a burst of life to my sometimes mechanical brother.
When I enter the kitchen, I see Maddie waddling between the sea of legs and save her just before she gets away from me, which causes her to erupt with giggles. We are doing the mid-dinner break, where we get up, stretch our legs, and make coffee. While it’s brewing, we slice up the pie and then take it all back into the dining room for round two.
This is our way, and the way it’s been for a few years now. Family has always been important to my father, but it became even more important when my mother walked away.
I listen as the family pummels Jude with questions, wanting to know her better now that she’s had time to settle in.
“So, how did you and Lex meet?” Rem asks as he bounces Kayla in his arms.
“We met at a social outing.” Of course, she is being vague, and I wonder then if she is uncomfortable. I decide to stay close in case she needs me to run interference and get my brothers to shut up.
“Lex does social outings?” Rem raises an eyebrow at me as he makes air quotes with his free hand. “That sounds like what a man wearing lipstick would do.”
I scratch my head with my middle finger pointed, so he knows it’s for him.
He pretends to pick his nose and offers me a booger.
I give him a look, and we both break out into laughter.
“Well, it was maybe more of a bar?” Jude is out of her depth. I’m doubtful she even knows how to read their responses.
“Where did you grow up?”
“What is your family like?”
“Do you have siblings too?”
The questions come out almost simultaneously from Lily and Jules.
Pops walks in and redirects things right as I was about to.
“Ah, quit peppering my muse. She will tell us all about herself when she is ready. In the meantime, let her just get used to all of you,” he wiggles the foot of Kayla, “and you, kiddos.”
Jude looks panicky and grateful as if she just missed getting hit by a train.
I walk toward her with Maggie in my arms. Almost the second we reach Jude, Maggie leans in, trying to get into Jude’s arms and away from me.
“Do you mind holding her? I chuckle. “I think she loves you.”
“Are you kidding? I want to run out the door with her and keep her forever. She and Kayla both! They are beyond cute.”
Maggie wraps her arms around Jude’s neck and squeezes hard, then gives her several pecks on the cheek before squeezing her again. It is as if she knows Jude has been through something rough and needs something a little extra.
Jude’s eyes well up, and she coos against Maggie’s blonde curls and then the two of them lock eyes and share some sort of blonde woman conversation that is at a decibel level I will never be able to hear. Maggie seems to be saying something, and Jude sways the two of them as she nods and queries Maggie about details and specifics. I am absolutely charmed, never having seen Maggie take to anyone like this, or behave in this manner.
I realize I’m not the only one that has noticed. Pops, Sebastian, and now, Lily, who is just walking in from the bathroom, stand with me as we stare together in awe, watching something extraordinary unfold before us. It’s not long before Rem and Jules pause to watch, too.
If I was ever unsure of how I felt about Jude, the doubt dissipates, and in this moment, I suddenly know what I feel is far, far more than protectiveness. But how will I ever be able to convince her that we belong together? She is so afraid, so uncertain.
After another moment or two, Jude sets Maggie down on the floor, and Maggie runs toward her mother, grinning. Jude realizes that she has been watched and smiles and waves her hand shyly. Everyone coughs and looks away or, in some other manner, pretends to be doing something, anything else as they suddenly move about the space again, picking up things, cleaning things, or talking to each other. We are hilariously dorky at trying to pretend we weren’t watching them, and it is painfully obvious.
I can’t help but wonder what Jude talked to Maggie about, and that lingers with me for a while. After pie and coffee and a little more storytelling, the men help put the babies to bed before moving to the kitchen to clean up as the women sit outside on the patio and visit with each other.
Rem is the first one to start asking me questions, which does not surprise me. I had the sens
e that my brothers couldn’t wait to get me alone all night for this specific moment.
“So, I thought you were never going to settle down, dude.” He is razzing me, trying to irk me. It doesn’t work.
“Hey, you know what it’s like when someone comes along that you don’t expect, and that was never a part of the plan.” I splash him with a wet sponge, giving him hell right back.
Seb butts in. “Well, if you are going to settle down, that’s the girl to do it with. There is nothing about her I don’t like. She fits. You need to lock and load that shit as fast as possible.”
“He can’t fucking lock and load it yet, he hasn’t known her that long.”
“Anybody can do anything, at any time, when it’s right. That one is right. Besides, the girls already like her. You know how hard that’s going to be to duplicate? We will never see that again in our lifetimes. They are too different. But the three of them?” Seb nods. “They’re three peas in a pod.”
Pops jumps into the kitchen. “I better see her at every fucking dinner from now on. That’s all I got to say about it. And I ain’t asking, either. You better not screw this up, Son.”
“Pops, you can’t lay that on me. Jude gets to decide what she wants, and this is probably a lot for her.” Actually, I know for sure that it’s a lot for her, but I’m not about to tell them that.
Pops nods his head. “Yeah, I can see that, but we’re also good for her. Even if, for some reason, you are stupid enough to not marry her, she still belongs here. We’re adopting her. Period. End of subject.” He walks out, and I shake my head, wondering how I will be able to convince Jude to join us.
Rem shrugs his shoulders and says, “The Lord has spoken.”
I realize then, I feel happy and free. Never before have they given a stamp of approval on any part of my life. When I joined the military, Pops was excited, but Rem and Seb were disappointed, even if they never said it.
Seb and Rem had different paths, ones that involved picket fences. Not my path. Or, at least, I had never thought I wanted a picket fence. But now? God knows, I have been thinking about them lately.