by J. L. Beck
Their approval is a big deal, and Pops liking her as much as I do? Yeah, that is just icing on an already fucking delicious cake. I would be a fool not to keep her if I could.
When we arrive home, Jude kicks off her shoes and sinks into the couch. I do the same but remain standing in the foyer.
“Would you like something to drink? Maybe some tea?”
“Tea? I think it is a little too late for me to have more caffeine.”
“No, I was thinking of some sleepy time or chamomile. Something soothing, and while you drink it, we could sit and talk for a bit. Unwind.”
“I would like that.” She nods.
“I have a request, then if you don’t mind?”
“Sure. What is it?”
“Would you stay in that dress a little longer?” I grin at her, unable to help it. She looks so fucking hot. It’s been driving me crazy all night. Part of me wanted to rip the thing off and lick the skin beneath while the other wanted to just stare at her all night.
She chuckles, and even from a distance, I can see her eyes sparkling. “Yes, Lex, I will. But don’t keep me waiting too long. I might slip out of it and into some pj’s.”
I laugh and head into the kitchen. I make us a quick pot of tea and bring it in with two cups. Before my ass hits the couch cushion, I ask, “So, today must have been overwhelming as hell for you. Did they make you feel as comfortable as you looked?”
Jude cradles the cup of tea in both of her hands and stares down into the mug.
“It hurt my feelings when I heard that you were forced to bring me.” Her energy is tight and sad. Pulled in, in a way that makes it hard for me to reach her. Jude reminds me a lot of an onion when it comes to her emotions. There are layers upon layers that need peeling back, each one tougher than the last.
“What? When did I say that?” I shake my head, my brow furrowing. “There is no way I would’ve said something that stupid.” I shake my head again, confused, knowing she must have heard something else and misunderstood.
“No, you didn’t say it. Your brother’s toast, he said he coerced you to bring me to dinner. I think his words were “masterful brilliance” at forcing your hand, blackmailing you.” The pieces of the puzzle fall into place, making much more sense now.
“Oh, Jude. No, he didn’t mean it like you’re thinking.” I set my cup on the table and lean forward a little.
Jude nods once, tightly, her face still masked, though I can see that she is letting go of it a little, allowing some of her feelings to shine through.
“It might have been his idea, but nobody wanted it more than me. No one.”
Grabbing her hand, I place it between both of mine.
“Jude, look at me.” It takes her a moment to let down her anger and sadness enough to turn her face toward me. When she finally does, I soften completely and speak to her sweetly. Like she’s an injured bird, scared she is going to be batted away again.
“I wanted you there more than anything. The only reason I didn’t invite you on my own was because I didn’t think you would want to come. I didn’t want you to feel forced to be where you didn’t want to be. I never want you to feel uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to overwhelm you either. My family can be a lot sometimes.”
“I had a great time,” she admits. “But I was worried that they wouldn’t like me.”
“They loved you. Everyone loves you.” I stroke her hand, wanting to take her into my arms.
“Everyone loves me?” Her voice lifts up at the end as if she might have a little hope.
“Yes, everyone.” I hope she reads between the lines and understands. I don’t want to scare her away by saying the words directly, but I do love her, there is no doubt about it.
The tension seems to have drained away as her shoulders relax, and she melts into the couch.
“I like that.” Her smile is shy and sweet, making me grin.
“Do you like it enough to let me kiss you?” My voice becomes husky. “You know, there is that dress and the kiss you promised to give me while you were wearing it.”
“Yeah, you can kiss me. Then can we go to bed, and will you hold me?”
“Demanding one, aren’t you?” I tease.
I lean forward, and my mouth meets hers. A tender explosion of gentle sweetness envelopes me. The kind of explosion that is all fire meeting fire. Not intense flames, the quiet ones, connecting to each other, and then doubling down and expanding. I feel fortunate to taste her lips. I feel whole. In ways, I have never felt before. It’s as if I have a meaning, like Jude being here has made my life worthy of something. Not that it wasn’t worthy before, but it’s of more worth now, and I can’t really explain how.
For a long while, we kiss, our hands and lips only touching and though I yearn for more, I know the importance of letting her take the lead and guide us wherever we’re going. Breaking the kiss, I press my forehead against hers.
“Thank you for coming today,” I whisper.
Jude beams, her lips tipping up at the sides into a smile. “Thank you for inviting me. I can’t believe you’ve never brought anyone home to meet your family.”
“There was never anyone worth bringing home.”
Pulling back, Jude cocks her head to the side, and I sneak a stray strand of blonde hair back behind her ear. “You’ve never had a girlfriend?” she asks curiously.
“I have had a few, but none I’d considered bringing home. My family is sacred to me, and for someone to get to meet them, it’s special.”
I hope she can see how special she is to me, see how much I want her, not just to protect her, but really want her.
Her gaze becomes misty, and she blinks a couple of times, almost as if she’s holding back tears. “Thank you, Lex, for giving me that. For letting me be a part of something special even if I’m not really worthy of it.”
Worthy of it?
She can’t possibly think she’s unworthy of someone like me. It’s me who is unworthy of her. I’m nothing special, but she’s gold, a rare and prized jewel.
“Don’t you ever say that again,” I growl, cupping her by both cheeks. Her gaze widens with shock. “Don’t ever think you’re unworthy because you aren’t. There is no one in this world like you. Every night, after I’d spent that one night with you, I’d lie down to go to sleep, and all I could ever think about was what you were doing. Where you were. You were under my skin the moment I met you, Jude.”
Her little throat bobs with emotion, and I can see she’s trying to work through what I’ve told her, and maybe it’s too much right now, but I’ll be damned if I let her think so low of herself for even a fraction of a second.
“You don’t mean that,” she almost whimpers.
I nod my head, staring straight into her blue eyes. “I do, Jude. I mean it. I’ll swear my life on it. You’re inside of me, even if you don’t want to be, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to shake you off.”
The wheels in her head are spinning, and I wonder what she is thinking and if she is feeling the same way. Sometimes Jude is an open book, leaving the world to see everything, and other times, you need a key to break inside.
“You’re something else, Lex.” She shakes her head, but a smile graces her lips, so I know that what I’ve said at least hasn’t upset her. After today, and seeing her now, looking at me with a vulnerability that rivals any, I realize something, maybe she was always meant to be mine.
18
Jude
When I arrive at the coffee shop to meet Blair, she’s near the newspaper stand, bending over and reading the front page for free, which makes me chuckle. As I near her, I see she is holding a paper cup tray with two cups in it.
“Oh, yay, did you get that for me? That’s so sweet!” I’m so stoked I don’t have to stand in the line curling out the door.
Blair looks up at me and smiles excitedly, literally bouncing on the balls of her feet. I so love her exuberance and genuine candidness. She is not one to hide what she is feeling, ever, w
hich made her so much easier to trust and more fun to talk to.
We grab a table over by the windows, and I sit with my back to the door to avoid all the energy coming and going. I need a little bit of recovery time after Lex’s family dinner last night.
“Hey! So, how are things with the boyfriend?”
I shake my head and chuckle. “Not my boyfriend. We’ve had this chat, Blair. We are seeing each other, I suppose, but we are not official or anything. I need to stay focused on schoolwork. That is plenty to deal with.”
For now, at least. Diapers and sleepless nights will come soon enough.
She leans forward and smiles. “How is it focusing on schoolwork when you stay over at his place every night?”
I laugh again and swat at her over the table, which makes her giggle.
She raises her hands in the air in mock surrender. “All right, all right, I give. It is what you say it is.”
I laugh and shake my head. “Lex and I are complicated and probably always will be.”
“Which part is the complicated part, the banging part, or the relationship part?”
“The entire thing,” I whisper, feeling a little overwhelmed. After last night, and Lex admitting what he did, I’d say it’s been a little harder to keep it together.
“I’m not a good friend to go to for dating advice. I don’t date, actually...” Blair suddenly becomes shy.“I’m a virgin,” she whispers.
“What’s wrong with that?” If it wasn’t for Lex, I would still be one, that is until my parents married me off.
She shrugs. “Nothing, I don’t think. It’s just not a common occurrence.”
“It might not be common, but it doesn’t matter. If you want to wait, then you should be able to. If you don’t, then don’t.”
Blair smiles but then frowns. “Thanks, sometimes I feel like a freak. The nerdy bookworm always studying, who is still a virgin. I doubt I’ll ever find a guy.”
“You’re way more than a bookworm, Blair.” I laugh. “And you could have any guy you want. It’s not your fault they’re blind.”
“Yeah, I guess.” She smirks, but I can tell she’s still bothered by what we’re discussing. Deciding to change the topic, we switch to talking about classes and teachers and studies, and I find that she struggles with the same subjects I do.
Even though we have different professors for most of our classes, we have similar experiences. One or two are okay; we each have one that is great, but mostly, our profs want what they say regurgitated back to them, and they do not care one single ounce whether we learn anything or not. Not my ideal learning environment.
We are well into our conversation, giggling and laughing when suddenly I feel a pinch on my arm.
I jerk to see what it is and find my mother, grabbing my upper arm to pull me away. In a flash, I shove back from her and grab on to the table, trying to shake her off, but she is persistent and digs her nails into my skin.
“Come on, we need to go. It’s not going to be good if you don’t get up right now and leave with us. Your father needs this!” Her voice is desperate and cruel. Unyielding.
Just then, my father walks in, and the sight of him makes my blood run cold. As always, he looks like a respectful pastor, with his hair slicked back and a smile on his lips. It’s all a mask, a facade. Blair reaches out to keep our coffees from spilling, but I couldn’t care less about coffee or patrons or anything for that matter. The look in his eyes means death, and I know if I go anywhere with them, I will end up six feet in the ground.
Suddenly, my mind is flashing back to all of the belts and extension cords and fists that have flown at me over the years. I instinctively put one hand across my belly, not wanting her or him to be exposed to this. Not wanting my baby to ever experience what I have gone through with them. I have to protect myself, but more than anything, I have to protect the innocent life growing inside of me.
“Leave me alone! I’m not going anywhere with you.” I try not to scream, but my voice comes out shriller than I expect.
My mother hisses, likely because she knows that she would get the belt from him if I don’t do what she says. It is always all about her. Her comfort, her fear of him, her inability to live her life. No! That is not my life! I will not be subjected to that ever again. I got out, and I’m staying out!
My father shoves my mother aside rudely, almost knocking her off her feet as she lands partially across a table. They’re making a scene coming here, and the only person that will pay for that will be me. All over again, I’m a little girl, trapped, begging to be protected while my mother watches from across the room as my father beats me.
He reaches for me, and I brace myself for the pain that will come, the bruises, the tears. Just before his hand connects with my arm, someone snags his forearm in midair.
“Oh, no, you fucking don’t!”
Seb! Oh my god, it is Seb. I could cry in relief but manage to blink them back so that my father doesn’t see any sign of weakness.
“I will ask you once, and only once, to exit the building right now, or I will call the police and have them remove you.” Seb’s voice is dark, menacing and unlike anything I’ve ever heard from him.
“You can’t call the police, she belongs to us. She is our daughter, and if we want to take her with us, that is our right.” In contrast, my father’s tone is angry and only aspires to be commanding. He is no match for Sebastian Miller.
“I believe she is an adult and can make decisions for herself. And she clearly does not want to go with you based upon the distressed look on her face.”
My mother takes a step toward me, her eyes demanding me to get up and go with them. To not make a scene any more than we already have, to not be the one that brings shame on them yet again. But I shake her off. I’ll never let them control me again. Never listen to her again. Not when she is under his thumb. Not when she is unable to stand up for herself or see how much she is hurting her own child.
Looking away from her, I take in the room. Literally, everybody in the coffee shop is looking at us. God, I just want the floor to swallow me whole.
“Remove your hand.” It is my father’s voice booming in the way that used to fill me with fear. But I know a thing or two about Sebastian now. I know the kind of man he is, the type of family he comes from. A family I hope to be a part of one day.
Looking over at Sebastian, I can see that he isn’t going to let this go. Instantly, the tears I tried to hold back release themselves. I know that Seb will help me feel safe. He’ll protect me from my own parents just as Lex would.
“I’m not letting go until you back away and leave. End of subject.”
Sebastian moves closer as if to shield me, becoming a barrier between my father and me. I wipe my eyes with the back of my sleeve and look up at my mom and dad. My mother is looking at me with pleading eyes, and my father’s gaze promises nothing but pain. Digging deep, I remind myself that neither of them can touch me, that no one can hurt me anymore.
“You heard him, leave. I don’t want to go with you.”
“You heard her, she doesn’t want to go with you,” Seb growls.
It takes everything in me to stand tall and not cower in my father’s presence.
You’re strong. You can do this.
The manager, a middle-aged man, comes over to see what’s going on. He is about to say something, but Seb just holds up his hand, shutting him up before the first word has left his lips.
“They’re trying to assault her, and honestly, it’s bordering on attempted kidnapping. I’m going to call the police if they don’t leave.”
Those words rattle my father because his public appearance is everything to him. He can’t remain the head of his church if he goes to jail and is accused of kidnapping his daughter. No matter how much he wants to make sure I’m given to someone, he won’t lose face or risk his reputation for me.
“Fine, we’ll leave,” my father finally says.
After Seb releases his arm, my father
backs away, looking at me while dragging my mother along right behind him.
Sebastian stands over me in protector mode and watches until they leave, first through the room toward the door, then out the door and past the windows where they are no longer looking in my direction. Only once he’s positive that they’re not coming back, does he turn to me.
His brown eyes bleed into mine, concern etched into his features. “Are you okay?”
I nod, my hands trembling. The emotional onslaught of the memories, the bruises on my arm, the mother that never protected me, and the father that always beat me, all comes rushing back. I drop my face into my hands. I feel shame over having everyone in the coffee shop see me and what happened. To have them see what I came from.
Seb moves into action. “Come on. Let’s get you out of here.”
I turn to Blair, who looks ghostly pale. “I’m sorry you had to see all of that. I’m so sorry,” I sob.
“Gosh, Jude, don’t be sorry. We don’t get to choose our parents. Don’t apologize for them. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
Feeling like I need to give her a hug, I lunge for her and wrap my arms around her. “Thank you,” I murmur into her hair.
When I release her and step away, I try to ignore all the people that are still gawking at me like I’m a freak show, but it’s harder than you would think.
Seb guides me out to his car and gives me tissues while he calls Lex. I consider how important it would be to get a cell phone. Perhaps with work, I can save up for one, at least so I can call Lex or even the police. Knowing my parents, they won’t stop until they get what they want, which is me.
“I’ll stay with her until you get here,” I hear him say while I try to forget the last 20 minutes like they never happened. He hangs up the phone, and I lean against the side of his car, sniffling, trying to get myself together.
“Are you okay?”
No. I want to say, but don’t want to burden him with a long-winded explanation. No one has the time it would take for me to unload my baggage on them.