Beautifully Broken

by Kira Adams

“Will you let her come home after you question her?”

  The officer shakes his head no. “Your mother is facing a bit of time, I’m afraid.”

  “What does that mean?” I’m only twelve years old. Mature for my age, yes—but still in middle school. My mother is the only family I have around.

  “Jacqueline, I’m going to need to ask you to come back to the station with me. We will finish our conversation there.”

  I want to scream—yell—cry—laugh—kick—punch. But instead I follow the officer without another word.

  I can’t even look at my mother. She did this and I am not sure I can ever forgive her.

  ***

  The last time I had seen my mother was her trial; the one where she was sentenced to three years in prison for prostitution, drug distribution, and child endangerment.

  I was immediately thrown into foster care after her sentence, for which I remained only a few years before filing for emancipation.

  My mother never wrote—she never called. I followed suit. I figured if she ever wanted she could easily find me.

  “It’s going to be okay you know.” Lee squeezed my hand from the passenger seat. “Take a deep breath.” I heard him instruct.

  I looked away before briefly closing my eyes and inhaling deeply.

  “Do you feel better?” Lee was staring at me intently and I on the road.

  “No,” I laughed nervously. “It’s okay, I’m just appreciative that you are here with me.”

  He had kept his word to accompany me to the meeting with my mother if I agreed to a Hawaii visit immediately following.

  We had arrived; I put the car in park, still breathing deeply. I heard Lee unbuckle his seatbelt, then felt him release mine.

  “Jac, look at me.” He gently turned my face towards his. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. There’s nothing to fear.”

  I kissed him before he could even blink, taking him by surprise.

  “Thank you,” I whispered breathlessly between kisses.

  “You ready?” Lee looked over at me, awaiting my instruction.

  I nodded before reaching for the handle.

  ***

  Orange and dull grey. The colors overtook my vision as the prisoners filed into the meeting room.

  My heart rate immediately began to race and I felt Lee squeeze my hand softly reminding me that I wasn’t alone; calming me down a bit.

  How could he read my emotions so quickly was entrancing.

  I saw her long, wavy blond hair come through first, but it looked thin; she looked thin.

  I could see her bones clearly through her thin layer of skin, then my eyes locked with hers. They were sunken in and dull looking. She looked the definition of terrible.

  “Jacquie baby!” She exclaimed rushing at me, her arms outstretched.

  I allowed her to hug me but didn’t return the embrace.

  She released me then stared me up and down. “My baby is all grown up!”

  I watched as she digested that thought.

  “Hey, I’m Lee,” I heard his deep voice interrupt.

  My mother looked at me and then back to Lee, smiling widely. “Rebecca. I’m sorry that was rude of me. You’re Jacquie’s boyfriend right?”

  I blushed when she said the word, knowing Lee would probably interject to correct her; let her know we were just good friends.

  When he didn’t say anything to combat her question but instead nodded lightly, I couldn’t help but smile.

  “So, how have you been? Have you been good?” My mother asked then.

  I shrugged. “I’ve been as good as I could be. I’ve survived.”

  “Oh baby, I’m so sorry.” Her head fell into her hands dramatically. “I’m sorry for everything. Please forgive me.”

  I watched as what seemed like real, genuine tears fell down her face. Without realizing what I was doing, I reached for her hands. “I was a little girl. Scared and alone. Why didn’t you ever call? Write? You have no idea the hell I went through after you.”

  “I made a lot of mistakes baby,” She got in between sobs. “I did a lot of things I wasn’t proud of because of my addictions.”

  Unconsciously tears began to stream down my cheeks as well.

  “Baby, I want you to forgive me. I need you to forgive me. I can’t let you leave here without that.”

  I quickly glanced at her through wet lashes. “What are you trying to say?”

  “Jacqueline, I have HIV—aids, and I’m dying. Please just give me this one thing and I’ll never ask you to come here again.”

  My stomach was instantly in knots. She was dying of aids? My eyes scanned her body again hoping it was a lie. But there was no question she was telling the truth; she looked like death.

  “How long do you have?” I choked out, feeling Lee’s hand on my knee as support.

  “The doc said I have less than six months, but other than that—he couldn’t be more specific.” Even her voice came out drained like she appeared to be.

  I had resented my mother for as long as I could remember for forcing me to grow up faster than I was ready, but somewhere, hidden, deep down inside was the young girl naïve enough to think her mother could change. The girl who believed her mother would come save her from the evils of the world…but she never came.

  Even after her first stint in jail, I held out hope that she would find me and move me into a house with her where magically everything was going to be better…but it wasn’t.

  Travis’ father was a deputy and no more than a week after her release, he picked her up for another drug and prostitution charge.

  Eventually I just gave up any hope that I would ever see or hear from her again. But even after all of the crap I had been through, I still wanted a mother…

  How many times I had only wished my mother would get what she deserved—but death had never crossed my mind.

  ***

  The fresh air was exactly what I needed. As soon as I was out of the dark, dreary building I fell to my knees inhaling sharply.

  “Well I didn’t see that one coming,” Lee joked, attempting to lighten the situation.

  “Lee…” I could barely get out.

  He was at my side in an instant helping me up. “Thank you,” I choked out and then proceeded to drench his shoulder with tears; sobbing uncontrollably.

  Twenty Two – Pillar of Support

  Lee

  She had been broken. Now she was destroyed. I knew what this could do to her; would do to her. I couldn’t sit back and do nothing—so I gave her tough love.

  “Where are they?” I asked as I turned on the bathroom lights.

  “Excuse me?” She pretended to be puzzled by my question.

  “Don’t play dumb—you know exactly what I am talking about.” I remained stiff.

  Jacqueline sighed loudly before pushing past me into the small room. She glanced back at me warily. “Well are you just going to stand there eying me down like I’m some kind of criminal?”

  “I’m not taking my eyes off you for a second,” I replied simply.

  “Are you saying you don’t trust me?” She asked incredulously, her jaw dropping open in a surprised fashion.

  “Damn straight.”

  I heard her groan loudly then watched as she began to open her cabinet hidden behind her mirror.

  Slowly she reached in and then handed me a razor, not even able to look me in the eyes.

  “There, you happy?”

  I shook my head no. “Where are the others?”

  “There aren’t any others—that was it.” Her words felt like venom to me.

  “Yeah, and my name is Adolf Hitler.” I yawned. “The others?” My hand remained extended until two more razors magically appeared. I was surprised. I had been so sure she was going to put up more of a fight.

  I chucked all three blades without another thought. Hidden deep inside a dumpster on the street I was positive Jacqueline would never think to look.

  Tears began streaming down he
r face as I returned. “You don’t know anything about me; how I handle my pain or my grief!”

  “I don’t know a lot…” I paused. “I’ll admit that. But what I know is you’re a riddle I want to solve. A puzzle I want to piece together.”

  I needed to open her eyes. I needed her to understand I wasn’t going anywhere. I needed to reintroduce her to vulnerability.

  “Do you want to talk about what happened back there?” I asked softly.

  “Leave me alone!” She growled turning her back to me.

  I grabbed for her but she shook me off violently.

  “Jac, come here.” I attempted to keep my voice soothing.

  She stopped so I took the initiative to inch closer.

  What I hadn’t been anticipating? A rough slap across the cheek; one you could probably hear in China.

  I reached up to massage my sore cheek. What the hell was with women and slapping me? Was I really such a terrible scumbag?

  Jacqueline’s facial expression was a mix of sheer horror and embarrassment. “Oh my God!” She shrieked, throwing her hands over her mouth. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “It’s okay,” I found myself saying out of habit.

  “No, it’s not okay.” She began choking up and threw her arms around my neck.

  Her body was shaking from her heavy tears. I stroked her hair softly, not saying a word.

  After her wails had died down into sniffles and deep breaths, I finally felt compelled to say something. “This isn’t your fault you know.”

  I felt her body shift from my words.

  I quickly ran to grab her tissues.

  “Your mother made her own choices; she was selfish. It wasn’t your fault that she couldn’t see your worth until it was too late.” I handed her a couple tissues then moved a strand of hair out of her eyes.

  Even in her current state she was still breathtakingly beautiful.

  “I’m fucked up,” Jacqueline said softly after delicately wiping away her tears.

  “Me too,” I replied, inching closer.

  “Why would you ever want to waste your time on someone like me?” She asked in an insecure tone.

  “Because for the first time in my life, in as long as I can remember, I have faith. You make me a believer.”

  She closed the final distance between us and then allowed me to kiss her.

  I knew she was still hurting, and I had no intention of taking advantage of her in such a fragile state so I broke the kiss quickly and then led her to her bedroom.

  In no time at all we were curled up together on her bed. I could hear her steady breathing as she drifted off to sleep.

  Jacqueline

  He didn’t leave my side for a week. I thought for sure he would have ran; hopped the first red eye out of here…but his handsome face was what I awoke to every morning, what I fell asleep to every night.

  He was becoming part of my routine.

  “I don’t know how I’m going to pay rent,” I muttered into my pillow.

  “I took care of it,” he answered.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, sitting straight up.

  “I said, I took care of it. Now, call Travis’ mom back and tell her that you won’t be coming back to work.”

  “Lee, that’s my only income. They’ve been like family to me. I don’t want to burn every bridge…” I looked at him, desperate for direction.

  “Do you trust me?” Lee asked.

  I thought about it for a second. I could count the people I had trusted in my life on one hand, Parker and Travis easily made that list, and oddly enough, Lee. All of our correspondence over the months and we had really gotten to know one another on a deeper level. I nodded.

  “Then come back with me to Hawaii. Quit your job, leave your small apartment behind and embrace change; embrace the unknown.”

  I giggled. I’d be stupid to pass this up. He saw all of me and accepted it. He saw me go from zero to one hundred and didn’t write me off then.

  Oddly enough, he hadn’t been scared away yet and I needed to capitalize on that.

  “Okay.”

  “Okay what?”

  “Okay, I’ll go to Hawaii with you…” He attacked me with his lips then.

  “Good answer,” he managed to get out between kisses.

  Twenty Three – Vulnerability Woes

  Lee

  “What are you doing? Are you holding your breath?” I exclaimed; Jacqueline’s face was growing a deeper shade by the moment and it was making me nervous. “I said deep breaths, not no breath!”

  I exhaled a sigh of relief in unison with hers. “I’m here.” I patted her knee softly.

  “Um, Stewardess?” I called to the flight attendant at the front of the plane—not four feet away as we were sitting in first class. “Can we get some liquid courage?”

  “Sure thing tiger,” she replied animatedly. “What’s your drug of choice?”

  “Can I get two vodkas for the lady…” I began when Jacqueline nudged me hard with her shoulder.

  “Something stronger,” she choked out, her eyes still tightly closed.

  “Uh, actually, can we make that four fun sized bottles of your finest whiskey and a soda to chase it with?”

  The flight attendant pulled out a bottle of Coca-Cola. “Coke fine?”

  I nodded my head, taking note that Jacqueline’s head was basically in her lap.

  I paid for our drinks and then Jacqueline finally spoke. “I think I’m going to be sick!”

  I swallowed hoping I could get her mind off of it. “It’s all mental Jac, we haven’t even left the ground. They haven’t even closed the cabin door yet…don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic?”

  She looked back like she was going to strangle me. “You think I’m overreacting, is that it?”

  So I had successfully taken her mind off of her puking, but I had pissed her off in the process.

  “Cheers.” I clinked glasses with hers and took a swig off of my whiskey and coke.

  She looked at me with a shocked expression.

  “Are you just going to let me get away with it—or are you going to catch up?” I challenged her playfully. I didn’t have to wait for an answer—she was downing her cocktail instantly.

  “Liquid courage.” She clinked her glass against mine before downing it all in one long gulp.

  “Damn,” I replied to her ballsy move.

  When Jacqueline had actually kept her promise of coming back to Hawaii with me, I was beyond surprised and happy. But I knew her first flying experience wasn’t going to be a cake walk.

  Two bottles deep and Jacqueline was excited rather than nervous. The liquid courage had worked its magic—or so I thought, until take off when she basically crushed my hand in half from her death grip. Or the bit of turbulence we had and her loud yelps and cries.

  All in all, I was happy to break her into flying. If we worked out, she was going to have to learn to love traveling and long flights.

  By the third bottle she was out like a light bulb, passed out on my shoulder quietly snoring and even drooling a little.

  She looked adorable. I couldn’t move a muscle for fear of waking her. So when we finally landed and she came to, my shoulder was numb.

  “You survived your first flight—do tell, how are you feeling?” I teaser her.

  Jacqueline blinked her eyes a few times, attempting to wake herself up. “We’re here?”

  “Yup.”

  “Already? And you let me sleep through it? You jerk!” She punched me softly in the shoulder but it felt like a solid blow because of the earlier soreness.

  I rolled it gingerly back and forth.

  “You okay?” She asked naively.

  I chuckled lightly as I reached into the overhead bin to grab our bags down. “I may need a massage later.” I wiggled my eyebrows at her as we waited to de-plane.

  “Okay,” she replied simply, surprising the hell out of me. “What? You’ve done a lot for me…it’
s the least I can do.”

  I was stunned to silence. I just stared at her like she had two heads. “Okay, who are you and what did you do with my girlfriend?”