Yearn

by A. D. Ellis

  Instead, I absently took notes on new research supporting the best medication treatments for in-the-field stroke patients and wondered if I could skip the final presentation of the day.

  Sighing, I knew I’d have to attend it because Julia had texted yesterday and told Dre and me that she wanted us to bring back all the information we could gather from the session on meditative practices and mindfulness for first responders.

  Thinking about the vast array of presentation choices at the conference, I recognized that mental health was a top focus this year. Based on the years I’d been a paramedic and stories from older colleagues, I knew that hadn’t always been the case. I was glad to see our field of work was striving to break the stigma.

  By the time I’d gathered all of the pamphlets, taken all the notes, and begrudgingly participated in the mindfulness exercises, I was ready for a drink. I’d need a lot more than one afternoon of mindfulness to clear my head of the anxiety, apprehension, and frustration about Dre.

  Would it really be that bad of a thing to talk things out with him and let go of some of the anger?

  I huffed at the thought as I exited the elevator. Anger at Dre seemed like all I’d ever known. I knew anger was the easy way out.

  But isn’t it exhausting? It’s not like you’re angry with someone you never see. You’re holding tightly to anger at someone you spend well over half of your waking hours with—and nearly all of your resting hours. Wouldn’t it be nice to lose the awkward tension and unclench those fists of anger?

  Whatever. That was likely my libido trying to pull a fast one on me. Just because I wanted to shove Dre to his knees and feed him my hard, thick cock before spreading my legs for him and letting him fuck me into oblivion did not mean that I needed to let go of the anger. Dre and I barely knew each other without that underlying current of animosity, there was no reason to think about changing the status quo.

  Except you kinda changed things by shoving your tongue down his throat and now you can’t stop thinking about him.

  I walked into our room and tossed the day’s materials onto the little table as I closed my eyes and took a cleansing breath. I’d been ignoring the attraction to Dre for as long as it had existed, I’d just have to double-up my efforts to put the kiss out of my mind.

  Dre got back shortly after me and he added his collection of papers to the pile. “Hey,” he hedged, “how were your sessions?”

  “Good. Mostly stuff I can share with the crew. Some didn’t apply, but a lot did.” I fought the urge to turn my back on him, leave the room, go about my evening as if he wasn’t there. Swallowing my anger at myself and that damn kiss, determined to ignore the attraction and how badly my body wanted to explore more, I cleared my throat. “What about yours?”

  See, I could do this. We’d recently settled into a somewhat comfortable acquaintance and there was no reason we had to take steps backward in that regard. We weren’t friends and we’d never be super tight, but we could at least be somewhat amicable.

  “About the same. Definitely some stuff I can share, but not everything was useful.” Dre kicked off his shoes and flopped onto the bed.

  I avoided even looking at the bed and sat stiffly in the desk chair and pretended to be interested in my phone. Dre didn’t seem angry or upset—I didn’t get a vibe of tension any more awkward than our usual—so maybe it was just me all up in my feels about that damn kiss.

  “What do you want to do for dinner?” Dre asked as he scrolled his phone. “Could go back to the Salty Lizard; their food is definitely good enough for a repeat.” He threw a quick glance my way. “Or we could hit that same street, grab food somewhere else, and go there for a beer?”

  My head and body screamed opposite answers at me. Yes, go to dinner with him. Just enjoy the evening and forget the awkwardness. Maybe see if that kiss could turn into something else. No! Tell him to piss off, you’ll get dinner on your own. He can fend for himself.

  Not sure that either of the arguments was the best, I shrugged. “That’s fine. You wanna get the Uber?”

  Dre gave a quick nod and tapped at his screen. “All set, looks like fifteen minutes. Probably better head out.”

  Okay, so we were ignoring the elephant in the room—at least for the time being. I could deal with that. As long as Dre didn’t start the incessant chattering and give me ideas about what I could shove in his mouth to shut him up, I’d be fine.

  We ended up at the Mass. Ave. Pub which had one of the best fish sandwiches I’d ever eaten. Dre claimed the burger was top-notch. After snapping and posting a pic, we each had a beer and spent a bit wandering the shops on Massachusetts Avenue before making our way to the Salty Lizard.

  We spent a couple hours chatting with Chase, Bode, and Sage while we sampled flights of beer before deciding on our favorites and enjoying frosty mugs. The best part of the whole evening was that we were constantly surrounded by people which left very little room for chit-chat between Dre and me.

  But once we climbed from the Uber and headed toward our room, the unspoken knot of tension between us—okay, the newest and most prominent knot of tension between us—was back and took center stage.

  The moment the door closed behind me, Dre started in.

  “Look, I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but I really do think we need to just have it out and move past everything,” he said as he turned to face me.

  Trapped between him and the door, I immediately bristled. “No. You said your piece, there’s nothing else to talk about.”

  “I disagree,” Dre argued.

  I huffed. “Of course, you do.”

  “I’m under no illusion that we’ll talk and become best friends, I just thought we could maybe find some common ground and not have the animosity and hate hanging over us.”

  “Not necessary,” I bit out. Dre was close enough his heat caressed my skin and his scent teased my nose. I needed him to shut up and move away from me before I told the smarter part of me to fuck off and shoved my dick between his lips just to silence him.

  “I think it is,” Dre continued and stepped even closer. “I know I was a horrible person way back then, but we’ve both changed a lot and I want a chance to know you as this person—I don’t like that you still only really know me as that fucked up kid.”

  “Seriously need you to shut the fuck up and let it go,” I said through gritted teeth.

  Dre closed any hint of space between us and pressed a hand against my chest. “Who’s going to make me?”

  I snapped. My hand shot to the back of his neck and I fisted his braids, tilting his head back and ghosting my lips over his before I growled in his ear. “I shut you up this morning and I can shut you up now, but I’m thinking it may take more than my tongue in your mouth this time.”

  “Show me what you got,” Dre shot back, both hands firmly against my chest.

  I snorted, my nose trailing along his jawline. “Careful, I’m not sure you could handle it.”

  Dre’s hand dropped to my cock and squeezed. “You want me to stop talking? You’re gonna have to shut me up one way or another.”

  With my brain on hiatus and my chest nearly bursting with anticipation, I tugged on Dre’s hair and guided him to his knees. “This means nothing,” I warned as his nose nudged the outline of my cock. With one hand still in his hair, I used the other to open my jeans and pull out my raging hard-on. Yanking on his hair, I tilted his head up and rubbed the head of my cock against his lips. “That damn mouth of yours doesn’t know when to stop.”

  “What are you going to do about it?” Dre challenged, a fiery glint in his deep brown eyes.

  “Open up and find out,” I demanded.

  Dre spread his lips and I fed my long, thick cock into his mouth inch-by-inch. When his lips closed around me and his tongue slid up and down my shaft, I gripped his hair harder and dropped my head back to the wall. Gritting my teeth, I refused to let loose the moan that threatened to tear from me.

  As Dre sucked me de
ep, I set a punishing rhythm fucking into his mouth. When Dre gagged, tears teasing the corner of his eyes as he gazed up at me, I knew the tightening of my balls meant I wasn’t going to last much longer. My anger at Dre mixed dangerously with a yearning desire to fill him, mark him, own him. “Gonna come, think you can handle it?”

  Dre nodded and brazenly reached to fondle my balls. His touch sent me spiraling and my release pulsed onto his tongue and down his throat. Before my cock even stopped throbbing, I yanked him to his feet and spun him around, shoving his chest against the wall. Moving my fist from his hair, I gripped his chin and forced his mouth around to mine as I worked open his jeans. Devouring his lips, hot and hungry, I licked into him and savored the taste of myself on his tongue. Pulling out his thick cock, breathing heavily as I imagined him stretching me open, I fisted his length and began to stroke as my tongue continued to battle with his. Lips and tongues fought for dominance, teeth clicked together, and Dre pressed his ass against my valiantly recovering dick. I jerked him hard and fast, twisting at his head with each stroke, thumbing his slit as my teeth bit his lip and my hips rocked against him.

  Forcing his head to the side, I licked his exposed neck, relishing the shudder that traveled through him as he thrust his cock into my fist. “Give it to me,” I growled at his ear before assaulting the sensitive skin where his neck met his shoulder, sinking my teeth into his flesh, silently begging that whatever this was between us would simmer down after we’d both shot our loads. I needed us to return to our regularly scheduled programming. Dre cried out, his back pressed hard into my chest and his rhythm faltered as his cock exploded in my hand, his cum coating my fingers and dripping down the wall.

  Swearing to myself that what we’d just done would never happen again, I took advantage of the moment and captured his mouth for one more kiss, demanding and deep, before breaking away and leaning against the opposite wall.

  The heat of the moment slowly dissipated and regret immediately blanketed me. “That was a one-time thing.”

  “If me talking and trying to work things out ends in that, you better believe I’ll never shut up.” Dre tucked himself back into his jeans and smiled lazily.

  “Let it go. We’re good. There’s no need to beat a dead horse.” I moved to the bathroom and grabbed a damp towel. “Clean that mess up. I’m gonna shower real quick. Figure we’ll hit the exhibit hall in the morning and then head home.”

  Dre smirked. “Aye-aye, Captain.”

  “Knock it off,” I groused. “And stay on your own side of the bed. That,” I gestured toward the wall, “wasn’t an open invitation. It was a one-off, nothing more.”

  Dre just turned to wipe his spunk from the wall and tossed the towel to the floor. “Hurry up in the shower, I want to take one before bed since I’m all sticky now.”

  I wanted to shove him against the wall and kiss him until morning—my lips actually longed to taste him again—but I gathered up my clothes and headed to the bathroom. I’d been dumb to kiss him and I was a complete idiot to push him to his knees, but it was over and done with. We’d scratched an itch and there was nothing more to it.

  Yeah, keep telling yourself that. You ever felt like this after sex with anyone else?

  Didn’t matter.

  Dre and I didn’t even like each other.

  So what if the sex was hot as hell, it couldn’t happen again. Fuck, I didn’t even want it to happen again. As if calling my bluff, my cock twitched as the image of Dre on his knees floated through my head. Nope, not going there. The sex may have been outstanding—enough that a few more rounds might have been enticing—but good sex did not a good relationship make.

  We’d get back to Remington and settle back into our normal.

  Nothing to worry about.

  Except, the next morning, I woke up plastered to Dre’s back, my arms tangled around him and my rock-hard cock pressed against his perfect ass.

  Fuck. My. Life.

  Dre chuckled as I attempted to sneak back to my own side of the bed. “Glad I followed the rules and stayed on my side of the bed. Could have made for a really awkward morning, you know, since yesterday was a mistake, a one-off, and never going to happen again.”

  “Shut up,” I growled. “Get your ass out of bed. We’re going to the exhibit hall and then home. I’m done with this weekend.”

  What the actual fuck was wrong with me? I’d never been much of a cuddler in bed. Okay, that wasn’t true, I loved to cuddle, but Blaine hated it so it wasn’t something I’d had a lot of in the recent years. But waking up with Dre in my arms had all sorts of stupid feelings flowing through me and the whole damn shitastic situation needed to be shut down. Stat.

  “Made you coffee,” Dre said cheekily as I entered the kitchen for our next shift.

  “Don’t want it,” I groused.

  I headed toward the backdoor, but not before seeing a smirk on Dre’s face as he shrugged and picked up both travel mugs. We’d been back in Remington a couple weeks and he’d continued to make a coffee for me before each shift. I refused to take every coffee he made for me. Dre never got pissy, just kept making me a coffee and drinking it when I didn’t want it.

  “Mornin’,” Jesse called over the fence as I walked to my car.

  I gave a quick head nod and returned the greeting. “What’s up?”

  “Got an early appointment today. Lady wants to leave early to drive to her daughter’s house and wants the full works on her car before she heads out.” Jesse sipped a cup of coffee under the dim glow of the security light shining from above his backdoor. “You good?” He cocked his head and studied me.

  “Yeah, why?” I had plenty of time before my shift, so it felt wrong to claim time as a reason to rush off. I inwardly groaned as Cooper came out the door with his own cup of coffee and joined Jesse. At least Jesse would hedge, Cooper would full-on grill me.

  Jesse gave a little shrug. “You and Dre have just seemed…different since you got back from Indy.”

  I swallowed thickly and willed the image of Dre on his knees to vanish. “Different how?”

  “Bitch, don’t even,” Cooper started. “Different as in you two used to exist as if the other wasn’t even alive for the most part.”

  “Yeah, so? There’s no need to acknowledge each other if it’s just going to be awkward and tense. Plus, neither of us want to bring arguments and shit into Bev’s house. Best to just ignore each other.”

  Cooper shook his head and smiled evilly and Jesse was clearly trying to hide a grin. “But that’s what’s different, you two aren’t acting the same. What happened in Indy?”

  I narrowed my eyes and did my best to come off as indifferent. “Nothing, why?”

  Cooper smirked. “I call bullshit, something happened. There’s always been a tension between you two, no question about that. But now, it’s more than that. There are these heavy glances and it’s evident you’re both going out of your way to dodge each other—not just ignoring like before, more like swimming through the thick blanket of tension and making a point to avoid.”

  “Same as before.” I shrugged. “We have to interact at work, we choose to avoid at home.”

  Jesse continued to hide his grin behind his coffee cup, but Cooper barreled on. “Nope, I don’t buy it. The animosity and irritation and all the shit that was there before is still present, but there’s something more between you now.” He stepped closer to the fence and studied me. “I recognize sexual tension when I see it and I definitely see it. It’s so thick between you two, I get horny just watching it.”

  “You get horny brushing your teeth,” Jesse deadpanned.

  Cooper cocked a hip and leered at his man. “Sorry, put something in my mouth and I’m going to want more.” He licked his lips suggestively as Jesse rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Anyway, my call is that something happened in Indy and now you two are trying your damnedest to pretend like you’re not hot for each other, when in reality, you can’t stop thinking about how badly you want a repeat.” C
ooper smiled smugly.

  I scoffed. “Whatever.” How in the actual fuck did Cooper call that so accurately? He was like some damn mind reader and I didn’t like it. “Dre and I have figured out how to coexist for the most part, but that’s it. He doesn’t like me and I don’t like him. Anything sexual between us would be a disaster waiting to happen.” Hot, so damned hot, but yeah, a huge mistake.

  “Sex doesn’t have to mean trying to build a relationship,” Cooper said.

  Jesse cleared his throat. “Contrary to how two of the three recent relationships around here got started,” he joked, referring to how he and Cooper, and Rai and Spencer, started out as just sex before falling madly in love and becoming something more permanent.

  Cooper nudged Jesse’s arm. “I’m just saying. Sex can be awesome even if the people involved don’t like each other. Why shy away from the sexual attraction just because you have no intentions of forever after?”

  Because feelings get involved? Because I clearly suck at relationships? Because I’m not sure I could have sex with Dre and then spend time with him day-in and day-out without some sort of connection forming.

  “There’s no sexual attraction to shy away from,” I said as I checked my phone. “Just two people who don’t particularly care for each other trying to keep the peace for the benefit of Bev and our housemates. There’s no Hallmark love story with a happily ever after here, no matter how badly your romantic little heart wants there to be. Not every story gets a happy ending.”

  Cooper stuck his tongue out before grinning suspiciously. “You keep telling yourself that and wearing yourself out trying to avoid the obvious. Meanwhile, my happy little homo heart will continue creating love stories and rooting for them to come true.”

  I snorted and turned to leave.

  “Just you wait, Khi Harris,” Cooper called to my back. “You’re a major player in my current romantic drama and I’m predicting hot-as-sin enemies-to-lovers sex and a sappy happily ever after!”