by Chloe Thomas
“She was raped,” I state quietly, slurring each word. Although I can tell Levi’s pissed at that, bizarrely he doesn’t seem that shocked by it. “She’s fucking pregnant!” Now I’m shouting.
“Shit man,” he’s surprised by that at least. “Sleep the alcohol off. I’ll be back in a few hours and then let’s work this out.”
“Work what out! I can’t fucking raise a kid, never mind one that isn’t mine and that was conceived through force!”
“Chase, you’re too drunk to think this through now.” A few moments of silence pass.
“I fucking love her,” I literally sob the words out, yes I’m fucking crying like a pussy now. At least when I was shouting a few moments ago I still felt like a man. “I can’t live without her, but I don’t know if I can do this and she might end up keeping the thing!”
“I know you love her. I knew before you even realised, all the guys did,” Levi chuckles. “I know it’s shit mate but this will work out in the end, trust me.” At that, he gets up grabs a pillow from the other end of the sofa, chucks it at me and then lets himself out. 2 seconds after I’ve put the pillow under my head I’m out cold.
Chapter 11
Coming to terms with things
Arabella
————————————
Chase has been gone hours. I don’t know what else I expected him to do once I’d told him. Maybe I’d been convincing myself over the past few days that it would all be okay. That he wouldn’t see me as this pathetic weak little girl. That he’d be okay with raising another mans child if I keep him or her. God that last part’s almost laughable. I really have been in denial - like any man would ever be okay with raising someone else’s kid.
I still don’t know wether to end the pregnancy or not. I’m really struggling with the idea of a termination but at the same time I’m beyond terrified that I’ll never be able to love my child. That he or she will be a constant reminder of what happened and I won’t be able to cope. I could end up hating the kid and that isn’t right for anyone.
There’s about a hundred missed calls over the past few days from the doctor on my phone and some from Naomi as well. I’ve been ignoring them all because it’s just too hard to face. I’d probably have avoided telling Chase for a while longer if I could have gotten away with it. I knew taking the easy option wasn’t helping anyone in the long run but if it bought me a few more days to sort my head then maybe it was worth it. Although if I’m being honest, I haven’t really sorted anything. Everything is just as much of a mess now as it was. All I’ve succeeded in doing is pissing off a few more people along the way.
I guess me and Chase are over now regardless of wether I’m keeping the baby. I’ve done nothing but sit on the floor and cry about that thought since he walked out the door. Well that thought sprinkled with painful flashbacks of the moment that caused all this. I feel exhausted, the tears are finally drying up but not because I feel happier, simply because my body’s too tired to continue pouring my heart out in puddles on my kitchen floor. At this point, my heart is so broken I don’t think it can ever be pieced back together.
Chase said he loves me. That should count for something right? Maybe he’ll come back and we can at least talk. He said he wouldn’t leave me, but then I guess he didn’t expect me to drop the bombshell I just did on him. I imagined us saying those three words to each other so differently. I guess they’re past tense now anyway. I can feel the tears threatening again on that thought. I curl myself into a ball on the floor and eventually drift into an uneasy sleep.
“What are you doing... please stop... please, anything but that!” As the realisation dawns of what’s about to happen I start screaming. It’s a wasted effort, I’ve been here weeks and no ones come looking for me or heard me calling out for help before. Still I have to try something, I can’t just completely give in. He’s not tried to do this before though.
“Shut up bitch, I’ve been waiting too long for this” he snarls at me as he’s undoing the zipper on his jeans and pushing me down onto the dirty mattress. The sight of his erect cock makes me want to throw up. I try to resist some more but he just hits me hard in the ribs and I yelp out in pain. If they weren’t broken from the previous beatings he’s taken great pleasure in giving me then they sure are now. “Go on, just try and resist me. It might even be more fun having you fight against me.” He’s smirking at me, clearly enjoying this. He gets me pushed down onto the mattress and in an effort to stop me kicking yanks my hair and forces me to turn over.
He grabs my legs and wrenches them apart. I try to pull them back together but he’s too strong. I’d struggle to match his strength even I wasn’t dangerously underweight and with no muscle mass left thanks to the complete lack of food and water. Yet another way they’re making me suffer.
I can feel him put his weight on top of me pinning me down. His rough hands grip my naked body so hard that I’m sure he’s drawing blood as his fingernails pierce into my skin. These latest bruises are going to take a while to fade. I’m screaming and screaming but he won’t stop. He shoves his cock hard into me and groans. The pain is unbearable but he doesn’t care. In fact I think he’s getting off on it. I’m still screaming and trying to thrash around but it’s fruitless. I feel weak and pathetic not being able to stop him. I feel disgusting. I’ll never be the same woman I was if I ever get out of here, but then again getting out of here seems fairly doubtful anyway.
“BELLE!
Arabella... wake up!
Wake up Arabella!
It’s Levi.. you’re safe, it’s just a nightmare.” I start to wake up while Levi’s gently gripping my shoulders shaking me. I’m drenched in sweat, tears rolling down my face, again.
“Arabella I promise you’re safe here, you’re okay.”
“Levi, what are you doing here,” I ask shaking and confused.
“I came to check you were okay, but when I got to the front door I could hear screaming. You were having a nightmare.” It’s then that I look towards my front door and realise it’s been busted in.
“Oh.” It’s all I can manage to say. I’m still shaken up by the memories.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Levi looks anything but convinced. “What were you doing here again?”
“I came to check on you. I’ve spoken to Chase.” Oh. That. For the briefest of moments I’d forgotten about that mess.
“Is he coming back here?” it probably sounds pathetic of me to ask, but it’s all I can think.
“Probably not tonight, he was pretty drunk when I left him.”
“Ah.” One word answers are apparently my new thing. Levi looks sympathetically at me.
“It’s just a big shock for him, give him some time to process it and things will sort themselves out.” Clearly Levi’s taking a much more positive spin on things than I am.
“You think I should have told him what happened sooner don’t you?”
He contemplates for a moment.
“I don’t think it’s as simple as that. Why don’t you go have a shower and I’ll fix your door, then we can sit down and have a chat about it all.” He smiles at me, hopeful.
There’s nothing simple about any of this, I’ll give him that much.
***
I feel marginally better after a long hot shower. Levi’s made himself at home on my couch with the TV on and my front door is now boarded up.
“I’ll get you a new door and fit it tomorrow. That will be safe enough for tonight though.”
“I can sort it don’t worry, thanks for patching it up.”
“Nope, I broke it, I’ll fix it. Besides I’ve already put the new door on order.” There’s no use arguing with him and in any case it’s sweet of him given how much I’ve already got on my plate. “Come and sit,” he pats the spot next to him.
I sit down knowing he wants me to talk but not knowing where to start. There’s a minute or so of awkward silence before Levi sighs and begins spea
king.
“Look, I’m an ex special forces solider so I’m not exactly a heart to heart kind of guy, but you need to talk this through with someone. Where do you want to start?” Levi looks a little uncomfortable, he wasn’t joking when he said he’s not a heart to heart kind of guy but I’m grateful he’s trying.
“Do you think I should have told Chase everything they did to me in the beginning?” I hesitantly ask.
“Like i said, I don’t think it’s that simple. This is hard for you, probably the most difficult thing you’ll ever have to deal with and you needed time to process it. So I get why you didn’t tell him. But I suppose trust is a massive thing for him. When me and Chase are out on deployments we have to have complete trust in one another and any other man that’s with us. If we don’t, everything falls to shit. So if Chase thinks that you can’t trust him, can’t talk to him about things and lean on him for support then he’s gonna struggle with that.”
“I don’t think I thought of it like that. I just didn’t want him to look at me differently. To see me for the weak and pathetic person I am.”
“Christ Arabella, you’re not either of those things. You’re one of the strongest people I know to go through the ordeal you have and still come out the other side.”
“Maybe, maybe not.” I pause once more knowing I need to say it, but also being terrified of even discussing it “I don’t know what to do about the baby.”
Levi looks at me and contemplates his response for a while.“I can’t tell you what to do. Only you know deep down how you truly feel about it all. You need to try and see past the fear and the panic and not let that guide your decisions.”
“But what about Chase?”
“What about him? He’s my best mate but ultimately you have to think about what’s right for you and the baby and everything else will follow. If you do what you think Chase wants then you'll grow to resent him. In any case Belle, Chase is head over heels in love with you. I know he’s freaking out right now but he’ll get his shit together and when he does he’ll want you to do the best thing for you and that little one.”
I nod, not to sure what to say to that. Chase is head over heels in love with me. I want to smile at Levi’s statement but at the same time cry when I think that might now be past tense.
“Talk to him Belle, don’t try and guess what he’s thinking and feeling.”
“Yeah, yeah I know you’re right.”
We talk for a little longer, gradually easing into a more lighthearted conversation. Once Levi’s convinced I’m okay he says his goodbyes and heads out. It helped talking to him but now that I’m alone I can’t help but overthink things again. I check my phone and there’s nothing from Chase. I feel a stab of disappointment. I know I need to give him time to work this through and ultimately accept that he might decide this is too much for him. But that thought hurts a lot.
***
I slept uneasily last night, no more nightmares or flashback thank god, but I can’t have had more than a couple of hours in the end. I’ve still heard nothing from Chase. Naomi has messaged again wanting to know what’s going on and if I’m okay. Its not fair for me to keep ignoring her, she’s trying to make sure she’s there for me and I’m just pushing her away like a shit friend. I respond telling her I’m fine, that I’ve still not made a decision but I have at least told Chase.
I’m sat on my sofa nursing a cup of decaf when there’s a knock at the door. I open it and am not sure what to feel. Chase is standing there looking like he hasn’t slept. His eyes are dark and heavy, his hair unbrushed and there’s a 5 o’clock shadow on his face. Should I be happy he’s here at least giving us a chance to talk, angry that he disappeared on me, or terrified about facing him and what will happen to our relationship.
“Hey. Can I come in?” I can’t read his body language. It’s not that he looks like he doesn’t want to be here, but...well he doesn’t look he does either. At least he’s not so angry today. Rage and frustration were pouring off of him yesterday and if I’m honest it scared me a little.
“Sure,” I step back allowing him to go past and close the door behind him.
“What happened to your door by the way?”
“Oh, don’t worry about it, Levi’s replacing it today anyway.” He closes his eyes and puts his hand to his forehead as if gathering himself for a minute.
“Arabella, you need to be open and honest with me, I’m not trying to make a jab at you here but omitting the full story is half of the reason things are fucked up between us to begin with. I’ll ask you again, what happened?” Shit, I didn’t think about it like that. He’s definitely pissed at me now.
“Levi broke it. He came round to check on me I think and I was screaming.” I add the next part in quietly, “I was having a nightmare.” He looks directly at me, concern etched on his face.
“We need to talk,” he grunts. Well that I can agree on.
We get settled on the sofa in an uneasy silence. The room is thick with tension and I really don’t know which way this conversation is going to go. There’s a massive part of me that just wants to run, but I’ve already tried putting things off and that’s not exactly panned out well.
“I should start by saying I’m sorry for just walking out. I know it was hard for you to tell me and I should have supported you more but I panicked. If I’m honest, I was also kinda pissed at you for not telling me earlier. You just shut me out and that hurt.”
I look down at my hands in my lap.
“Maybe I should have told you earlier, but I was scared. I was scared you’d react exactly the way you did. I wanted to hold onto us for a little bit longer.”
“So you think there’s no longer an us?” There’s a trace of anger in his tone.
“I assume not.”
“Arabella,” Chase starts, his voice strained, “I meant what I said yesterday. It might not have been the best moment to say it but I did mean it. I care about you so much, you’re like my lifeline, I feel like I can’t breathe without you.” I chance a quick peek up and Chase is looking at me, with longing in his eyes.
“But this is-”
“But nothing. It’s a bump in the road and we’ll work through it. Look I’ve already said I’m sorry for walking out, but I just needed a moment. Couples argue Arabella, that won’t be the last time that happens and we need a bit of space from each other but it doesn’t mean we keep things from one another.”
“It’s a bit more than a fucking bump,” I remark. “Everest would be closer.”
His lips twitch into the beginnings of a smirk. “Fair point. We’ll still face it together though.” I allow myself a small smile as he scoots across the sofa and pulls me into him, placing a kiss on my forehead.
I should be happy he’s saying we’ve still got a chance. But I don’t see how we can with this baby. He deserves to be happy and I feel like I’ll be trapping him if I decide to continue the pregnancy.
“I can practically see your head running at a million miles an hour Arabella. Talk to me, what are you thinking?”
Maybe honesty is the best policy... I’ve tried avoidance and that didn’t work out well.
“I haven’t decided what to do yet, but if I keep him or her then I’m trapping you into something you don’t want, and that isn’t fair.”
“Your not trapping me into anything baby, if I’m with you then I’m right where I want to be, no matter what else that comes with.” He’s quiet for a bit, looking at me. “What’s your thoughts on what you want to do?”
“I’m not sure. Half of him or her is me and the idea of ending that feels... too difficult. But I’m terrified, scared I wouldn’t love it, that I’d grow to resent it and above all scared that...” I trail off not wanting to say my thoughts out loud.
“Scared of what,” Chase prompts.
“I’m scared the child will turn out to be just like his father. I’m scared that I’ll bring another monster into the world who will hurt people like they hurt me. I couldn’t live
with that.” Chase sighs and grits his teeth.
“My father was a violent drunk who used us all as punching bags and I still turned out alright Belle. Biology doesn’t always govern a persons personality or morals.” I’m shocked by his admission, he’s never talked about his childhood before. I can tell it’s hard for him to admit that to me but I’m grateful he’s opened up a little about it. Given my situation, it helps me to hear that.
“I’m sorry, no kid should have someone like that as a parent.”
“It was what it was,” he roughly states, clearly wanting to move the subject on. “Have you been to the doctors yet?”
“Yeah, but...”
“But what?”
“Well I thought I just had a virus or something. I was shocked when she said I was pregnant and when she asked if I wanted to hear the heartbeat... well, I sort of ran out and ended up having a panic attack in my car. They’ve been calling my phone ever since.”
He stands up and paces the room. “You should have called me then! You needed me, I could have at least got one of the boys to be with you whilst I got the first plane back.”
“I’m sorry.” It comes out no more than a whisper.
“I’m your man baby, it fucking hurts to think that while you were going through all that you were alone having a panic attack and I didn’t know a fucking thing about it.”
He pulls his phone out and starts calling someone. “Hi...yeah, I need to book an appointment...for Arabella- yeah that’s the one... that’s fine, we’ll be there.” I stare at him in shock.
“Was that-“
“The Doctors office, yeah. We need to make sure everything’s healthy.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Right. What time do I need to be there.”
“14:00 today. And we’ll both be there. I’m not letting you do this on your own.” He doesn’t look like a man to argue with right now. Not that I’d want to, part of me is relieved I won’t have to go alone.