Why?

by Glynis Baxter

  7

  This term I was to take myself to school; there was a lollipop lady posted at both main roads so my mum said I would be fine. Hanging on to the sixpence in my hand for dear life I made the short journey to school. There were lots of young children being taken by their parents, some looking older than me, so I felt proud of myself as I skipped along merrily to school. I stopped only to look in the fruit and veg shop eagerly eyeing up what to spend my sixpence on. In the end I opted for an orange and stuffed it away inside my rucksack.

  I went to class as usual, sat at my desk and patiently waited for my teacher, so excited to see her again. In she came as happy, optimistic, and smiley as ever. After doing the register we went to the hall as usual for assembly. As everyone stood there I looked at the platform, everything seemed OK. I raised my head higher as if someone was stood on it, and instantly saw double of the picture on the wall behind. What the hell was wrong with me? What was causing this strange phenomena? Looking nervously around no one seemed to be seeing this but me. I stood there praying for assembly to be over, for this torment to end, but no, everyday was the same. I hated those assemblies, hated that hall but mostly I hated that rotten platform.

  In class, though, I was excelling, wanting to do nothing more than impress my favorite teacher. In tests I was top of my class, coming in either second or first every time, and I was lapping up every bit of attention she threw my way. We didn’t always get homework, and on the days we didn’t I would play either on the park, or by myself in the back garden.

  My mum was cooking tea and she had told me not to wander off, so I was busy playing gardener in the back garden. Not that we had any plants, it was just grass and mainly dock leaves, but while I had been with my grandparents they had allowed me to help them tend their garden, and had got me my own small trowel and spade. So I was happily absorbed digging up dock leaves and carefully transplanting them into new parts of the garden. I was facing away from the kitchen door, but clearly heard my mum call me in for tea. Still on my hunches I turned to respond to her, and came face to face with a snake. The shock caused me to fall backwards onto my backside. it was raised up, and was the same height as me while sitting on my behind; its mouth was open and it was hissing like mad. Frantically trying to get away, I shuffled back on my bum, and as soon as there was enough distance between me and the snake I sprung to my feet, and ran screaming at the top my voice, “MUM, MUM!” Sweating and panting I raced into the kitchen.

  “Danielle, stop your hollering, sit down and get your tea.” Looking down at my plate, it was the meal from hell: brains faggots. The name was sickening without having to sample it. “But, Mum…”

  “Danielle, I’m not telling you again, eat your food and you don’t move from there till its gone.” No way was I eating that, the smell was revolting. I picked up my fork and started pushing the food around on the plate, willing it somehow to evaporate. Who in their right mind eats brains? Not me for sure, I didn’t care, I would sit here all night if I had to, I wasn’t eating it, and that’s that. I was still sitting there an hour later, refusing to touch the stuff, my mum finally realised this was one battle she wasn’t winning. “OK, Danielle, go get ready for bed.”

  In the early hours of the morning, I woke up in a blind panic, my hair was sodden, and I was shaking like a leaf. The room was pitch black, I had this fear something was in the room with me. Too scared to move, I put the covers over my head. Closing my eyes tight, and pulling in the sheets as tight as I could, I attempted to go back to sleep.

  I started to drift off to sleep, that’s when the images started: I instantly opened my eyes, and the images went. I laid there, too scared to move or shout for help in case Jerry came in naked, which was more frightening than the images themselves, and I knew my mum was not home to comfort me. I was too scared though to close my eyes, as I would be tormented by the sickening sight. I kept fighting the sleep all night, but it soon got the better of me. The snakes were back – hissing and slithering they appeared huge in my nightmare. I was slowly being lowered head first into a deep hole full of snakes of all sizes and colours; I was screaming and wriggling like crazy as the snakes were getting closer and closer to me, but suddenly they were gone and I fell fast asleep. This became a reoccurring dream, haunting me for months as soon as I got into bed, and closed my eyes. They were back frightening me every single night, and I was a terrified little girl, to scared too ask for help.

  I was going into school, tired everyday. I was struggling with the work and as I was unable to fully concentrate, and I even fell asleep in class once. Mrs Taylor sent me to the sick bay, where I laid on a long couch and slept until home time. I was sent home with a note for my mum, and the following day she kept me off school. Her and Jerry were both working, so I was left on my own, as they had no time to arrange child care and my mum was doing a stock check in the pub.

  When I woke that morning the house was empty, I went slowly downstairs, my mum had left a bowl of cereal out for me and a glass of milk. It was cold in the house as it was winter and there were no fires lit, but in the sitting room they had left one bar on the calor gas heater, I settled down in front of it dithering, and tucked into my breakfast. The heat from the calor gas heater was warming and comforting, but you had to sit virtually on top of it, to feel the benefit of it, so the rest of the house was like an ice box.

  After breakfast I decided, as I would probably be on my own a long time and it was still early, I would play with my toys in front of the heater. I ran upstairs collected three of my dolls, a large brown teddy bear, and a small china tea set that I had been given for my birthday. Placing the toys in front of the heater in a circle, with the teaset, set out in the middle, I set up a teddy bears’ picnic, I had no food, so I was pretending to feed each toy sandwiches, cake, tea etc;.

  The most important toy was not cooperating though, and kept over balancing, I thought about putting him to one side, but you can’t have a teddy bears’ picnic without the bear, so I persevered. No matter how many times I sat him up, he toppled over. Getting sick of it, as he was ruining my game, I lent him up against the calor gas heater. Finally he stayed put.

  I was totally absorbed in my game, everyone was getting their fair share of food, and we had moved on to play ring a ring of roses, when suddenly there was a strange haze rising from the bear, and a funny smell; pulling the bear from the heater, the smell got worse. I turned him over and his back was all singed and blackened – oh no! What was I going to do? I ran, still holding the bear, to the back door. The smell was travelling through the house, following my every turn. I reached for the handle and pulled on it but it didn’t budge it was locked. No, no, no, what was I going to do? I frantically ran back into the sitting room and tried the front door, that was locked too. Tears were welling up in my eyes, as I was panicking. I was really for it now. Looking around the room, the only thing I could think of was to hide it, the bear was still smoldering as I threw it behind the sofa that was up against the main wall.

  8

  My mum and Jerry both arrived home together a few hours later, the smell, though still there, was not quite so toxic. As they walked in they were laughing and joking, I looked over nervously to the sofa expecting my crime to be discovered there and then.

  But no, they just went through into the kitchen, Jerry chatting away to my mum, while she busied herself rustling up some food. In fact nothing was said all day, and when I went up to bed I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or not. I laid awake, waiting for my bedroom door to fly open, and for Jerry to drag me out of bed in a fit of temper and possibly drowning me down the toilet this time.

  Maybe, I should have confessed – what if the house burnt down while we slept? Oh no what had I done? I laid awake for ages, with thoughts going round and round in my head. I wanted to get up, go running into my mum’s bedroom and tell her the whole story, but he was there, and I didn’t know what he would do if I did. So I kept quiet, and event
ually fell asleep; there were no snakes that night.

  I was awake early the following morning, waiting for the consequences. Finally my mum came in. “Come on, sleepy head, it’s time for school.” I slowly got up, and got dressed for school, steeling myself as I went downstairs. I didn’t get it, surely they must have found the bear due to the smell. Was this some kind of sick trick, and they were going to pounce on me when I walked in.

  Jerry had gone to work, so with a deep breath I anxiously entered the kitchen where my mum was. “Morning Danielle, sit yourself down. I will sort your breakfast.” I did as instructed immediately, intently watching my mum as she busied herself. The morning carried on normally, both of us doing our usual routine. As I left the house for my usual walk to school I took a deep breath; I don’t know how but I’d got away with it, I survived.

  All the while at school, my mind was on what had happened, and how I got away with it. I could not believe it. On my return from school, nothing was said, and as the weeks passed I forgot about my abandoned friend behind the sofa, and life just carried on as normal.

  The snakes were still haunting me every single night; I just wanted them to go away and leave me alone. I was still finding it hard to concentrate at school, but I was determined to make Mrs Taylor proud so I persevered with my studies regardless of the fatigue

  On my return from school, the only source of heat again was the calor gas heater, so I settled myself down in front of it and got stuck into my latest school project. While deep in concentration my mum came in to the room. “Danielle, what on earth were you thinking of?” I didn’t look up, I was busy trying to construct a space rocket out of old bottles and bits of rags and foil. “Christ, Danielle, you could have burnt the house down.” My heart sunk, and I nervously looked up from where I was sat on the floor.Oh no! My crime had been discovered. I looked nervously around, trying to gather my thoughts and work out where Jerry was. Looking at her, though, she didn’t appear cross, more concerned. “Danielle, come sit on the sofa with me, there is something I need to tell you.

  “Danielle, when you were two, maybe two and a half, we lived in a bed sit on Woodhouse Road. The house had a front garden that led out onto a main busy road. You were playing on the front garden, and when I went to call you in, you had gone. You had managed to open the latch on the gate, cross three main roads, how you did it and survived I will never know. Eventually a bus driver going on shift picked you up and took you to the bus station depot. When I finally found you, there you were happy as Larry in the bus station canteen, the table you were sat at covered in sweet wrappers, crisps and spilt bottles of pop. You were being well and truly spoilt, in fact you screamed the place down when we left.

  “What I am trying to get across, Danielle, is that you need to be careful. You can not do things that aren’t safe; eventually your luck will run out. It’s me that’s left having to explain what happened, and face the consequences of your actions.” I looked at her blankly, I had been two, how could I be responsible for my own actions? Surely it was her job to keep me safe – if she had been watching me like any right-minded parent would have, I’d not have been in that position, being stuffed full of goodies by well-meaning bus drivers. I found the story fascinating though, and prompted her to tell me more.

  She explained that when my dad died, the house we lived in was taken back by the pit authority. We were not allowed to stay there as it was a house tied in with the job, so we had moved around a lot, eventually settling into the bedsit on Woodhouse Road. She said it had been hard when he died, money had been tight, and that we had struggled until she married Jerry, and bought the house we are in now. She explained that my grandparents from up North had given them the down payment on the house. I loved listening to her as it was very rare she talked to me in this way, so to hear her speak about my dad, and my past was fascinating. I was finally letting go of the past, how she got rid of Theresa, and letting her in, feeling like I had my mum, but if only for a short time.

  9

  The incident with the bear was never mentioned again, and I am not sure if she told Jerry about it or not. He never spoke of it, so maybe she was more aware of the goings on in the house than she was letting on, and feared the rage of his anger and the consequences of his actions if she had told him.

  The six weeks school holiday soon came around, and I happily boarded the coach with my mum. As usual we were greeted by my grandparents, who were happy to see us both. I loved it there, I loved coming each year, and now I didn’t care when my mum left first thing the next day – I happily waved her off. Tanya the corgi was still there every year to greet me, as was the white teddy bear positioned as always on the pillow with his arms stretched out. It was a welcoming sight, it was a comforting sight; it was good to know some things were steadfast, and it made me feel safe and secure being there.

  My great aunts came like clockwork to take Tanya and I for our daily walk. I was learning more about them as they were opening up about themselves. They told me they were my grandma’s sisters, and they had never married so had always lived together. In their working life they had run a local green grocer’s shop.When they finally retired, they sold the business and bought a flat, in addition to the one they already owned, and rented it out to one of my uncles.”

  It was hard to believe they were sisters, they were so different in character: my aunty Beth was quiet, shy and withdrawn, while aunty Ettie never stopped talking and instigated every conversation with the locals on our daily walks, she was always bubbly, laughing and smiling and a joy to be with.

  Neither of them ever said a cross word to me, and I was always on my best behaviour, after all I was not jeopardising getting my cornet on the way home. The weather as always was glorious, so they had arranged with my grandparents, to take Tanya and I to the Forest of Dean for a day out. We caught the bus and arrived at this wonderful country park, full of babbling brooks, waterfalls and rope bridges. I loved it, running around with Tanya, climbing and exploring, by the time the day was over we had walked our legs off. On our return my grandma had laid on a full spread, and my aunties stayed and tucked into it. We had all had a fabulous day.

  On my birthday that year, I was not as excited. My grandma had laid on her traditional birthday tea, baked, and put in all the effort, but this time I wanted my mum. I felt we were getting on better and though I was happy with my family up North and I was well cared for, it would have been nice if, just for once, she was there for my birthday. I had received a kite this year off my grandparents and my granddad was excitedly wanting the party to be over, so he could take me on to the school field that backed onto the house to fly it.

  On the field my granddad carefully unwrapped the kite and unravelled the string. It was bright blue and yellow with pictures of ships on either side. “Right, hinny, you hold the string as tight as you can, and run as fast as you can, and as you run the kite will soar up into the sky.” So, doing as instructed, I took hold of the string on the kite, and ran as fast as my little legs would allow. I looked back to see if the kite was up, but no it was just dragging along the ground. “Danielle, look where you’re going.” The words had scarcely left his mouth when I went spilling over onto the grass as the string tangled around my feet. My granddad came running up, laughing. “Up you get, hinny.” Taking my hand, and with us both taking a firm hold of the string, we began to run. “That’s it. Run, run, run, fast as your feet will carry you,” he was gasping in my ear. “Right, stop, Danielle.” Spinning round I saw the kite soaring through the air. We both flew that kite until it became dark and we were unable to see it in the sky anymore. Carefully packing the kite away we returned back home, both of us laughing and joking about our adventure.

  The days were flying by, and soon my mum was back to collect me; she had come down a few days early to spend time catching up with the relatives. On her first night she persuaded grandma to let granddad out for a few hours to the local public house. My mu
m thought it was a great thing getting one over on my grandma, who tended to rule the roost at home, and granddad according to my mum was not allowed anywhere without her blessing. I was still up when they got back. As I was eight years old and as it was the holiday I was allowed to stay up until ten, which meant I got supper with the grown ups that consisted of a slice of toast and jam and a couple of biscuits, usually custard creams.

  The next day my mum took me to a local hairdressers to get my hair cut, ready for the new term. On our return my grandma and mum ended up having heated words about me. “Laura, I sometimes wonder if you give a high hooter about that kid. Look at her!”

  My mum stared over at me, “She looks fine to me, what am I supposed to be looking at? In fact I think they have done a smashing job of her hair.” My gran was now livid.

  “Laura, if that kid’s not wearing spectacles by the time she gets back here next year, I swear on my life, I will take her and sort her out myself. How on earth she can see anything is beyond me, the poor mite.”

  My mum looked over at me, puzzled, obviously not knowing the foggiest what she meant, “Well she looks OK to me.”

  That was it, my gran was on the ceiling. “Laura, do you ever actually look at her, take any notice of her, in fact, or are you just to wrapped up in yourself, you selfish mare.” This had visibly shaken my mum being chastised by my gran, so she promised as soon as we got back she would take me to a local opticians. My gran seemed satisfied with this simply repeating, “Mark my words if you don’t there will be consequences.”

  10