I miss cocaine.
ALEX. I’m a much better person on cocaine.
JESSE. Same.
ALEX. Shall we call Harry Weed New?
JESSE. My old pot dealer is called Harry.
ALEX. I know.
His entry is Harry Weed New in your phone.
JESSE. Don’t go through my phone.
ALEX. Too late.
The beat is microscopic, but it’s absolutely there.
JESSE. Alright, let’s go out… I would quite like to see you all sexy and geometric.
She stares, hard… then jumps up…
Finds a track on her iPhone. Hits play.
It’s ‘Raspberry Beret’ by Prince.
She dances.
And is indeed, sexy and geometric… And just really fucking cool.
ALEX. Well don’t just stare at me…
Come on…
She dances again.
He joins. Then.
He stops dead. Is suddenly really upset.
JESSE. My um. What I wanna say… Is –
My love for you is. Is so deep and all-consuming and. Furious.
ALEX. Jesse…
JESSE. It’s so much bigger than me. And it terrifies me Alex.
It has me at the throat.
ALEX. Are you trying to leave me?
JESSE. Sometimes I think that’s why I should.
ALEX. O-kay…
JESSE. But I I’m I I I’m just I’m mainly terrified that it will destroy us.
JESSE. What?
ALEX. You’re going to lie?
JESSE. What?
ALEX. You can tell when someone is about to lie because when you ask a direct question they say ‘what’ to buy themselves thinking time. So –
JESSE. I’m not trying to –
ALEX. Who is she Jesse?
JESSE. She’s just. I just. I just. I fucked someone.
ALEX. I know you idiot.
ALEX throws the nearest thing to her at him. It’s his phone.
You’re fine? You’re fine with this?
ALEX. Did you use protection?
JESSE. No I don’t.
ALEX. Yes you do. And that’s not love, that’s just setting me up for a fall actually.
JESSE. I need you to marry me.
ALEX. You think I’m going to say yes?
JESSE. Please say yes.
I’m. Sorry.
I just love you so much.
Please say yes. Please.
ALEX. You’re seriously proposing right now?
JESSE. I don’t know your ring size.
2016. A street in Trappes, Paris
After midnight.
Run-down social housing.
The walls are covered with street art. Good street art – murals, etc. Not just shitty graffiti tags.
JESSE is sitting up against a wall. The mural behind covering its entirety.
He sits on the ground, out-to-holiday-dinner casual. There’s a couple of empty bottles.
JESSE is tipsy, a little wound up, smoking.
Long beat. ALEX rounds the corner. Flustered, a little more dressed up.
She is not happy when she spots JESSE.
Beat… They lock eyes.
JESSE. So, he’s a cunt.
ALEX. I mean, don’t hold back…
JESSE. Fuck off, Alex.
ALEX. Fuck off, Jesse!!
You know how important this meal was!
You can’t just storm off like that…
JESSE. And there is no way in all hell he is coming to the wedding.
ALEX. We have been looking. Literally.
She is no way more than twelve…
ALEX. She’s like twenty-two.
JESSE. Is that why she wanted to go to fucking Miniature Land anyway?
ALEX. Stop it.
JESSE. That is the shittest theme park I have ever been to!
ALEX. Jesse.
JESSE (bad French accent). Disneyland is so obvious… You must see a real Parisian theme park…
ALEX. Stop it.
JESSE. You know she’s fucking…
ALEX. We need to go.
Jesse.
JESSE. I fucking hated her.
ALEX. Jesse!
JESSE. Someone needs to drown the bitch.
ALEX. That is not acceptable language.
JESSE (carrying on over her). Oh piss off…
Preaching.
ALEX. Do you know how dodgy is it out here?
JESSE. Well if we’re using prior levels of…
Hostility as a –
ALEX. This is not Élancourt –
JESSE. I mean what even was that?
ALEX. We need to go.
JESSE. Israel… and Jewish are completely. Fucking. Separate –
ALEX. This is the banlieue. You’ve come into the banlieue.
JESSE. I take it back actually. She’s the cunt.
ALEX. Stop it.
JESSE. Like how many times do I have to say to everyone…
I HATE IT TOO. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND IT SICKENS ME TO THE CORE.
I AM NOT A BLANKET ZIONIST.
ALEX. Stop shouting.
JESSE. I am a diaspora Jew. I have very little… in fact nothing to do with Israeli foreign policy.
ALEX. Well it’s not quite foreign.
JESSE. Are you serious right now?
ALEX. Can we go please?
JESSE. Oh I’m sorry, should I just prendre la fuite, madame…
ALEX. What? I don’t know what you’re saying…
JESSE. Prendre la… jump… shall I just jump, princess…?
ALEX. You’re not using it correctly…
JESSE. No one asked for a French lesson –
ALEX. I am not responsible for any of this…
JESSE. Why can’t you just defend me…?
ALEX. Why can’t you just keep your mouth shut…?
Deliberate beat. He glares.
See… even now…
Can’t help yourself.
Just go back to your boyfriend.
ALEX. He’s not my –
JESSE. Any more.
He’s not your boyfriend any more.
ALEX. Is that what this is?
(Talking over her.) No I’m no – fuck you…
This is a reaction to being called a Nazi.
ALEX (talking over him). The banlieue is not safe.
There is a burnt-out car –
JESSE. A fucking. Nazi.
ALEX. He didn’t –
JESSE. Don’t you dare –
ALEX. He didn’t say the word Nazi –
JESSE. He literally just said. In front of you.
Like this close…
Like so close you could probably feel his hard-on –
ALEX. Don’t be crass.
JESSE. Fine. His goyshe fucking pig breath.
ALEX. You are acting like a real prick. You know that?
JESSE (talking over her). Jews should know better because of what happened in Germany.
ALEX. That’s not calling you a Nazi though is it?
JESSE. He’s not the brightest tool… It wasn’t exactly subtle…
ALEX. He’s really upset.
JESSE. Awwww poor ickle fingy.
ALEX. You need to dial back the aggression –
JESSE. Oh I’m sorry do you feel threatened?
ALEX. A little. Actually.
JESSE. Oh do one…
ALEX. I don’t like this colour on you.
JESSE. Are you actually having a fucking laugh?
She turns. Walks…
JESSE. Alex…
ALEX. I’m getting a cab.
JESSE. I’m sorry…
I’m just –
Alex.
She stops.
ALEX. It’s rough here. We need to go.
JESSE. It’s fine.
ALEX. It’s not fine. There are kids all down the way, looking for people like us to fuck over.
JESSE. You’re fine. C’mon.
I’ll
use my Nazi fucking…
Magic –
…to protect you…
ALEX. Your Nazi magic?
Beat. They both try not to laugh.
JESSE. I could not think of a word.
ALEX. So you landed on magic?
JESSE. I’m really upset and it sounded way sharper in my head.
ALEX. I’m engaged to Harry Potter.
JESSE. Don’t take the piss.
ALEX. No… sorry. You’re right.
Don’t want you to zap me with your Nazi magic.
JESSE. You’re a ridiculous human being.
ALEX. Me?
Beat. Long beat.
JESSE. I can’t even go on holiday without some ape giving me shit about Benjamin Netan-fuck-you…
ALEX. Did you just make that up?
JESSE. Yeah, fully.
ALEX. Smooth.
JESSE. I am so fly right now, I could play Quidditch…
ALEX. You and your magic…
Knob.
What am I gonna do with you?
JESSE. My magic knob?
ALEX. We need to go. I’m getting an Uber.
JESSE. Wait. Is that my coat?
ALEX. Did you only just see it?
JESSE. I was reeling from the anti-Semitism.
ALEX. It was hardly anti-Semitic.
JESSE. I’m sorry. I love you.
But you don’t get to call it.
Beat.
(Shouts.) Why is it so fucking cold?
ALEX. It’s December? I don’t know… The northern hemisphere is closer to space?
JESSE. We live in London… My family are from the Shtetl. I should be built for this shit…
ALEX. So what are you built for?
JESSE. I dunno…
Let’s fuck off right now and find out.
ALEX. If it calms you down… I’m game.
JESSE. I feel like it’s gonna be the same everywhere, though.
The whole world hates the dirty fucking Jew.
ALEX. You could go to Israel.
JESSE. I’m not going to Israel…
ALEX. Apparently you love it.
JESSE. Apparently…
But…
Likud…
And…
It’s really hot.
And… I’d die.
And… if I didn’t actually die my mum would be so worried that I could potentially die at the hands of some crazed militant Hamas toddler in a tunnel with a flame-throwing teddy or just scorpions… actually… not terrorist scorpions – that’s not a thing… just actual insect scorpions, are they insects? Scorpion scorpions. Little fucker scorpions with claws and stings – them… So actually the the the sheer nagging alone would end with my plunging from the top of Mount Sinai.
ALEX. Which is in Egypt.
JESSE. Exactly. So getting my body back would be an absolute bitch.
ALEX. We established I do not like that word…
JESSE. We did. I’m sorry.
ALEX. We could go to America.
JESSE. They love the Jews in America.
ALEX. Shall I book tickets?
JESSE. Do it.
ALEX. I’m serious…
JESSE. Good. Cos, I’d follow you to the end of the earth.
She does Pyscho with the knife and the noise.
It’s true.
I’m besotted with you.
ALEX. Just don’t turn me into a dress.
Laughter.
Where in America?
JESSE. New York.
ALEX. Medium… LA.
JESSE. I hate LA.
Chicago.
ALEX. Florida.
JESSE. Did you not hear the bit where we talked about how I’m from the Shtetl. In deepest darkest fucking Arctic Russia. I will literally just burn.
Seattle.
ALEX. Chattanooga…
JESSE. What you call me?
ALEX. Stop it!
It’s the capital of Tennessee.
JESSE. You’ll find that’s Nashville.
ALEX. Fine… I enjoy how it sounds.
But also, Nashville.
JESSE. DC. I could get my politics on.
ALEX. Too soon…
JESSE. I’m sorry.
ALEX. It’s the worst thing you’ve ever done… We missed Prince!
JESSE. We were only a day late…
ALEX. Prince!
And, Washington is just Hollywood for ugly people.
JESSE. Well I believe we once established who was the good-looking one here.
ALEX. You’re good-looking.
JESSE. Thanks.
ALEX. Mostly.
Beat. She sits.
Fucking Uber cancelled on me!
My dad spoke about Mum after you stormed off…
JESSE. Okay.
ALEX. It’s my mum’s memorial…
JESSE. When?
ALEX. January. Ten years…
JESSE. Then we should go.
Beat.
ALEX. I never noticed this church.
JESSE. That is one motherfucker of a spire.
ALEX. It looks like a really big penis.
JESSE. My really big penis?
ALEX (tapping his forehead). This one. Yes –
JESSE. Still got it.
ALEX. You know what they say…
Once you go white, nothing is right.
JESSE. When did you not go white?
ALEX. I don’t actually see colour.
JESSE. Well it’s suddenly quite apparent what you see…
She laughs.
I think you’ll find the phrase you need to worry about is, once you go cut…
You’ll find foreskins really quite disgusting actually.
ALEX. Well that just trips off the tongue, doesn’t it?
JESSE. The foreskins?
ALEX. Stop!
JESSE. I’m sorry about tonight.
ALEX. Me too.
JESSE. It’s okay… I love you…
ALEX. I think I should go to the memorial on my own.
Sorry.
Beat. He tries not to react…
JESSE. O-kay…
ALEX. I just think… To… To to spend some time with my dad…
And to remember Mum and we can…
I don’t know. Just be. Without having to worry about – just. Just us.
He doesn’t know me as an adult.
And he won’t be around for –
Long.
And he should know me as an adult.
I think it’s the right thing to do.
Just this once…
Long beat. JESSE just manages to fight it.
I hope you can understand that…
He smiles. Touches her.
JESSE. Wait…
ALEX. What now?
JESSE. Listen…
They listen.
Beat.
We hear ‘Fuck the Pain Away’ by Peaches/2 Many DJ’s – in the distance.
Can you hear that?
ALEX. I love this song. This song gives me goosebumps.
I’ve got goosebumps
JESSE. I’ve got itchy balls.
ALEX. Why do you ruin everything?
JESSE. Conflated sense of ego?
Major mommy issues?
I have no self-esteem and I’m desperate for approval…?
Oh my god Ibiza…
JESSE. Space?
ALEX. No! Stop.
JESSE. It was me, it was you! 2004 –
ALEX. No! You’re such a weirdo!
JESSE. June! On the beach! We listened to this and smoked a spliff!
ALEX. No we didn’t! You’d never do that anyway.
JESSE. I was twenty! I did it then. I was trying to impress you.
You were off your face and you don’t remember.
ALEX. Meant to be…
JESSE. I know. I kissed you goodbye.
ALEX. No you didn’t.
JESSE. We listened to this.
On the beach.
<
br /> ALEX. No we didn’t.
JESSE. What if it was me…?
ALEX. It was absolutely not you.
JESSE. I’ve always remembered you.
ALEX. You’re full of shit…
JESSE. Wouldn’t it be fucking beautiful if it was us…
ALEX. Well… yes…
But it wasn’t…
JESSE. Like, beshert… meant to be… like fucking Romeo and Juliet.
ALEX. Romeo and Juliet die, you know that right?
JESSE. Whoa, Alex! Spoiler alert…!
ALEX. Oh god Beefa was nearly fifteen years ago…
JESSE. Twelve.
ALEX. Still.
Over thirty feels like a big deal.
That’s forty-five.
ALEX. That’s telling…
JESSE. Time to think about cracking on with the kids though.
ALEX (re: her phone). Why is Uber in Paris so shit, where the fuck is he going?
JESSE. Don’t change the subject.
ALEX. I’m not changing the subject. I’m just getting us out of here which is what I’ve been trying to do for the past ten minutes. So really, you’re changing the subject.
JESSE. Don’t you want to have kids with me?
ALEX. My battery’s gone. Can I have your phone?
JESSE. Wait.
Why don’t you want to have kids with me?
ALEX. Stop being ridiculous. I’m trying to get us –
JESSE. No no no no no…
You’re suddenly all like cagey and shit.
ALEX. I am not cagey… I’m ordering a cab.
JESSE (half-joking). Why don’t you want to have kids with me, Alex?
ALEX. I want to go.
JESSE. Don’t you want kids with me?
ALEX. We’re in the middle of Murder Mile Paris.
This is not the time to talk about having a baby.
JESSE. I’m not going anywhere until you answer the question…
ALEX. So I’ll see you at the hotel.
JESSE. This is really important actually.
ALEX. So is not getting murdered, mugged or raped.
JESSE. I can’t marry someone who doesn’t want my kids…
ALEX. I want your kids. Of course, I want your kids.
/ Can we go now please?
JESSE. So what’s the problem? Like why was that so hard to say…? Like sometimes Alex, Jesus-fucking-Christ.
ALEX. Why are you getting upset again? I thought we –
JESSE. Yeah.
Slight beat.
What?
Beat.
ALEX. Yeah.
JESSE. What?
Beat.
That’s amazing. Ohmygod Al… that’s brilliant.
ALEX. Is it?
JESSE. It’s not?
ALEX. I can’t take time off right now… the business is really –
One Jewish Boy Page 3