JESSE. I can…
ALEX. And then –
JESSE. What?
Beat.
(Laughing.) What Alex…? It’s not mine?
Beat.
I’m joking…
She shrugs.
It is mine right?
Alex…?
2014. A kitchen in Hackney, London
Mess. Undecorated. Boxes.
JESSE. Close your eyes –
ALEX. Why?
JESSE. Cos I asked.
ALEX. I have a sense of smell –
JESSE. Why are you trying to ruin it?
ALEX. I’m not I can just –
JESSE. Close them.
ALEX. No –
JESSE. You’re ruining it –
ALEX. But I can smell fish ’n’ chips –
JESSE. How stupid do you think I am?
ALEX. Medium.
JESSE. Shut up and close your eyes.
ALEX. I missed you –
JESSE. Eyes –
ALEX. What?
JESSE. Close them –
ALEX. I have.
JESSE. I can see –
ALEX. They’re closed!
JESSE. You’re peeping –
ALEX. Kiss me.
JESSE. I’m going –
ALEX. Noooooooooo.
Kiss me. You’re so handsome.
Kiss me… Come here –
JESSE. Eyes.
ALEX. I’d like to remind you that you have a beautiful woman throwing herself at you.
JESSE. More like a femme fatale trying to entrap me…
ALEX. I’ll take that.
JESSE. Eyes Alex!
ALEX. Okay. Okay…
You better not do anything though.
I hate surprises.
Where are you? I’m opening my eyes.
JESSE. You won’t get the present –
ALEX. I’m bored now –
JESSE. You’re so juvenile.
Here you go.
It’s a really nice bottle of champagne.
ALEX. That’s not fish ’n’ chips.
JESSE. I told you I was clever.
ALEX (grins). When?
JESSE. It’s Krug.
ALEX. I can see.
JESSE. Vintage.
Well. 1984. The year we were born.
I’ve been saving it.
ALEX. Since then? – fuck we’re old…
JESSE. Oi…
ALEX. Chilled too. You’re so sweet.
Fish ’n’ chips and champagne.
Kiss.
Look what we did Jesse… Look at our house.
JESSE. I mean… you did most of it…
ALEX. Potato po-fucken-tar-to –
JESSE. Can we do Chanukah?
ALEX. Is that today?
JESSE (nods). Did you unpack the glasses?
ALEX. I unpacked the record player.
JESSE. Is that all you did while I was out?
ALEX. Well I did a lot of thinking…
JESSE. O-kay…
ALEX. I actually have a bunch of life questions that I’ve been waiting to bring up…
JESSE. Important life questions?
ALEX. Well… Bread. Who decided it was a good idea to grind down some grass, add fungus, sugar and salt, water leave it then bake it… and then wipe the separated fat of cow mucus across it?
Who made that a thing?
And coffee?
We’ll take this seed from this random berry. Roast it, grind it and pour hot water through it…?
JESSE. You are such a weirdo.
ALEX. These chips are really very good.
JESSE. I told you. So did you unpack anything else?
ALEX. Records.
His reaction.
Actually.
JESSE. Where are you going now?
ALEX (re: champagne). Give.
Come in here. I’ve got something I want to show you.
Sit there…
I was trying to find something to dance to before and I found this old record...
JESSE. Let me guess…
ALEX. Don’t ruin it.
It’s ‘Hyperballad’ by Björk.
ALEX has found this point in the record a hundred times before, it’s about three minutes and twenty seconds in.
She illustrates the bit she likes by singing along and kind of dancing at
JESSE from the bridge section…
JESSE’s seen it before and mouths the words right back. Just before the song breaks to the instrumental at 4:05 we get a:
JESSE pulls ALEX forward and kisses her.
I love this song.
She sits down on the floor next to JESSE.
They both stare ahead listening to the music.
JESSE takes a long swig of champagne, passes it. ALEX drinks.
After about a minute, as the music starts to wind down to the slow violin ending, ALEX moves her head to the side, and then rests it on JESSE’s shoulder.
JESSE smiles, his eyes glancing down at ALEX.
JESSE moves his head, so that his cheek is touching the top of ALEX’s head.
ALEX looks up, JESSE looks down.
JESSE. I love you.
It’s not long before they have held hands. ALEX closes her eyes.
Smiles.
2009. Parliament Hill, Hampstead Heath
JESSE, curled up, is having the shit kicked out of him.
ATTACKER. You fucking parasite.
Kicking.
Hitler was right. He should have gassed the lot of you.
Throws a bottle, smacks him with a dog’s chain.
You dirty fucking Jew…
2016. A street in Islington
ALEX is heavily pregnant.
JESSE is eating a bag of chips.
JESSE (proffers bag). Want a chip?
ALEX. I’m explaining woke.
JESSE. They’re good chips.
ALEX. Are they woke chips though?
JESSE. Well I apparently don’t know what woke is…
ALEX. I want the pickled onion.
JESSE. Absolutely not.
How about a skin layer?
JESSE. Oh please don’t eat my pickled onion…
ALEX. You can have all the chips.
JESSE. I’ve been saving it.
ALEX. Less calories though.
JESSE. Fewer…
ALEX. I know, Jesse…
She winces.
JESSE. What was that?
ALEX. I just got a sharp –
JESSE. Okay okay okay… You can have the onion…
Sharp sharp.
What’s the date?
JESSE. You’re not due for ages…
ALEX. Well, I was a week early…
JESSE. It’s at least three. I think you’ll be fine…
Beat. He passes the chip bag over.
Enjoy your onion.
He pauses. Looks about. She tries not to rise.
ALEX. I can’t handle the – (Breathes through.) grease.
JESSE. The grease is wonderful…
ALEX. I just got another… .
JESSE. What’s it like?
ALEX. Like a weird twinge
JESSE. I think you’re fine. You’ll be fine.
You can walk… You’re fine.
There’s a moment as she takes that in.
I’m actually beginning to think my soulmate might be carbs.
ALEX. Well… maybe you can bother carbs with your incessant attempts at sexing…
JESSE. Erm… you’re still my mistress. Actually.
ALEX. I think you’ll find I’m your wife…
Although right now I feel like your heifer.
JESSE. Shut up you’re stunning.
ALEX. Which is precisely what they do to heifers just before they slaughter them.
JESSE. Well, I just want to put this right out there, I enjoy you visually.
Pregnant you is hot.
ALEX. Well enjoy the visuals because we’re never having
sex again.
JESSE. Not on your life lady.
ALEX. Fine but you’re having a vasectomy.
JESSE. My little boy penis was butchered enough in the first week of my life…
I am not having a vasectomy.
ALEX. Do you remember that?
JESSE. Original trauma.
ALEX. Oh you and your traumas…
JESSE. Vaguely inherited when you unpack it…
Good.
You never struck me as a chubby chaser.
JESSE. As, clearly the only feminist in the room –
ALEX (talking through him). This is called a street…
JESSE (he doesn’t stop). – I feel like we need to unpack how problematic that is.
ALEX. As problematic as explaining feminism to me?
JESSE. Ow…!
ALEX. What?
JESSE. I just bit the inside of my cheek.
ALEX. You eat too fast…
JESSE. I don’t…
ALEX. It’s okay. You’re talking… You’re fine…
JESSE. You’re not funny.
ALEX. I am. It’s called karma. And you pronounce it, ha!
JESSE. You’re all charm tonight.
ALEX. Can we sit down a minute…?
JESSE. Let’s just get home. You’ve been on your feet all day.
If it’s still a worry we’ll –
He suddenly takes her arm. Forcefully marches her across the road.
ALEX. Owww –
What are you doing?
JESSE. Bloke there… Looks a bit –
ALEX. That hurt…
JESSE. Sorry. He looks a bit –
ALEX. What? A bit what?
Beat. Searching…
JESSE. Let’s just go.
ALEX. No Jesse.
What the fuck was that?
JESSE. I feel like I’ve done something…
ALEX. It’s not cool.
JESSE. What’s not cool?
ALEX. Crossing the road when you see someone who’s a bit – (Air quotes on the bit.)
Is not cool.
Beat. He stops. Indignation.
What?
JESSE. I’m not a racist.
Beat. Her glare.
JESSE. I’m not… but the demographic –
ALEX. There –
JESSE. What?
ALEX. Because the demographic has changed… I never had you pitched for a Brexiteer…
JESSE. There are actually all sorts of reasons people voted –
ALEX. Did you vote for Brexit?
JESSE. Can we just go home please…?
ALEX. Ohmygod Jesse, did you vote Tory?
JESSE. No of course I didn’t I hate Tories… Darth Mayder is –
ALEX. But you didn’t vote Labour and you keep going on about being rudderless lately and if you voted Brexit and I’m pretty sure you voted Brexit then why not just make the full leap to –
JESSE. I didn’t vote Brexit.
ALEX. Liar.
JESSE. Don’t call me a liar.
ALEX. Well I don’t know what to believe.
JESSE. Are you serious right now?
ALEX. Well, the brown-looking man started walking towards us and you crossed over, so…
JESSE. There’s been a marked change in the demographic of this part of Islington since ‘austerity’ and I’m speaking mainly about crime and not about colour because the fucking Tories are ruining this country by decimating our services. And frankly and I’m sorry but there is a left-wing argument for Brexit actually, because the EU is fundamentally undemocratic in fact it’s already a neoliberal prison which locks in austerity for any nation that signs up… so it’s possible to vote Lexit and not be a racist…
ALEX. Would you have crossed if he was white?
JESSE. Why would that matter?
ALEX. Because he looked like you?
JESSE. I’m not white.
ALEX. No?
JESSE. No!
Beat. She stares. Re: You’re white.
You know full well that / Semitic and Caucasian are two distinctly –
ALEX. I know that you saw a man who didn’t look like you and you crossed the road.
JESSE. He could’ve been anyone.
ALEX. I got attacked here once.
JESSE. What?
ALEX. By a white guy –
JESSE. I’m not white!
ALEX. He came up all – Can I borrow your phone. My battery’s died.
JESSE. And if you gave it to him you’re an idiot.
ALEX. He took it actually.
Forcibly.
After smacking me in the face.
But I don’t cross whenever I see a white guy.
I mean imagine the… (Zigzagging with her hands.)
JESSE. I’m not white Alex.
ALEX. Would you’ve crossed the road if it was my dad?
JESSE. No. Don’t be ridiculous. That’s not what I’m saying!
ALEX. A lot of people Jesse. White people Jesse. Cross the road when they see my dad.
JESSE. I’m. Not. White.
ALEX. Well my mum’s white…
So…
She shrugs.
JESSE. I don’t know what you’re saying…
ALEX. I’m saying like you’re saying that people are fucken idiots and we all face it.
JESSE. Exactly…
ALEX. But this is new on you.
JESSE. What’s new?
She considers. She doesn’t rise to it.
What’s new, Alex?
ALEX. It doesn’t matter. I just wanna talk about something wholesome.
JESSE. Like broccoli?
ALEX. Or our daughter.
JESSE. Not long now.
ALEX. Hopefully a little longer though. It hurts.
JESSE. Stop worrying. I promise you. You’re okay…
ALEX. Yes doctor.
I can’t wait to meet her.
JESSE. Same… I’ve always wanted a little girl.
Which is weird cos all the guys I know want boys and all the women I know want girls which makes sense I guess…
ALEX. I kind of wanted a boy.
A gay boy actually cos they love their mums more…
JESSE. I know at least three gays who hate their moms.
ALEX. Wait.
Don’t you hate your mum?
JESSE. No, piss off, she’s just weird.
And a narcissist… .
But thank god we’re having a girl though cos you are absolutely not making our son gay.
ALEX. Well… he can be gay if he wants…
JESSE. I mean, yes of course, but, there’s a lot there…
ALEX. Such as…?
JESSE. Just the scene and stuff…
ALEX. But what does a lot there mean?
JESSE. Some of those guys are hardcore.
ALEX. I don’t think they’re any worse than the scenes we grew up on.
JESSE. Crystal meth –
ALEX. You don’t think straight people take crystal meth?
JESSE. Are you accusing me of homophobia now?
ALEX. Of course not… I’m mainly just saying thank god for a girl really cos no one wants to –
She mimes scissors cutting as she bites down loudly on her teeth.
JESSE. What’s up with –
He mimes scissors cutting as he bites down loudly on his teeth.
ALEX. Just –
JESSE. Just, what?
ALEX. Why are you always defensive?
JESSE. I’m not always anything.
We talked about this.
ALEX. I just said there’s a bit of me that’s relieved it’s a girl.
JESSE. Because…
ALEX. Because I’m not sure I can do that to my little boy.
JESSE. Your hypothetical little boy won’t feel it.
ALEX. They cut through his penis with a blade. Of course he’ll feel it.
JESSE. Well, as a boy, whose penis they cut…
I’m telling you he won’t
.
ALEX. You just don’t remember it.
JESSE. So what does it matter?
ALEX. I will.
JESSE. It’s not your penis.
ALEX. Is it yours?
JESSE. Why do you always turn the question?
ALEX. I was reading that until they’re three…
JESSE (interrupting). Oh were you reading? What were you reading?
Beat.
ALEX. It doesn’t matter.
JESSE. No please.
Enlighten me.
ALEX. What are you doing?
JESSE. What are you doing?
ALEX. I hate it when you get like this…
JESSE. Well I hate it when someone takes it on themselves to goysplain the pros and cons of Judaism to me –
ALEX. Careful…
JESSE. I don’t force my culture onto you…
She rolls her eyes.
What was that?
ALEX. Nothing.
JESSE. Don’t roll your eyes…
I don’t Alex… I do not force…
ALEX. Okay. Fine.
I mean…
You talk about it enough.
JESSE. What does that mean…?
ALEX. It’s the basis of every example and every decision that you make.
JESSE. And you’re telling me your upbringing and religious-secular beliefs do not inform your own process?
ALEX. No more than anyone else’s…
JESSE. Exactly – you just notice mine cos it’s ‘other’.
ALEX. You’re a nice educated boy from North London. How other do you think you actually are?
JESSE. I’m not gonna feel bad because my grandparents who escaped the Holocaust and came here with nothing worked hard enough for my parents to have an education. I’m not going to apologise for that. It’s amazing. I’m proud / of them. They turned it around within a generation.
ALEX. I’m not asking you to feel bad, I’m asking you to consider whether your head start, from hard work or anything else, is really any more ‘other’ than the Jamaican-Irish Catholic Windrush girl from a council estate.
JESSE. Oh is that the girl who lives in the four-hundred-thousand-pound garden flat on Orford Road?
ALEX. I have worked really hard for that flat. I have made compromises and taken the kind of shit that would have had you reeling and I have kept my mouth shut consistently… at all the dicks and all the letches and the racists actually Jesse and the class bullshit and all of it… and have kept my head down and played the long game and worked really fucken hard and I have taken risks and put myself on the line in ways you couldn’t even fucken imagine for that fucken flat.
JESSE. Well done, you.
ALEX. It is actually. Because unlike you Jesse, I don’t have minted parents to bail me out when –
JESSE licks his thumb and wipes ALEX’s nose.
One Jewish Boy Page 4