Lost destiny

by Michael A. Stackpole

  "Would you trust me if I said yes?"

  Focht chewed his lower lip for a second, then nodded. "The fact that you came into ComStar because you or your masters saw the order as an evil that had to be stopped tells me you are not married to the pseudo-sacred mythological foundation for all of this. That you risked your life to actually subvert the perversity the Primus wished to work on the Successor States indicates you can take action when warranted. If you tell me you want to use all we have to repair the evil we have wrought, I will trust you."

  "Where do we start?"

  Focht put the pistol back in the pouch and slipped his arm around Sharilar's shoulders. "The first thing we do, my child, is drive a stake through her heart, then bury her in the same grave where we inter the Word of Blake."

  46

  Valigia

  Alyina, Jade Falcon Occupation Zone

  10 June 3052

  Kai Allard looked up and waved as Erik Mahler honked the horn on the aircar. He handed the metal brush and actuator fitting to the Tech beside him, then wiped his hands on a rag. "I'll be with you in a minute," he shouted through the 'Mech bay's open door as he crossed to the wash basin. He scrubbed off most of the grime, rolled his sleeves down, then donned his jacket.

  Heading out, he paused and looked back. Five months of sitting beneath Mar Negro had taken its toll on Yen-lo-wang, but it had been cleaning up nicely since they'd salvaged it. Malthus had suggested that its refurbishment become something of a project for the Techs and Mech Warriors who had been released from Firebase Tango Zephyr. Those who were able quickly agreed to work on it and the prospect of taking part in the rebuilding had prompted a number of warriors to press their doctors for early release dates from the hospital.

  The BattleMech stood tall and proud despite the places where it had lost paint to the scraping off of barnacles. Wires and actuators dangled from the right-arm stump, but the Gauss rifle waiting to replace the one lost when Michaels' hovertruck exploded sat below on a pallet. The viewport canopy likewise lay at the Centurion's feet, and men wandered in and out of the cockpit through it.

  "For obvious reasons, I think that is one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. It brings back many memories of my service. I can well understand your love for that machine." Mahler stood beside the driver's door. "I have no doubt that Clan children will be frightened into correct behavior with tales of Yen-lo-wang."

  Kai gave Mahler a smile, then climbed into the passenger seat. As Mahler climbed back in behind the wheel and started the fans going, he handed Kai a slip of paper. "The people manning the ComStar facility got a reply to the message you sent out. A ship coming from Yeguas will arrive at Morges to pick you up in two weeks. The Clans will ship you out in twenty-four hours so you can make the rendezvous."

  "What about the people too sick to make jumps?"

  Mahler gave him an easy smile. "We will send them out later. Malthus has chosen to expand your arrangement concerning the Firebase Tango Zephyr prisoners to include all Federated Commonwealth military in thanks for your help in pacifying the ComStar units here. They will make regular relays to Morges for as long as it takes to repatriate all of them."

  "Twenty-four hours, eh?" Kai glanced down at his hands as Malthus guided the aircar into traffic. "That's not much time."

  Mahler kept his eyes on the road. "You have yet to decide what to do about her?"

  "No." The MechWarrior sighed heavily. "I love her, but I fear our natures are so contrary that we will rip each other apart."

  The older man laughed lightly. "Isn't that the reason they say opposites attract? Is one not drawn to that which is different? Hilda and I fought like cats and dogs when we first met."

  Kai shook his head glumly. "There is one thing I have learned in my time on Alyina. It is something I suspected before, and it is something my parents and Victor and others had told me: I am a good warrior."

  "You are a superior warrior—Star Commander Malthus continually assures me of that."

  "I ..."

  Before Kai could contradict him, Mahler fixed him with a steady stare. "He says that had you been made a captive of the Jade Falcons, he would have made you his bondsman only so he could immediately petition for your adoption as a Warrior into the Jade Falcon Clan. The Wolves did that with someone they captured and it is believed to be their intention for Prince Ragnar of Rasalhague. In you, he said, the Jade Falcons would have had a Warrior to put the Wolves' adoptees to shame."

  "Malthus is given to exaggeration." Kai felt the heat of a blush on his cheeks. "I know what you are saying has its basis in fact, and that's a lot more than you would ever have heard me admit not too long ago. Deirdre is right in reminding me that I would consider remarkable in another what I consider barely adequate in myself. I am a warrior—therein lie my skills and my drive and my desire. Therein lies my problem."

  "What's the problem?" Mahler made a left turn in the aircar and Kai saw the Valigia General Hospital swing into view further down the road. "In my time I saw plenty of troopies fall in love with anyone who was close during a leave. You and Deirdre are different. If there is a problem, I don't see it."

  'The problem is that we do love each other, but that love was born here on Alyina. Living on the run is a totally artificial situation. How can we know if our love is genuine?"

  "It strikes me, Kai, you've shifted the focus of your inquiry. By stating your question in that manner, you have already begun to take refuge in the perception that it isn't genuine." Mahler's voice dropped in tone. "Furthermore that has nothing to do with your being a warrior, does it?"

  Kai winced. "You're right. I know what I have to do and I'm going to do it. If we stay together, having to live with what I do and what I am will tear her apart."

  "Are you underestimating her emotional strength, my friend?"

  "It is possible, but if I am not, I could destroy her." He looked over at Mahler. "I cannot take that risk, for her sake and for mine."

  Mahler steered the aircar into the hospital's parking garage. "So what will you do?"

  What I've done before. "I will tell her that all of this was a mistake."

  The older man laughed. "She is quite strong-willed. She will ignore you."

  "I know that." Kai nervously picked at his left thumbnail. "I will take on the tone of a noble talking to a commoner. Lord knows I've been accused of being a snob at times because I tend to be fairly private. Well I can turn around and use that. I'll tell her that I only stayed with her because it wouldn't be proper to leave one of our women alone with the Clansfolk around. Now that I can return home, however, this ridiculous liaison will have to end."

  Sympathetic pain tightened the flesh at the corners of Mahler's eyes. "You are setting yourself up to be hated."

  "It'll give her a focus for her anger and make her think she is better off without me." Which she probably is.

  "Oh, then be sure to offer her money, too, so she can buy herself something to remember you by."

  "In for a bullet, in for a barrage." Kai gave Mahler a sidelong glance. "For someone who is happily married, you seem knowledgeable about how I should do this."

  Pulling the aircar into a parking place, the retired MechWarrior shrugged. "As I said, I have had many kids in my commands who got 'engaged' on a Friday night, then looked at being shipped out on a Monday. I learned how to deal with it, jaT

  "Yeah." Kai pulled back on the handle and opened the door. "I don't know how long this will take."

  Mahler patted him on the shoulder. "I'll wait for you."

  Kai nodded and left the vehicle. He walked across a bridge to the hospital proper and entered on the fourth floor. He asked after Deirdre at a nurse's station and was told she was up in pediatrics. Using the stairway to which he had been directed, he took the steps one at a time to delay his confrontation.

  Dread welling up in his stomach, he opened the door to the pediatrics floor and immediately saw her down the hallway with her back to him. She had a young child in, h
er arms and rocked it back and forth. He could not hear the words she sang, but the lullaby's melody fell softly on his ears.

  Kai, you are mad if you send this woman away. You do love her, and she loves you. The reconciliation of your differences will make for a very strong partnership. Hell, if your parents could love each other despite being from different backgrounds and from nations at war with each other, how can you fail in a much easier situation?

  As that thought occurred to him, the anxiety building in him drained away. He smiled and started to feel very good. A nurse came from the room near Deirdre and pointed Kai out to her, then accepted the child from her arms. Deirdre brushed the child's dark hair away from its face, then turned and smiled at him.

  "The Clans have ..."

  She held up a hand and pointed to another open doorway. "Let's not talk in the hallway. In here."

  Kai nodded, a bit puzzled, but entered the room ahead of her. He realized that discussing their departure from the world might be confusing to some folks and he imagined she wanted to avoid upsetting children within earshot. As he turned around, she closed the door, then pointed him toward a chair.

  "Kai, we have to talk."

  He nodded. "I know. Erik Mahler says we have a ship leaving tomorrow. I can make arrangements for both of us so our gear will get on board without you having to cut back any of your hours here." He pulled up the chair and sat. "When we get to the Commonwealth, I'll get us passage back to New Avalon as fast as possible."

  Still standing, she glanced down at the plastityle floor. "Kai, I'm not going with you."

  "What?" A fist tightened around his heart. "Not going?"

  "I am going to stay here. There is a lot of work to be done. There are a lot of people who can use my help."

  "Fine, then I'll stay, too."

  "No, Kai, you're leaving!" Her hands balled into fists. "You have to go."

  "I don't understand, Deirdre." He started to stand again, but she slid by him and pressed him back down into the chair. He half-turned to watch her. "What's going on here?"

  She stared out the window. "It will never work, Kai. We come from different worlds and have different goals."

  He stood and slipped up behind her. "It will work, because we will make it work." He started to put his arms around her, but she pushed them away and whirled on him.

  "Enough games, Kai. I didn't want to hurt you, but you leave me no choice." She folded her arms across her chest and met his stare unflinchingly. "You're a nice guy and it was wonderful to be with you on the run behind the lines. The Mahlers certainly couldn't defend me, and I wouldn't have wanted them to be hurt for harboring me. Just my luck that you had to be the first soldier to come along. You're not half bad as a lover, either, but you were just a diversion for me."

  Kai felt as if his heart had collapsed into a black hole. A diversion? Sex for protection? All the things she said were lies? He staggered back and dropped into his chair. How could I have been so stupid?

  "You see, Kai, you have a military mindset. You could never begin to understand the sort of complex individual I am. Your occupation would keep you tied down, and I cannot allow myself to be anchored to someone like you. Besides that, I really want someone with more maturity." She shrugged with only a hint of stiffness. "Someday, perhaps, you'll understand."

  Stunned, Kai closed his eyes as blood rushed to his face. A lump thickened his throat, but somehow he was devoid of anything but mortification. He felt totally empty. I must have been insane to think ...

  He hesitated, then hung his head in resignation. It finally occurred to him that he was hearing her version of the "I will make her hate me" talk he had prepared to deliver. That means she, too, thinks my being a warrior will tear us to pieces. I've gone and shirked my duty, forcing her to bear the responsibility for this. How could I do that to her?

  Kai opened his eyes and nodded his head. "I hear what you are saying, Doctor, and I understand it all too well." He looked over at her as he slowly regained his feet. "Whatever your motives, I appreciate all you did for me during our time together. You healed me and made me understand many things about myself and the world. For that I will never forget you, and I will labor all my life to make your sacrifices on my behalf worth it."

  Deirdre Lear, silhouetted against the window, said nothing, but Kai saw a slight tremble in her shoulders.

  "I will inflict myself no longer on you, Doctor." He turned toward the door so he would not have to look at her. "We will never again see each other but I hope, once in a while, you will think of me kindly." He pulled the door open and stepped through it. "For I will certainly think that way of you."

  With all the softness and finality of a coffin lid closing, the door slid shut behind him.

  47

  JumpShip Dire Wolf, Transfer Orbit

  Diosd, Wolf Occupation Zone

  12 June 3052

  Clad in gray ceremonial learners and pinned in place by an overhead spotlight, Phelan held his head high. Standing be- * fore him, on a raised dais and similarly lit from above, Ulric wore a black cloak with a mantle of gray wolf fur and a black-enameled wolf mask. On a raised stand between them stood a golden lamp in the shape of a wolf, the wick rising from the middle of its back guttering gently. Phelan knew other members of the Wolf Clan had gathered outside the intersecting light circles, but he could neither see nor hear them.

  'Trothkin, seen and unseen, near and far, living and dead, be of brave heart. Another of your number has been blooded." Ulric's hollow voice filled the room, yet failed to echo back from the walls. "Five batties he has fought, defeating a Star of his peers, and he is victorious. We have all witnessed his contest and none may deny the rede of it."

  "Seyla," whispered the invisible Warriors surrounding them.

  The wolf's head tipped down toward him. "Phelan, you came to us a bondsman but proved your worth in a way that only a Warrior could. We adopted you, a foundling, into the Warrior Caste and you trained hard to pass your Trial of Position. Given combat duty, you succeeded beyond all expectation, capturing the world of Gunzburg by yourself, and bringing to us the Prince of Rasalhague. Even in this last battle, the losing effort on Tukayyid, you and your people won out where so many other Clans failed."

  Phelan smiled at the last comment and he heard a nearly imperceptible rustling among the others in the room. Ulric paused long enough to let the image of the other Clans' failure sink in for his audience. This may be a most solemn ritual, but the ilKhan is not adverse to using it to remind us of the superior things we have done.

  "While all those deeds mark you as special, your taking of a Bloodname exalts you above the mere Warriors with and against whom you have fought. Ten and ten and five are the number who bear the same surname as you do. With it, you become a member of the Clan Council and are eligible for election to even greater office and responsibility.

  "Your Bloodname has a particularly proud pedigree. Of the fifteen who have worn it before you, ten became Khans. All were known for their skill and bravery in combat. You, winning the Bloodname just after your twenty-first birthday, have already added to its legend by being the youngest Warrior ever to win a Bloodname."

  Phelan glanced down as the image of Cyrilla's face floated before his mind's eye. "Do not mourn me, Phelan Wolf. Make me proud of you." Those were her final words to me. I hope I have succeeded.

  Ulric took one step forward and his right hand came out from beneath his cloak. "Give me your dagger."

  Phelan's right hand fell on the ceremonial silver dagger he had been given when adopted into the Warrior Caste. As he drew the knife and presented the wolf's-head pommel to the ilKhan, his left hand rested over the hound's-head belt buckle he had rescued from Vlad.

  Ulric accepted the dagger in his right hand, then took hold of Phelan's wrist with his own left hand. He gently caressed the blade across the palm and bore down only slightly at the edge of his hand. The resulting cut stung and immediately welled up with blood.

  Phelan clo
sed his hand into a fist and squeezed hard. A drop of blood fell into the lamp's fire and immediately climbed upward as a puff of smoke. The flame flickered and sizzled for a second, then continued burning brightly.

  The ilKhan reversed the knife and returned it to Phelan. "You are now and for all time known among the Clans as Phelan Ward. All are to abide by the rede given here. Thus it shall stand until we all shall fall."

  "Thus it shall stand until we all shall fall," echoed the crowd.

  The light above Ulric faded to black, leaving Phelan alone in the light. He had expected the room to be empty, as it had been during his adoption ceremony, but as the lights came up, he saw many people seated in the semi-circle of chairs. Immediately he recognized Natasha and Evantha, then saw Conal Ward make his way toward the front of the room. Natasha reluctantly got up and followed him, so Phelan headed back and took up the chair she had abandoned.

  Evantha smiled at him. "Welcome, Phelan Ward."

  "Thank you, Evantha Fetladral." He jerked his head toward the front of the room where Conal was seated in a chair on the level floor while Ulric—now unmasked—and Natasha both occupied chairs on the dais. "Is this a Clan Council meeting?"

  The Elemental nodded solemnly, her red queue rising and falling at the back of her head. "It is indeed. Despite the losses we have taken in the battling, we have a quorum present in the room and"—she pointed at a camera in the corner—"within communication range."

  "Why a meeting so fast?"

  She smiled. "It may seem swift to you, Phelan, but the meeting has actually been long delayed. We have lost a Khan and we must replace him."

  Phelan nodded and looked over at Conal. That man almost became a Khan during the last election, and he is Loremaster now. He's also the bastard who cheated to give Vlad an advantage in our last fight. Almost instantly Phelan-found himself thinking as Cyrilla would have. "Evantha, what are the chances Conal will win?"