Finally Free

by Heath Lambert

  God also makes it clear that the forbidden woman herself is deceived: “She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.” Women acting in pornography are dangerous because they will lead you away from the path of life, but have you ever considered that they are deceived and themselves led astray? The woman your eyes selfishly consume doesn’t think about the way of life; she wanders aimlessly and ignorantly. The truth is that women involved in the porn industry really need men who will spend energy pointing them to Christ and helping them experience freedom from their slavery to sin, not men who use them for selfish and perverse pleasures. In the end, you should be broken over porn, not just because it damages your relationships with God and others, but because you are using women to serve your sinful flesh instead of sharing Christ with them.

  Solomon points to truth about the adulterous woman, but he also reveals truth about the consequences of sexual sin. God shows us that when a man goes near the forbidden woman, he faces horrible consequences in three areas: he gives his honor and years to the merciless; he gives his strength and labors to strangers; and his flesh and body are consumed. To put it simply, pornography destroys your time, your strength, and ultimately your body. If you’re unconvinced, listen to the story of a man I know named Jamie.

  Jamie grew up in a nominally Christian, conservative home. When he left for college, he was what most would consider a good kid—responsible and hardworking. Jamie wasn’t at college for long before he became involved with a group of young men who introduced him to pornography. Jamie loved it. He had never seen a naked woman before and had certainly never seen sex. Jamie loved porn because it allowed him to enjoy women who, he believed, were prettier than anyone he could ever have a relationship with in real life, all without any fear of rejection.

  Porn was so easy and so fun that Jamie couldn’t get enough of it. At first he was shy about walking into a store to buy it, but he quickly got over his initial embarrassment. Eventually he placed a huge bookcase in his living room full of nothing but pornographic videos. Any shame he once had about using pornography was now gone.

  Several years later, Jamie met Alyssa. They enjoyed spending time together and started a serious relationship that quickly became sexual. Alyssa knew about Jamie’s porn and didn’t like it, but she assumed porn was just a normal thing for guys. She was a bit uncomfortable when Jamie began asking her to watch pornography with him, but she wanted to make him happy, and so she forced herself to get used to it.

  Jamie and Alyssa eventually got married. After their wedding, Alyssa was shocked at how quickly Jamie lost interest in her. Their times of sexual intimacy were rare and never happened without the use of pornography. After a few years of this, Alyssa became disgusted. Jamie’s porn collection had grown so large that it now took up almost the entire basement. He would return home from work and descend into the basement to indulge in porn late into the night. He was often late for work because he had no strength to get out of bed after late nights watching actors fornicate on screen.

  Alyssa wanted out of the marriage. By now, however, she had given birth to twin daughters and was worried about how she could raise a family by herself. She tried fighting for her marriage to no avail. Jamie had moved a bed into the basement and would hardly speak to her. He lost his job and spent all of his time in the basement instead of looking for employment. One afternoon Jamie came upstairs and asked one of his daughters to come into the basement and play. Alyssa took the girls and left.

  Jamie is now in his sixties. He doesn’t have a job and lives with his elderly father. All he does, day after day, is look at porn. He doesn’t care about work, his ex-wife, or his grown daughters. He is a miserable sight to see. He is unshaven, has missing teeth, smells bad, and wears dirty clothes. Talking to him is nearly impossible, as it seems he doesn’t even know how to have a relationship with a real person anymore.

  Jamie’s story is a bad one. In fact, you might read this and feel pretty good right now, congratulating yourself that you’re not nearly as bad as he is. You might also be thinking you would never let your problem get so extreme. If so, you are missing the entire point of Proverbs 5.

  In his Word, God is warning you to stay away from the forbidden woman because of the devastating consequences she brings. Though the initial stages of temptation seem innocent, fun, and even enjoyable, eventually the sin of indulging in the adulterous woman of porn will take over your life and consume your time, your strength, and your body. When you turn to her, you lose the freedom and opportunity to determine the consequences. That’s the warning God gives to us in his Word—even though you may not see the death and destruction that pornography brings today, they are certain to come. The worst kinds of penalties are those that are stored up over the longest time. Just because you aren’t experiencing them now doesn’t mean they’re not coming.

  God knows that the forbidden woman can seem delightfully tempting, and he warns us how dangerously threatening she really is. But the passage does not stop there. Once again, God keeps our minds moving forward—to the possibility of another way of life, an alternative to the pleasures of porn:

  Drink water from your own cistern,

  running water from your own well.

  Should your springs overflow in the streets,

  your streams of water in the public squares?

  Let them be yours alone,

  never to be shared with strangers.

  May your fountain be blessed,

  and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

  A loving doe, a graceful deer—

  may her breasts satisfy you always,

  may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

  Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?

  Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?

  Proverbs 5:15–20

  After giving an honest picture of the temptations and dangers of the wayward woman, God doesn’t spend time focusing on simply avoiding her evils. As we saw at the beginning of this chapter, focusing on our sin keeps our minds and our desires trapped. Instead, God advances from a consideration of the forbidden woman to a contemplation of the lovely wife.

  From Danger to Delight: The Lovely Wife

  As God turns the page from the forbidden woman of pornography to the lovely wife of biblical marriage, he makes several observations about this new woman.

  First, God makes clear that the intimate relationship of marriage is to be shared with no one else. He compares the marriage relationship to a fountain and states, “Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.” The spring of sexuality is to be shared between you and your wife. You are not supposed to partake of water from anyone else’s well or let them share yours. The call to be married is the call to fight for an exclusive sexual relationship shared with nobody else.

  Next, God tells us we are to rejoice in the wife of our youth. I have no statistics on how long the average career is for actresses in pornography, but I’ll bet it’s pretty short. I’m confident there are no porn actresses who are sixty years old. Probably not even forty. Why not? Because selfish men who consume porn like their women young. For such men, there’s no interest in wrinkles, liver spots, or white hair. There’s no attraction in crow’s-feet, varicose veins, and sagging skin. In other words, there’s no interest in real women—women who grow older and suffer health problems. As soon as time steals away the youthful faces and tight bodies of a porn actress, the men who used to ogle them find them gross and disgusting.

  This is a sinister corruption of God’s plan for how men are to treat women. A man is created for a lifelong covenantal relationship with a woman. They marry, raise children together, and enjoy life together in a relationship of mutual trust, respect, and faith in God. A man’s life is not designed to be an endless search for different women, always on the prowl for those who are younger and more at
tractive. In 1989, Steven Curtis Chapman recorded a song titled “I Will Be Here” about staying devoted to his wife until they were parted by death. As Chapman reflected about growing old with his wife, he sang, “I will be here to watch you grow in beauty.” Men who are obsessed with porn cannot understand what this means. Their conception of beauty is dependent on the appearance of a woman on a screen or in a magazine. It cares nothing for the beauty of character, of dependence in relationship, of faithfulness and shared intimacy over many years together. A man is created to marry a woman and to grow in love for the wife of his youth as they each grow older together. God commands this because he wants you to love your wife’s whole person, not just her outward appearance. God commands this because he has designed this kind of love to be the most deeply satisfying kind of love, far sweeter than the honeyed lips of the adulterous woman.

  Finally, God states that you are to be satisfied with the physical body of your wife. The language in this passage is some of the most sexually explicit in all of Scripture. God commands you to be satisfied in the breasts of your wife. God commands that you delight in the sexual parts of your spouse. The passage goes even further, however, when it declares, “May you ever be intoxicated with her love.” Though drunkenness is a sin in the Bible, God commands it here! Not to be drunk with alcohol, but to be drunk with her love. God fully endorses sexual delight in marriage. God does not hate sex; he hates faithless sex with forbidden women, but he loves faithful sexual expressions in the context of marriage. God loves it so much that he commands, not just that it happen, but that it be enjoyed to the point of intoxication. Even if your marriage is distant or your passion for each other weak, you should hear this command as good news. God will not command something without supplying the grace and strength to obey it. There is grace for you to delight in your spouse the way God desires.

  Using This Truth as a Grace-Filled Strategy for Change

  In Proverbs 5, God does more than show us the ugliness of the forbidden woman and the beauty of the lovely wife. God gives us a strategy for change. In this passage, God acknowledges the temptation and the danger of the forbidden woman, but he doesn’t stop there. He ushers our thinking forward to a consideration of holy sexual delight within marriage. He moves from the forbidden woman to the lovely wife.

  In other words, God wants you to quit thinking about porn and start thinking about your wife.

  You need to learn to stop focusing on porn (even when you’re thinking about how much you hate it) and start focusing on your wife. Whenever your thoughts begin to drift toward porn, see this mental drift as an alarm reminding you to pray for grace to refocus your thoughts on your spouse. Proverbs 5 gives three suggestions as you seek grace to do this.

  1. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. What do you love about your wife? What about her thrills you to rejoicing? Even if you have a difficult or distant marriage, you should be able to think of some things that make you happy about your wife. Maybe you love her giggle, or the food she cooks, or how great a mother she is. Perhaps you delight in her sense of humor, her walk with Christ, or the way she serves others. Think of at least five things, and when you’re tempted to think about porn, pray through the list and ask God to fill you with joyful love for your wife.

  2. Pour energy into your relationship with your wife. Earlier we saw that God commands us not to give our energies to the forbidden woman. Instead we should use our strength to love and serve our wives. What does your wife appreciate? Perhaps she likes it when you make the bed in the morning, get breakfast for the kids, or do the dishes. Maybe she likes flowers, caresses, dinners out, or short retreats when you can be alone together. Pay attention to your wife and make a list of three small things you can do to serve her every day. When you’re tempted to serve yourself by dwelling on porn, pray for grace to serve your wife by doing some of the things on your list.

  3. Direct your sexual energies toward your wife. It’s important that this one come after the two I’ve just mentioned. If you’re not nurturing a heart full of love for your wife on the inside and serving her consistently on the outside, directing your sexual desires toward her will just perpetuate the sexual selfishness of indulging in porn. The fruit of sexual expression is only fully enjoyed by the one who cares well for the roots and shoots of the entire plant. You can’t enjoy the blossom of sex without caring for the larger plant in your relationship with your wife. Once you do this, however, sex should be a regular and thrilling part of your marriage. Whenever you find your thoughts flirting with the form of a forbidden woman, pray for grace to desire the physical body of your wife. Think about her and how she looks. Think about what she does that makes you happy. Then pursue her in a winsome and servant-hearted way. Be willing to consider conversations with her about how to have sex become a more regular part of your relationship if it’s not.

  What If You Are Single?

  Many of you are single and have legitimate questions about how the teachings in this chapter can be of any use for you. I want to share two ways that a consideration of marriage can be helpful for singles battling porn.

  First, Proverbs 5 commends marriage, not only to married couples, but also to single individuals. Marriage is wonderful for many reasons, not least because it is the only acceptable environment for sexual intimacy. For this reason, the apostle Paul tells single people that if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, “for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). Paul does not mean that marriage is the cure for lust. It isn’t. He means that marriage is the only legitimate relationship for those with appropriate sexual desires. If you are experiencing God-given sexual desires, a consideration of Proverbs 5 should encourage you to pursue marriage to a godly woman in a wise and careful way. Consider whether being married is truly a priority in your life. Are you putting career goals or other pursuits ahead of a God-given calling to pursue a wife and raise a family? It may be time to reorient your priorities and pursue marriage.

  Second, some of you may never marry or you may be so far from it right now that it is not a helpful strategy to encourage you toward it. If that’s where you’re at, then the Bible has even better news for you! In Ephesians 5, Paul explains the nature and purpose of marriage. Toward the end of his teaching he boils down everything he’s written with a summary statement: “I am talking about Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32). In other words, everything the Bible says about marriage is not ultimately about marriage at all. God made marriage to point people to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Husbands and wives exist to reflect the saving purposes of Christ for his bride, the church. Marriage is an arrow that points to the reality of Christ’s love for the church. Marriage is a shadow whose substance is the saving purpose of Jesus.

  This means that though you have legitimate, God-given sexual desires, you do not need marriage in any essential way. Marriage is wonderful, and it’s important. But the primary reason God created marriage is to picture for us the gospel of Jesus. If you see and grasp the target, you don’t need the arrow. If you have the substance, you don’t need the shadow.

  God created marriage to give the world a glimpse of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Husbands are supposed to love and be devoted to their wives so that people can see the love of Jesus. If you don’t have a wife, you are freed up to pour your attention and energy exclusively into Christ and his church in much the way a married man should attend to his wife. You’re empowered to be devoted to the substance without being distracted by the shadow. You can devote all of your strength to the expansion of Christ’s kingdom as you await his marriage supper (Revelation 19:6–9).

  Accountability in Marriage?

  One final note on fighting for purity in your marriage: You may have noticed that this chapter didn’t address the topic of having your wife be an accountability partner. That’s intentional. I don’t think your wife should fill that role. You should treat your wife as your wife. She should be free to treat you as her husband. It is a deadly poison
for a marriage when a wife becomes a cop policing her husband’s activity, asking him all kinds of questions, and examining his Internet reports. Your wife needs to know you have a faithful accountability partner doing those things so she can have peace of mind as she focuses her energy on being married to you. That’s why the focus of this chapter is on laying hold of purity by pursuing your wife as your best friend and lover.

  Whether you’re married or not, the key principle has to do with directing your mental and physical energies away from porn and toward the purity of marriage and the Savior to whom marriage points. This is hard work. It’s more difficult than just putting a filter on your computer. The reason it’s so hard is that nobody can ever be certain if you’re doing it or not. But remember that Jesus knows. He sees the heart, the motives, the truth behind your actions. And he calls you to trust him and to lay hold of his forgiving and transforming grace that alone can equip you to achieve victory in this area.

  Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace

  1. How have you been guilty of being drawn to the temptations of the forbidden woman in Proverbs 5? In what ways have you refused to believe what the Bible says about how dangerous she is? Confess these sins to the Lord and be drawn to believe in his forgiving grace.

  2. If you’re married, consider where you need God’s transforming grace to desire your wife. If you’re single, consider where you need that same grace to serve Christ wholeheartedly and to reflect on the gospel that saves you. Pray and ask God to give you his powerful transforming grace to empower you to be different in this way.