Finally Free
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4. Confess Your Sins
Your husband is responsible for his sin of looking at pornography. You are not to blame for your husband’s sexual immorality. There is nothing you can do and nothing in the way you look that can force your husband to sin sexually since immorality comes from within his heart and not because of outward circumstances. It’s really important for you to know, however, that this is a sword that cuts both ways. You are not to blame for your husband’s sin, but neither is he responsible for yours.
In the aftermath of the disclosure of a serious sin like pornography, many women focus almost entirely on their husband’s sin and forget that they are sinners too. You must work against this tendency by humbly considering your own sin, and not just your husband’s. Have you responded with sinful emotions to your husband’s sin? Have you failed to forgive him? Did you fail to have an active sexual relationship with him before you knew about his problem? There is no expectation of immediate sexual restoration after you discovered his sin, but have you been guilty of withholding sexual affection for a prolonged period of time after he has sought forgiveness? You will never be at fault for your husband’s sin, but it is possible that you need to seek forgiveness for your own sin in these and other areas.
5. Be a Wife, Not a Cop
Chad and Stephanie began to take the journey toward restoration as a couple. Chad was repenting of his unthankful heart and growing in gratitude for Stephanie and in his integrity with God, his wife, and other people. His progress was not without problems, but he was changing. Stephanie was learning to forgive Chad for his failures and to seek forgiveness for her own sins. As they grew together, Stephanie was having a tough time trusting Chad. After the years of being in the dark regarding such a serious sin, Stephanie was determined not to get burned again. She became vigilant, always looking over Chad’s shoulder. She insisted on receiving the reports from his accountability software, constantly checked the browser history on his phone, and asked skeptical questions about women at his work. On one occasion she was unjustly suspicious that he was looking at pornography at work and insisted that he take a lie detector test to disprove her doubts.
Most people understand Stephanie’s struggle to trust her husband after his sinful abuse of confidence, but her response was doing more damage to their marriage. She never intended to make things more difficult. She was trying to deal with the problem in the only way she knew how. In spite of this motivation, there were two main problems with Stephanie’s response.
First, Stephanie’s efforts will never lead to a more trusting relationship with her husband. Stephanie’s constant investigations of Chad weren’t helping her learn to trust her husband; rather, they were helping her learn to trust in her ability to keep tabs on him. If you only believe your husband after seeing accountability reports and the results of lie detector tests, then you’re not trusting your husband. Instead, you’re trusting the reports and results.
Second, Stephanie was focusing on the wrong job. Chad did need accountability. He needed software that blocked porn on his computer. He needed a wise Christian mentor to ask him hard questions about his actions and desires. He needed all of these things and more, but she couldn’t be the one to give them.
So it is for you too. You need to focus on being your husband’s wife, not a cop enforcing purity in his life. You need to know and trust the person who is helping him, and you need to be confident about the accountability measures that are in place in his life. You need to be aware that he is seriously pursuing Christ, and you need to have access to speak with him and the person helping him when you have concerns. If you try to lead the accountability effort in his life, however, I promise it will have a corrosive effect on your marriage. Focus on being married to your husband. Pray for grace to draw near to him and pursue closeness relationally, spiritually, physically, and in every other way. Allow others to focus on enforcement.
In the early days, try running questions and concerns by the person helping you before you go to your husband with them. This person can help you evaluate how pressing your concerns are and whether they’re wise. For example, many women want specific details about the pornography their husbands were viewing. These kinds of details aren’t good to know. Though you may think it will be helpful, knowing them will only make reconciliation harder than it already is. Seek out wisdom from others on this and other matters.
Moving Forward with Mercy and Grace
As you move toward restoration there will be many steps on the journey. Don’t forget that Jesus gives you his mercy and grace in your time of need as you draw near to him. Jesus loves you, and he will help you. Women sometimes struggle because they focus on their husband and wrongly believe that what they need above everything else is a husband who does not look at pornography. It is certainly a wonderful blessing to have a husband who doesn’t look at porn, but that is not the most important thing in your marriage. What you ultimately need more than anything else is the mercy and grace that come from Jesus. Jesus’ mercy and grace is yours by trusting in him—whether or not you have a husband who looks at porn.
When you have, by faith, this mercy and grace, you will be empowered to reach out for help, to respond with righteous emotions, to move toward your husband in forgiveness, to deal with your own sin, and to trust, not only your husband, but, more importantly, the Lord, who promises that his goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life. This promise is true, and it is yours, regardless of whether or not your husband ever looks at pornography again. Because Jesus has made this promise to you, you can be set free by his mercy and grace to love your husband in spite of his sin. When you do this, you will be loving your husband in the same way Jesus loves you.
Acknowledgments
This book has been in the works for years. From the beginning of my pastoral ministry, I’ve been counseling young men who have been caught in the struggle with pornography. I’ve been preaching on this topic in churches, lecturing on it in classes, and teaching about it at conferences. What I have written here has been simmering for years in the cauldron of church ministry.
The process of writing down my thoughts has been an effort I have not undertaken alone. I have several people to thank.
I am grateful to Al Mohler, Russell Moore, and Dan DeWitt. I serve under these godly men at Southern Seminary and Boyce College and am thankful for their Christian conviction, faithful leadership, and encouragement to pursue writing projects like this one.
I am also thankful for the elders at Crossing Church where I have been privileged to serve as the pastor of biblical living. These gracious, wise, and humble men are faithful colaborers in the kingdom of Christ. It has been a great encouragement to count on their prayers throughout this project.
I must express appreciation for the team at Zondervan. I am so thankful for their support of this project and for the shared commitment to making this book be as good as it can possibly be. Ryan Pazdur, in particular, has become a trusted adviser and faithful friend for whom I am profoundly grateful.
Three people provided helpful comments as I was writing. My research assistant Sean Perron, my assistant Amber Walsh, and fellow pastor Dave Northrup all shared valuable insights that improved the quality and clarity of my work here.
Gunner Gundersen served as my editorial assistant on this book. Gunner is a faithful servant of Christ, and he was invaluable to me on this project. He pored over each chapter and made meticulous edits. Even when I didn’t adopt his recommendations, he always helped me see my writing from a fresh vantage point and greatly improved this book.
I also must express how grateful I am for my wife, Lauren, and my three children, Carson, Chloe, and Connor. Lauren is the most supportive wife in the world. She has prayed for me, encouraged me, provided feedback, and taken care of me during the writing process. My children were also an encouragement. Almost every day they would ask about “Daddy’s book” and tell me they were praying for me. The great honor of my life is to come home eve
ry day to my four favorite people in the world.
Finally, I must give praise and glory to God. While writing this book, I have truly experienced the kindness of God in his provision for me. Working on each chapter has reminded me of the amazing God we serve, who is abounding in grace. My prayer is that you encounter his grace in the pages of this book.
Heath Lambert, Louisville, Kentucky
July 2012
About the Author
DR. HEATH LAMBERT is the executive director of the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors (NANC). He also serves as the associate professor of Biblical Counseling at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and their undergraduate institution Boyce College where he is the associate dean of applied studies and the chairman of the department of biblical counseling. He is the author of The Biblical Counseling Movement After Adams (Crossway, 2011), and co-editor (with Stuart Scott) of Counseling the Hard Cases: True Stories Illustrating the Sufficiency of God’s Resources in Scripture (B&H, 2013). He is married to Lauren, and is the father of Carson, Chloe, and Connor.
Praise for Finally Free
Finally Free is not the typical man-centered self-help book that offers the reader shallow teachings and a hopeless future. Instead, Heath Lambert systematically builds his case for freedom on the tried-and-true solutions provided by God’s Word. From the opening pages until the final chapter, he persistently points the reader to Jesus Christ as the person’s Deliverer and Solution. I highly recommend this book.
Steve Gallagher, founder of Pure Life Ministries and author of At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry
Heath Lambert writes from his heart of love for God and love for others. The Scriptures he includes are alive and powerful. His applications are insightful and practical. Finally Free is exceptionally well written and clear. I highly recommend this book to anyone struggling with pornography. There is truly hope, grace, and mercy to be finally free.
Martha Peace, biblical counselor and author of The Excellent Wife
Finally, a book to help people struggling with pornography that isn’t focused on pornography! What we need is forgiving, empowering, and transforming grace, which Heath Lambert invites strugglers to experience by embracing Christ and following him in these grace-empowered biblical strategies.
Mike Wilkerson, director of biblical counseling at Mars Hill Church, Seattle, Washington
Heath Lambert has biblically and practically addressed two devastating problems: pornography and our ineffective response to it within the church. His wise counsel is biblical because it begins and ends with God’s grace, and it is practical because it provides clear direction on how to receive and grow in that grace. Finally Free is not just for individuals struggling with porn; it is for everyone seeking to follow Jesus and lead others to him in the twenty-first century.
Noel Bouché, president of Pure Hope Ministries
Finally Free offers gospel wisdom that will rush over the sin of lust like a mighty wave. Easy to read, presented in a winsome pastoral spirit, it balances grace and effort with expert precision. The theological message presented in these pages will not only overcome even the strongest pornography addiction; it will also seep into our entire spiritual life, renewing and invigorating us, turning victims into conquerors and captives into liberators.
Owen Strachan, executive director of the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood
I’ve read just about every Christian book on the topic of pornography. Finally Free is now the number-one book I’ll recommend to pastors, counselors, strugglers, and those who love them.
Bob Kellemen, PhD, executive director of the Biblical Counseling Coalition and author of Sexual Abuse: Beauty for Ashes
Countless people have fallen prey to the easy access of online pornography—even Christians. Heath Lambert speaks a prophetic word into this crisis and offers a gospel way out of addiction to pornography.
I cannot think of a more timely or relevant book. It is for anyone who wants to know how to be finally free from this pervasive and deadly sin.
Denny Burk, associate professor of biblical studies at Boyce College
More than an exposé of the insidious power of pornography, Finally Free is a declaration of the amazing grace that frees us from this power. Heath Lambert offers a biblical, practical guide to the process God uses to bring about this freedom in our lives, all the while reminding us that grace is at the center of every strategy in the process.
Daniel Montgomery, founder and lead pastor of Sojourn Community Church, Louisville, Kentucky
Finally Free provides biblical and wise discussions that offer specific, practical steps toward liberation from the clutches of pornography. Ultimately, the gospel of Jesus Christ is what sets us free here, as it does in every area, and Health Lambert lays out the joyous pathway to experience the gospel’s true and lasting freedom.
Bruce Ware, professor of Christian theology, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary
ZONDERVAN
Finally Free
Copyright © 2013 by Heath B. Lambert
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan e-books.
EPub Edition © JUNE 2013 ISBN: 9780310499244
Requests for information should be addressed to:
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Lambert, Heath, 1979–
Finally free : fighting for purity with the power of grace / Heath Lambert.
p. cm.
ISBN 978–0–310–49923–7 (pbk.)
1. Pornography—Religious aspects—Christianity. 2. Liberty—Religious—
Christianity. 3. Grace (Theology). I. Title.BV4597.6.L36 2013
241’.667—dc23
2012048818
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
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