The Fearless Five

by Bannie McPartlin

  ‘How do I alert you if someone is coming? Mind-melding?’ Walker asked.

  He had a point.

  ‘What about our walkie-talkies?’ Johnny J said.

  ‘Perfect.’

  ‘Walkie-talkies?’ Walker said. ‘I love walkie-talkies.’

  ‘Great,’ I said, and things seemed to be looking up.

  Sumo didn’t say much except for, ‘I smell wee,’ and then he warned us never, ever to tell anyone that he’d plunged his head into a public poo sixteen times in a row. We swore we wouldn’t, but we lied. Eventually we told everyone.

  Johnny J and I walked Sumo home. It felt like the least we could do under the circumstances.

  ‘Thanks, Sumo,’ Johnny J said at Sumo’s front door.

  Sumo hugged Johnny J, almost crushing him. ‘Any time,’ he said, even though he definitely didn’t mean it.

  Charlie was sitting on Johnny J’s wall when we walked up the path.

  ‘I thought you’d gone home?’ She just wouldn’t go away!

  ‘Me ma is in there,’ she said.

  ‘Oh,’ I said.

  Johnny J sat on the wall beside her. I just stood there.

  ‘She ate this morning,’ he said. He was talking about his mother.

  ‘That’s a good thing,’ she said.

  ‘Yeah.’

  I felt awkward, like I shouldn’t be there, but Johnny J was my best friend, not hers.

  ‘I should get home,’ I said, but neither of them heard me because she was busy whispering in his ear. Stupid, rude, silly girl.

  ‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ I said, and I walked away, leaving Johnny J on his wall talking to Charlie about the things they talked about when I wasn’t around. She never talked to me like that, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to talk to her at all.

  That night I lay in bed listening to Rich singing through the wall and worrying about the robbery. We only had two days to wait. After that, I told myself, it would all be over. Of course, in reality, the robbery was only the beginning.

  11

  The Bribe

  It was the day before the robbery and I woke up to my mam shouting the same thing she shouted every morning.

  ‘JEREMY! RICH! JEREMY! RICH! UP, UP, UP!’

  I’d always be awake and ready to move, but my brother snored through her pitchy hollering every time. The world could cave in on itself and Rich would go down snoring. I jumped out of the bed and stretched.fn1

  I was mid-stretch when Rich bounded into my room. I was surprised to see him because usually I was halfway through my breakfast before Mam led him into the kitchen by his ear. He plonked himself down on my freshly made bed. Rich sitting on my bed irritated me, and he knew it; that’s why he did it. He rubbed his butt cheeks into my sheets.

  ‘Numbnutbutt.’

  ‘What do you want, Rich?’ I said, and I really wasn’t in the mood. I had a lot on my mind.

  ‘You need to cut your hair,’ he said. ‘It looks girly and stupid.’

  I grabbed my band and put my hair in a knot and tied it. Then I shoved my favourite pen and pencil into the knot.

  ‘You look like a piece of Lego,’ I said. ‘A boring, brown-vested Lego man.’ Rich’s hair was short and his head was a little bit square. He really did look like a stumpy, grumpy little Lego man.

  ‘Shut up,’ he said.

  I could see I’d hit a nerve. Nice. That made me happy. Now get off my bed.

  ‘So the good news is I’ve got us a gig.’

  ‘When?’ I said. If it was any time after the following night, we were safe.

  ‘Mam asked Mr Cornally if he’d let us play in the pub after the match, so you better get asking because we need to get practising.’

  I think I made a noise. I heard a groan. It was coming from my direction. My head suddenly ached and my stomach tightened! TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!

  ‘Cornally’s going all out. He’s even bought a chip fryer! He’s giving out free chips and sausages during the games. Cornally’s is the place to be, Jeremy. Tell Johnny J it’s going to be a packed house.’

  I couldn’t speak. I wanted to. I wanted to shout, ‘NO. NOT HAPPENING. NEVER.’ But I couldn’t risk it.

  ‘It’s too soon,’ I said, and I sounded hoarse.

  ‘Well, he better get over here then and practise,’ he said.

  We were supposed to be scoping out the garage and practising robbing Jim Roland’s granny.

  ‘Johnny J’s mam’s sick,’ I reminded him, hoping to appeal to his softer side.

  He thought about that for a minute. ‘We all have our problems,’ he said. ‘He’s in the band for one gig or you’re in deep trouble with Mam. You decide.’

  Rich strutted out of the room. It was a bad start to the day.

  It was raining. When it rained we met in the den.

  Charlie was there. I realised I’d have to accept the fact that she was part of our group now. It was hard. Stupid change.fn2 She was sitting in my seat. Annoying. The sofa fit three, well, two and a half: Johnny J on the left, Walker in the middle and me on the right. Sumo had his own beanbag. It was the largest beanbag I’d ever seen. His mam had it made especially for him. He always had trouble getting out of it but he giggled to himself as though he enjoyed the challenge.

  I looked around and there were no other seats. Walker threw me a cushion from behind his back and I sat on that.

  ‘Are we practising this robbery or not?’ he said.

  ‘We are. Johnny J’s not,’ I said.

  ‘What?’ Johnny J said.

  ‘Rich knows we were in Rachel’s room. He’s threatening to tell Mam. If he does, I’m grounded. If I’m grounded, we can’t rob Rolands’.’

  ‘What does that have to do with me not practising?’ he said.

  ‘Rich wants you to gig with them in Cornally’s after the match tomorrow night,’ I said, and as I was talking my voice screeched a little.

  Walker laughed. ‘They’re spacers.’

  ‘I’m not doing it,’ Johnny J said.

  ‘You have to,’ I said.

  ‘No way,’ he said.

  ‘You have to,’ Charlie said.

  He looked at her and shook his head and sighed. I couldn’t believe she was agreeing with me and he seemed to be listening to her.

  ‘You need to practise with them today and tomorrow.’

  ‘I’m robbing Rolands’ tomorrow,’ he said.

  ‘They’ll stop to watch the match like everyone else in the country,’ I said.

  ‘Except us,’ Sumo said. He sounded sad. It was sad.

  ‘Except us,’ I agreed.

  Johnny J stood up. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘But I’m never, ever singing with them again.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ I said.

  He left. I took his place on the sofa.

  ‘What now?’ Charlie said.

  ‘Charlie, you pretend to be Jim Roland’s granny.’

  ‘Why? Because I’m a girl?’

  ‘No,’ I said. Yes.

  ‘You be Jim Roland’s granny,’ she argued.

  ‘I can’t be Jim Roland’s granny – I’m getting the cash from the till,’ I said.

  ‘Well, I’m getting the cash from the back room.’ She had a point. I stood up and handed Sumo one of his comics, rolled up.

  ‘What’s that for?’ he said.

  ‘Pretend it’s the spray and stand by the door.’

  ‘I’m not using the spray.’

  ‘I know. Just hold this and stand by the door.’

  He stood by the door.

  I looked at Walker. ‘You’ll have to be the granny.’

  ‘I’m the lookout,’ he said.

  ‘Yeah, well, you’ll have to be the lookout as well.’

  ‘Can’t do both.’

  ‘We’re pretending, so pretend to do both.’

  He reluctantly agreed.

  This is it, I thought. We’re practising a robbery. I fought the urge to cry. Instead I gulped and got on with it.

  12

&n
bsp; The Runs

  What followed was two hours of practising/rehearsing/playing/messing and time-wasting. Sumo fought off make-believe old men/young men/kids/women with prams/aliens/ogres and even a knight. He always shouted to them that he had pepper spray, but in none of the scenarios where he was forced to fight did he even pretend to spray the can. Walker decided that Jim Roland’s granny was a pincher. When I tried to tie him up, he pinched me really hard and told me I was a cheeky pup in a croaky old voice. After that she was a kick-boxer, a stuntwoman and a ninja. It was really annoying. He made it impossible to tie him up with all his jumping around. We fought about it.

  ‘Take it seriously!’ I shouted.

  ‘I am taking it seriously. I’m supposed to make it difficult,’ he said.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘but not impossible. She’s an old woman – there’s no way she can do the Karate Kid kick!’

  Charlie picked up a book and threw it at Walker’s head.

  ‘Ouch!’ he screamed, rubbing his head.

  ‘Next time I’ll knock your block off,’ she said to him before turning to me. ‘Now practise tying him up. You have to secure him without hurting him. She’s an old woman after all.’

  I nodded. It annoyed me that she was so bossy, but I was also kind of impressed. She went back to practising opening her dad’s locked box. It was similar to the one in the back of Rolands’. She opened it, poured the money into a bag, ran to the door. She kept doing it over and over again. It was weird to watch. She seemed happy when she did it in less than ten seconds.

  ‘Don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ll be in and out,’ she said.

  We split up at six. I walked up my road and saw Johnny J leaving my house with his guitar slung on his shoulder. I ran to catch up to him.

  ‘How did it go?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ he said.

  ‘OK.’

  ‘You?’

  ‘Well, if we get chased by aliens or Jim Roland’s granny turns out to be a ninja it won’t be a problem,’ I said.

  ‘Should I be worried?’ he said.

  ‘Nah.’ He should be. I was. My stomach started to gurgle loudly. We both ignored it. ‘We’re going to meet in the forest after dinner, on our bikes, to cycle to Rolands’ and back and time it.’

  ‘Good idea. I’ll be there.’

  Rich had asked Johnny J to rehearse again after dinner, but Johnny J told him to stuff it, and as he had nothing to bribe Johnny J with, he smiled and told him he’d see him tomorrow morning. Poor Johnny J.

  ‘Are they still as bad?’ I asked when we got to his door.

  He just shook his head sadly.

  ‘See you later,’ I said, and I ran home because I suddenly felt an intense need to go to the loo again! Oh no! I ran with my legs closed, knees together and my bum pinched tight.

  ‘You all right, son?’ my dad asked as I pushed past him in the hallway and held the seat of my pants as I ran upstairs.

  ‘No,’ I shouted. I tried to open the toilet door. It was locked.fn1

  ‘Noooooooooooo!’ I screamed. ‘Get out, get out, get out!!!’ I banged on the door with both my fists.

  I could hear Rich laughing from inside the bathroom.

  ‘Guts at you again, Jeremy?’ he sang out sweetly as I banged and screamed and cried a little as I felt the red-hot lava fall into my pants and dribble down my leg.

  ‘You better get up there, Debbie,’ my dad shouted. ‘Jeremy’s destroying himself again.’

  My mam was up the stairs like a bullet. ‘Get out of the bathroom right this second,’ she screamed at Rich. He opened the door, smiling. I stumbled in, pulling at my trousers. My mam stood outside while my insides fell into the toilet. The smell was horrendous. Trying to take my jeans off without getting poo on my legs was horrific. I was crying loudly by the time I was showering it off. All the while my mam was outside the door saying things like, ‘OK, son, you’re all right now, Mammy’s here. No panic.’ At one point she sang ‘You’ve got a friend’, which was her favourite song to sing at parties. When I appeared in the doorway, she took one look at me.

  ‘You’re very pale.’ She felt my forehead. ‘You don’t have a temperature.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I mumbled, conscious that my dirty jeans and pants were in the bath. I tried to wash them but I kept gagging.

  ‘Are you stressed?’ she said, and I couldn’t admit to that because if I did she’d ask me why I was stressed and I’d crack and tell her everything.

  ‘No. I think I ate something bad at Sumo’s,’ I said.

  ‘Not that Spam rubbish?’ she said.

  ‘Yeah, Spam,’ I lied.

  ‘Oh God!’ she said. ‘Go to bed. I’ll open a bottle of 7Up.’

  ‘Ah no, I’m grand,’ I lied, genuinely fearing my own death. The stuff that came out of me!!!!

  ‘You are not grand,’ she said, marching me to my bedroom. ‘But don’t you worry – everything will be fine. Some flat 7Up will sort you right out by morning.’ In case of emergency, my mother always kept an open bottle of flat 7Up in the fridge.fn2

  I couldn’t go to bed and drink flat 7Up all night. I had to meet the lads in the forest and time a test route to Rolands’ Garage, but my mam had me in my pyjamas before I could argue and tucked up in bed sipping flat 7Up. Escaping from my room would be as hard as escaping any jail in any country in the world. It was a disaster!

  13

  The Escape

  The hall phone rang. Mam shouted from the kitchen for Rich or my dad to answer it, but they were stuck to the sofa, shouting at the telly, and it kept ringing and ringing. Eventually she answered it.

  ‘Hello, the Finn household, who’s speaking, please?fn1

  ‘Ah there you are, love.’ I could tell it was Rachel on the phone as soon as my mam picked up. ‘How’s nursing? … Oh good. How’s the lovely boy you’re with? … I know his name is Rupert, Rachel … I do know it. Dear God, I didn’t know it was a test!’

  My mam and Rachel had a very odd relationship. They totally idolised and annoyed each other in equal measure.

  This went on for a while, my mam asking my sister about what she was doing, where she was going, if she was remembering to wear her coat even though it was June.

  I lay in bed listening to every word spoken, because back then the walls were paper-thin and my mam had a voice that travelled. I was in a panic, trying to figure out how to escape, but my mam’s loud voice kept interrupting my thoughts. Then she mentioned Mrs Tulsi and my heart started to race.

  ‘Oh, Rachel, love. She’s not good. She’s not good at all.’ Then she was crying again, big loud sobs. ‘They say she’ll be lucky if she lasts the summer. Ted’s devastated. He doesn’t know what to do. And that sister of hers, well, you know what she’s like. She’s on her way over.’

  There it was – the worst news I’d ever heard in my entire life. All of a sudden I had a pounding headache and my hands were sweating. Oh no, oh no, oh no. I wanted to headbutt a wall, stamp my feet, shout, shake, jump up and down. I wanted to run, punch, kick, scream. Instead I crawled into my bed and under the covers and had a little cry until my mam hung up the phone.

  After I’d wiped away my tears I focused on the task at hand. I needed to make my escape and fast. It was still bright and sunny, so my mam had closed the curtains to allow me to sleep. I grabbed my old Mickey Mouse watch. It was just after 7 p.m. I had less than thirty minutes to escape my house and run to the forest. The forest was twenty minutes by bike, and my bike was in the back garden and impossible to get to unseen. I really didn’t know how long it would take to run it. I’d never done it before. My guts screamed, my head ached and my eyes burned, but I was determined.

  I fixed the pillows to look like the shape of a human boy under the covers, then I peeped outside my bedroom door. The area was clear, so I tiptoed into the hallway. I was halfway down the hall when I heard the toilet flush, so I shuffled backwards to my room, closed the door quietly and leaned against it, liste
ning for the toilet door to open and close. My dad whistled as he left the loo and then burst into a sea shanty halfway down the stairs. I waited until I couldn’t hear him any more and then I ventured out of my room once again. I looked left and right. It was clear. The bathroom door was open, so no surprises would come from there. Rich was caterwauling in the garage and Rachel was miles away in nursing school, so that only left my mam. I wasn’t sure where she was. My heart raced as I crept down the stairs. The sitting-room door was closed. I could hear Johnny Giles on the telly. He was talking about the England–Netherlands game and my dad was laughing.

  ‘You’re right, Johnny. God Almighty, never a truer word spoken,’ my dad shouted to the TV. The kitchen door was open and I could hear my mam pottering around in there from my position (I’d pretty much painted myself against the wall) on the stairs. The kitchen was at the end of the hall, which meant with the door open my mam had a direct line of sight. Blood pulsed through my veins at an alarming rate.

  As soon as I heard the kettle go on I knew I needed to make a run for it. She’d have her back to the door if she was making tea. I grabbed my jacket and I opened the door ever so slowly and carefully and I inched around it and closed it ever so quietly. I felt the fresh air hit my face and tasted freedom and I ran as fast as my feet could carry me.

  The boys and Charlie were sitting around the picnic table, waiting for me. It was 7.40 p.m. when I got there. I’d run all the way.

  ‘What took you so long?’ Walker said, and he was annoyed.

  ‘Sorry, I had to escape, Mam put me to bed, it’s a long story,’ I said in between wheezes and holding my stomach tight so whatever was left in it wouldn’t try to escape.

  ‘You don’t look well,’ Charlie said.

  ‘Yeah, well, I’ve just run a marathon,’ I said. ‘I’d like to see how you’d look.’

  ‘Easy,’ she said. Now I was annoyed.

  Sumo sat on the ground eating a Spam sandwich. The smell of it made me queasy. Keep it together, Jeremy.

  ‘Where’s your bike?’ Johnny J asked.