Monster Hunter Legion

by Larry Correia

  The vanilla spigot had broken off, and soft serve came spooling out. “Got no problem with you,” the giant said through gritted teeth. “Just him. Get out of my way.”

  “You mess with MHI, you mess with all of us!”

  The giant cocked his misshapen head to one side. “What? MHI?”

  Nate tried to punch him, and though he was fast and relatively skilled, the giant was simply out of his league. He effortlessly slapped Nate’s hands aside, grabbed my brother-in-law’s tie to hold him in place, then slugged him. One, two, three solid hits before Nate’s brain had even recorded the first impact. Nate went down, out cold.

  That really pissed me off, and I came off the floor, ready to kick some ass.

  Hotel security guards were pushing their way inside. Since the restaurant rotated on a platform, the whole place was shaking badly under the stampede. The other ice sculpture fell and broke, and somehow somebody had managed to throw something hard enough to break one of the chandeliers. There was some screaming as Green got pepper-sprayed, and more screaming as Lee shoved a rival Hunter into the chocolate fountain.

  One of the PT men got in my way and I dismantled him. I didn’t have time to dick around with these chumps when there was a real enemy to fight. I stepped into the clumsy swing and drove my forearm and all my mass into him so hard that he went spiraling over a table. Another of the black polo-shirted Hunters had gotten between us, so the giant simply picked him up and tossed him over the sushi bar, not even bothering to slow his pace. We met in the middle and proceeded to beat the crap out of each other.

  He was fast for a big man, and so was I, but he had a reach advantage, so I had to keep moving to stay ahead of him. I wasn’t used to being the smaller and lighter fighter. We locked up on each other as we hit the far end of the buffet, both of us throwing knees and elbows. Between the two of us we probably weighed close to seven hundred pounds, and the furniture broke around us like someone had turned loose a herd of enraged wildebeests. I didn’t realize we’d gone too far until my shoulder hit the cold glass of the restaurant’s bubble. The glass cracked.

  I caught my boot against the railing, heaved the giant back, and managed to hit him with a staggering overhand right. That slowed him down.

  “Lacoco! Stop! Z! Owen! What the heck? Quit hitting that Newbie!” Milo was running our way, just ahead of a bunch of casino security and a Las Vegas police officer. “You’re on the same team!”

  The giant must not have heard Milo’s words, because he bellowed, launched himself into me, caught me around the waist, and we hit the interior window. The glass shattered around us and then we were falling, briefly. We hit water, but it wasn’t particularly deep, because right after the water came tile. And the tile was very hard.

  Groaning, I lay there, flat on my back in half a foot of water, covered in sparkling shards, the wind knocked out of me, staring up at the hole in the buffet’s glass wall one story above, as cold water from a dragon-headed fountain spit on us. The giant was on his side next to me. He had a few nasty cuts on his face and arms from the glass. I probably didn’t look much better. I realized then that his not-quite-in-the-same-direction eye was fake, because it had popped out and was sitting at the bottom of the pool between us.

  A huge crowd of gamblers and shoppers were standing there, gaping at us. Many of them started taking pictures.

  At least the fall had finally knocked the fight out of him. The giant looked over at the MHI Happy Face on my tattered shirt with his good eye and groaned.

  “Jason Lacoco?” I gasped.

  “Uh-huh . . .”

  “Owen Zastava Pitt.” I coughed. “Nice to meet you. Welcome to Monster Hunter International.”

  Then several police officers converged on the fountain to arrest us.

  CHAPTER 2

  “This sucks,” Trip said as he studied the cement floor of our cell. I had lost count of how many times he’d said that already.

  The two of us had been separated from the others not too long after getting our mug shots taken. I suppose it was good policy to not put too many members of the same rumble into the same cell afterwards. Sure, it was an ugly place that smelled like barf and was filled with losers, but it wasn’t that bad. “Come on, dude. Way nicer than the last jail I was in.” I slapped my bench. “See this? Not a single scorpion in sight.”

  “We’re not in Mexico, and your mother-in-law probably isn’t going to show up and murder all the guards, either.”

  True. All things considered, though, despite having just been in a fight, both of us were relatively unscathed. My abs hurt and Lacoco had clipped me a few times, and I had a terrible headache from landing in the fountain, but overall I was doing fine. “Just trying to keep things in perspective is all.”

  “You’re not helping.” Trip lowered his voice enough that the dregs of society we shared the holding area with wouldn’t overhear. He looked around nervously. “I’ve never been arrested before. I’ve never even got a speeding ticket! I’ve got a spotless record.”

  “Had,” I corrected. “Does it matter? All the goody-two-shoesness in the world didn’t keep the Feds from beating you like a piñata that one time anyway . . . And look on the bright side, now you’ll have way more street cred with the gnomes.”

  From what we could put together about the chaotic aftermath of the events at the Last Dragon Buffet, most of my dinner party had ended up in jail. A few had been taken directly to the hospital, but Trip said that he was pretty sure he saw Tanya escape through the kitchen. Elves were sneaky like that. Matters had been complicated when the responding officers discovered that almost all of us had been carrying at least a gun, and in some cases, two or more guns. The cop patting down Cooper had nearly had a coronary when he had found the first hand grenade.

  I couldn’t speak for Paranormal Tactical, but on our side the concealed weapons were perfectly legal, with all the paperwork done and fees paid. If a Hunter knew he was going to be somewhere, he was going to make sure he would be there armed, and the peculiar legalities of our career field allowed us quite a bit of leeway when it came to determining what exactly constituted armed.

  Despite the thirty-six handguns, thirty-two knives, four wooden stakes, three collapsible batons, two frags, a block of C4, Lee’s sword cane, and the piano-wire garrote collected by the Las Vegas PD, not a single weapon had been introduced into our brawl by either side, unless you counted the chair that somebody had whacked Shawn Haight over the head with. The good stuff was in case of monsters, not people . . . Though I felt sorry for any bozo who might decide to try to mug a Monster Hunter.

  A jailer stopped at our cell. “Jones and Pitt.” There was a buzzing noise, a loud click, and our cell door rattled open. “You’re free to go.”

  That was quick. We had only been here for a few hours and hadn’t even been questioned yet, let alone brought in front of a judge. “Really?” The assorted hoodlums, drug dealers, drunk drivers, and johns that were sharing our holding area looked at us with no small amount of jealousy. “Already?”

  “It’s your lucky day. This way.”

  * * *

  Earl Harbinger was in the waiting area. Hands shoved deep into the pockets of his leather jacket, which was what he did when he needed to keep his hands occupied because he was somewhere where he couldn’t smoke. I’d like to be able to say that he seemed relieved to see us, but on the contrary, my boss was rather perturbed.

  “Hey, Earl. Thanks for—”

  He cut me right off. “You have any idea how many favors I had to call in to keep anyone from pressing charges on you idiots?” The more annoyed Earl was, the more southern he sounded, and right about then, he sounded like he was ready to fry up some catfish and watch some NASCAR.

  I looked to Trip, who shrugged. “Lots?”

  “Lots? Funny, that’s the exact same word the casino’s lawyers told me when I asked how much the damages were going to be.”

  “That bad?”

  “Wait until you see the in
voice. It’s the size of a phone book.” Earl rolled his eyes. “I thought charging us for an ice sculpture that was gonna melt anyways was a bit of overkill. They’ve got nothing on the law though. MHI has done jobs for the city before. They still owed us for taking out one of the nastiest ever vampire infestations a few years back, so they didn’t bend us over too bad, but the next time Las Vegas needs our services, we’re basically working for free. You know how much that offends me in principle? Ruthless bargainers there. I’ve got Julie and Eddings working up the new contract now.”

  Eddings was our team leader in Las Vegas, and from what I had heard about him, he wasn’t going to like working pro bono. “I’m really sorry, Earl.”

  “And I was lucky to wiggle out that easy. I ever tell you how much I despise Nevada’s jackass senator? The minute he heard there were Hunters on the hook he came sniffing for a deal. Only time he’s worried about a budget is when it comes to screwing over Hunters. Cutthroat rat bastard. I think we dodged a bullet. Lucky for us the casino management is dead set on Ick-mip being a success, which would be tough with two dozen of the attendees in jail.”

  “I appreciate you getting us out.”

  Earl snorted. “I didn’t spring you out of the goodness of my heart, Z. Don’t think I did this because we’re related now, either. I figure, pretty as Julie is, she could find a replacement husband in a couple days. Week tops.”

  Sometimes it could be difficult to have the toughest Hunter of all time as your great-grandfather-in-law, but I had helped fight a demon inside his brain once, so we’d bonded. “I love you too, Earl.”

  “Smartass.” Earl looked toward the main hall. The rest of us were being brought out, and Earl nodded at VanZant when he arrived. “Hell, if I wasn’t so worried about maybe needing y’all on short notice and hamstringing a quarter of my teams, I would’ve been happy to let the system take its time, and we’d just post bail when they eventually got around to it. But I got word Paranormal Tactical was trying to cut their own deal, with my clients, and that I will not tolerate.”

  VanZant came over. “Admit it, old man. You’re just mad because we had a fistfight and nobody invited you. I seem to remember a time that me, you, and Sam remodeled a bar in Wyoming.”

  “First time I’d ever beaten a man with a taxidermied moose head.” Earl had known VanZant for a long time and finally cracked a smile. “All right, you got me there.” The two very experienced Hunters shook hands. “Where’s your boy? The one that, from what I heard, started this mess.” Green came around from behind his team lead, bruised, haggard, nauseous, and seeming rather deflated. “You, I ain’t done with . . . And you’d damn well better not throw up in the rental van.”

  Eventually, everyone that hadn’t been taken to the hospital was present. Holly had also managed to avoid being arrested, which wasn’t particularly shocking. “I think I chipped a tooth,” Lee complained as he felt around inside his mouth with his tongue. “Heh. Worth it, though.”

  “That was awesome when you put that guy into the chocolate fountain,” Trip told him. “Bet that burned.”

  “Not as awesome as when you body-slammed that one dude.” Lee and Trip fist bumped.

  Harbinger scowled and both of them shut up. “Not that I don’t like the idea of kicking all our competitor’s asses as a business model, but I don’t like the reality of it costing me so damn much. Y’all better start praying the zombie apocalypse starts soon, because you’re going to need that much PUFF money. The bill for this fiasco is coming out of your pay.” There was a collective groan at that. “Collect your crap and let’s get back to the hotel.”

  I waited until everyone else was heading for the sign-out desk. There was a big box of evidence weapons to be sorted through, and Green, having had the sense to leave his gun in his room after he’d raided the minibar, had been the only one of us unarmed. I motioned for my boss’s attention. “Hang on a second, Earl. We need to talk.”

  “This better be good news, because so far I ain’t happy about the less-than-illustrious start of this conference.”

  “We’ve got a problem with one of the Newbies.” I didn’t know all the details of what had happened in Michigan, and Earl had never wanted to elaborate much, but I knew that Jason Lacoco had been involved in that incident. Somehow he had gained Earl’s respect, and that was a tough thing to do.

  “Near as we can figure, the elf is still hiding somewhere in the casino. Tanya will come out when she thinks the coast is clear. Trailer park elves are sneaky like that.”

  “Not her. Lacoco. He started the fight. Not Green.”

  “He’s at the hospital.” Earl looked at me funny. “Needed stitches from opening a window with his face. How’d Jason start it?”

  “I didn’t know who he was, never knew his name, but . . .” I pointed at one of my eyes. “The glass one?” Then I jerked a thumb at my chest. “Yeah, that was from me, illegal fight that ended badly. Turns out he’s still holding a grudge.”

  “What? Why the hell—”

  “I didn’t know. It was a long time ago. When Lacoco saw me he lost it and tried to hit me. Green thought he was with the other guys, PT jumped in, and it just all went to hell from there.”

  “Damn it.” Earl rubbed his face in his hands. “That would’ve been mighty nice to know beforehand. I probably would’ve arranged an introduction that didn’t involve quite this much destruction. Well, now we’ve got one more example of why we really need to hire an HR person.”

  “That would be an interesting questionnaire. Check this box if there are any members of MHI in need of your vengeance.”

  “Jason’s a good man, Z. Solid.”

  “He’s a killer.”

  “And you ain’t?”

  Earl had me there. I hadn’t just killed monsters since I’d taken this job, though I hadn’t lost much sleep over the members of the Church of the Temporary Mortal Condition that had wound up on the wrong end of Abomination. “Lacoco’s served time.”

  “I’m aware. He also risked his life to save a town from an army of undead werewolves and had the balls to hit me with a fire ax. You’ll pay him the same amount of respect you would any other Hunter, and I’ll tell him to do the same to you. I won’t tolerate any unnecessary bullshit. Understood?”

  “No. I don’t,” I answered. Earl glared at me. He was the boss, and though I’d earned my place in our organization, it would be stupid to argue with him. “Okay fine, understood. Maybe if you’d said more I wouldn’t have got caught by surprise. When are you going to tell us the rest of the story about what happened in Michigan?”

  A dark look crossed his face. “Never.” He turned and walked away. “Let’s go.”

  * * *

  Despite the fact that we’d wrecked a chunk of the place only a few hours before, the Last Dragon staff welcomed us back with nervous smiles. Apparently their management had been satisfied enough by Julie’s contract to forget the whole thing ever happened. It’s amazing how fast things are forgiven when absurd sums of money and favors are exchanged. This must be what it is like to be one of those rock stars that destroys hotel rooms and drives cars into pools. Normally I could ask Mosh about that sort of lifestyle, but considering my brother’s current circumstances it would probably only make him angrier.

  I really should go see my brother while I’m in town . . .

  Before dropping us off, Earl had told me that he would speak to Lacoco once he got back from the hospital. Barely knowing the man, I didn’t know how that was going to go over. It wasn’t like I had any personal beef with Lacoco. What had happened before was stupid, and it was my fault, but it had been years ago. I’d only known the other fighter by reputation, and it was a bad enough rep that though I had felt awful for nearly killing the man, at least I had known that it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person. But Lacoco still held a grudge. He was lethal and mad at me, which was a terrible combo. Even if he promised Earl that he would play nice, we were in the kind of business where training
accidents happened. Lacoco had already gone to prison once, and whomever he’d killed the first time around hadn’t even smashed one of his eyeballs into jelly and cracked his skull open. I would do my best to avoid him, but I would have to watch my back as long as he was around.

  We were a motley bunch, ripped clothing, some black eyes, busted noses, split lips, and sour dispositions, and we were the ones that hadn’t needed medical attention. In the lobby, a few men in black suits watched us with thinly veiled hostility. The suits were too expensive for them to be MCB here for the conference, so that meant that the high-end hotel security had gotten the memo and were keeping a special eye on us. Dinner had been six hours ago, so we were all too exhausted to even make eye contact with well-dressed guards as we piled into the elevator to go back to our rooms. Security had to be hating life, especially since Cooper and Lee were still grumbling loudly about how the police had confiscated some of their explosives.

  The view out the crowded glass elevator was very nice, since the interior of the hotel was one gigantic open space for most of the interior. They were still painting and decorating the top floors. Despite being huge, the hotel itself was like a ghost town. The ICMHP attendees were the only people staying here. There were a few hundred guests, but that wasn’t much considering just how vast this place was. The new hotel’s staff was still learning on us. You might as well work out the bugs on people that were here for something top secret, who wouldn’t be allowed to give bad reviews afterward. We liked to think of ourselves as celebrity guests, but realistically we were probably more like test subjects.

  They had stuck most of MHI on the sixteenth floor. I was the last one off the elevator. The room I was sharing with Julie wasn’t too far down the hall. I said good night to the others and ran my key card through the machine. I was surprised that despite the very late hour, my room was packed with Hunters, most of whom laughed at me when I entered. A few of them took up a chant. “Rocky! Rocky!”

  Julie was there with the others. Julie was dressed for business, not the armored, hair tucked under a helmet so it wouldn’t blow in front of her scope, prescription goggles, sniper-rifle-wielding outfit; but the other, conservative, yet attractive business look, hair down, normal glasses, hot-librarian look that she used for schmoozing with officials and bureaucrats. Both of her modes made MHI lots of money, but tonight only one of them had helped get me out of jail. My lovely wife folded her arms and clucked disapprovingly. “See? You always overdo it at the buffet and then regret it later.”