Monster Hunter Legion

by Larry Correia

  The dragon turned, somehow not crashing any of its enormous body into any of the piled treasures. Now I could see that he had wings, but they were folded tight against his scaled back. The end of his tail whipped around the opposite end of the pillar, almost but not quite hitting a red supercar. It looked Italian. Too bad Mosh wasn’t here. He would’ve known what it was and probably had the courage to ask the dragon if he could take it for a spin. My mind was reeling, trying to recall everything I’d read in training. Management was obviously a western dragon. The four limbs, long neck, separate wings, and general dinosaurlike build made that obvious. That also meant he could probably breathe fire and fly, all of which were completely irrelevant factoids at this juncture. I wished fantasy-geek Trip was here. He would’ve flipped out.

  As Management moved, I realized for the first time that the stone pillar was absolutely covered in flat-screen TVs. There were hundreds of them, all on different channels. The dragon stopped. Once again, he was staring right at me. “Sell. Sell. Yes. Sell that too.”

  I looked around, then back at him, confused. “Sell what?”

  The dragon held up one swordlike fingernail and pointed at his ear, revealing a Bluetooth headset, miniscule against his huge ear hole. “Not you. Yes, you. Sell when it gets to forty dollars a share.” The dragon rolled his eyes. It was a very human expression for a giant lizard. “Do not question my wisdom, Stanley . . . Very well. Roll it over and purchase more Apple. Give my love to Mary. Goodbye . . . Now where were we?”

  It turned out that talking to a dragon multitasking with a hands-free phone was even more confusing than when it was a person. “Me?”

  “Yes, you. Keep up, Mr. Pitt.” The dragon snapped his huge fingers repeatedly at a volume close to gunfire. “Chop chop.”

  Then it struck me. Unless his broker was locked upstairs, he was communicating with the outside world. “Your phone works?”

  “Obviously. The MCB’s petty jammers mean nothing to me. I own forty-two percent of the company that manufactures their jamming equipment, not to mention redundant shielded cables. Information is power. And if they had thought that far ahead, I have copious backup systems. I must stay connected at all costs. Of all the many things I collect, information is the most important. Display security cameras.” The TVs were on a voice-activated system, and every screen changed to show the same views as Mitch’s office. “Information is the reason why I organized ICMHP to begin with.”

  “I don’t understand. Why—”

  “By your current human legal definitions, I am classified as a monster. The conference guests, by career choice, are primarily hunters of monsters. The remainder are the administrators of the hunting of monsters or the scholarly that debate the minutia of any poor creature that falls into the category that you so flippantly refer to as PUFF-applicable. It behooves me to keep abreast of trends in the industry that very well might someday attempt to murder me in my sleep, would you not agree?”

  “Sounds reasonable.”

  “Is there place for such reasonable creatures as I in such an unreasonable world as this?” Management’s laugh shook the entire cavern. The sudden exhalation of hot air caused a stack of bearer’s bonds to fly across the cave. I caught one, and for a split second owned a thousand shares of Ford. I put it back gently on the arm of the throne. “Of course, I have dealt with MHI before. I am fully aware of the character of your organization. Earl Harbinger has developed a reputation for integrity and honor in the monster community. Even foul and otherwise unlikable creatures have been ignored by MHI unless they are believed to be dangerous. You even spare gnomes.” The dragon got a wistful look in his eye. “Ahh, gnomes, you can’t eat just one . . . I believe you humans would say that they are like popcorn. But as I was saying, as long as I mind my own business, then I know I have nothing to fear from MHI. From the lowliest of humanoids to the spectral wendigo, MHI has demonstrated a willingness to put logic over profit . . . A concept that few of either of our species seem to grasp.”

  MHI took pride in being picky. There were far too many examples of creatures that had ended up on the PUFF table somehow, but weren’t really any sort of danger to mankind. Those, we left alone. However, if we believed their type or species to be a threat, then it was game on, and we’d cash that PUFF check with a smile and sleep like a baby. It was an understandable ethic from a company run by a werewolf. “Thanks.”

  “However, I do not know so much about your competitors, nor your federal overseers. They worry me. They strike me as a sort of modern knight, ready to destroy that which they have predetermined to be evil, without ever granting the barest thoughts to determining if that classification is just. Do you know many annoying chivalrous knights I have had to eat over the years? I do not enjoy eating knights. Steel does not digest so well.”

  I nodded slowly at the creature that could swallow me and the throne of Nebuchadnezzar in one bite.

  “Nor does chain mail. It sticks in the teeth. It has been centuries since I last ate a virgin, and that was purely by accident, I assure you. Human maidens taste about the same as anyone else, but old stereotypes die hard. I have changed with the times. I promise you that I am not coming to steal your maidens, and my shiny trinkets have been collected through honest labor and sound investment. MHI, being reasonable, would understand that I am no menace, and can be counted on to leave me in peace. The others, I am not so sure about. So you can see why it behooves me to pay attention to what Hunters are about. Thus was born the seed of the idea that would become the International Conference of Monster Hunting Professionals. A win-win, mutually beneficial situation for both of us. You are able to network and make valuable business connections, and for me, every conversation you Hunters have held has been recorded for my study, and dare I add, in some cases, amusement. How scandalous.”

  We had been used by a big lizard, but I wasn’t going to argue with him about it. “Why did you bring me here?”

  Management made a noise that had to be the dragon equivalent of a chuckle. It was about as loud as two dump trucks in a head-on collision. “I have been around for a very long time. Over the centuries I have seen humans come and go. I recognize your type. The various factions that constantly vie for control of this universe enjoy picking their champions. You are one such individual. Of course there are others like you here as well; however, you were the first one courageous enough to get into an elevator by himself since I decided it was time to make contact.”

  I had a sneaky feeling that courageous was a code word for foolish.

  “I am as concerned about today’s events as you are. This is, after all, my humble home that has been so crassly invaded by this dread Nachtmar. I would like to help repel this invader, and I trust that you are up to this challenge. I will attempt to assist you in defeating our common foe. All I ask in return is that you do not speak of my existence.”

  It wasn’t like I could disagree with the monster that could squish me like a bug in his own living room. “I can do that.”

  “There is no doubt that you can keep a secret, but as you can see, I have eyes everywhere. If you tell the world about me, I will find out. So I warn you first, Mr. Pitt . . .” Here comes the part where he threatens to eat me. “I will ask you to sign a non-disclosure agreement. If you reveal me, I can assure you that you will be hearing from my attorneys.”

  Okay, not what I expected. “Fair enough. How can I help?”

  “This invader is disrupting the cash flow of one of my most profitable endeavors, not to mention the MCB slandering the reputation of my establishment. Our grand opening is soon, and I do not want the word on every critic’s lips concerning the Last Dragon to be Ebola. I want this being destroyed.”

  “We’ve been working on it. If we don’t succeed, it’ll kill everyone here. That’s already a pretty darn good motivator.”

  “I would agree with this assessment. These are dark days indeed, my friend. The quarantine alone has already caused my stock to plummet. A thousand death
s would be a marketing disaster. Today’s activities have caused me grave concern. Display marked events.” Every TV changed simultaneously, all of them showing different angles of the Nachtmar’s various attacks. “I myself am nearly indestructible. However, I did not leverage my considerable wealth into building this marvelous palace only to see it burned down by do-gooder knights.”

  “Especially with us still inside. It sounds like we have compatible goals here. I’m okay with combining forces, Mr. Management.” And to think Earl had accused me of lacking diplomacy. “So do you have any idea of what this monster is?”

  “That I do not, young Mr. Pitt. The descriptor you have chosen for it seems apt enough, for it is a thing of nightmares. From listening to your conversations, I have come to a few conclusions that may differ from those of your learned fellows. From the evidence, I tend to agree that it is a relic of the madness that led to Decision Week, but I believe the proper question you should be asking yourself is, where did it come from before that?”

  “What do you mean?”

  The dragon snorted. It sucked the bearer-bond shower back across the cave. “I paid special attention to the events of that particular human war. A war so terrible that it intruded into the interests of my kind. These were not all new technologies the human scientist invented. Some were of the old ways, twisted. Your scientists were fools. The old ways do not enslave easily, nor do they bow willingly, and then only before the strongest of masters. Even among those, it is only a matter of time before the darkness corrupts them to its own nefarious desires. You have known a few men of this caliber, Martin Hood, for example, or Lord Machado.”

  Two very good examples of men poking around in things way over their heads. “You know about them?”

  “As I said, I have eyes everywhere. I knew of Lord Machado when he was still alive. Yet, even men of will sufficient to overcome physical death still end up as mere pawns to the warring factions eventually.”

  “You know a lot about these things. Mind if I ask you a few questions?”

  “Understandable, since the factions and their endless war are now hopelessly intertwined with your destiny, I would expect no less. I will be glad to address your concerns over tea and cookies once we are no longer under the pressing threat of imminent destruction . . . As I was saying, the learned men of Decision Week delved into mysteries far beyond their means. When the knights outside realized the tremendous nature of this threat they changed their plans, and like knights always do, decided to resort to violence.” The dragon studied me quizzically. “I can see that I lost you. Display exterior intercepts.” The screens changed to show the quarantine. “I have been monitoring the communications of the one you call Stricken. A soul of such indescribable foulness so very seldom pollutes this world.”

  “So you’ve met?”

  A scaly ridge over Management’s eye rose. “Oh, yes. Long ago. Do not trifle with that one, Mr. Pitt. He is no knight, deluded by chivalry or noble concepts. He is the devil made flesh. I intercepted this message fifteen minutes ago. The following transmission was encrypted; however, it was encrypted using software created under contract by a company that’s mostly owned by one of my shell corporations. Play audio recording number thirty-four. Increase volume to normal human auditory levels.”

  The multitude of TVs all switched to the same view, a blue armored personnel carrier that had SWAT on the side in big white letters. There were a lot of antennas on the back of the APC. The next voice that came over the speakers was clearly that of Stricken.

  “Things are getting worse inside. I want to bump up the timeline.”

  I didn’t recognize the other voice. “How soon?”

  “As soon as you get me approval I’ll turn this place to ash.”

  “How’s Director Stark feel about that?”

  “Forget Stark. He’ll do what I tell him or we’ll find a new guy. We own MCB now.”

  “POTUS won’t give approval until we can at least finish questioning the scientists. We’ve got no assurance that Mark Thirteen won’t just go incorporeal again and infect the rest of the city. There’s a lot we don’t know about it.”

  “I’m not worried about that. We found one of the Decision Week survivors in a retirement community not too far away and brought him in. Doctor by the name of Blish. I questioned him already. The old bastard confirmed what we suspected all along, but I think he’s exaggerating the destructive capacity. They didn’t have the ability to deal with this back then, but it’s nothing we can’t handle now. I’ve got enough information to take it down when necessary.”

  “Are you going to brief the Hunters inside?”

  “Negative.” Stricken’s laugh was as cold as ever. “We wanted an excuse to restart the Nemesis Project. We’re never going to have anything better than this. We’ll let it play out, then provide the solution at the last minute. Let the Hunters do the bleeding until then. We’re not out any resources ourselves. Then I can go up the chain and tell them if I’d had Nemesis assets ready to rock, this all could have been prevented.”

  “You’ll get your budget. Don’t worry. But there will be significant backlash against restarting Nemesis.”

  “You mean Frankenstein’s monster? That lumbering freak has outlived his usefulness.”

  The other man quavered. “But Franks is hard as fuck. He’s untouchable. He’s a national treasure. You know what’ll happen—”

  “None of you have to worry about Franks. I’ll handle him. Same with Myers or any of the old guard that gets in the way, I’ll burn them too. I’ve got a mission to complete.”

  The line was quiet for a long time. “That’s cold, even for you.”

  “And that’s why you keep me around. Just get me my approvals, Mr. Secretary, and I’ll handle the messy details.”

  I’d heard Nemesis mentioned between Franks and the Unicorn man yesterday. The dragon turned back to me as the TVs returned to their wide variety of channels. “No, I do not know what this Nemesis is that they speak of. However, it seems to be something that Stricken wants, and is prepared to sacrifice my lovely establishment, my employees, and my guests in order to justify.”

  “Screw him. I’m not planning to die just so some asshole can justify a line item on a spending bill. They’ve got one of the Decision Week scientists right outside. If I could get to him, I can find out what this thing is and how to kill it.” I looked around the opulent cave. The chaos of shelves, piles of furniture, and boxes made it difficult to see very far. “Do you have another way out of here?”

  “I am afraid not. You see, this is my final home. This is where I plan to live out my days in peace amid my treasures. I had this site carefully selected and prepared for my comfort, then I flew in under cover of darkness and had the casino built on top of it. I plan on dying here, Mr. Pitt.”

  “Why?”

  “Why? An interesting question.” The dragon flexed his enormous body in a drastic imitation of a shrug. “Some of the hateful things that are said about my kind are, sadly, true. We do love our shiny things. A dragon has a pathological desire to amass a horde. It is an addiction, but one that I have learned to control.” The dragon nodded at his display of moon rocks. “I tried a twelve-step program once, but it did not work out . . . So I make the best of it. Can you think of a more appropriate place than Las Vegas to accumulate such pretty things?” The dragon’s head moved over me, engulfing me in shadow, but he was merely inspecting his treasures. He clucked disapprovingly, and one wing stretched outward, the tip of it gently dusting a display of delicate glass figurines.

  “There is nowhere for me to leave to. My kind are dying. This world no longer belongs to us. The few of us that remain are a pale shadow of our once ferocious ancestors. The dragon gods began to die when the age of man began. You should have seen them in all their glory, Mr. Pitt. They were terrible and beautiful beyond all possible descriptors, but they were too magnificent for this petty age. The rest of us, their once-noble children, were feared and hunted nearly
to extinction. The outside world has nothing left to offer me. If I come across something that strikes my fancy, I have it brought here to keep me company. I do love eBay.” The massive chuckle shook me again.

  “That’s not what I—”

  “Ah, of course. I realize now that you are asking in a tactical rather than a philosophical manner. Though I do not intend to leave, I am not stupid. There’s a freight elevator back there. That is where I take my meals, usually a cow, sometimes a buffalo, or perhaps something exotic, like a giraffe, should the mood take me. I can fit up that shaft should I really wish to, but it is useless for your needs. It only goes up into the casino as well.”

  “Aren’t you worried about the Nachtmar coming down here for you?”

  “This is my home, Mr. Pitt. A dragon does not simply leave his home. I am far more concerned about the safety of my guests, and thus my bottom line, than I am about my own well-being. If you haven’t noticed, I am rather fearsome.” He lifted himself up onto his rear legs and puffed out his chest. Management was, indeed, pretty scary, but for the first time I realized that he seemed rather . . . flabby. “This creature of nightmares does not frighten me. As I believe you so eloquently told Mr. Jones earlier, and I quote, Motherfucker can’t handle what is in my brain.”

  “Right on.” Even a flabby old dragon with hoarding issues was still not something to tangle with. “Mind if I use your phone?”

  “Who would you like to call?”

  “Holly Newcastle. I’ve got her number—”

  The dragon held up one epic claw. “No need. Dial Newcastle, H. Put on speakerphone. Increase volume to normal human auditory levels.” There was a series of beeps as her number was dialed. “She was registered as a conference guest,” Management explained. “I have her email as well. I was going to add all of you to the newsletter to keep you appraised of special vacation offers. I have a property in Bermuda that I have been told is simply to die for.”