Chapter Seven
November/December 1974
Jackie was determined to get over Tony Salvucci. Number one: I’ll avoid going anywhere he may be, starting with Sammy White’s. Number two: When he invades my mind, I’ll evict him!
Old habits die hard. She couldn’t stop obsessing. Was he at Sammy White’s tonight? Was she with him? Sometimes her heart ached to see him, but the longer she went without expecting to see him, she more impervious she became to his pull on her. She put full attention into college, work, friends, and moving forward.
Mr. Dooley’s was an Irish pub in the center of town. The long mahogany bar ran along the length of the room, and the pool table and darts in the back room attracted a somewhat rowdy but fun clientele. Sully, Vic’s friend, bartended there a few nights a week and encouraged Jackie and her friends to drop by. Mr. Dooley’s seemed to be the perfect new hangout and she became a regular. Obviously, getting over Tony would involve meeting other men and, at nineteen years old, Jackie met lots of them.
One night while playing pool at Dooley’s, she met a friend of Ellen’s boyfriend named Steve Arsenault. Steve and Jackie played against Ellen and Joe. It was a fun night ending with Steve asking if he could call her. By the end of the week, he called and asked her to dinner. At work, she told Ellen that she and Steve had made a dinner date for the following Saturday night.
“That’s great! Are you excited? Steve’s a great guy and not bad looking either. He’s tall, the way you like them. And that wavy blond hair is gorgeous.
“Oh, I agree. He’s adorable. He seems nervous, like he’s trying to impress me. It’s funny.”
“That’s what you want! It’s always better to be pursued. But you didn’t answer my question. Are you excited?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Oh Jackie, don’t blow this. He’s a great guy.”
“What? I’m going. I’ll be nice. How excited am I supposed to be?”
“So maybe having low expectations will work well,” Ellen said.
Saturday night, Steve picked up Jackie and was a perfect gentleman. He took her to Finnerty’s, an upscale restaurant a few towns over. They were seated at a cozy table in front of the fireplace. But as Steve pulled out the stops to impress his date, she remained engrossed in thoughts of Tony. Steve didn’t make her laugh like Tony did. He didn’t make her quiver.
The following day, Ellen asked about Jackie’s date. “How was it? Did you have a good time?”
“He was nice. Quite a gentleman.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Will you see him again?”
“I don’t know. We had no chemistry.”
“Steve told Joe he felt chemistry.”
“Well chemistry can’t be one-sided. I didn’t.” She didn’t dare confess that all she felt was loneliness because it fired her desire for Tony.
Jackie became an expert at first dates, one after the other. But each man made her long for the magic she felt with the man she couldn’t have. She told Barbara about each date and her obsession with Tony. Barbara continued asking her magic question: “How does that make you feel?” With Barbara’s guidance, she continued to dig deep for answers and remained committed to leaving Tony behind.
Time passed, and her thoughts of Tony were diverted by the stimulation David provided.
*
David decided to enter the Air Force and was scheduled to leave after Christmas. Sitting at Mr. Dooley’s with Jackie and Ellen, Tara asked Jackie, “Hey, why didn’t you tell me about David?”
“What about him?”
“Don’t play dumb, Jackie.”
“Dumb about what?” Jackie looked at Tara with raised eyebrows.
Tara and Ellen exchanged a worried glance when they realized that their friend didn’t know. “Yikes, I can’t believe he didn’t tell you of all people,” Ellen said.
“Tell me what? Geez, you guys are annoying tonight.”
“Jackie,” Tara said, “David signed up for the Air Force. He’s leaving at the end of the month.” Her friends braced for a reaction.
“What? No way! Tara, you’re mistaken. He would’ve told me. Who told you?”
“Jackie, it’s true,” Ellen confirmed. “David told me himself yesterday. I figured he must have already told you!”
“Yeah.” Tara nodded her head. “I overhead him talking to someone the other day. By the time he realized I’d overheard, it was too late. So he told me.”
“No way! You must have misunderstood. You know David, he’s always telling stories.
“I’m sorry, Jackie. I don’t know why he didn’t tell you, but it’s true. He wasn’t kidding,” Ellen said, while Tara nodded again.
Jackie depended on David as a friend and confidant. She loved him in a way that she had never loved any man. How could he leave her? She rose from her seat at the bar and grabbed her coat and purse.
“I’ve gotta see him now. I’m going to call to see if he’s home.” She threw a five-dollar bill on the bar.
*
David answered the door coughing, trailed by thick black smoke.
“David, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he managed to say through a coughing fit. “I wanted to be romantic so I lit a fire and forgot to open the flue. Shit! Help me with the windows, will ya?”
Jackie laughed so hard and choked so violently that she had little strength to open the heavy brownstone windows. The frigid December air rushed in. When effortless breathing was resumed, they settled on a rug before the open flames, while the smoke dissipated.
“Want some wine? Of course you do.” David said, answering his own question. He returned from the kitchen with a glass of Mateus for her and a beer for himself.
The suspense was agonizing. Jackie took a deep breath and confronted him. “Tara and Ellen told me tonight that you joined the Air Force. They were shocked that I didn’t know. So was I! Is it true?
“Jackie …” His hesitation was her confirmation.
“Oh my God! You’re really leaving?” Her heart sank; she sat motionless.
“Jackie, listen …” He rose to his knees and looked into her glistening brown eyes. “I didn’t tell you because it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. You know I’m an Air Force brat. And I’m going nowhere at The Stockyard. The recruiter promised me all kinds of great shit. It’ll be great for me!”
“Jesus, I need a cigarette for this.” She took one of his and he lit it. Moments of silence hung in the air. Expressionless, with a tear rolling down her cheek, she imagined the emptiness in her daily life without David.
“Jackie, I spent my whole life making and leaving friends. I’m a pro at it. But leaving you … is different.” His voice cracked. Jackie held back sobs. They hugged each other and resolved to spend every minute of the remaining few weeks of his civilian life together. The dread of losing her best male friend swept her into a world of emotional chaos.
*
In therapy the following week, she filled in Barbara, who knew about David and Jackie’s friendship and that she wasn’t romantically interested in him.
“I’m devastated.” Jackie swallowed the lump in her throat. “I can’t imagine my life without David. I love him more than I thought I did.”
“Why do you think that might be?”
“Hmm. Maybe I never knew how much I loved him?”
“Or maybe it feels like you’re losing your dad again?”
Jackie gasped. How can I confuse losing my dad with losing David? “I don’t know. I think it’s crazy! Maybe I’m crazy? Now I’m obsessed with David. I want to spend every minute with him.”
“Before he abandons you?”
“Oh my God.”
“Could it be that by interpreting David’s joining the Air Force as abandonment and loss, you’re actually giving yourself permission to release the pain you never expressed when your dad died? And you’re trying to hold onto him the way you wanted to hold on
to your dad?”
Before Jackie had time to absorb Barbara’s questions, Barbara said, “I’m sorry, Jackie. Time’s up for today. We’ll have to pick this up next week.”
“Thank you.” Jackie left the room with a soft sob, dabbing her tears with a tissue. Once in her car, for the first time in a long time, she drove to the cemetery. She placed a blanket on the cold earth and sat at her father’s grave, sobbing for as long as it took for her to stop. Finally composed, she got up, swept the gravestone, and told her father she loved him. Walking to her car, she spotted a stout middle-aged man walking away from a newly filled grave and toward his car that was parked across from hers.
The stranger greeted her. “Hello, young lady. Whom are you visiting?”
“My dad. And you?” She sniffled and wiped her tears.
“My wife. I miss her terribly. When did your dad die?”
“Twelve years ago.” She couldn’t help but chuckle.
The gentleman looked at her sympathetically. “It takes as long as it takes, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, I guess it does. You take care.”
“And you too.” Before the man closed his car door, he added, “Your dad would be so proud of you, you know.”
Jackie nodded because she couldn’t speak. Her tears flowed again as the words she’d craved for twelve years echoed in her head.
*
The night before David’s flight, a rowdy farewell party was held at his apartment. By three a.m., Jackie was the only guest left and they stood at the door in aching silence. David took her hands in his. “Jackie, I must have said good-bye to hundreds of people in my life. But saying good-bye to you … I can’t do it.”
David pulled Jackie closer to him, buried his face in her shoulder, and sobbed. She felt his warm tears on her shoulder and jolted into emotional overload, she cried with him. She cared for him more at that moment than she had realized. Weeping in each other’s arms, neither wanted to leave. They accepted the stalemate. David took her hand, led her back into the apartment, and into his bedroom. The undertow of affection made the sexual act itself secondary.
David left that morning. Jackie was grateful that her first time had been with someone she loved so much. She couldn’t have asked for more, except that David go AWOL before even arriving at Lackland AFB, Texas.
January 1975
Basic training was brutal. David’s depressing letters urged her to write cheerful ones as often as possible. As time passed, she felt unusually tired and sporadically nauseated. The thought of pregnancy occurred to her, but she dismissed it. Pregnancy is like death. It happens to other people. Soon, she learned the ludicrousness of her analogy. Pregnancy and death are alike. They happen to everyone. And it happened to her.
Physical discomforts and tormenting emotions ran in close competition. She was too exhausted to think. But thinking was all she did. What can I do? I love David. But I can’t call him and hurl such an announcement at him then zip off to Lackland AFB to marry him. I can’t have a kid at nineteen years old. The idea of telling her mother and raising a child alone was preposterous. Terrified and desperate, she mulled over the impossible choices. Each alternative appeared more dismal than the other and the clock was ticking.
Abortion. There is absolutely no way I can believe it’s not murder. If I did nothing, the baby would grow into a child. Therefore, if I abort it, logically I have killed it.
Adoption. How does a person go on living without knowing the fate of a child she’s brought into this world? I couldn’t endure the constant wondering if that four-year-old was mine, that ten-year-old, that twenty-five-year-old…
Keeping the baby. How can I be a single mother at nineteen years old? I love David, but do I love him like I would love a husband? Could I be a serviceman’s wife with a child in tow? And how would I know what my life would’ve been otherwise?
Telling David. Should I tell him in a letter? Should I wait until he’s home next month? Damn! This wasn’t supposed to happen the first time!
She decided to tell him during his leave. And she scheduled an abortion, just in case. While she waited, she fought panic—and prayed for a magical solution. Maybe I’ll miscarry. Maybe I’ll stop sleeping twelve hours a night and be normal again. Maybe my mind and my stomach will stop somersaulting. Maybe I’ll stop crying.
*
Jackie stood at the gate at the airport. Her stomach flipped as she spotted him walking down the corridor. “David!”
He ran to her. Dropping his knapsack he bent to embrace her. “I’ve missed you so much!” Jackie wiped her tears with her sleeve. “Hey, are you okay? You’re supposed to cry when I leave, not when I come back.” When she didn’t react to his joke, he knew something was awry. “What’s wrong?” He lifted her face by her chin. “Jackie, what is it? Tell me.”
Jackie blinked back tears. “Oh it’s nothing, really. It’s so good seeing you. Let’s go to lunch. How about Chinese food? I have a craving!” She rolled her eyes upon hearing her own words.
“Sure, that’s fine,” he agreed as he retrieved his knapsack and they headed toward the exit. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yup. We need to talk but we will at lunch.”
“Okay. But you’re a shoot-from-the-hip, gut-honest kind of girl. You got something to say, you say it. So, what’s the mystery?” Trying to lighten the mood, he asked, “Are you having a party for me or something?”
“No, no party. Well of course, everyone from The Stockyard wants to meet you down at Sammy White’s tonight.”
Sammy White’s—Tony! She’d nearly forgotten. The last thing she needed right now was to run into Tony Salvucci. “Except, I … I can’t make it tonight. I’m still boycotting the place.”
“Does that idiot still go there?”
“I’ve been told he’s been sighted. And I don’t need any more trouble.”
“Any more trouble? Are you in trouble?”
“Uh… no, no trouble. We’ll talk at the restaurant. Tell me about boot camp.”
David filled in the details of life as a recruit. Pulling into China Sails’ parking lot, Jackie turned to David. “Did I forget to tell you how nice it is to see you? Welcome home.” She reached over to kiss his cheek.
He grabbed her and kissed her lips. “Jackie, I missed you more than I’ve missed anyone!”
“I missed you too. But I don’t know what I want. That kiss was… uh…”
“You complimentin’ my kissin’ ability?”
“Yeah, but—”
“But you’re gonna tell me to screw. That’s it, huh?”
“No. That’s not it. Let’s go in. I’m starving.”
“Okay, but as soon as we’re in there, I want to hear what’s up with you, especially if it concerns me.”
*
The waiter brought tea. “Buffet today?”
“Yes, please,” Jackie responded.
“Okay, help yourself. Take your time,” the waiter said.
David’s voice was serious. “Before we step foot near that buffet, tell me what’s going on.”
“Oh David, I don’t know how to say this.” She took a nervous drag of her cigarette. “I’ve been rehearsing for a month, but I still don’t know the words to use.” David opened his mouth to speak. She raised her hand to stop him. “Wait! I have to say it.” She swallowed hard and said, “I’m pregnant with your baby.”
His mouth dropped.
“Wow, I feel better! Do you have any idea how hard that was to say?”
David sat motionless.
“Hey Dave, are you okay? I know it’s tough news. I’m sorry.”
He took a deep breath and leaned back in the booth, staring at Jackie. Nervousness made her all the more ravenous. She eased her way out of the booth. “I’ll give you a few minutes. I’m famished!”
David had no response.
At the buffet, she loaded mountains of Chinese food on her plate and topped it off with two egg rolls. Concerned about David’s lack of reaction, her
mind spun imagining what he might say. She had never seen David speechless.
When Jackie returned to the table, David had recovered some animation. “You wouldn’t joke about such a thing, right?”
“God, no!” She took the first bite of an eggroll.
“Well, your plate tells me you’re eating for two.” David stubbed out the cigarette butt. “You can’t possibly eat that much. Wow! During all of boot camp, I never thought I’d come home to this.”
With one cheek bulging, she asked, “Are you mad?” Her blazing eyes warned him that he better not be.
“No, I’m shocked as hell, but not mad. Jackie, what the hell do we do now? Seriously, you’re nineteen. I’m twenty. You live at home. I’m about to transfer to Chanute. Together we don’t have a dime. What the hell?”
“David, I have an advantage here. I’ve been over each option a million times.” She gulped. “And each option stinks!”
“Yeah, but we have to choose one, like it or not. Jesus! How did this happen? Hell, we only did it once. And you were a—”
“Virgin, I know. I’ve been over that too.” Jackie put her fork down and looked into David’s hazel eyes. “I made an abortion appointment for the end of the week. I feel so guilty. But I can’t see a better solution.”
“Jackie, I love you. But I have career plans in the service. I’m not ready for a wife and a kid.”
“Hey, I didn’t ask you to marry me. David, I’ll love you forever but I don’t want to marry you either. And I can’t imagine being anyone’s mother right now either. It’s a nightmare!” She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
“Are you afraid of having an abortion?”
“Hell, yes,” she said. “But I don’t see another choice. I guess all I have to do now is show up for the appointment.” As if speaking only to herself, she added, “And live with the repercussions.” She wiped her mouth with a napkin and hesitated. “Do you believe it’s murder?”
“Nah, how could it be?”
How could it not be?
*
They kept the appointment at the abortion clinic. It was a desperate time when desperate people do desperate things. In silence and closeness, they entered. In tears, they left.
Once Broken Page 5