“Let’s hope you never have to find out.” After a brief kiss, she put the groceries away and made sandwiches.
*
After dinner that evening Tony lit a fire in the fireplace. Jackie lay across the sofa with her head in his lap.
“This place looks amazing. Thanks to you.”
“Aw, thanks! It was so much fun. What’s up for tonight?”
“I’m hoping to get you on the floor in front of the fire.”
“Geez, after all the work we’ve done today, you still have energy for that?”
“Always. I thought you knew me better than that.”
He got up to spread a blanket on the floor when the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it.” He headed down the stairs. Jackie scooped up the blanket and folded it on the couch when she heard Louie and Anna’s voices.
“Hi dear, we’re heading home from the store. I made Louie swing by. I’ve been eager to see Tony’s new place! We’re not interrupting anything, are we?”
“Oh no. Come in. Tony’ll give you the tour.”
*
As Tony had wanted, Jackie spent a lot of time at his apartment. She stayed overnight on the nights she didn’t work which ended up being most weekends and every Tuesday. Her clothes filled two of his bureau drawers and a portion of his hall closet. Her toothbrush and hair dryer became permanent fixtures in his bathroom. On weekends, they had their morning coffee sitting on the papasan chairs in the sunroom.
April 1977
“Our anniversary is next Thursday,” Jackie reminded Tony at dinner.
“I don’t need reminders for that. It’s been the happiest year of my life.”
“Mine too. I’ll make you a special dinner and we’ll spend a quiet night right here.”
“And I’ll finally get my fantasy night with you naked in front of the crackling fire?
“Yes you will.” She shivered as erotic images played in her mind.
*
Candles flickered from every corner of the living room. The fireplace, with its crackling fire, added warmth and atmosphere. Champagne chilled in the ice bucket with two champagne glasses beside it. The Bee Gees played on the turntable. When Tony came in from work, Jackie was positioned on the couch wearing a black lace chemise. “Happy Anniversary, my love.”
He dropped his briefcase, flung his coat on the floor, and with hungry eyes met Jackie on the couch. “I looked forward to this all day.” It was a hard, passionate kiss. Staring into Jackie’s eyes, he said, “Let me change out of this monkey suit. Be forewarned, tonight will be a slow, steamy, romantic celebration.”
“Sounds wonderful. I’ll pop the champagne.” When he returned wearing sweatpants only, she handed him a champagne glass. “Happy Anniversary, honey.”
“Here’s to many more.” Lifting their glasses they toasted and sealed it with a kiss. “Is that beef stew I smell?”
“It is. Whenever you’re ready.”
“That’s something to look forward to. For now, this is where I want to be.”
Jackie nestled into his shoulder as they sipped champagne and reminisced about the highlights of the past year. “I’m a lucky, lucky man.” He stood up, took her hand, and they slow danced as Lou Rawls sang, “You’ll Never Find Another Love Like Mine.”
“Appropriate song,” Tony whispered. “I love you.”
“I love you more,” they whispered in unison.
After their dance, they shared dinner by candlelight.
“This stew is fantastic, Jack. It’s off the charts.”
“I’m glad you like it. I’ll clean up a bit. Why don’t you get the living room ready for dessert?”
“Don’t worry about cleaning. Come.” He took her hand and led her to the blanket spread over the shag rug in front of the fire. He threw a log on the fire, brought over the ice bucket with champagne, and sat down beside her.
“You’re so freaking sexy,” she said. Without a word, Tony lifted off her chemise. Taking her face in both hands, he kissed her mouth then her neck, working his way down to her breasts. He cupped her breasts in his hands and enjoyed his idea of dessert. They spent the next few hours exploring each other’s bodies in front of the fire, enjoying their acquired easy comfort.
“Happy Anniversary, honey. I love you so much,” Jackie said as they got into bed after midnight.
“I love you more.”
Chapter Eleven
July 1977
By late July, Jackie felt strange … kind of pregnant. I can’t be pregnant. I’m on the pill! A few weeks passed and she became edgy. One night as they ate dinner, Tony asked, “You don’t seem yourself, Jackie. Is something wrong?”
“Ah, nothing … I don’t know. I don’t feel right.”
“Is it the flu or something?”
“Or something. I don’t know how to say this, but I feel kinda … pregnant.”
“Pregnant! That’s ridiculous! You’re on the pill, for Chrissake.”
“Yeah. Maybe I’m paranoid.”
“You must be,” Tony agreed. “But if you are, we’ll take care of it.”
“What do you mean, ‘we’ll take care of it,’” Jackie asked, surprised by his comment.
“Well you know, you’ll have an abortion. I know that—”
“You’re kidding, right?” She felt like she’d been punched in the stomach.
“No, not exactly, I mean …”
Her face flushed crimson. “Tony! I can’t believe what I’m hearing! You know how I feel about that!”
“Calm down, for Chrissake. Then, it was hypothetical. For that matter, it’s hypothetical now.”
Jackie shook her head, trying to decipher the dissonance. “We’re discussing a possibility. And your off-the-cuff comment that we’d get an abortion is indicative of your true feelings.”
“Look, if you’re pregnant and that’s a big if, we can’t handle having a baby. I just got this apartment. We’re not even living together yet. We can’t raise a baby.”
Her eyes blazed. “You’re amazing. Where the hell is the guy who said abortion was fine for other people, but not his kid?”
“That was different.” His arms folded like a barricade.
“It was a lie. You said what I wanted to hear!” Tears burned her eyes. “I hope to God I’m not pregnant so I can tell you to go to hell! I’m outta here!” She grabbed her purse, slamming the door behind her.
*
The following day, Jackie made an appointment for a blood test. During the three agonizing days she awaited results, the couple did not speak. Jackie couldn’t get herself to call him, but also couldn’t believe that he had not called her. Overwhelming resentment made her realize that maybe it was best if they didn’t speak before the results were known.
After three unbearable days, the nurse phoned. “The test is positive. You’re three weeks pregnant.”
Jackie could barely breathe but managed to ask, “How could this happen? I’m on the pill!”
“Oh, this isn’t happy news? Jackie, no birth control is one hundred percent effective,” the nurse told her.
“Are you absolutely sure? Could there be any mistake?”
“No Jackie, the test is definitive. You’re pregnant.”
The words echoed in her mind as she replaced the receiver forgetting to utter a courteous good-bye. She sank into the nearest chair, paralyzed. Oh my God, No! Please, No! She wanted to awaken from this nightmare. She needed to talk to Tony but decided to wait until he called her.
Tony called on Thursday. His voice was tender. “I miss you. Are you still mad at me?”
“I’m still shocked. I can’t believe what you said. I feel like I don’t even know you!”
“Jackie, it was hypothetical and hypotheticals are never good. Let’s talk about it when we know for sure. When are you getting tested?”
Not ready to say the words that would change her life as she knew it, she responded, “Tomorrow.”
“I miss you so much. This place isn’t the same without you a
round.”
“I miss you too.”
“Let’s go out for dinner tonight and start over.”
“Okay, but it better be some place good.” She so wanted everything to go back to normal. She knew she had to tell Tony the news but feared his reaction and losing him. Maybe somehow we’ll work this out. Maybe he didn’t mean what he said. He knows there’s a chance. Maybe he needs time. She opted to leave him wondering for now.
They both left the topic of pregnancy off the table for the evening. Following a quiet dinner, they went to the marina and made love on the boat.
“I’ll make you dinner tomorrow night, okay?”
“Sure, that will be great.” Tony kissed her good night in front of her house.
*
The following night Jackie made spaghetti with sausages, and practiced the words she’d say. Tony I’m pregnant. No. Honey, I have the test results. Let him ask for the results. She lit a cigarette to soothe her nerves.
When Tony got home, she met him at the door. “Hi, honey.” She kissed him hello.
“It’s so nice coming home to you. I missed you immensely,” he whispered in her ear, hugging her tightly.
“Me too. I’ve got wine waiting by the sofa.”
Noting a single glass, he asked, “None for you?”
“Oh no, I’m … my stomach’s queasy.” He completely missed the hint. “Come, sit.” She patted the space beside her.
“Give me a sec to get out of my monkey suit.”
She lit another cigarette, feeling guilty for smoking while pregnant.
He sat next to her and reached out to hold her. She surrendered to the moment and wanted to stay there forever, never having to say the words she needed to tell him. She stared into space while considering possible scenarios.
Tony snapped his fingers. “Hello?”
She stared at him.
“Are you okay?” he asked with genuine concern. “What is it Jackie?”
She was silent.
“Oh. You got the results.”
She nodded. A tear rolled down her cheek.
“Well, the answer is obvious.” His stomach thumped.
They sat quietly with Tony’s arm still resting on her shoulder. He caressed her shoulder with his thumb. She cried without a sound.
Tony rose to pace the floor. “Jackie, how the fuck did this happen? Did you forget to take the pill?”
“No! I don’t know how it happened. I asked the nurse the same question and she told me birth control is only ninety-nine percent effective. Think about that. If I were in the lottery with a one percent chance of winning, I’d never win. But here I am with those odds, pregnant!”
“That doesn’t make sense.” He paced with his gaze on the carpet.
“No kidding. You know, sometimes life doesn’t make sense. I mean that’s the thing. When I know the odds of getting pregnant are one percent and I’m pregnant, then I must have this baby.”
He stopped dead in his tracks and looked directly into Jackie’s eyes. “Hold on. This isn’t just your decision. It affects me too. We need to discuss options.”
“I’ve already examined all the options.”
“Well, that’s fine for you, but I should have a say. Let’s do it together.” He sat down beside her and took her hand. “Jackie, think about this practically. We’re not ready to have a baby, you know that right?”
“I don’t know what I know.” The only move she made was to put out her cigarette.
“Look, I’m not ready to get married.”
“I’m not asking you to marry me.”
Tony rose to pace again. “Geez Jackie, what the hell will you do with a freaking baby? You still live at home. You don’t even have a full-time job. You don’t have health insurance! What can you offer a kid?”
She was jolted by his offensive question. “Love! I have love to offer the ‘kid.’”
“Love doesn’t support it.”
“I know that,” she said through her tears. “I don’t know what I’ll do exactly. The only thing I know is that I must have this baby! And maybe right now, that’s all I need to know.” She was hyperventilating.
“Okay, Jackie. Calm down.” He took her in his arms. “We’re both shocked. Listen, I need to talk to my dad to get some perspective. You should think about this too. You need to seriously consider how this will change your life.”
“I’m so scared.”
He hugged her as she sobbed into his shoulder.
*
The following day Tony found Louie playing solitaire. “Hey Dad, where’s Ma?”
“She’s grocery shopping. Want a quick game of poker?”
“No Dad, I’ve got some uh … news.”
Louie put down the deck of cards and took a drag of his cigarette, crossing his ankle over his knee. “Well, let’s hear it son.”
“I’m getting a shot of whiskey to get the words out. Want one?”
“Sure. Are we toasting something?”
“Not exactly.” He returned with two shot glasses and a bottle of VO. He threw his head back, swallowing the shot. “Jackie’s pregnant.” He plopped in the chair across from Louie. “Dad, what the hell can I do?”
“Oh.” Louie gulped a shot of whiskey and refilled both glasses. “Well son, what are you thinking?”
Tony gulped the second shot, then stood to pace. “I’m horrified. I’m not ready to have a kid!”
“You love Jackie, don’t you?”
He stopped pacing. “Of course I love her. And, I don’t want to lose her but she’s determined to have this kid. It’s not fair. I’m not ready to get married or have a baby. But she can unilaterally make the decision and I’m forced to live with it.” He raised his arms in frustration, then poured another shot. “Dad, this sucks! She’s got me by the balls. If she has this kid, I’ll be paying support for the next two decades!”
Louie nodded his head. “Son, it’s not fair. Have you talked to her about abortion?”
He continued to pace. “She’s dead set against that option. She’s talking about odds. She says there’s a one percent chance she could get pregnant on the pill and says that with those odds, she’s having this kid whether I like it or not.”
“With those odds, I can’t blame her. Okay, how about adoption? Is that an option she can live with? Look at Uncle Matt and Aunt Nancy’s kids, they’re all adopted. Best thing that ever happened. Adoption should be a viable option for you two, don’t you think?”
Tony stopped pacing. “Huh. Good point. I could support her through that. That way everyone wins and we get to stay together without a baby. She’s never mentioned adoption so I’m not sure what she thinks.” He took a deep breath. “I feel better. I’ll talk to her about that. Thanks Dad.”
*
The following night at dinner Tony broached the subject of adoption. “Honey, how are you feeling?”
“Tired, mostly.”
“Listen, I talked to my dad last night. He made a suggestion we should discuss.”
“Really?” She perked up a bit.
“Adoption?”
“Ugh.” She sank back down.
“Jackie, think about it! Adoption is the answer for us! You won’t have an abortion. And the baby will be placed into a loving family with parents who are financially and emotionally able to care for it.”
“I’ve thought about that, for God’s sake. I know, in a perfect world adoptive parents would offer everything a baby needs. I know that giving up this baby would be the most generous gift I could ever give.” Her voice shook. “But I don’t know how someone carries a baby for nine months and delivers it into this fucked-up world only to never see it again. How do I live with that? I’d always wonder if our child was happy and safe. Every time I’d look at a four-year-old, or ten-year-old, or twenty-year-old, I’d wonder if it was my child! I can’t live with that!” Tears streamed down her cheeks leaving streaks of mascara and dark spots on her navy-blue peasant blouse. She rose.
“Jackie.�
� He sat her down with his hands on her shoulders. “Listen, if you decide to give it up, I’ll support you through the pregnancy. We’ll do it together. We can have kids later, when we’re ready. It’ll be okay. My aunt and uncle adopted my three cousins and they’re so grateful and a happy family. There are so many couples dying for a baby. This could be our answer. We need to consider it.”
She wiped her face with the palms of her hands. “I’m amazed by people who can give up their babies. It’s incredibly selfless and admirable. But I know I’m not that selfless or admirable. I couldn’t live with it.”
Exasperated, Tony said, “Jackie, this sucks for me. I hate that you can decide to have a kid that I don’t want. I didn’t sign up for this! I love you but if you have and keep this baby, it changes everything.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do.”
“So you’re saying that regardless of how I feel, you’ll keep this baby?”
“I guess I am. But Tony, please understand I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m doing what’s right for me.”
Tony sank into the other side of the sofa with his hands covering his face.
*
“Dad, she won’t consider adoption. She’s determined to keep this baby, no matter what. This is a nightmare!” Tony put his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. “What the hell can I do?”
“Son, you said you love her. You won’t consider marrying her?”
“No Dad. I’m not sure I even love her right now. I’m so freaking angry,” he yelled, and pounded his fist on the side of the couch. “We got into this together and we should be able to get out of it together. She’s being stupid. She has no resources to support this kid. I told her to think about that. Adoption is the fair solution! She wouldn’t have an abortion and we wouldn’t be responsible for a baby that we’re not ready for. But she won’t seriously consider it. She’s so freaking stubborn. So how much does she love me? Really, how much does she love me? I’m so freaking pissed off!”
“Son, I don’t know what to say except you know I’m always in your corner.” He patted his son’s back.
“I know, Dad. Thanks. But what the hell am I gonna do? I’m trapped like a freaking rat!”
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