*
After dinner that evening, Louie broke the news to his wife. “My dear, we have a situation on our hands with Jackie and Tony.”
“Really? I hope he didn’t break up with her like he does with all his girlfriends.”
“No dear, Jackie’s pregnant.”
As the words sank in, Anna’s joyful expression was priceless. “Oh my, I’m going to be a grandmother! I’ve wanted to be a nana for so long—”
“Dear, hold on. Tony won’t marry her and in fact doesn’t want the baby. He wants her to give it up. She refuses. Tony isn’t taking it well. He’s furious and feels trapped.”
Anna’s joyful expression faded into worry. “Oh dear, this is horrible. Knowing Tony, he won’t change his mind. Louie, I always told you, you spoiled him rotten. This is when it comes home to roost. And now I may never know my own grandchild.”
Louie hugged his wife. “Sweetheart, we don’t know what’ll happen.”
“I do. I know my son. Once he makes up his mind about something, he’ll cut off his own nose to spite his face.”
*
The following day Tony called Jackie. The conversation was more business than pleasure. “Tomorrow night, I’m going out with the guys. I’ll be home late, so I’ll call you on Saturday. Okay?”
“Uh … okay.”
Tony didn’t call on Saturday. Jackie sensed trouble but refused to call him. She drove by his house that evening, but his car wasn’t in the driveway. Her concern grew stronger. She called Tara in a panic. “Tony’s kind of missing.”
“What?”
“He told me he was going out with the guys last night, which was strange. But I thought, whatever. He said he’d call today. But he hasn’t. I drove by his house a few times. His car isn’t there.” She chewed her fingernails.
“I’m coming over,” Tara said.
When Tara arrived, Jackie put two cups of steaming tea on the table.
“Oh honey, you look horrible.”
“Thanks.” Jackie smoothed her long dark hair.
“You know what I mean, upset.”
“I know.” She lit a cigarette.
“Oh boy, you’ve got to give those up if you’re having a baby.”
“Yeah, but how? I’m a wreck.”
“I know. But work on it.” Tara dipped her tea bag. “As for Tony, maybe he just needs some time. Does he know you’re definitely pregnant?”
“Yup, he wants me to give it up.” She gazed at the swirl in her tea as she stirred.
“And of course you won’t.”
“Right.”
“Look Jackie, he’s mad about you. He’ll get over the shock and everything will be fine. Really, you’ll see.” Tara squeezed her friend’s hand.
“I don’t know. He’s so pissed off. He says he wasn’t planning on getting married and having kids now. Well, neither was I! He said he didn’t sign up for this. I understand that. But what am I supposed to do? I can’t do something I can’t live with.” Jackie added, “I know you’ll think I’m nuts but I’ve got this gut feeling he’s with another woman.”
“Oh God, your imagination’s gone wild. He’ll call you soon and explain. Stop imagining things. You’re making things worse.”
“I feel it, Tara. He’s with someone else.” She leaned against the back of the chair—pale, nauseated, and teary-eyed. “What the hell am I gonna do? With a baby? Without him?”
“Jackie, take it one step at a time. Wait to hear from him before you drive yourself crazy. Don’t do this to yourself, okay?”
*
Tony phoned Monday night. There was no hello. “We need to talk.”
“Damn right we do. Where were you all weekend?”
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll just say it. I went camping with Kevin, that new guy from work I told you about.”
“How the hell did that come about? And why didn’t you call me? Or better yet, take me with you?”
“It was a last minute thing. His girlfriend, Katrina, was bringing her sister and asked Kevin to bring a friend to make it another couple. Me and the woman, Carmella, really hit it off. I told her about you and promised I’d come back and break it off.”
With those few words, Jackie was shattered. “I don’t understand. Just like that?”
“Well, we hit it off.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“It’s simple Jackie. We spent the weekend together and I want to see her again.”
“Your timing and your nerve are un-fucking-believable!”
“Look, this has nothing to do with you being pregnant. It was over for us anyway. It was a matter of time.”
“A matter of time? Are we tuned into the same freaking station? The last I heard was you love me more. This is surreal. I don’t believe what I’m hearing.”
“I don’t care what you believe. I’m being honest—”
“Honest? You don’t have an honest bone in your body, you son of a bitch,” she managed to say between sobs.
“Listen, don’t get all emotional. I’m trying to explain a difficult situation. I can’t help what I feel. I’m sorry if it hurts you. But Carmella is more comfortable—”
“Comfortable! What an interesting choice of words!” Jackie slammed down the phone. The phone rang. She didn’t answer it. It rang again. She barely heard it through her sobs.
*
“Jackie!” Lucille called up the stairs. “Tony’s here!”
She pulled herself together hoping her mother wouldn’t detect the crisis. “I’ll be right there!” Wiping her cheeks, she ran downstairs wearing a pair of jeans and a tie-dyed shirt.
Tony was standing at the bottom of the stairs. “We need to talk.”
“Fine.” She brushed by him grabbing her pocketbook and shoes.
Once outside he said, “Let’s go for a ride.”
“Fine. My mother knows nothing about this yet and neither do my brothers. It’s in your best interest to keep it that way, you rotten son of a bitch!”
They rode in acrimonious silence to the nearby duck pond where they had previously shared tender moments. Tony cut the engine. Jackie stared at the river. The silent rage lasted long enough for her to realize that the love of her life was an arrogant, immature, cowardly man. Watching the ducks fight over a piece of bread someone threw into the water, she prayed that she’d awaken to a time when Tony was still her best friend and she still controlled her own destiny. She wanted her future back. Instead, she knew she was about to hear what he had to say, even if it destroyed her.
She finally broke the silence. “Let’s hear it, Tony.”
“Are you absolutely sure you’re pregnant?” He stared at the river.
She sighed. “For the umpteenth time, yes, I’m sure.”
“Then, let’s discuss adoption.” He turned to her. “Jackie, it’s the right option for us, right now.”
“We already discussed this! I made it perfectly clear I can’t live with that. I can’t give up my baby for convenience sake. You know, Tony, sometimes life isn’t convenient. Shit happens! I’ve searched my soul and as much as it scares the ever-lovin’ shit out of me, I’m keeping this baby. The way I see it, I took the appropriate precautions to prevent it … but it happened. With a stinkin’ one percent chance. I don’t understand it. But it’s crystal clear to me that this child is supposed to be here. And I am keeping it. I’m sorry you don’t like my decision. I really am.” She looked squarely into his steel-blue eyes. “Tony, my decision is not to spite you or trap you. It’s the only decision I can live with.”
“Fine. Here’s my decision. My involvement will be nil. I don’t want it. I didn’t choose it. You can walk this kid by my house every year on its birthday for all I care.” Visibly tormented, Tony hesitated. “There’s more. Carmella and I are engaged. So don’t do this expecting that I’ll change my mind.”
Jackie gasped. “You and this woman you just met are engaged?” The absurdity made her smile.
&n
bsp; “Yeah, don’t give me any shit! Not that I have to explain myself to you. But there’s a love element there.”
“Really? What the hell is a ‘love element’?”
With arms folded, he declared, “I don’t have to explain it to you.”
She couldn’t help but giggle. “You’ve lost your mind!” She gazed at him in disbelief.
“It’s no joke.”
“Take me home.” She glared at him, but felt beaten down by his intended or unintended retaliation.
They drove in bitter silence. When they reached her house, he said, “Listen Jackie, I’m telling you right now, I won’t be there for you and this kid.” The fire in his eyes confirmed his sincerity. “You need to think about that while you consider your options.”
“You’ve made yourself perfectly clear.” She got out, slammed the door, and stormed away.
Chapter Twelve
August 1977
Abortion. Adoption. Single parenthood. Each alternative had far-reaching implications.
Jackie considered adoption one more time with attempted objectivity. In her navy-and-white bedroom, with soft music and candlelight, she searched her soul. She ruminated on her conversation with Tony. He’s right. I have nothing but love to offer this baby. How will I find a job if I’m pregnant and then with an infant? How can I provide for myself and a baby? Adoptive parents would have all the money and security a baby needs. Giving this baby away would be the most generous gift I could ever give. But how does someone carry and deliver a baby only to never see it again?
She paced the floor, leaving tracks of restlessness in the thick nap of the carpet. There are no guarantees in life, and there are none in adoption. Look at me. I was born into a happy household. My father died and my family blew apart. How can my baby be guaranteed its adoptive father won’t die? How ironic. I could give this baby away because I’m single and its adoptive mother could become single by a simple twist of fate. No, I need to know that my baby is safe and happy. Plopping on her bed, Jackie accepted the fact that she was not as trusting or generous as a person must be to give up her baby.
Single parenthood was chosen by default. I’ll put my job search on hold and sign on with a temporary secretarial agency. I’ll add a few shifts at The Stockyard for the time being. Her senses magnified in search of solutions to the myriad challenges her situation presented. She wondered about the baby. What is it? Who will it be? It is taking over my body, my life! I’ll be somebody’s mother. Will I always be single? Do I have what it takes to be a single mother? Does anybody?
*
Jackie and Tara sat at the Pewter Pot enjoying muffins and coffee. Tara’s shriek of disbelief when she heard about Tony’s proclaimed engagement could be heard over the din of the breakfast crowd.
“He’s unbelievable! He’s trying to manipulate you, you know that, right?”
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore. Suddenly I don’t even know him. It’s scary enough that I’ll be somebody’s mother and I’m about to lose control of my life with no safety net. And I miss him so much—or at least the Tony I thought I knew.” Tears filled her eyes.
“Oh Jackie, I know. It’s horrible. He’s trying to terrify you so that you’ll get the abortion he wants.” She broke off a piece of her grilled corn muffin.
“Well, if that’s what he’s doing, he doesn’t get it! I’m having this baby because I can’t live with any other alternative.” She hesitated, staring into space. “I’ve spent years wondering why I couldn’t shake my attraction to him. Maybe I saw this baby in his eyes, ’cause God knows, I couldn’t have seen anything else worthwhile in him. This should not have happened, but it did. So this baby is meant to be born and meant to be mine. I know it.”
“You’ve got to give those things up.” Tara pointed to Jackie’s cigarettes.
“I know. But they’re my friends. I need all the friends I can get right now.”
“Yeah, well. They’re no friends of your baby. You’ll have to figure it out. And, while I’m on my soapbox, perhaps you should consider seeing Barbara again?”
“Oh I’m way ahead of you. I have an appointment with her next week. I believed Tony and I were in love. I thought our relationship was real. Now I wonder, on some level did I know he’d abandon me again, just when I needed him most?” She held back a sob.
Tara reached for her friend’s hand. “Jackie, everything will be okay. Barbara will help. I hate to mention yet another problem, but have you told your mom?”
“Nope. Not looking forward to that either.”
“Want me to be there for support?”
“Oh, I’d love that. You’re awesome, Tara.”
“Hey, you’d do the same for me. How about I come to dinner tomorrow night?”
“That’s great. What would I do without you?”
*
A chicken and rice casserole was enjoyed by all except Jackie, who was too nervous to eat. The house, quiet after Jackie’s brothers went out with friends, made it seem as good a time as any to spill the earth-shattering news. Tara had brought carrot cake, Lucille’s favorite dessert. Tara and Jackie rehearsed the drill in quiet whispers as they washed and dried the dishes, made coffee, and set the table for dessert.
“You’re on,” Tara nudged.
“Hey Ma, come in the kitchen. Tara brought your favorite dessert.” Jackie glanced at Tara, dreading the conversation to come.
Lucille looked skeptical. “What’s the occasion?”
“Occasion? Uh … nothing really. Just wanted to thank you for dinner, Mrs. Martin. You’re such a wonderful cook.” Tara reached for the knife to cut the cake. “Sit, you’ll love this.”
Slicing pieces of cake, she placed them on dishes before each of them. Jackie lit a cigarette, inhaled, and announced, “Ma, I’m pregnant and I’m having and keeping the baby.” Eyes squinted, she braced for her mother’s reaction. There was none so she went on. “Tony says his ‘involvement will be nil.’ Please don’t be mad. I can’t handle that right now.”
Lucille took her first bite of cake as if not a word had been spoken. Confused, Jackie glanced at Tara, whose mouth was full of carrot cake. Tara raised her eyebrows and shoulders, telling Jackie that she didn’t know what to make of Lucille’s lack of reaction.
Jackie tapped her mother’s arm. “Ma, did you hear me?”
Lucille cut the next bite of carrot cake with her fork and sipped her coffee.
“Ma, please say something.”
“What can I say?” Lucille wiped her mouth with her napkin and looked at Jackie.
“I don’t know. Maybe, that it’s okay?” Jackie mashed her dessert with her fork. A tear dropped onto the table.
“He had us all fooled. So, he’s the jerk we first thought?”
“It seems so,” Jackie admitted.
Tara went for a second helping of cake. “Anyone for seconds?” she asked, hoping to interject distraction into the tense air.
“I’m sorry for that Jackie. You deserve a man as good as your father. I’m disappointed. But I’m your mother. I’ll do what I can for you. But this child is your responsibility and it’s a huge responsibility.”
“Yeah, Ma, I know.”
“Ah, you can’t know until you go through it. Motherhood is a burden, a lot of work and not much appreciation. And, doing it alone … well, believe me, it’s tough.”
“Okay, maybe I don’t know what it’ll be like to be a mother. But I know I have no other choice.”
“What about your job hunting?”
“I’ve put it on hold and signed with a temporary secretarial agency to get some money in as soon as possible. I figure it’ll suffice until I have the baby. I can’t work in a restaurant when I’m nine months pregnant.”
“Then what?”
“My God, I don’t know. I’ll … I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”
“I’m sorry for you Jackie. I truly am. Of course you can continue to stay with us if you want. And as I said, I’ll do whatever
I can do for you and the baby.”
“That’s great, Ma.”
Lucille kissed Jackie’s forehead, wiped away a fresh tear, and left the room to lick her wounds of disappointment. Jackie and Tara stared at each other for a moment. Jackie sniffled. “She took it better than I thought.”
*
When Jackie’s brothers came home later that evening, Lucille told them about Jackie’s predicament. Vic knocked on her door. Jackie was sitting on the floor, listening to music and crying. She wiped her cheeks on her pajama sleeves. “Come in.”
Vic and Paul sat on her bed. “Hey, Ma told us what’s going on,” Paul said. “We’re pretty pissed off!”
“Yeah,” Vic added. “What the fuck? He had me fooled. I thought he was a good guy.”
“Jackie, we’re going over to his apartment to have a talk with him,” Paul said.
“Really, why?”
“Because we love you and this stinks.” Vic put up his fists. “And I’d like to get one good punch!”
“Oh geez, bailing you guys out of jail won’t help me much.”
“We won’t take it that far,” Paul said. “But we’ll feel better having a conversation with him.”
“Don’t get crazy!”
*
Vic and Paul waited outside Tony’s house until they saw him pull into the driveway and get out of the car.
“Tony, we want to talk to you,” Paul yelled.
Tony waited for them to approach him. “How can I help you, gentlemen?”
Vic’s face reddened with anger. “You know why we’re here. You think you can get our sister pregnant and then walk out on her?”
“That’s not what’s happening. Some relationships run their course and end. That’s what happened.”
“Bullshit,” Paul yelled. “You think we’re stupid? You’re a goddamned coward is what’s happening!”
“I’m not taking this shit from you two. I’m going in the house. If you don’t get off my property, I’ll call the police!”
Paul lurched toward Tony with fists ready. Vic stopped him. “Paul, we promised Jackie. Anyway, this guy’s not worth getting arrested. He’s a piece of shit! Let’s go.”
“You’re a fucking asshole, buddy,” Paul yelled as Vic pulled him away. “I hope you rot in hell!” Paul was red-faced. “Vic, I wanted one good punch. It would’ve been worth getting arrested. We could’ve kicked his ass. The prick!”
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