King Bullet

by Richard Kadrey

  “Do you even know what half of those are for?”

  “They’re sharp. That’s all I need.”

  She shoves me away.

  “And you’re going to perform this transformation with one hand?”

  “If I have to.”

  “Stop it,” she says.

  “I can’t.”

  She shoves me hard and I stumble back into the exam table. There are tears in her eyes.

  Allegra says, “Just park your ass there for a minute. I need to think.”

  “Okay.”

  After a while I’m sorry I gave Fuck Hollywood her coat back. I left the Maledictions in the pocket. Not that Allegra would let me smoke in here. Still, it would be comforting to hold and smell one.

  From the corner of the room Allegra says, “What do you want me to do?”

  I look at her. She seems shaky, but I can’t wait around forever.

  “First, take off my ears.”

  She puts a hand to her face and for a second, I think she’s going to start crying again. Finally, she takes the hand away and says, “Listen. You heal quickly, but if I take your ears off, I don’t think they’re going to just grow back.”

  “I know. It’s all right.”

  She tilts her head slightly and looks at me hard.

  “You’re not planning on coming back, are you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Yes, you do. You want me to do this and you’re just going to leave me here without even Vidocq to cry to. You’re going to leave us all.”

  I get up and go to her.

  “I promise you. If I can come back, I will.”

  Now she does start to cry.

  “I can’t do this.”

  “King Bullet is going to kill Janet. Then he’s going to destroy everything else connected to me. Including you.”

  She shakes her head.

  “There has to be another way.”

  I’m seeing and thinking clearer than I have in a long time. “There isn’t another way.”

  Tears stream down Allegra’s face.

  “I can’t.”

  I push her into a nearby chair.

  I say, “It’s okay. Just show me where there’s some Novocain or something to dull the pain and I’ll do it myself.”

  She sits there, just crying and looking at me. In a minute she gets up and pushes me away from her tools.

  “Stop it,” she says. “You’re going to fuck it all up.”

  “Then you’ll help me?”

  “Sit down on the table. And hush.”

  A few minutes later she comes to me with a syringe. She injects something into the skin around each ear.

  “Let me know when it’s numb.”

  No one talks while she arranges her tools.

  A couple of minutes later I say, “I’m ready.”

  She comes to me without hesitation. There’s a bowl with scalpels and shears. She sets towels on each side of me and pulls on nitrile gloves.

  “Are you ready?” Allegra says.

  “Yes.”

  And she begins the work.

  I can’t see anything, but I can hear every slice into the skin. Every snip of the shears where she cuts away the cartilage at the base of my lobes. I feel blood running down the sides of my face and onto my neck. Allegra wipes me clean with the towels. A lot of towels. I didn’t think ears would bleed this much.

  Finally, after what feels like an hour she says, “It’s done.”

  I touch the sides of my head. They’re smooth except for some tiny ridges of cartilage around my ear canals.

  Allegra sets the bowl on the counter and draws a long breath.

  “Now what?” she says.

  “My cheeks and forehead. I need scars.”

  “You have scars.”

  “You know what I mean. Something nasty. Something ritualistic. What do you have that will burn me?”

  She stares into space.

  “I have a few potions that might do it. Not that you’re supposed to use them that way.”

  “Get them. Then we’re going to work on my lips and teeth.”

  “What about your teeth?”

  “You have drills, don’t you? Dental drills?”

  “Sure.”

  “You’re going to drill off the edges of my teeth. Make them sharp like shark teeth.”

  She sits back down in the chair.

  “Cut you. Burn you. Drill you. What will you want after that?”

  “Remember this is for Janet. You want them back too, don’t you?”

  “Of course.”

  “Then please keep going.”

  Allegra drags herself out of the chair and goes through her cabinets.

  “I’m going to need some things. And you’re going to need a lot more painkillers.”

  “Yes, please.”

  If I was a real Shoggot, my transformation would be a lot more brutal and take maybe an hour. But what Allegra does, with all her care and knowledge, takes most of the rest of the night.

  When her sink is full of tools and towels and my blood she says, “I’m done. I can’t do any more.”

  She sinks back down into the chair, her head in her hands.

  I go to a large chrome paper-towel dispenser and look at myself.

  “Look at me. Hello, Dr. Phibes.”

  Allegra says, “Is it everything you hoped for?”

  “And more. Thank you. Ow.”

  I bite my tongue with my new pointy front teeth.

  Allegra shrugs and looks at her watch.

  “I’m numb,” she says. “I may never feel anything again.”

  “You’ll be okay. Do you have any bandages to wrap up in? I don’t want to scare any kids or dogs.”

  She gets some from a cabinet and mummifies my head.

  I say, “Thanks. Let me help you clean up the place.”

  She holds up a hand.

  “Leave it. I’ll clean it up tomorrow.”

  “Let me take you back to the apartment. You’ll be safe there.”

  Nodding a little, Allegra says, “Sure. I could use a drink.”

  “Then let’s get you liquored up.”

  She looks at me.

  “What the hell am I going to tell people?”

  “Nothing. Not a word.”

  “Not even Candy?”

  “Especially her. You’ve helped me enough. Let me deal with the rest.”

  She gently puts her hand on my mutilated cheek and bursts into laughter. I can’t help it. I laugh with her.

  “Oh my god,” she says. “Look at us. What a couple of absolute loons.”

  “The Three Stooges. Well, two. We can put out an ad for number three.”

  She laughs until there are tears in her eyes.

  “I knew someday you’d ask me to do some crazy-ass shit. I just didn’t know it would be this. Or today.”

  “Admit it. I’m your favorite patient. You get to do all your fanciest work on me.”

  She pulls me to her and says, “I love you, you complete asshole.”

  “I love you too.”

  “Now take me out of here and go save Janet.”

  I lead her out through a shadow.

  I leave Allegra in the kitchen and go straight to the bedroom. If things go the way I think they will, this is the last time I’ll probably see the place. So many good and bad memories. I’ll miss it here.

  I put the Colt down on the bed and the na’at and black blade next to it. There’s a few hundred dollars in my pocket, so I toss that down too. My shirt is soaked in sweat and streaked with blood. I drag it off me and go to the closet for another. However, it’s still dark and I’m clumsy with one hand. I knock half the goddamn clothes off the hangers and onto the floor. A moment later someone knocks on the bedroom door. They open it a crack.

  “Stark?”

  It’s Candy. When she sees me, she comes inside, gently closing the door behind her.

  “The others are still asleep. Where did you and Allegra sneak off to?�
��

  I stay in the dark of the closet.

  “Her clinic. I just needed a few stitches.”

  “Funny,” Candy whispers. “That’s the kind of thing she could have done here.”

  “I didn’t want to wake everyone.”

  She stands there frowning at me.

  “This is me, remember? I know you’re lying. What are you hiding? Come out here where I can see you.”

  “No.”

  Her frown melts from annoyance to concern.

  “Stark. What’s going on? Come out or I’ll drag your ass out.”

  “Okay. But don’t make a sound. I don’t want to wake the others.”

  I step out into the vague light filtering in through the windows.

  Candy rushes to me when she sees my bandages.

  “What happened? Who did this?”

  “Be quiet. I’m okay. This was all necessary. King Bullet won’t meet me otherwise.”

  She feels my face through the bandages.

  “What’s wrong? Let me see you.”

  I push her hand away with my one good one.

  “Fuck. Your hand.”

  “It’s all right. Allegra says it healed perfectly.”

  But Candy isn’t listening. Instead, she’s tearing at the bandages around my head. She’s a Jade. She’s good at ripping things, so it doesn’t take long. Afterward, she takes a step back, but doesn’t say anything.

  “I’m sorry,” I say.

  “What have you done to yourself?”

  “King Bullet wouldn’t let Janet go if I didn’t do it. And, I guess, I’m paying off some heavy debts.”

  She shakes her head.

  “You can’t possibly owe that much.”

  “I owe so much more than this to everyone,” I say. “You know, my life has been one big shitshow and most of it has been my fault. I thought if I hadn’t gone to see Mason that night so many bad things wouldn’t have happened. But then I thought, if I hadn’t spent all those years in Hell, I never would have met you. So, all things considered, I figure it was worth it.”

  I hold out the shirt in my hand and she helps me put it on. She looks at my things laid out on the bed and says, “Where are you going?”

  “Far away.”

  “When will you be back?”

  I don’t know what to tell her so I stand there like an idiot not saying anything, which is worse than telling her the truth.

  “Oh,” she says. “No.”

  Candy puts her hands on my cheeks and pulls me to her. Kisses me hard.

  “Whatever else has happened between us, you’re my monster. And I’m yours. Take me with you.”

  I want to tell her no, but I can’t.

  I say, “Are you sure? Look at my face. There’s no coming back for me. But if you come with me now, there’s no going back to your old life.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “You might die.”

  “I don’t care.”

  I have so much to pay for. Amends and apologies to make. But I can’t just walk away now.

  I say, “You might—”

  She grabs me and kisses me again.

  “Shut up,” she says. “Let’s go.”

  First, I shadow walk us into the hall and dial Janet’s number. King Bullet picks up.

  “How’s the hand?”

  “I did what you wanted.”

  He giggles.

  “Did you? Let me see.”

  I hold the phone at arm’s length and take a shot of myself. Hit Send.

  I know he’s received it by the big laughs that come out of the speaker.

  “Spectacular. Your outside finally matches your inside, daddy’s boy. Oh, and I shared the photo with your paramour. She’s delighted by your new look.”

  “I’m ready to make the trade.”

  “Smart boy. Meet me—”

  “No. You meet me. In Enoch Valley.”

  King Bullet doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, then, “Where the hell is that?”

  “In the desert. Buy a fucking map.”

  “No. We’re doing this my way.”

  “Not anymore. Not if you want Mommy’s necklace back.”

  “Yeah. What if I kill the bitch right now while you listen?”

  “You won’t. If you hurt or kill Janet, then you lose the moral high ground. It will only prove that Uriel was right and the Kissi are the kind of scum who deserve exile and punishment.”

  “Okay, Prince Charming. But now I want something else too.”

  “What?”

  “You wanted my head. I want yours.”

  “Like you weren’t already going to try to kill me.”

  He laughs lightly.

  “But now I don’t want to have to fight about it. You have to give yourself to me willingly.”

  “Done.”

  “Oh my. Not even a snappy comeback.”

  “I’ve been dead before. It’s no big deal.”

  “It’s not the dead part that hurts. It’s how you get there. And I’ve been planning your death for a long time.”

  “High noon then. Enoch Valley.”

  “If you try any tricks or don’t show up, I’ll burn the bitch alive.”

  I hang up on him.

  Candy says, “Is everything all right?”

  “Fine. The exchange is all set up.”

  “I don’t like you saying things like death being no big deal.”

  With my good hand, I squeeze her shoulder.

  “You can still back out of this.”

  “Not a chance.”

  “Then we have one more stop to make before we go to the desert.”

  “Where’s that?”

  “An audience with God.”

  “What?”

  “Here we go.”

  “Oh shit.”

  We come out in a hallway in the lobby of Mr. Muninn’s palace. Candy holds on to my arm like a kid who’s afraid she’s going to get lost at the circus and eaten by a lion. She looks all around.

  “This isn’t what I was expecting at all. I thought it was going to be a lot Gothier, you know?”

  “Like Frankenstein’s castle or Notre-Dame.”

  “Yeah.”

  “And instead it’s just like a nice hotel. Not a great one, but above average.”

  “Weird.”

  I take her to the elevators and push the button for the penthouse.

  “Is he going to let us in just like that?”

  “He knows we’re here.”

  “I mean, he’s God, right? I mean, isn’t he busy?”

  “He was injured in the war and has been taking some time off. I’m sure he’ll have a couple of minutes for us.”

  “I don’t even know why we’re here.”

  “You knew Doc Kinski. Uriel. My dad. Now you get to meet Grandpa.”

  She gets a little pale as we ride up.

  “I don’t think I’m ready for this. I’m not even human. What if he smites me or something?”

  I smile at her.

  “He’s not going to smite you. But he might smite me. We’ve got business to discuss.”

  Candy squeezes my arm harder.

  “I won’t let him hurt you.”

  I kiss her cheek.

  “I know you won’t.”

  It takes a couple of minutes to reach the penthouse. When we do, the doors open right up.

  I say, “See?” and stand aside so Candy can step out first. She shakes her head no, so I go out into the opulent living room and she follows. Tall windows wrap around the place, giving a view over half of Heaven. I can tell Candy wants to look, but she’s too afraid to leave my side.

  A voice comes from a room or two away.

  “I’ll be right out, children. Make yourself at home.”

  Candy mouths “Was that him?”

  I nod and take her to a turquoise tufted sofa.

  A minute later, Mr. Muninn comes in, wearing a silk robe and carrying a silver tray with a teapot on top.

  “Her
e we go,” he says. As he leans over to set things down, he glances at us and drops the tray the final couple of inches. Tea splashes on the coffee table and sugar cubes go everywhere.

  “Oh, Stark. What have you done to your face?”

  Candy reaches over and takes some napkins to wipe up the spilled tea.

  “This is my friend Candy,” I say.

  “Hello, my dear,” he says, then looks back at me. “Let me fix that awful face for you.”

  “Looking like this wasn’t my first choice. But I have to stay ugly for a meeting.”

  He looks me over and sees my missing left hand.

  “What about that? Must you remain hobbled for your meeting too?”

  I glance at the stump.

  “I guess not. Yeah. You can fix that.”

  “It’s already done. Tea?”

  I look down and my hand is back. I flex my fingers, grateful to see them again.

  “Thanks,” I say. “But there isn’t time for tea.”

  Mr. Muninn sits down across from us and fills three cups.

  He says, “I invented time, and I say there’s always time for tea.”

  He hands the cups all around.

  I take mine and set it on the coffee table. He lifts up the cup and slips a coaster under it. Candy holds hers in her lap.

  I say, “How’s Samael?”

  Mr. Muninn’s forehead creases.

  “I’d rather not discuss family business.”

  “But he’s alive. Right?”

  He looks at me hard.

  “What did I just say? Now, explain to me exactly what you did to your face.”

  “You know how you say I look bad? Well, isn’t this how you always really saw me? The Abomination? The dog-faced boy?”

  Muninn puts two sugar cubes into his tea.

  “Don’t be absurd,” he says.

  “I’m not sure I believe you, but okay. Anyway, I had to cut myself up to fix Uriel’s mess. He was a bastard. I hate to say it, but it’s the truth.”

  Muninn breathes in and out.

  “He was a foolish and ill-considered boy. Not unlike some people in this room.”

  “Sure, I’m a bastard too. But the difference is that he was part of your crew. You made an army of weak angels. And the universe is still paying for it.”

  Muninn clasps his hands together.

  “It’s true. I’ve made so many mistakes.”

  “So have I,” I say. “We both have a lot to make up for. So you have to help me and don’t give me any of that you-don’t-want-to-get-involved bullshit.”