The Hemlock Girl

by C. L. Heckman

  Jasper shifts his glance. “It’s easier to just show you.”

  I follow him out of the kitchen and down the basement steps. The humming of medical machines is the first thing I notice. Faint whispers and dim lighting make it hard to get my bearings. My heart begins to pump harder and faster as my breaths become shallow. Sweat fills my palm while it’s wrapped inside of Jasper’s and I wonder if he will let go once he realizes the puddle that our hands are now swimming in. In the far corner, below a large horizontal window, is a hospital bed. Two nurses stand on his left side and Jeanette, Josh, and Keith stand on his right. A pungent odor hits my nostrils but I try not to show any disgust.

  Jasper attempts to lead me to the foot of the bed, but I let go of his hand and hang back. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I whisper.

  Jasper takes a step forward. “Well, I have to do this.” Turning away, he walks around the bed and the nurses step aside. With no hesitation, he wraps his hand around his father’s wrist and bends down to whisper in his ear.

  This is ridiculous. I’m supposed to be his rock. Even though I’m afraid, I can’t let him see my weakness. I have to find some strength to be there for him through this, or else I can kiss Jasper goodbye forever. I slowly inch forward until I’m beside him remaining silently supportive.

  “Dad,” he says, leaning in. “This is my girlfriend, Karissa. She’s very excited to meet you, so make a good impression. No funny business. And, I know you don’t have any pants on, but she doesn’t have to know that.”

  Jeanette laughs. “Jasper!” she scolds.

  “What?” he questions. “Dad was always a jokester. You know he would be saying something crude right now if he could. I’m sure he’s thinking it.”

  “Yeah, apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Jasper,” Josh jokes.

  “Hey, it’s not my fault you’re more like Mom and I’m more like Dad. Don’t be a hater!”

  The mood is shattered when their dad takes a very loud deep breath. The nurse rushes over, listening intently to his chest with her stethoscope. I hide behind Jasper, cupping my arm in his elbow.

  “What’s going on?” Jeanette asks.

  The nurse doesn’t respond. She rushes around to the other side of his body, placing her stethoscope on multiple locations of his chest. Her fingertips wrap around his limp wrist and she stares at her watch. After a few moments, she shifts her fingers to his neck, still staring at the tiny hands clicking by as the seconds pass. “I’m sorry,” she says. “Time of death, 17:06.”

  Jasper falls to the floor and brings me down with him. The sobs in the room are deafening. I hold him in my arms as his body rocks back and forth, feeling absolutely helpless.

  Chapter 16

  Some families from Hemlock fly in for the funeral. Jeanette lends me a dress to wear, since my suitcase is lacking in proper attire. I can’t fathom going home until this whole process is over – leaving Jasper now would be torturous. Perhaps if I stay long enough, he will be in the plane seat next to me back home.

  Jasper is stoic in the limo ride to the cemetery. Jeanette wraps her hand around his, and gently coaxes his head onto her shoulder. “It’ll be ok, my son.”

  I’m convinced that Jasper has forgotten how to smile, considering he hasn’t done it in what feels like an eternity. Josh sits in the corner of the limo, staring at his lap. I glance out the tinted window, staring at the yellow line on the road as it remains steady and unyielding beneath the rubber wheels.

  Once we arrive, Jasper and Josh lend a hand carrying the casket to the grave. I walk behind, going through the motions, and hiding my own feelings through it all.

  Keith wraps his arm around my shoulder. “You ok?” he whispers.

  I shake my head, “No, but I’m not the one I’m worried about.”

  “He needs time to grieve, Riss. And, there’s no telling how much time it will take. You’re doing everything you can. It’s all part of the process. Try to have faith that things will get better with time.”

  I stand beside Jasper during the burial, holding his hand that lies limp within my tightly woven fingers. I long for the days that he squeezed me so tightly that I couldn’t pull away.

  ***

  The day ends with a wake back at his father’s house. I help Jeanette clean the empty plates and drinks as people meander home. Most of the families from Hemlock are on the same flight out of here tonight around 5:00, but Keith and I are staying until tomorrow to tie up loose ends. I stare at Jasper while I pick up plastic cups, dump the contents into the sink, and place them in a garbage bag. His face is somber, and he hasn’t said a word in over an hour. I drop the bag by the front door and join him on the couch.

  “How are you doing?” I wonder as I place my hand on his thigh.

  Jasper stands up and walks away. “I better start going through some of Dad’s things. No sense in putting it off any longer – it’s not like he’s coming back.”

  I know he’s hurting, and I’m trying to be sympathetic, but his constant rejection is wearing on me. “Do you want me to help?” I ask, hoping he will concede.

  “Whatever,” he responds.

  Jeanette smiles while she pushes me on the back. “Go on,” she whispers, encouraging me to follow him. I wish I had her grace and understanding through this, but I’m starting to get frustrated.

  I follow Jasper to his Dad’s bedroom. The door had been closed until today, holding the mystery of what lies behind it inside. The curtains are drawn on the bay window to my left. Rays of golden sunshine as bright as spotlights coast across the room like the waves of the Pacific. Two exposed beams support numerous surfboards above me, and a mural of a surfer riding a cresting wave is painted on the wall to my right. The rug beneath my feet is sky blue shag, almost perfectly matching the color of Jasper’s eyes.

  “I always loved this room,” he says with the glimpse of a tiny smile appearing on his lips. “I’m pissed that I have to tear it all down.”

  “It is a beautiful room,” I respond. “Maybe you could do something like this to your room at Hemlock. You know, to remind you of your dad.”

  Jasper leans in and kisses me on the cheek. “Maybe,” he responds. It was the first sign of affection I’ve gotten from him in what feels like an eternity, and I was almost ready to give up trying. He takes a seat on the bed and removes a drawer from his Dad’s dresser, setting it between us. Together, we begin to ruffle through the contents.

  Concert ticket stubs are plentiful, although some of them have been tainted by board wax that was left in the drawer beside them and altered in the California heat. A few broken leg bands are a tangled mess beside an empty cigarette box and a lighter. Jasper grabs the box, hoping to pull out a smoke, but instead shakes it to hear an odd noise inside.

  “What is it?” I wonder.

  Opening the flip top, Jasper finds a piece of paper folded inside. “It looks like a note,” he says with intrigue. Slowly unfolding the paper, he begins to read it. His eyes grow large, and he lets out a tiny laugh. The noise in itself fills me with joy. I haven’t heard his laugh in ages and I never realized how absolutely engulfing it was.

  “What does it say?” I ask, impatiently.

  “It’s from my dad,” he begins. “It’s a note to me.”

  “Are you serious?” I ask.

  Jasper nods his head. “It says, ‘Jasper, I know that the cigarette box was the best place to put this so that you would find it, because – let’s face it – you are MY son. I’m stoked for the dude you’ve grown to be and I hope that you follow my footsteps even after I’m gone. There is no time to be sad in beautiful Cali, so wipe those tears, and go find the joy in life again. You are radiant, my son. Don’t let my early exit ever take that away. Much love for you, Josh, and your mom. I’ll be surfing the clouds in heaven while you’re surfing the waves down here.’.”

  Jasper lets a few tears fall as he reads the note aloud. I smile and place my hand under his chin. “He wants you to find the joy again, Jasper. H
e loved you so much.”

  Jasper leans in and kisses me passionately on the lips. “I already found it, Karissa. I have you.”

  Folding the note, he shakes the cigarette box one more time to make sure there isn’t a smoke hiding in it. Something bangs against the cardboard container. “What the heck?” he says, peering into the bottom. His jaw drops, and he pushes up off the bed.

  “What is it, Jasper?” I ask.

  With a deep inhale, Jasper bends down, allowing only his right knee to fall to the floor. With his left forearm perched atop his thigh, he looks me in the eye and pulls a ring out of the menthol scented box.

  My eyes grow wide, “Jasper, what in the world are you doing?” My hands cover my mouth with pure shock. There’s no way he’s doing what I think he’s doing. “We are too young!” I blurt out. “Your mom will kill you.” Poor choice of words for the moment, but I’m going to roll with it.

  “Karissa, my dad told me my whole life to grasp the beautiful moments as they come to you. You only get one life to live, and if you’re lucky, you’ll find one love to live it with. I want you to be my one love.”

  “Are you proposing to me?”

  “Kinda,” he responds with a radiant smile. “More like a promise that we will be together forever, and then one day this ring will maybe be more like an engagement ring.”

  I push off the bed and kneel on the floor beside him. “Are you sure I’m the one you want?” I ask.

  Jasper pushes his forehead against mine. “I’ve never been surer of anything in my whole life, Riss.” He slides the ring on my finger and chills rush through my body. “My dad knew it too, that’s why he left it for me. Says so in the note.”

  I grab the paper from his hand, honing in on the final statement at the bottom. “‘The way you talk about Karissa is special. You don’t find a love like that every day. Hold on to it, son. I was supposed to hold on to your mother, but I lost her. Don’t be like me when it comes to love. Show Karissa that she is your future. Give her your grandmother’s ring. I have no use for it anymore. I was too selfish for love and it cost me everything. You aren’t me, Jasper. You are a million times better. Don’t allow the fear of the future ruin the happiness of the present. Love, Dad.’.”

  I wrap my arms around Jasper and he pulls me in closer than he ever has before. “I love you so much, Karissa. Thank you for being my rock through all of this, I know it wasn’t easy.”

  Tears stream down my face and onto the collar of Jasper’s shirt. “Forever is forever, Jasper. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Chapter 17

  “So, how you been holding up?” Keith asks from across the room. Most days I’m at his house he sits in the corner recliner and works on his sketches while I ramble on about Jasper.

  “I would be a lot better if he didn’t decide to stay in Cali for another few weeks.” I explain.

  “He’s just gotta finish things up,” Keith explains. “He will be home before you know it and you guys can go back to being annoyingly perfect together again.”

  I head outside and light a cigarette, lingering in the scent of Jasper’s smoke for just a little while longer. I hear a voice coming from the road and meander out front to investigate.

  “Karissa? Are you back there?” Jeanette calls from the driveway.

  I jog over to her, flicking my cigarette into the woods. “Jeanette?” I wonder. “What are you doing home? Did Jasper come with you? I just talked to him last night and he didn’t say anything about it.”

  “No, Jasper and Josh stayed in Cali with their aunt. They are still going through their dad’s things but I had to get back home and get stuff situated here. They shouldn’t be in Cali too much longer, though. They were thinking about listing the house next week and the realtor says it won’t take long to sell. Santa Cruz is a pretty desirable place.”

  Excitement immediately crashes into disappointment and I pull another cigarette from behind my ear.

  “Karissa!” Jeanette scolds. “When did you start smoking?”

  Ashamed, I postpone lighting it. “Always did a little, but it became more regular these last few weeks. I just miss the smell. It reminds me of him.”

  Jeanette pulls the lighter from my hand and flicks it on. Holding the flame in front of me, I place the cigarette between my lips and suck in the minty smoke. “I understand, Hun. He will be home soon. Don’t worry.” As she walks back toward her house, I decide to make a call to Jasper while taking the last few puffs of my cigarette. The phone rings seven times and then goes to voicemail.

  “Hey, Jas, it’s me. I just talked to your mom and wanted to see how you and Josh were making out on the house. Give me a call when you have time. Love you.”

  It’s unusual for him not to answer, but I figure he’s probably in a meeting with the realtor or estate lawyer. Two hours pass, and no call. The clock is getting closer to my curfew, so I decide to head home. Walking into the darkness, my phone vibrates in my back pocket and Jasper’s name fills the screen.

  I answer quickly, “Hey, where you been?”

  “Karissa, it’s Josh.”

  Nerves fly through my body as adrenaline fills my veins. “Josh, why are you calling me?”

  “I can’t get a hold of my mom. Are you at Hemlock? I need to talk to her.”

  Panic is causing my body to tremble as I rush the phone to Jeanette. Josh is silent on the other end. “Is everything ok?” I ask.

  “I just need to talk to my mom.”

  I knock on the door of the darkened house. A few minutes pass before the kitchen light turns on and Jeanette opens the door in her glasses and robe. “Karissa, what’s going on? Is everything ok?”

  I hand her the phone. “It’s Josh. He needs to talk to you.”

  With a confused look, she grabs the phone from me. “Hello?” she asks. “Yeah, my phone is right here. I don’t have any calls from you. What’s going on?”

  Jeanette’s face changes from her normal relaxed look into motherly worry. “I’m on my way.” She hands me the phone, and the screen is black. “I have to go back to California, Karissa.”

  “What? Why? Right now? Is everything ok?” I worry.

  I follow Jeanette as she hurries around the house, gathering random things in her hands and sprinting to the bedroom. She refuses to answer me.

  “Jeanette!” I scold. “Is everything ok?”

  She turns to me and places her hands on my shoulders. “Karissa, I’m not sure you can handle it if I tell you. It’s probably better that you don’t know.” She turns and walks away, placing clothes in her suitcase.

  “Is it Jasper?” I ask, hoping the answer is no.

  She looks at me – a look that lets me know something isn’t right.

  “What happened? Is he ok? You have to tell me!” I yell hysterically.

  Jeanette wraps me in her arms. “Karissa, Jasper tried to commit suicide. He’s in the hospital getting his stomach pumped. They aren’t sure if he’s going to make it. I need to catch the red-eye to California. I don’t think your parents are going to want you to go at this time of night on such short notice.”

  “He tried to kill himself?” I ask with tears in my eyes. Falling to the floor, I’m caught by Jeanette’s arms.

  “I will call your parents now, Karissa, but I’m not promising anything. I have to leave in twenty-five minutes to catch my flight. I can’t wait any longer than that. I need to go see my son. I should’ve never left. What was I thinking?”

  Absolute panic has engulfed Jeanette’s face. I can’t imagine the feeling of your child being 3000 miles away and clinging to life. Knowing that he tried to leave this world and you could’ve done nothing to stop it; worried that if he gets through this, you will have to wonder if he will try it again; wonder how you will be able to keep his head above water and not let him drown. She speeds around the house, dropping things as she walks, struggling to find sanity in this moment of absolute terror.

  “Please see if Keith can watch Roxy for me? I just g
ot her back from Paul’s mom, but I can’t take her with and I can’t just leave her here.”

  I nod my head, unable to form words.

  “I have to take this stuff out to the car. If you want to call your parents I can talk to them quick about it, but I don’t have a lot of time.”

  With little hesitation, my parents refuse to let me leave with Jeanette. After giving her a hug and walking Roxy to Keith’s house, I head home to a sleepless night.

  ***

  A few hours later, Josh calls me. “He’s in ICU. They won’t tell me much because I’m under 18 and not a parent or guardian. They are waiting for my mom to get here to give a full update, which is ridiculous. They won’t even tell my aunt. This hospital is pissing me off!” Josh yells through the phone.

  “Were you able to see him?” I ask.

  “Not yet. They said they will let me in once he’s stable. I guess they are still working on getting the pills out of his stomach. He took a lot, Karissa.”

  I’m struggling to find an answer for why he did this. He seemed to be on the mend when I left him in Cali -- he was happy and smiling. I know that losing his dad hit him hard, but I had no idea he was unstable. I sit on the brown rug of my bedroom floor and reminisce about our time together in his Dad’s bedroom. Twisting the promise ring around my finger, tears stream down my cheeks. What if I never get to see him again?

  “You still there?” Josh asks after an awkward silence.

  “Yeah,” I mumble. “Promise me you’ll keep me updated?”

  Nurses in the background grab his attention. “They said I can see him in a little while. I guess he’s out of surgery. He must be stable enough for visitors. I’ll let you know something once I know something. Try to have faith. If he makes it through this, he will need you. Talk soon.”

  The phone disconnects and I’m left alone with my thoughts. Could I have stopped him? Were there signs I missed? Why did Jeanette leave him there? She had to have known. Will he ever be the same after this? Can I handle being with someone who is suicidal?