I don’t think they were giving you this money as a present for a wonderful start to your new life—they don’t seem the type. I think they were showing you what they can do and gave you enough to keep your mouth shut. And I would if I was you and yes, I do take this very seriously Rosie.
Rosie: Oh my god, I’ve shivers up my spine! This is crazy, like a movie or something. But I can’t not tell the gardai.
Alex: Do you want to die?
Rosie: Yes, eventually.
Alex: Rosie, I’m serious. Keep the money and say nothing. Give it to charity or something if it bothers you that much. You can make a donation to the Reginald Williams Foundation for Heart Disease if you want.
Rosie: Gag, gag, puke, puke. No thanks. But the charity thing isn’t a bad idea. I think I’ll do that.
Alex: Which one will you donate it to?
Rosie: The Rosie Dunne Foundation for Women Who Haven’t Seen Their Best Friends in America for Ages.
Alex: That’s a good charity. Very needy too.
Rosie: Indeed it is. I think I’ll give it to one woman in particular who is in dire need of a bit of TLC.
Alex: Excellent idea. I’m sure the poor deprived woman will be delighted with your donation. When do you think she and her daughter will be visiting their doctor friend?
Rosie: I already booked them a flight for Friday week. They land at nine in the morning and they’ll be staying a fortnight. You’re right; giving makes me feel like such a better person.
Alex: Ha ha ha ha ha you had this all planned? I’ll be there to pick you up so.
Rosie: Good, by the way you still haven’t said anything about my job.
Alex: Job? You got a job? When? Where? What are you doing?
Rosie: Alex I’ve only left approximately 22,496 messages on your answering machine explaining this. Don’t you listen to them?
Alex: I do! But there’s never any from you. I think you’re dialing the wrong number.
Rosie: Bullshit. I think you need to keep an eye on that Bethany when she’s nosying around your apartment. She might accidentally be knocking her fake boobs against the “delete” button.
Alex: Don’t start this crap again Rosie. Beth has no quarrels with you and her boobs are not fake. You haven’t seen her for more than ten years so how would you no?
Rosie: I’ve seen the photographs in the paper and they are fake.
Alex: Whatever. So what’s the job?
Rosie: Promise not to laugh.
Alex: I won’t.
Rosie: You have to promise.
Alex: I promise.
Rosie: I’m starting in August as a secretary in St. Patrick’s Secondary School.
Alex: You’re going back . . . there? But our sentence is up! Hold on a minute . . . that means that, oh my god, you’re going to be working with Ms. Big Nose Smelly Breath Casey! Why?
Rosie: Because I need the money.
Alex: Wouldn’t you rather starve?! Why on earth did she hire you?
Rosie: I’m wondering the same thing.
Alex: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Rosie: You said you wouldn’t laugh.
Alex: Ha ha ha ha.
Rosie: You promised!
Alex: Ha ha ha ha.
Rosie: Oh bugger off.
Rosie has logged off
Dear Rosie and Katie,
Greetings from Aruba!
Having a wonderful time here in paradise!
Hope all is well with you,
Lots of love,
Mum and Dad
You have received an instant message from: RUBY
Ruby:Watch out Ireland here we come!
Rosie: Here who come?
Ruby:Gary and Ruby Minnelli.
Rosie: You’re keeping the name I see?! What are Gary and Ruby Minnelli up to now?
Ruby: Yes we’re keeping the name and Gary doesn’t even mind because it means that he’s in disguise and none of his work colleagues or friends will recognize him. The All Ireland Salsa dancing championships are on in a few months from now. A couple from each county goes forward and whoever wins becomes the Ireland champions, then there’s the European championship, and the world championship.
Rosie: So you’re going for total world domination?
Ruby: Well not quite the world but Gary and I are willing to take on Ireland.
Rosie: Gary has agreed to all this?
Ruby: Absolutely! Now that Gemma and he have broken up he’s got more time to practice.
Rosie: How does Teddy feel?
Ruby: He has no idea and that’s the way it’s going to stay. Anyway we haven’t even gotten through the Dublin heats so there’s no point in causing mayhem and bloody murdering sprees until we get further into the competition. It’s on in a few weeks, will you be there?
Rosie: I’m insulted you even had to ask!
Ruby:Thanks.
FROM:Stephanie
TO:Rosie
SUBJECT:Visit
How’s my brave little sister? I hope you’re keeping well. You’re dealing with everything that has happened so brilliantly, I’m so proud of you. I know it’s been a tough time and with me being all the way over here I feel like I haven’t been there for you like I should have been. If it’s OK with you I would love to come over and visit you. Maybe stay for a week or something. With Mum and Dad off gallivanting around the world it must be very lonely for you and with them away unfortunately the rest of us don’t meet up like we should. Maybe we should go to Kilkenny and visit Kevin, the three of us haven’t been in the same room together since I don’t know how long. (Don’t worry, we won’t go to the hotel, we can stand outside and throw eggs at the windows if you like!)
I know you’re going over to Alex so maybe I could come over the week before? (That’s next week!) To be really honest with you I need the rest as well. Jean-Louis is just too much for me right now, he’s a bundle of energy and I’m simply not, so Pierre is taking the week off from the restaurant to mind him so that I can see you.
Also I know that you’re staying with Brian so I’ll stay in a B&B down the road—I certainly wouldn’t want to upset the happy family!! Sorry, cruel joke. I haven’t seen him since your school dance when he arrived at the house wearing his navy tux (I agree with you it was definitely navy not black). It’ll be interesting to see how he turned out and I’ll give him a piece of my mind too.
If you have other plans then feel free to let me know. I could wait until you came back from your liaison with Alex!
FROM:Rosie
TO:Stephanie
SUBJECT:Liaison!
Liaison with Alex is definitely the wrong word to use! Didn’t I tell you he was a taken man? With all that’s been going on in my life recently I can’t believe I never told you that Bethany is back on the scene.
FROM:Stephanie
TO:Rosie
SUBJECT:Bethany!
Slutty Bethany? No way! I thought we were well rid of her. I’m sorry Rosie.
FROM:Rosie
TO:Stephanie
SUBJECT:Re: Bethany!
No need to be sorry for me, Alex is just my friend, same as always. As long as I’m not within a one-mile radius of her I can still be that friend. But have I a lot to tell you about Greg that I couldn’t tell you over the phone!
Of course I would love you to come over. Next week is great; in fact it couldn’t be more perfect. You see Brian the Whine’s parents have returned from the depths of hell (and are constantly complaining about the cold here, even though it’s the middle of summer and everyone is wearing shorts. Every time I open a window they shiver and pull another blanket around them. Not what they’re used to at their private villa at all). Anyway the traumatic thing is that they are staying in this very flat in a desperate attempt to get to know me and their “granddaughter.” The only thing is it’s the summer holidays and all Katie wants to do is hang around outside with Toby, not inside with two shivering, shriveled-up whinge-bags.
The flat feels even more cramped
than usual with them being here and I feel so claustrophobic, imagine I actually can’t wait to start my new job just so I can get out of the house. Toby is very funny, he keeps telling me and Katie to be nice to them so we can get to use the villa in the South of France whenever we want. So Katie and him keep making them cups of tea and bringing it to them while they’re still in bed. I know the boy is only thirteen but he has a point, so recently I started putting biscuits on their saucers.
You won’t recognize Katie when you see her Steph, she’s so grown up. Toby’s voice has broken and he’s shot up by about three feet over the summer. I find myself keeping an eye on them a bit more just in case, even though I know they’re only friends.
So you coming over my dear sister could not come at a better time. It is both a genius and life-saving idea. Plus I really miss you too! At least I’m going to have a great summer before I start the job in hell.
FROM:Rosie
TO:Kevin
SUBJECT:Steph’s visit
Steph is over from France for the week. What days are you off so that we can come down and visit you? We can all go out for a meal or something. We haven’t done that for a while.
FROM:Kevin
TO:Rosie
SUBJECT:Re: Steph’s visit
That sounds like a good plan. I don’t think the three of us have been in the same room together since Mum and Dad forced us to take baths together! I’ve good news! I’ve been promoted to the position of head chef in the hotel! I haven’t forgotten it was you that got me the job in the first place so thanks, I owe you one. I’ve got Tuesday off, so why don’t you both come down on Monday and I’ll treat you for dinner.
FROM:Rosie
TO:Kevin
SUBJECT:Re: Steph’s visit
Congratulations! And don’t thank me, you did it all yourself. Going for dinner sounds good as long as we don’t go the hotel to eat. Knowing what’s-his-name was there with her is enough to put me off it forever.
Stephanie had the wonderfully juvenile idea of me throwing eggs at the hotel to release my anger. Stock up on those eggs dear brother. We’ll be down on Monday to celebrate your good news, see you then.
* * *
Invoice Number:KIL000321
Our Reference:6444421
Fee Invoice
* * *
EUR
Fee for damage to dining room windows of Kilkenny Two Lakes Hotel:
€6,232.00
VAT @ 21%
€1,308.72
Total
€7540.72
FROM:Rosie
TO:Kevin
SUBJECT:Hard-boiled eggs?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ll never get a job in the hotel business again. You should have told me that those eggs were hard boiled. Thanks for the few days break all the same. I’m still recovering.
FROM:Rosie
TO:Alex
SUBJECT:Flight Details
My flight is landing at 9 a.m. so don’t forget!
Hello from Barbados!
We’re having such a ball! The weather is fantastic and we’ve met lots of lovely people,
Love you both,
Mum and Dad
You have an instant message from: ROSIE
Rosie: I’m baaaaack!
Ruby:Oh so you decided to come home! I’m surprised.
Rosie: Well I almost didn’t. If it wasn’t for Brian the Whine and his parents wanting to be my new best friends and ruining all my plans.
Ruby:Imagine, having to think of other people. So how did it go?
Rosie: It was just so brilliant. That’s all I can say. Pure heaven.
Ruby:You two get along well?
Rosie: Even better than usual.
Ruby:Did you—
Rosie: No!
Ruby:Did you tell him how you—
Rosie: No! Why on earth would I do that? There’s no point. If I did that then I would lose him as a friend forever and then it would all be a waste of time. He has never suggested to me that he has ever felt that way about me; remember it was me that kissed him the last time. That was embarrassing enough once never mind having to do it a second time.
Anyway he is already with someone and even if it is slutty Bethany I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I’ve been on the receiving end of that kind of treatment so I know not to go there. We had a really long chat about her anyway. He took me out for dinner one night to a really beautiful Italian restaurant and had wonderful murals of Venetian buildings painted across the walls, the restaurant had two levels, every table was in its own little alcove and you could only get to them by walking under bridges and arches. It was supposed to have the gondola trip kind of vibe. There was running water tinkling in the background which was really relaxing although it made me go to the bathroom about ten times. The restaurant was lit entirely by candles all held in big gothic-looking black holders, an insurance nightmare I would imagine but very romantic. I think he brought me there to talk about slutty Bethany and to explain the situation.
It doesn’t seem to be that serious of a relationship. He said he’s enjoying the company after being alone for so long and it’s good that she understands his long working hours but they don’t see that much of each other and he thinks she understands that it’s a very casual relationship. It sounds like he’s going to break up with her actually because he got really serious and I thought he was going to cry. It was weird; he said that she wasn’t “the one” for him.
Ruby:Then what?
Rosie: Well then we got interrupted by Josh who rang the restaurant in a right panic looking for us, he and Katie had been messing around, Katie had fallen, and they were convinced she’d broken her wrist. We had to leave straight away but we had finished dessert and so everything was finished.
Ruby:Or was just starting by the sounds of things.
Rosie: What do you mean?
Ruby: God, you annoy me so much Rosie. Can a human being really be this stupid?
Rosie: Look Ruby, you weren’t there. It’s all very well you giving me this advice but I’m the one who physically has to go and do it. I’ll tell him how I feel when it’s the right moment.
Ruby:When will it ever be the right moment for you?
Rosie: When there’s the silence again.
Ruby:What silence?
Rosie: It doesn’t matter. Anyway Katie’s fine, it was only a sprain. She can’t play basketball this week though so she’s upset about that.
Ruby:Have you penciled the big event into your diary?
Rosie: What big event?
Ruby:Rosie! The Dublin salsa dancing championships!
Rosie: I know, I was just kidding. Of course I’m going. Katie and Toby are coming too. Has Teddy had a change of heart yet?
Ruby: I can’t tell him about the competition Rosie. If I did he would probably march with his trucker mates to the Conrad Hotel and protest against men dancing in glittery suits. It’s far more enjoyable for myself and Gary if we don’t think Teddy is about to barge into the reception hall looking like Homer Simpson on a mission.
I’m, you know, proud of Gary. I don’t want Teddy and his pure ignorance and lack of intelligence to ruin something that has taken years to achieve. Whether we win, lose, or draw.
Rosie: Oh I can’t wait to see you two dancing together. I’ll bring the camera. So if Teddy ever does have a change of heart he won’t have missed the moment completely.
Ruby: Thanks Rosie, that’s a great idea. Remind me to be nicer to you in the future.
Rosie: Ha, I think I’ll take you up on that. So what are you going to wear while you’re dancing?
Ruby: Well that was proving to be a huge problem. I know all the other dancers competing will be baring flesh for all to see but the idea of my outfit will be to cover up as much as I can.
Unfortunately “Upsizes” don’t make sexy salsa dresses even for my size. Unless they expect me to wear what looks like a sheet with a hole cut out for my head to go through. Gary w
as having the same problem. So after Miss Behave got over being in a huff at being replaced, she offered to make us something. She said she’s used to “making women’s clothes for people who haven’t the natural figure of a woman.” Worryingly enough, she won’t tell us what she’s making. But I’ve told her to steer clear of pink, fluff, and rubber.
Rosie: Look forward to it!
Ba’ax ka wa’alik from Mexico!
What an adventure this is taking us on, met Charlie and Anne yesterday on the ship. Imagine they’ve been here all this time and we didn’t even know!
Hope you’re both safe and happy,
Love Mum and Dad
HAPPY 14TH BIRTHDAY TOBY,
HOPE YOU LIKE THE REMOTE CONTROL CAR I GOT YOU. THE GUY IN THE SHOP SAID THE RALLY ONES ARE THE BEST (AND THEY’RE THE MOST EXPENSIVE TOO). I GOT IT FOR YOU IN THE STATES SO I DON’T THINK ANYONE ELSE WILL HAVE THEM HERE. JOSH HAS ONE AS WELL, THAT’S WHAT I TRIPPED OVER AND SPRAINED MY WRIST ON. THEY’RE REALLY FAST!
ANYWAY HERE’S TO ANOTHER YEAR, MAYBE TEN YEARS FROM NOW YOU’LL BE POKING AT PEOPLE’S TEETH. WHY YOU WANT TO BE A DENTIST IS BEYOND ME, BUT YOU WERE ALWAYS WEIRD.
I HEARD MONICA DOYLE IS GOING OUT WITH SEAN. TOUGH LUCK MY FRIEND.
LOVE,
KATIE
FROM:Toby
TO:Katie
SUBJECT:Re: Happy birthday
He may have Monica but I have the best Rally remote control car in the world. Thanks for it. I’m gonna bring it to the crappy dance thing on Sunday. You girls can paint your nails and watch them dance while I drive my car.
Love, Rosie Page 24