FROM:Katie
TO:Toby
SUBJECT:Dance Competition
You can’t bring the car to the dance competition! How unfair to Ruby and Gary would that be if they saw you playing with that on their big day?
FROM:Toby
TO:Katie
SUBJECT:Re: Dance Competition
Fine then, you can just go with your mum then. Have a good day. Byeeee!
FROM:Katie
TO:Toby
SUBJECT:Remote control car
No no no no! Hang on! OK you can bring it but you’ll have to play with it in the corridor or something. I don’t wanna go to this thing with mum on my own; she’ll be introducing me to the entire world if you’re not there.
Aloha from Hawaii!
I’ve sent photos of me, your dad, and some people that we’ve met on the cruise. Having a ball. Heading to Samoa and Fiji next. Can’t wait!
Love to you and Katie,
Mum and Dad xxx
RUBY AND GARY MINNELLI!
GOOD LUCK!
I WAS GOING TO SAY “BREAK A LEG” BUT I DON’T THINK IT’S QUITE APPROPRIATE FOR THE OCCASION. YOU WILL BOTH BE BRILLIANT AND WE’LL ALL BE CHEERING FOR YOU.
LOVE ROSIE, KATIE, AND TOBY
You have an instant message from: ROSIE
Rosie: Congratulations you Dancing Queen! I’m so proud of you! Are you still glowing from your win?
Ruby: I’m not too sure how I’m supposed to be feeling to be honest. I really don’t think that we should be the winners.
Rosie: Oh don’t be silly! The two of you danced brilliantly. Miss Behave did such a great job on your dress. I’m surprised it was so understated for one of her creations. Black with glittery sequins looked tres chic compared to all the others. They looked like rainbows on E. Look, you won it fair and square—be proud.
Ruby:But we didn’t even get through to the final round . . .
Rosie: Well it’s not your fault the couple who came first were practicing out in the corridor. Anyone could have slipped on Toby’s stupid remote control car. It was their own fault. Anyway her ankle will heal with time. She’ll be back next year to reclaim her title.
Ruby: Yes but technically we shouldn’t have won at all Rosie, only the two couples who got to the final round were supposed to battle it out. The second couple who were in the final really should have won . . .
Rosie: Yes but once again that wasn’t your fault. It was the stupid woman in purple who tripped over Toby’s remote control Raleigh car (they’re very fast aren’t they?), knocking the drink out of Katie’s hand causing the second woman in yellow to slip and land on her backside. That automatically put you through. It’s not your fault. You should be delighted!!
Ruby: Well I am in an odd kind of way. Afternoon Ireland have asked me and Gary on their show during the week to do our winning dance and for a small interview as well and next week me and Gary are performing in Miss Behave’s show in The George.
Rosie: That’s fantastic! I’m delighted for you Ruby, my friend the superstar!
Ruby: Oh I wouldn’t even be doing all this if you hadn’t got me the vouchers for my fortieth birthday. Thanks so much Rosie, thanks for cheering for me so loudly, I heard you the whole way through the dance. And I’m really sorry, you, Katie, and Toby were asked to leave the dance hall . . .
CHAPTER 38
Rosie and Katie,
Magandang tanghali po from the Philippines!
Left the top end of Australia a few days ago, we were in Brisbane and Sydney—very beautiful. Here for a little while and moving on to China for a few days.
Love you and miss you both,
Mum and Dad
FROM:Rosie
TO:Alex
SUBJECT:Slutty Bethany
So Alex, did you dump her yet?
FROM:Alex
TO:Rosie
SUBJECT:Mind your own business
Rosie, stop! I’ll tell you when I do!
Ni hao from China!
Sorry we’re not there to help you with the move.
We wish you luck in your new apartment.
We’re sure it will bring you lots of happiness,
Love, Mum and Dad xxx
Rosie: The place is disgusting Ruby. Absolutely disgusting.
Ruby:Oh stop, it can’t be any worse than mine.
Rosie: Worse than yours multiplied by one hundred.
Ruby:Such a place exists? God bless you. What’s so bad about it?
Rosie: Well let’s see, where should I start? Hmm . . . should I tell you about the fact that it’s a second-floor apartment over a group of shops, among them being a tattoo parlor and an Indian takeaway which has managed to leave the stench of Tikka Masala all over my clothes already?
Perhaps I should tell you about the gorgeous 1970s green and gray floral wallpaper which is just dangling off the walls, and I wouldn’t want to forget the fact that there’s matching curtains too.
Hmmm . . . actually maybe I should start with the brown carpets which have very curious-looking stains embedded in the pile, as well as cigarette burns and mysterious odors. I think it’s been there for about thirty years and has never been vacuumed. The kitchen is so small that when two people stand in it, one person has to back out to let the other leave.
No wonder the rent is so ridiculously cheap; no one in their right mind would want to live here. It’s also no wonder that they were in such a rush to move out, why anyone would want to raise a child in this tip is beyond me.
Ruby:You are.
Rosie: Yes well I won’t be here for long. I’m going to magically save loads of money and get us out of here.
Ruby:And open a hotel.
Rosie: Yes.
Ruby:And live in the penthouse.
Rosie: Yes.
Ruby:And Kevin can be the head chef.
Rosie: Yes.
Ruby: And Alex the in-house doctor so that he can save the lives of those you poison.
Rosie: Yes.
Ruby:And you’ll be the owner and manager.
Rosie: Yes.
Ruby:So what I can be?
Rosie: The head cleaner.
Ruby:Your downfall.
Rosie: Only joking. You and Gary could be the evening entertainment. You can salsa till you drop.
Ruby: Sounds like heaven to me. Well Rosie, you better get your ass in gear and get this hotel business off the ground before we’re all old and gray.
Rosie: I’m working on it, but in the meantime I start work part-time (with the work experience kids) which consists of printing up the school letters explaining the return dates for the kids next month, we put them in envelopes, stick a stamp on them, lick them closed, and post them. I don’t know about you but I’m enthralled by that idea. But at least it’s only for a few weeks and when the kids start back at school then I work full-time.
Apart from that I’m trying to make this kip of a place look like a home. Brian the Whine has been very helpful believe it or not. He’s hired out a sander for the day and tomorrow we’re going to rip up those smelly carpets and sand and varnish the floors in all the rooms. I’m frightened to think of what we’ll find under them. Probably a few dead bodies.
Katie and Toby are having great fun tearing the wallpaper off the walls, what’s left of it anyway. We’re going to paint the walls white, because even with a million-watt bulb the place still looks like a cave. It needs brightening up and I’m going for the minimalist look, not because I’m trendy and fashionable but because I don’t really have that much furniture. I’m going to pull down the old floral curtains and burn them in a ritual.
My darling brother Kevin was only too delighted to come to Dublin and raid what’s-his-name’s house for all my leftover belongings which he only too gladly gave him probably because he was so terrified of having his nose broken again. I even got the black leather couch which was in the house before I married him but hey, I deserve it.
Ruby:It sounds like it’s going to
be lovely Rosie. A real home.
Rosie: Now all I need to do is get rid of the smell of curry that’s floating around and seeping through the walls of the entire building block. It’s turned me off Indian food forever.
Ruby: Now that’s the best diet I’ve ever heard of. Live over a restaurant and the smell will make you sick of food.
Rosie: I think you’re on to something there.
Ei Je from Singapore!
Having such a wonderful time we don’t want to come home!
Good luck with your new job this week love, we’re thinking of you here as we lounge by the pool! (Just joking)
Love,
Mum and Dad
You have received an instant message from: ALEX
Alex: Have you a minute to chat?
Rosie: No sorry, I’m busy licking stamps.
Alex: Oh, OK. Can I call you sometime later?
Rosie: I was only joking Alex. Ms. Big Nose Smelly Breath Casey has asked me to put together the year’s first newsletter so I’m on the school website trying to figure out what happened or is happening that’s worth writing about.
Alex: How’s the job?
Rosie: It’s OK. I’ve been here a few weeks now so I’ve settled in and it’s going OK. Nothing to write home about.
Alex: Sorry I wasn’t in touch sooner. I hadn’t realized it had been so long. Time has been flying by once again.
Rosie: It’s OK. I assumed you were busy. I’ve moved into my apartment now and everything.
Alex: Oh gosh that’s right. How is it?
Rosie: It’s OK. It was absolutely dire when we first moved in. The place stunk, there was mold growing on the ceilings, damp rising up the walls but Brian the Whine was a really good help. He fixed all that was broken and cleaned what was dirty. Just like a regular little slave.
Alex: So are you and he getting along then?
Rosie: Better. I only have the urge to strangle him ten times a day now.
Alex: Well it’s a start. Any romance?
Rosie: What? With Brian the Whine?!
Alex: Yes.
Rosie: You need your head examined. The man was created for scraping mold and sanding floors only.
Alex: Oh. Anyone else in your life?
Rosie: Yes actually. A 13-year-old daughter, a new job, and a drawer full of bills. My hands are pretty full at the moment. Although my neighbor did ask me to go out on a date with him this weekend.
Alex: Oh right. So are you going out with him?
Rosie: Let me tell you a little bit about him first and then maybe you can help me with the dilemma I’m faced with.
Alex: That’s what best friends are for.
Rosie: His name is Sanjay, he’s sixty years old, and he’s married, lives with his wife and two sons, and owns and runs the Indian takeaway downstairs. Oh and you’ll never guess where he invited me out for dinner.
Alex: Where?
Rosie: His Indian takeaway downstairs. He said he would pay.
Alex: So what’s your dilemma?
Rosie: Very funny.
Alex: Well at least you have friendly neighbors.
Rosie: He’s not the nicest by far. Beside me there’s the owner of the tattoo parlor (which is also below my flat). I can’t even tell what color he is underneath the tattoos he has covering his body from head to toe. He’s got beautiful long black silky hair that he ties back in a plait and a neatly trimmed goatee framing his mouth. He wears leather trousers, a leather waistcoat, and size a million steel-toed biker boots every day. When he’s not drilling away on somebody’s skin downstairs he’s blaring music from his flat beside me.
Alex: Trust you to move in beside a heavy metal fan.
Rosie: That’s where you’re wrong. His name is Rupert; he’s thirty-five years old, a graduate of the prestigious Trinity College Dublin where he got a degree in Irish History and a master’s in Irish Literature. James Joyce is his idol and across his chest is the quote: “Mistakes are the portals of discovery.”
He’s a huge fan of classical and opera music and at 5 p.m. every evening when he’s closing up and cashing up the till for the night he blares Brahms Piano Concerto Number 2 in B flat major, Op 83. After that he heads up to his flat where he proceeds to cook the most savory and delicious-smelling meals and settles down to read James Joyce’s Ulysses for the billionth time while listening to the sounds of The Best of Pavarotti blasting out from his speakers (paying particular attention to Nessun Dorma).
Katie and I practically know all the words to it by this stage and Toby stuffs a pillow up his shirt, stands up on the couch, and mimes along to the music.
At least Rupert is educating the children. Katie is going crazy about mixing Nessun Dorma into a dance song she’s created on her new set of decks. Brian the Whine bought them for her which made me really angry because I was planning on getting them for her as a Christmas present. But I’ve made her keep them in his rented house so that she doesn’t disturb the neighbors. Although to be honest I really don’t know why I bothered caring with all the other noises and smells going on around us.
Oh yes and did I mention that Joan of Arc is living across the hall from me.
Alex: Ha ha, no you didn’t.
Rosie: Well this woman (her name is either Joan, Mary, or Brigid, something meaningful in a religious way) and she’s only in her late twenties. She came over to say hello the first day we moved in and when she realized that it was just Katie and I moving in and that my singledom was not due to the tragic loss of my husband she left rather rudely and hasn’t spoken to us since.
Alex: Well at least she’s quiet.
Rosie: Just because she ignores me, the sinner of the apartment block, it doesn’t mean she’s quiet. Every Monday evening I noticed there seem to be a large herd of elephants making their way upstairs to our level and going into Joan of Arc’s flat. After further investigation I noticed that it was in fact the same twenty people who visited every week all bearing gifts of Bibles in their hands.
My further powers of investigation led me to believe that she was holding Bible reading groups every week. Now she’s put a sign up on the door saying, “Ye shall walk after your LORD, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him.”
I mean, what does “cleave” mean? Whoever has heard of such a word?
Alex: Ha ha Rosie, oh I really don’t no!
Rosie: You mean KNOW not NO. You will never learn will you?
Alex: I think not.
Rosie: Then down the hall from me are a family from Nigeria. Zareb and Malika and their 5 kids. And I thought the place was too small for just me and Katie.
Alex: Sounds like Phil and Maggie and their kids. How are your mum and dad?
Rosie: My multilingual mum and dad you mean? Well they’re having the time of their lives away from all of us. Mum recently celebrated her sixtieth; she sent me a postcard saying, “Zdravstvuite from Russia!” I can just imagine the two of them enjoying themselves like an old couple from the Love Boat. Speaking of the dreaded L word, what was with all the personal questions about my love life?
Alex: Because I want you to find someone that’s why. I want you to be happy.
Rosie: Alex, I’ve never found happiness with another human being and you know it. I’m separated from my husband; I’m not looking for another victim just yet. Possibly never.
Alex: Never?
Rosie: Possibly. Well I’ll never marry again that’s for sure. I’m getting used to my new life again. I have a new apartment, a new job, a teenage daughter, I’m 32 years old and I’m entering a new phase of my life. I think I’m finally growing up. Anyway there’s nothing wrong with being single. Being single is the new black. You should know.
Alex: I’m not single.
Rosie: Not yet.
Alex: No I’m not. I won’t be.
Rosie: Why, have you changed your mind?
Alex: My mind was never made up in the first place to be changed.
&
nbsp; Rosie: Oh dear, hello Mr. Chicken Shit, my name is Rosie Dunne. Nice to meet you.
Alex: I’m not chicken shit. I never said I was going to end mine and Beth’s relationship.
Rosie: Well it sounded like that to me when we discussed it at dinner last month.
Alex: Yes well never mind that dinner, my head was elsewhere. I didn’t quite get to finish that conversation . . . So what I’m saying is that I want me to be happy with Bethany and you to be happy with someone and then we’ll both be happy with people. I don’t like the idea of you being without someone when I’m with someone. It’s an awful waste of a woman. (Joke.)
Rosie: I know what it is. You just don’t want me to be single because I’m a distraction to you. If I’m with a man then you think that perhaps you just might be able to keep your hands off me. I know deep down that’s what this is all about. I’ve sussed you out Alex Stewart. You love me. You want me to have your babies. You can’t stand another day without me.
Alex: I . . . don’t no what to say . . .
Rosie: HA! Bloody hell Alex I was only joking. No need to get all serious on me. So tell me. What happened to make you change your mind about Bethany?
Alex: Oh not back to this again . . .
Rosie: Alex I’m your best friend, I’ve known you since I was five. No one knows you better than I do. I’m asking this for the very last time and do not lie. What happened to make you change your mind about breaking up with slutty Bethany?
Alex: She’s pregnant.
Rosie: Oh dear god. Sometimes because you’re my best friend I think that you’re normal, like me. Then every now and again you remind me that you’re a man.
Phil: Hold on a minute Alex. Last year you were trying to break up Rosie’s marriage and now you’re telling me that you want her to meet somebody new?
Love, Rosie Page 25