Courageous Love

by KC Richardson

  Alex held up her hands and shook her head. “No. No. I can’t take anymore. This can’t be happening. I’m only thirty-two years old.”

  The doctor handed her some more tissues and placed her hand on Alex’s knee. “Ms. Taylor, the sooner we know what we’re dealing with, the sooner we can start to treat it. We can do the biopsy right here and now.”

  Her entire body went numb, and she swallowed the bile that was quickly ascending her throat. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t have anyone there with her. This was supposed to be just a simple exam to put Frank’s mind at ease. Frank. Jesus. How was she going to tell her? She already went through so much with her sister. Now she was going to have to deal with this. Would Frank be able to handle her being sick? Fuck. She didn’t know what to do.

  “Ms. Taylor. Alex. I really think you need to have this done. We can call someone to come be with you.”

  Alex thought about it, but her people, Frank, Jordan, and Kirsten, were all at work, and it would take too long for them to get there. She just wanted it over with so she could go home, crawl into bed, and pull the covers over her head. “Do I need a ride home after the procedure?”

  “No. We’ll use a local anesthetic to numb the area. We can do it right here and get it sent to the pathology lab. Since it’s Thursday afternoon, you’ll probably get the results on Monday.”

  “Monday? I have to wait all weekend, pretend to go on with my life as usual? Like everything’s fine?” Alex’s voice rose and her body shook. How could she wait three fucking days to get the results?

  “I know, and I really wish we could know something today, but we have to send it to an outside lab. I’ll put a rush on it, but Monday will be the earliest.”

  Alex waved her hand in the air and blew out a forced breath. “Fine. Just do it now.” She just wanted to go home.

  “Lie down and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  She covered her face with her hands and squeezed her eyes shut. She would do anything to make this day go away.

  Dr. Nguyen returned with Diane and some needles. She injected Alex’s breast with lidocaine and got set up as they waited for the area to numb. The doctor inserted the needle into the lump, but all Alex felt was pressure. Because the lump was palpable, Diane didn’t need to use the ultrasound to guide the needle. Alex flinched when she heard a click.

  “That’s the needle and sampling instrument getting the tissue. We’ll do this six times to make sure we get a sufficient sample.”

  Alex stared blankly at the ceiling as the doctor continued to take the tissue—her tissue. She tried to remove herself from the room and return to her happy place at the park, but within a few minutes, the doctor and Diane were helping her sit up. The doctor placed a small, round, flesh-colored Band-Aid at the site of the intrusion.

  “Okay, Alex, we’re all done for today. Are you sure there’s nobody we can call for you?”

  Alex shook her head and continued to stare into space.

  Dr. Nguyen placed her hand on Alex’s shoulder. “We’ll call you when we get the results.”

  Diane led her back to the room that held her clothes and purse. She was in a daze as she slowly dressed and left the office. She managed to find her way back to her car and was relieved no one was around when she vomited into the bushes. Beads of sweat broke out on her face from the exertion and she tried to wipe them away. She waited until she was sure nothing more would come up, then she took a swig of her water, swished it around her mouth, and spat it out. Her hands shook when she tried to unlock her car. It took a couple of attempts, but she was finally able to get in. She pounded her fists against the steering wheel, then gripped it tightly as she let out a wracking sob. She wasn’t sure how long it took for the tears to stop and her body to stop shaking, but she finally felt she had a little more control. As if on autopilot, she was finally able to drive herself home.

  *

  Frank arrived home after shift and was surprised Alex’s car wasn’t in the driveway. She said she’d meet her there after work, didn’t she? She scrolled through the last text she had from Alex and it did say she would meet Frank at her house. She sent off a quick text to Alex letting her know she was home. She went inside and played with Bella for a little while before starting dinner. She realized she’d been home for thirty minutes and hadn’t heard back from Alex. She called Alex and it went straight to voice mail. That was odd. Could she still be at her appointment? Maybe she got called in to work, but she was sure Alex would’ve at least texted her to let her know. She left a message for Alex to call her. She thought about calling Jordan to see if she’d heard from Alex, but decided against it.

  By the time dinner was ready, she still hadn’t heard from Alex. It wasn’t like her to be so quiet, and Frank felt dread in the pit of her stomach. She made another call, this time to her friend Julie, who would look after Bella sometimes. “Hey, it’s me. Would you mind taking Bella for the night? I was expecting Alex over an hour ago and I haven’t heard from her. I have a feeling something’s wrong and I need to go look for her.”

  “Of course. I’ll be over in half an hour. Let me know what you find out.”

  “I will, Jules. Thanks.”

  She grabbed her keys and wallet, said good-bye to Bella, and hastily left her house. She sat in her truck for a moment to organize a game plan. She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead, trying to focus on what should be her first move. She decided to go by Alex’s house first, then, if she wasn’t there, swing by Jordan’s.

  Frank hadn’t been to Alex’s all that often since she had Bella at home, but she’d gone over for dinner a few times or swung by to pick her up for a date. Alex lived in a two-story townhome about twenty minutes from where she lived. Driving through the city had never taken so long. At least it seemed like an eternity for Frank. She drove these streets repeatedly while on shift and knew them like the back of her hand. Even though she was taking a shortcut, it seemed interminable.

  She was relieved and worried when she pulled up and saw Alex’s car in her parking space. She wondered how long Alex had been home and why she didn’t answer. Her heart thudded through her chest as she thought Alex might be in some sort of danger. She unlocked her glove box, removed her gun, and took off in a full sprint to Alex’s door. She was thankful they had enough sense to give each other a key to their respective homes “in case of an emergency.” Frank keyed the lock quietly and entered Alex’s home with her gun at her side. The house was dark, and it took a moment for Frank’s eyes to adjust. She stealthily made her way up the stairs and down the hall toward Alex’s bedroom, where she found the door wide open and Alex lying in a fetal position on her bed. She flicked the safety lever on her gun and placed it on the dresser before she slowly approached her. Her heart continued to race, and she found it difficult to catch her breath.

  “Alex? Baby?”

  “Go away,” Alex mumbled.

  Frank stopped. “What’s going on?”

  “Please, Frank, just go.”

  Frank took another step closer and stopped again when Alex turned over, away from her. “Honey, you’re scaring me. Please tell me what’s wrong. What happened?”

  Alex began crying, ragged breaths echoing through the silent room, and Frank closed the gap between them in two long strides. She sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her hand along Alex’s back.

  “They did a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. The doctor said I had a mass and did a biopsy.”

  Frank had a hard time understanding what Alex said. The words were halting between gasps of breath while she sobbed. She stopped moving her hand and her eyes filled with tears. “Is it cancer?”

  Alex cried harder but didn’t answer Frank’s question. Frank lay down behind her and wrapped her arms around Alex. She didn’t let go even when Alex’s body stiffened from the contact. This wasn’t the time to lose her shit. She needed to be strong for Alex, needed—no, wanted—to comfort her, soothe her, take care of her. “I’m here, baby. I’m he
re. Everything’s going to be all right.”

  Alex pulled out of Frank’s arms and started pacing. “How can you say that? You don’t know that I’ll be all right.”

  Frank stood and approached Alex. “I do know. I can’t lose you. I love—”

  “Don’t! Don’t say it, Frank,” Alex pleaded as she held up her hand and took a step back.

  Frank held up her hands in surrender but took a step, then another toward Alex. “Okay, I won’t say it. Not yet anyway. But please don’t push me away. Let me help you. I want to be here for you.”

  Alex’s legs gave out, and Frank lunged and caught Alex, preventing her from falling to the floor. She picked her up and carried her to bed. When Alex crawled under the covers, Frank kicked out of her shoes and took off her pants, opting to remain in her shirt. She got into bed, lifted her arm, and was relieved when Alex moved closer and snuggled up against her side. She peppered kisses all around her head and held her tight. “I promise to take care of you, Alex. I’ll do anything you need.”

  The deep, even breathing coming from Alex told her she wouldn’t be receiving an answer. Silently, she pleaded, “Please, Toni, keep an eye out for Alex. She’s very special to me and I can’t lose her. Losing you nearly killed me, and I don’t think I have it in me to go through it twice. I love her and I’ll do everything in my power to keep her safe.” Frank fell asleep with the feeling that another set of arms was wrapped around her like a security blanket.

  *

  “Frank, try not to worry about Alex.”

  Frank saw Toni sitting next to her on the bed and felt her hand in her sister’s hand. “Toni?”

  “Hey, sis. I want you to know that she’s going to be okay. She’ll have a fight ahead of her, but you two are going to live a long, happy life. Just make sure you’re there for her. Let her vent her frustrations, let her yell, let her cry, and make her laugh.”

  “I tried to do that for you, Toni, but it didn’t help. You left me.”

  “I know, honey, but it wasn’t because of anything you did or didn’t do. I was too afraid to go see the doctor when I first felt the lump. I foolishly thought that if I ignored it, it wasn’t really there. But Alex caught it.”

  “I’m afraid, Toni. I don’t want to lose her.”

  “I promise you won’t. Not to say you two won’t have your ups and downs, but you’ll have a full life together. By the way, nice job. She’s perfect for you.”

  “I think so too. And I’m so glad you’re able to watch over us.”

  “I’m watching, sis. But I have to go now. I’m doing important things up here. Nonna and Nonno wanted me to tell you to behave yourself. We love you and we’re always here with you.”

  Frank opened her eyes, and they felt like grit from sandpaper. She was exhausted from the emotional night before.

  She wanted more time with her sister, even if it was just through dreams. When Toni came to her deep in the night, she was beautiful and healthy, like she was before the cancer had ravaged her body. In the end, Frank had barely recognized the one woman she had spent her whole life with, but the woman who came to her at night was the face she recognized when she looked in the mirror.

  She felt Alex start to stir, and it brought her back to the present. Alex looked at her with red, puffy eyes and put her head back on Frank’s chest.

  “I got snot all over your shirt last night.”

  Frank squeezed her tight. “I don’t mind. I like everything about you—even your snot.”

  “We should probably talk about what happens next.”

  Frank cupped her chin to get Alex to look at her. “We wait for the biopsy results, then we go from there. That’s what happens next.”

  “But what if it’s cancer?”

  “What if it’s not?”

  “Frank, I don’t want you to have to go through this again. We haven’t been together very long, and if you want to call it quits, I’ll understand. No hard feelings.”

  Frank was speechless. Even though she believed Alex’s words were sincere, they cut her to the core. She got out of bed and roughly pulled on her pants. She began pacing around the room, running her fingers through her hair in disbelief, stopping occasionally to look at Alex, who was watching her.

  “What kind of asshole do you think I am? Do you think so little of me, that I would look for a way out?” Frank said.

  “I didn’t mean—”

  “Stop, Alex. I haven’t been with you for the past few months just so we could have sex. If you were just some woman I liked to have in my bed, I wouldn’t have come looking for you last night. I was attracted to you the first moment I laid eyes on you, but you’ve come to mean a lot to me. I”—love you—“care about you, and I thought you cared about me.”

  Alex crawled to the edge of the bed and knelt on her knees. “I do care about you, Frank, but I also know what you went through with Toni, and I was trying to spare you more pain…because I care about you.”

  She stepped closer and placed her hands on Alex’s shoulders. “Then show me. Let me be here for you.” The pressure in her chest eased slightly when Alex hugged her.

  “I’d really like that.”

  “Good.”

  “I think I want to tell Jordan and Kirsten today. I could use all the positive vibes and emotional support I can get.”

  “Okay. Would you like me to go with you?”

  The sad look on Alex’s face when she nodded made Frank want to cry, but she held her tears in check. She leaned down and kissed Alex. “Good. Let me call Julie and let her know our plans. She came and got Bella last night, and I want to let her know I found you.”

  Alex hugged her. “I’m sorry I worried you. I just wanted to be alone, but I’m glad you came to be with me last night.”

  “I was worried, but I was relieved you were safe.”

  “I’m going to take a shower. Call Julie and start the coffee, will you? I need all the caffeine I can get this morning.”

  “On it. Take your time.”

  After she finished her call and brewed the coffee, she began making breakfast. She wasn’t that hungry and wasn’t sure if Alex felt like eating, but they needed to get something in their stomachs. She had their coffee and food on the table by the time Alex emerged from her bedroom. The sight of her made Frank’s stomach clench. Alex looked so small and fragile and young dressed in her oversized T-shirt and pajama bottoms with her wet hair combed back. She pulled the chair out for Alex to sit. “I made us some breakfast.”

  Alex gave her a sad smile. “I’m not hungry.”

  “I’m not either, but we have to try and eat. Just take a few bites of the toast at least. We can put the eggs in a storage container and you can eat them some other time.”

  Alex took a small bite of her toast, as did Frank. They each managed to make it through one slice as they sipped their coffee.

  “I sent Jordan a text asking if we could come over. She said they’d be home all day, but I told her we’d be there within the hour if that’s okay. I want to get this over with.”

  “Sure. Let’s swing by my house so I can take a quick shower and change into some clean clothes. You go get dressed and I’ll clean up the kitchen.”

  Frank got the dishes washed and dried, then retreated to Alex’s room. She found her standing in front of her mirror, naked, touching her breast as a tear fell down her cheek. She quickly crossed the room and stood behind Alex, wrapping her arms around her waist. Their eyes met in the mirror. “We’ll get through this.”

  Alex nodded and stepped out of Frank’s embrace. She went over to her chest of drawers and removed the clothes she’d wear. She pointed to Frank’s gun, which she had placed there the night before. “What’s with that?”

  “I didn’t know what I’d be walking into last night, if you were in trouble, so I brought it in as backup.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m just glad you were safe. Come on, get dressed.”

  They left the house ten minute
s later, and it only took another ten for Frank to shower and dress before driving over to Jordan and Kirsten’s.

  Jordan answered the door and looked at them both before asking, “What’s wrong?”

  Alex hugged her, then Frank. “Geez, that’s some way to greet your best friend. Where’s your better half?”

  “She’s putting Aiden down for a nap.”

  Alex looked at her watch. “Isn’t it a little early for one?”

  “Normally, but he was up all night with chest congestion, which means we were up too. I’m glad we have Fridays off so we can take a nap later. Now, what’s wrong?”

  “I’d rather wait to tell you when Kirsten is here.”

  Alex ducked into the kitchen, and when Jordan looked at Frank, she just shrugged, not wanting to give anything away. Alex returned with four bottles of water as Kirsten sat next to Jordan on the couch. Alex took a seat next to Frank on the love seat across from them and reached for Frank’s hand.

  The anxious eyes on her made Alex’s pulse race, and she decided to dive right in and not stop until she finished her story. “I found a lump in my left breast last weekend. Yesterday, I saw my doctor, who didn’t think it was anything to worry about, but I asked her for a mammogram anyway. The breast center was able to fit me in an hour later, and with the mammo and ultrasound, the doctor saw a mass and biopsied it. I’ll get the results on Monday.” The words came out so quickly, she had to remember to breathe. The silence that filled the room was deafening, and Jordan and Kirsten stared at her with their mouths open, speechless.

  Jordan blinked, then cleared her throat and shook her head. “Um, what?”

  Kirsten grabbed Jordan’s hand and placed her other hand over her mouth, apparently still not knowing what to say. This was why Alex didn’t want to tell them right away, at least not until she got the results. But she needed her friends, especially today. She had her meltdown last night and a little more this morning, but now was the time to put on her brave face and help Jordan and Kirsten through this shocking news.

  “I know this isn’t what you expected me to say, and I didn’t want to tell you until I had a diagnosis, but I really need some positive juju from you guys.”