When the light turned green, Frank pulled into a parking lot and turned off the ignition. “Baby, I already told you I wasn’t going anywhere. All that matters to me is that you’ll be okay. We still have a long road ahead of us, but I’m going to be there every step of the way, loving you the best as I can.”
Alex still had her reservations. She knew Frank meant it, but things happened, feelings changed, and Alex wasn’t ready to tell Frank yet that she loved her too. She was too vulnerable, and this was the only way she felt she could protect herself. But that didn’t mean she had to behave so badly toward her. “I’m sorry, Frank. I know what you said, and I’ll try to be better.”
Frank reached across the center console to kiss Alex. Alex had to turn her body to accept the kiss and winced as she felt her bandages pull. She turned back into her seat and refastened her seat belt. “We better get to my parents’ house. They’ll be wondering where we are.”
Frank started her truck and pulled back into traffic. The remainder of the drive was spent in silence, but Alex offered up an olive branch when she reached across the console and intertwined her fingers with Frank’s. They arrived and parked behind Jordan’s car as they were exiting. Kirsten had Aiden in her arms, and when he saw Alex, he shrieked and reached for her.
“Awex.”
Alex wanted to take Aiden in her arms and hold him close, but she couldn’t do any heavy lifting. Kirsten held on to him as Alex took his little hand and kissed it. “Let’s go inside so you can sit on my lap, monkey.”
“Remember, Aiden, Auntie has an owie and you have to be still.”
This sucked. Aiden didn’t know any better and just wanted Alex to hold him. As soon as they got inside, Kirsten sat next to Alex on the couch. Alex was anxious to have him in her lap, his tiny arms around her neck. Life didn’t get any better than when she was around Aiden, giving and receiving love from her little angel. Once he was in Alex’s lap, he looked up at her with his questioning blue-green eyes.
“Owie?”
“Yes, baby, I have an owie, but if you give me a kiss, I’ll feel better.”
Aiden placed his hands on Alex’s cheeks and gave her a sloppy kiss. Alex did start to feel better after that kiss. No matter what happened, she would always have this bond with Aiden. She snuggled him into the right side of her chest and repeatedly kissed him on his head, breathing deeply to memorize his smell.
Jordan and Frank went into the kitchen to help with dinner, and Alex turned to Kirsten. “I’ve been an asshole to Frank.”
Kirsten grinned. “I heard.”
“What? Oh, Jordan must have told you how I spoke to Frank at the hospital today.”
“All she said was that Frank seemed hurt when you told her you’d rather stay at your parents’ than with her. Why did you change your mind?”
“I don’t want her to see me naked.”
“Honey, she’s seen you naked before.”
“Not like this. She saw the old Alex naked. Old Alex was sexy with great tits. New Alex has one tit and one large scar. Hell, I don’t even want to see myself naked.” Alex had a different relationship with Kirsten than she did with Jordan. Jordan was like her sister, and there were very few things they didn’t talk about. But Kirsten was more like a girlfriend she could talk to about things she didn’t feel comfortable talking to Jordan about.
“You’re afraid she’ll freak out? That she’ll run out screaming?”
“Something like that.”
“Al, she must have seen Toni’s scar. She knows what to expect.”
“It’s different though. Toni was her sister. I’m her lover. She’d look at it differently. I’m the one she has sex with. How could she get turned on while looking at my scar?”
“Honestly? She’ll probably hardly notice it. If it were Jordan, I wouldn’t care. All that would matter was that she was still alive and that we could make love.”
“I understand, but you two are married with a kid. Frank and I are just dating. There’s no real commitment there. I mean, we’re dating exclusively, but we haven’t really discussed any long-term plans, like moving in together or anything. How do I know she’ll stay?”
“You don’t, but you have to at least give her a chance. Stop trying to push her away and allow her to care for you.”
Alex knew Kirsten was right, but she still wasn’t ready for Frank to see her naked. Maybe one day, but not yet.
*
They all sat around the table at dinnertime, but Frank noticed Alex was pushing her food around her plate more than she was actually eating. Frank suspected Alex’s appetite could be diminished from the aftereffects of the surgery, but she didn’t think so. Alex wasn’t really engaging in any of the conversations, and she had yet to look at Frank, seemingly avoiding any sort of eye contact. After what they’d gone through together, the intimate moments they shared, it hurt Frank tremendously that Alex was ignoring her. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. Alex wasn’t talking to anyone unless it was to answer a question. The normally outgoing, funny, caring woman Frank had fallen in love with was nowhere to be seen. She fervently hoped Alex would once again be able to smile and laugh as this journey moved forward.
Once dinner was finished and the dishes were cleaned, Jordan and Kirsten hugged everyone good-bye and carried their sleeping son out to their car. Frank was conflicted. Part of her wanted to stay, to curl up on the couch with Alex, and just be with her. The other part felt like Alex wouldn’t welcome that idea and that she just wanted to be left alone. The decision was made for her when Alex said she was tired and ready for bed. Frank hugged Bruce and Kathleen then asked Alex to walk her to the door.
Before she opened it, she turned to face her and held Alex’s hands in hers. “I know things are going to be different for a while and you’ll have a lot going on, but I love you and I want to help you in any way you need.”
“I know, but right now I just need some time alone to think about things.”
“What things, sweetheart?”
“Everything. I’m so overwhelmed with all that’s happening—the surgery, the aftercare—everything I’ve gone through and everything that’s coming up.”
“You don’t have to do this alone,” Frank said as she cupped Alex’s cheek. “I’ll give you the time you need, but I’ll be here for you when you’re ready. I love you.”
“Thanks.” Alex kissed Frank’s cheek, opened the door for Frank to leave, and then closed it softly behind her. It wasn’t lost on Frank that Alex didn’t acknowledge that she would call her or keep in touch. Frank decided on the drive home that she wouldn’t pester Alex. As much as it would kill her, she’d let Alex have the time she needed and hope that Alex would decide she needed Frank.
She was greeted at the door by an excited Bella. She got on the floor and allowed Bella to lick her face and climb all over her to express how much she missed her. When Bella finally calmed down, Frank went into the kitchen and grabbed a beer that was left over from some barbecue party a few weeks back. She popped off the top and went to sit on the couch. Bella jumped up next to her and laid her head in Frank’s lap. As she repeatedly ran her hand over Bella’s back, her tears fell.
Chapter Twenty-six
Alex spent her first full day at her parents’ house crying and wallowing in pity. After what she’d gone through so far, she felt she deserved to have her own pity party. Toward the late evening, her mother brought Alex’s dinner to her room, just as she had done with breakfast and lunch. Alex had told her mom that she wanted to be left alone, and her mother had respected her wishes for the most part, except for the meal delivery. Alex didn’t even look at her mom as she placed the tray of food on the dresser. Even though Alex had moved out of that house years ago, her parents never changed a thing, telling her it would always be her room.
Alex was lying in bed facing the wall when she felt her mom climb into bed behind her. Her mother began to rub Alex’s back, and even though she said she wanted to be alone, she soaked up the affection her
mom was showing her. After a few minutes, her mother finally spoke.
“It’s time to buck up, buttercup.”
Alex flinched and turned her head to see her mom. “Excuse me?”
“I said it’s time to buck up. I’ve allowed you this day to cry, think, feel sorry for yourself, and whatever else you needed to do, but it ends tonight.”
Alex’s eyes widened and her mouth flew open. “I can’t believe you’re treating me this way.”
“Honey, I can’t believe I have to treat you this way. But your dad and I refuse to let you go down this rabbit hole.”
Alex sat up and pulled the covers to her chest. “I just had my breast removed because of cancer, Mom. I have every right to feel this way.”
“I know this has been difficult for you. It’s been difficult for all of us. But you need to realize a few things. One, Dr. Moreno got the cancer and feels very optimistic for your recovery. Two, the way you’ve been treating Frank has been awful. You need to start behaving nicer to her.”
Alex began to speak when her mother silenced her by holding up her hand. “And three, don’t forget there is always someone worse off than you. There are women out there who lost both breasts. There are women out there that are terminal. Yes, you still have a long road ahead of you, but you will survive this, and one day you will be healthy again. I allowed you this one day, but I won’t allow you another one.” Her mother wiped Alex’s tears off her cheeks, then kissed her forehead. “Tomorrow you will get dressed and have breakfast with your dad and me. Maybe we can go for a short walk around the neighborhood and get some fresh air. But you won’t lie in bed all day long and shut out the rest of the world.”
Alex could only stare at her mother’s back as she marched out of Alex’s room. To say she was shocked at her mother’s rant was an understatement, but it flicked the on switch in Alex’s brain, which she figured was her mother’s intent.
She walked over to her dresser and started to eat her dinner. Tomorrow, Alex decided, would be the first day of the rest of her new life. One of the first things she’d do was call Frank and ask her to come over and spend some time together. Her mom was right. She did behave badly to Frank and she really needed to apologize.
Alex thought back to when she first met Frank and the course their relationship had taken. Alex thought at first that Frank would be just another woman to have fun with. She never expected her feelings to grow so deeply. Sure, she was attracted to her initially, despite the traffic ticket she received, but the more she got to know Frank, the harder she fell. Perhaps that was why she was pushing Frank away. It would be easier to get over her if Alex pushed her away. Who was she kidding? She already felt too much and it would hurt like hell if they ever broke up. They’d already shared so much with each other, and gone through too much, more than any couple should.
Alex made a pact with herself to stop pushing Frank away, start allowing her to help, and stop being such an asshole toward her.
*
Frank had called her lieutenant when Alex had basically told her she didn’t need her around. She knew Alex’s parents would take great care of her, but it didn’t ease the ache in her heart any less. If Alex didn’t want her help, her community did, so she went back to work. The last thing she wanted to do was mope around her house feeling sorry for herself. Being back at work was good for her—it kept her mind off Alex for the most part and allowed her to stay busy. Her shift had definitely been busy, making traffic stops, supervising vehicle searches, and completing the paperwork that went with the job.
She was about to head into briefing when her phone buzzed. She pulled it out of her pocket to see Alex’s beautiful smiling face on the screen. She swiped across the screen as her pulse sped up.
“Alex? Are you okay?”
“Hi, Frank. Yes, I’m doing okay. I just called because I missed you and wanted to see if you wanted to hang out today.”
Frank’s heart rate began to slow when she realized Alex was okay. Her voice sounded a little brighter, which relieved Frank. “I wish I could, but I’m at work about to begin briefing.”
“Oh, I thought you took some time off.”
Frank didn’t miss the disappointment in Alex’s voice and wasn’t quite sure how she felt about that. “Yeah, well, when you told me you didn’t need my help, I decided to go back to work. I didn’t want to sit around my house all day wondering if you were going to call.”
“I understand. I had a tough couple of days feeling sorry for myself, but my mom pretty much tore me a new asshole and told me how badly I behaved toward you.”
Frank heard Alex sniff, and she wanted nothing more than to race over and wrap Alex in her arms, to wipe away her tears despite the irritation she felt. She shouldn’t feel bad about going back to work. She wanted Alex to respect her feelings and her time. “I’m sorry I can’t be there right now, but I can come over later if you want. I should be done here by sixteen thirty.”
“If you wouldn’t mind, I’d love to see you. I want to apologize in person.”
“You don’t need—”
“Yes, I do. I’ve been a real jerk, but I promise to be better.”
“In that case, I’ll see you later.”
“Be careful out there, Sarge.”
“Copy that.” Frank ended the call and felt significantly lighter as she took her place behind the podium to address her officers.
Frank showered quickly after her shift and arrived at the Taylors’ a little after five. She had called Julie earlier to see if she could feed Bella and take her for some exercise, which she agreed to. Frank’s heart hammered in her chest as she headed to the front door. She felt like a teenager arriving for a first date, but that was crazy. She definitely wasn’t a teenager and this certainly wasn’t a first date, but she was uncertain of the reception she’d receive from Alex. Sure, she had invited Frank over, but her moods were understandably all over the place, and she wasn’t sure which Alex would answer the door. Only one way to find out.
She knocked on the door and was greeted by Alex. God, she looked beautiful. Until then, Frank didn’t realize just how much she missed seeing Alex’s smile, especially when she was smiling at Frank. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
Frank was rooted in place, her feet stuck to the ground as she couldn’t take her eyes off Alex.
“Are you just going to stand there, Sarge, or are you going to kiss me?”
“Are you sure it’s all right?”
That simple question nearly broke Alex’s heart. That Frank felt she had to ask it made Alex certain that she had to be honest with her about why she tried to back away. Tears filled her eyes as she spoke. “Oh, baby, of course it’s all right. You have to hold me gently since I’m so sore, but I really want you to kiss me.”
Frank took a tentative step forward and lightly grasped Alex’s hips before leaning in to give Alex the most tender kiss she’d ever had. Alex wanted nothing more than to cleave herself to Frank’s muscular body and hold on for the rest of her life, but the discomfort in her chest prevented that. She looked into Frank’s eyes and could see the love shining through. “You have no idea how badly I want to hold you in my arms right now.”
Frank grinned. “I think I might.”
Alex stepped away and took Frank’s hand. “Come on, there are some older people who want to see you.”
They walked hand in hand through the house and met her parents in the kitchen. Alex couldn’t describe the feeling it gave her to see her parents embrace Frank like she was a part of their family. They had seen how much Frank cared for her and welcomed her with open arms. The ease with which Frank spoke with her parents made Alex hopeful for the future she hoped to share with Frank. Alex, Frank, and her father sat at the kitchen table while her mother made dinner. Once they finished eating, Alex stood. “I need to talk with Frank privately. We’ll see you in a little bit.”
Frank followed Alex to her room. Alex shut the door behind them and led Frank to her bed, where they sat
on the edge. Alex took Frank’s hand in hers and brought it to her lips.
“I want to apologize for being such a jerk to you.”
“Alex, I already told you it was okay.”
“No, it wasn’t. I want to tell you what I’ve been feeling and what’s been going through my head.” Alex took a deep breath then another. She had what she wanted to say all planned out in her head, but seeing the look of empathy in Frank’s eyes made her momentarily forget what she wanted to say. She closed her eyes so she could refocus, then opened them again and spoke. “I tried to push you away because I didn’t want you to have to go through this again like you did with Toni. But you wouldn’t leave, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. Then another thought came into my head while I was in the hospital. If I stayed at your house during my recuperation then you would have to help me with everything, including dressing and undressing me. The thought of you seeing me naked with only one breast and a nasty scar made me want to throw up. I’m not ready for you to see me like that—like this—and I’m not sure if I ever will be ready.”
“But, Alex—”
“Wait. Let me finish. I’m not sure what or how I’m going to feel when all of this is over, and I don’t want you waiting around for something that might not be anything.”
“It’s already something, Alex. I told you before that I love you and I’m going to be here for you. We’ll figure this out together, and if you need some time alone, just tell me. I’ll give it to you. But please stop trying to push me away because you think that’s what’s best for me. It’s not. You’re what’s best for me.”
Alex’s tears fell down her cheeks as Frank gently wiped them away.
Courageous Love Page 18