Frank leaned in and kissed Alex. “I have a pretty good idea, and the feeling is entirely mutual. You’re going to do great, baby, and Dr. Moreno is going to take good care of you. We’ll be right next to you when you wake up.” Frank wiped away Alex’s tears and kissed her again when Alex was called back to get prepped for surgery.
She changed into a gown, put that lame-looking surgical cap on her head, and climbed onto the gurney. Medical personnel entered and left, asking her the same questions over and over. Dr. Moreno came in and initialed Alex’s left breast, the one she would wake up without. The anesthesiologist injected a sedative into her IV, and before she knew it, she was being wheeled into the operating room. The flurry of medical personnel made Alex’s head swim—or was that the drugs the anesthesiologist gave her? She was so cold, her body was shaking. A nurse arrived with a blanket fresh out of the warmer and laid it across her body. Dr. Moreno stood above her now, along with the plastic surgeon that would implant the spacer once her traitorous breast was removed. He was the doctor in charge of reconstructing her breast.
“Alex, we’re just about ready. Do you have any questions?”
“No, just get this cancer out of me.”
Alex could see the smile behind Dr. Moreno’s mask.
“You heard her, people. Let’s get started.”
The anesthesiologist appeared into Alex’s sight line and placed a mask over her nose and mouth. “I want you to count backward from one hundred and take deep breaths.”
“One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight…” Alex felt her world go black.
*
Alex’s world began to reappear. She felt as if she was trying to emerge from deep below a watery surface; the rays of sunlight began to come into view. The muffled sounds around her were starting to clear. She opened her eyes to see Frank, Jordan, Kirsten, and her parents surrounding her. Her mind was groggy; she had difficulty forming words, even coherent thoughts. Someone squeezed her hand.
“Everything went as planned, sweetheart. Dr. Moreno said they got the cancer and the lymph nodes were clear.”
That was all Alex remembered before falling back under the effects of the anesthesia. She awoke a couple of hours later with generic sounds coming from outside her room. She opened her eyes to see she was alone in her room with the lights dimmed. She closed her eyes once again and ran her hand down her chest. Tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes as she realized her left breast was no more. In its place were bandages and an expander. She recalled the plastic surgeon saying he would place an expander under her skin once the breast tissue was removed. The plan was to return to his office every two weeks to have it filled with saline until her skin had stretched out to accommodate her C cup implant. Her hand was pulled away from her chest and kissed by soft lips.
“Your breast is gone, but more importantly, so is the cancer.”
Alex opened her eyes to find Frank sitting in a chair beside her bed. She turned away, not wanting to see the pity in Frank’s eyes. “Where are my parents?”
“They went to grab a quick bite. They’ll be back in a little while. Jordan and Kirsten went home, but they wanted you to know they’ll be back later.”
“No. I don’t want anyone to see me this way. I want you to leave too.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t want you here, Frank.”
“Listen to me, Alex. I’m not going anywhere. I love you and I’m going to be here for you.”
“Why? I’m deformed now. I must look hideous.”
“Stop!”
The stern tone in Frank’s voice made Alex turn back to her.
“You are not hideous. You are alive and cancer-free. You’ll be out of the hospital in a few days, and in three months, you’ll have reconstruction and look like your old self.”
“But the scars—”
“They’re just battle wounds, baby. When all of this is over, you’ll have won the war. The only thing that matters is you’re cancer-free. You’re going to be fine.”
Frank wished she could have said those words to her sister. By the time Toni had been diagnosed, the cancer had metastasized throughout her upper body. She fought, but the cancer had invaded too much to get rid of. Why couldn’t Alex realize how lucky she was that she found it early? That she had a chance to survive and live a long life? Something Toni wasn’t able to do? Frank understood that this was still probably shocking to Alex, but she wouldn’t allow Alex to kick her out of her hospital room—out of her life. Alex meant too much to Frank.
“We’re not going to let you go through this alone, Alex.”
“Frank’s right, honey. Your mom and I are here, as well as Jordan and Kirsten. We’re family and we take care of each other.”
“Daddy.” Alex began sobbing as Bruce and Kathleen went to Alex’s side. Frank stepped out of the way and let Alex and her parents have their time together. She sat in the chair that was in the corner, covered her face with her hands, and began to cry herself. She cried for the loss Alex was experiencing. Cried for the loss of her sister. Cried for the loss of a family she would never have—the kind of family Alex had.
Frank felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see Kathleen’s sympathetic gaze. Frank stood and embraced Alex’s mom. She’d never had this compassion from a motherly figure besides her nonna. Kathleen guided Frank’s head to her shoulder and held her as she let loose the tears she’d been trying to hold back.
“My daughter needs you, Frank. She needs all of us to get her through this fight. It will get a lot worse when the chemo starts.”
Frank nodded against Kathleen’s shoulder. “I remember.”
“Oh, sweetheart, of course you do.”
The hands moving up and down her back in an act of comfort, of motherly love, soothed Frank’s frayed nerves.
“Come on, my daughter needs us—all of us.”
They stood at Alex’s bedside and Frank cupped Alex’s cheek, looked her square in the eyes, and said, “I’m here for you. Whatever you want, whatever you need.” Frank pressed her forehead against Alex’s and felt her nod in agreement.
*
Later that day, Dr. Moreno came into Alex’s hospital room and greeted Frank and Alex’s parents.
“Hi, Alex. How are you feeling?”
“I’m a little nauseous, but I’m not having any real pain, just some discomfort.”
“That’s probably from the anesthesia. If it doesn’t go away soon, I’ll prescribe something for the nausea. So, we removed your left breast and did a biopsy of the lymph nodes, which came back clear. The next step is to get you started on chemotherapy and hormone therapy. The chemo will kill off any cancer cells that may be in the body and reduce the risk of the cancer returning. The hormone therapy will also kill the tumor cells. The cells that tested positive for HER2 have large amounts of protein, and the drugs we’ll give you for that will prevent those cells from spreading or coming back.”
Alex, her parents, and Frank nodded their understanding.
“How soon will I start the chemo and other therapies?”
“You’ll start chemo within a couple of weeks. During that time, you’ll also go to the plastic surgeon to have saline injected into the expander to help the skin stretch. The plastic surgeon can give you more information regarding your reconstruction. You’ll start the hormone therapy once chemo is completed.”
“Okay.” Alex knew the common side effects of chemo and was not looking forward to this part of the treatment. Hell, who was she kidding? She wasn’t looking forward to any of this. She looked at her parents, who were standing there looking so brave. But inside, she knew this was killing them. They went through so much to have her, and now she might be taken away from them.
“As long as you continue to improve and there aren’t any setbacks, we’ll let you go home in two or three days. We placed two drains in your left breast, and I’ll take one out either tomorrow or the next day. I’ll leave the other one in and t
ake it out when the wound is no longer draining.”
“How long will that take?”
“Usually one to two weeks. I placed absorbable sutures, so there shouldn’t be a need to remove them.”
“Okay.”
“A physical therapist will come in tomorrow morning to teach you some simple arm stretches, but I don’t want you doing any strengthening exercises until the wound heals. You’ll be able to go back to normal activity in two to three weeks as long as you’re feeling okay. I don’t want you to work while you get chemo because it will lower your immune system. Since you work in the ER, you’d have an increased chance of contracting a disease.”
Alex nodded then asked, “What do you think my prognosis is, Doctor?”
“Well, since we did a mastectomy and there was no lymph node involvement, with the chemo and hormone therapies, I think it will be good. I’m not making any promises, but we’ll do everything we can to prevent recurrence.”
As a nurse, Alex knew nothing was certain, and Dr. Moreno gave her the best response she could, not promising anything, but remaining positive nonetheless. She saw the relief wash over the faces of her parents and Frank. She also saw a calm confidence in Dr. Moreno. For the first time in a long while, she felt hope instead of despair. She knew she had a long road ahead of her, but she finally felt like she had a fighting chance.
Alex reached for Frank’s hand. “You need to go home and get some sleep.”
“No, I don’t want to leave you.”
“Frank, your eyes are bloodshot, you have dark circles under your eyes, and I know you didn’t sleep last night.”
Alex’s parents stood and started to leave. “We’ll be right outside.”
Frank turned back to Alex. “How do you know I didn’t sleep?”
“I heard you crying. I know you’re having a hard time with this too, that it’s bringing up memories of Toni. Please go home and get some rest. You can come back tomorrow. I’m feeling tired myself and I’ll be able to sleep better without all of you in here watching me.”
“Are you sure?”
Alex almost changed her mind seeing Frank so worried, but she needed some time alone and she wanted Frank to try and get some rest. “I’m sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Frank kissed Alex good-bye and once Frank walked out the door, Alex felt her tears fall.
Chapter Twenty-five
Frank woke early to clean her house, shop for groceries, and take Bella for a long run. Alex was being discharged from the hospital later that morning, and they had agreed before surgery that Alex would come back and stay at Frank’s for a few days since Frank took a week off from work. Her lieutenant had been extremely understanding, having seen what she went through with her sister. Her brothers and sisters in blue had been nothing less than supportive and wished Alex well.
Nerves were in abundance, and the only thing that would settle them would be to go for a run with Bella. During that time, she let everything go from her mind and let her body take over. Her stomach had been in a constant knot since Alex was diagnosed, and the knot seemed to tighten with every doctor’s appointment. The stranglehold loosened a little once she had talked with Dr. Moreno after the surgery. To know they got all the cancer and the lymph nodes were clear was a small relief, but she knew the fight was far from over. Alex still had chemo and hormone therapy to go through, as well as breast reconstruction. Not only did Alex lose her breast, but she was likely to lose her hair with the chemo. Frank knew from her experience with Toni’s chemo that Alex’s energy level would be drained, but she would do everything she could so that Alex could rest and prepare for each upcoming battle.
She arrived at the hospital to find Bruce, Kathleen, and Jordan in Alex’s room. She greeted everyone with hugs, then went over and kissed Alex on her forehead. “Hey, baby, how’re you feeling today?”
“I’m okay.”
“You about ready to get out of here?” Frank noticed Bruce and Kathleen look down and wondered what was going on.
“I decided to stay with my mom and dad. That way you don’t have to miss work. Since Mom is retired, it just makes more sense that she takes me to my appointments.”
“But, Alex, I have the time to take off. It really isn’t any problem.”
“I appreciate it, but I think I’d be more comfortable at my parents’.”
Frank didn’t want to sound like a petulant child, especially in front of Jordan and Alex’s parents, so she reluctantly agreed. “Okay, if that’s what you want.”
“Frank, you’re welcome over anytime, and I could use your help,” Alex’s mother said.
Frank knew Kathleen was trying to make her feel better by saying that, but the knot in her stomach tightened again, and she couldn’t help but feel Alex was trying to pull away from her.
“Sure, okay. Whatever you need, Kathleen.” Frank turned to Alex. “Do you want me to go?”
“No, of course not. Not unless you have other things to do today.”
Frank didn’t know where all of this was coming from. Why was Alex treating her like an acquaintance instead of her lover? Alex’s statement did nothing to ease the fear building inside Frank, and she felt her body begin to tremble.
“Frank, why don’t you drive Alex to our house and stay for dinner? We have plenty of food, and Jordan, Kirsten, and Aiden will be there.”
“Thanks, Bruce.”
Dr. Moreno entered the room and said hello. “We have your discharge papers complete, Alex, so you can get dressed. Someone will be in shortly with a wheelchair.”
“Thanks, Dr. Moreno,” Alex said. “I’ll see you soon. Mom, can you help me get dressed?”
Frank’s heart dropped at Alex’s request. She thought she would be the one to take care of Alex, to help her bathe and get dressed, to prepare her meals, to take her to her appointments. It seemed that she was being cast aside, and it hurt like hell.
Jordan slid her arm around Frank’s shoulders. “Come on. Let’s go get your truck and pull it up for Alex.”
They headed toward the elevators, Jordan’s arm still around Frank. “I know you must be hurt by the way Alex is behaving, but try and give her a little time. Alex isn’t taking this well. Her life is no longer the life she thought she’d have. She’s always been carefree and happy. At thirty-two, her mortality was shown to her, and she’s understandably upset.”
“But she’ll eventually be fine. Dr. Moreno said she got all the cancer.”
“Yes, she did, but that’s not what Alex is focused on right now. She lost her breast, she thinks her body is now deformed, and she’ll lose her hair. In Alex’s eyes, she’s lost her femininity.”
“Not in my eyes, she hasn’t.”
“Nor in mine,” Jordan said as she squeezed Frank’s shoulder and they entered the elevator. “And we have to keep reassuring her that she’ll continue to be beautiful, especially to those that love her. But it’s her body, her feelings, and her mind. She’ll probably have to go to counseling, maybe to a survivor’s group and hear other stories before she accepts the new Alex.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m just so grateful she’ll live that I don’t care about the rest, but it’s also not me who’s going through all of this.”
“You are going through this, just in a different way. Continue to be strong, not only for Alex, but for yourself. And remember, I’m always here for you, buddy, anytime you need to talk.” They arrived at Frank’s truck, and Jordan pulled Frank into a powerful hug. “It won’t be easy, and Alex might not want anyone around at times, but just continue to let her know you’re not going anywhere.”
Frank blushed when Jordan kissed her chastely on the lips. “Thanks, J. I really appreciate your understanding.”
“Anytime, my friend. I’m going to pick up Kirsten and Aiden, then we’ll meet you at Bruce and Kathleen’s. Tell your girl we’ll see her soon.”
“Copy that. See ya.”
Frank drove her truck to the front entrance of the hospital where
Alex was sitting in a wheelchair with her parents on either side of her. Alex did not look happy to be going home. In fact, her face was devoid of emotion. Frank took a deep breath and let it out slowly as she exited her truck. She could only imagine how the ride back to Bruce and Kathleen’s would go. She offered a hand to help Alex out of her wheelchair, but the offer was ignored, and Frank could only stand there and watch Alex step past her, open the door, and get into Frank’s truck. She turned to Bruce and Kathleen, not knowing exactly what to say.
Kathleen hugged her. “Just give her some time, honey. She’ll be okay. You both will. We’ll see you back at the house.”
Frank watched them go toward the parking garage before finally getting into the truck. Alex had already buckled her seat belt, but held it away from her chest, looking annoyed.
“Alex, what’s going on with you today?” Frank asked as she drove away from the hospital.
“Nothing.”
“Something is going on. You’re treating me like a total stranger, and I don’t get it.”
Alex looked out the side window as tears fell. She was acting like a jerk to Frank and she didn’t mean to. She just wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Her whole life had been in upheaval since the diagnosis. Now she had only one breast and what she imagined to be a huge-ass scar across her chest. She hadn’t seen the scar yet because of her bandages, and she really didn’t want to. And to put the cherry on top, she was going to start chemo in a couple of weeks, which would lead to puking her guts out and going bald. How could she expect Frank to stay with her when she looked hideous? Frank had told her that it only mattered to her that Alex would live, but how could she be with someone who wasn’t whole? Someone who was disfigured?
The truck came to a stop at a red light, and Frank’s voice brought her back.
“Alex, please look at me.”
Alex turned and saw the worried look on Frank’s face. How could she treat Frank that way? After everything she’d done, Alex should treat Frank with more respect, show Frank that she meant so much to her. “I’m afraid you’ll leave. I’m afraid if I let you see my body, you’ll be disgusted and want to leave.”
Courageous Love Page 17