Abandon

by Cassia Leo

  “Common sense?” I repeat this as I hold the patio door open for her to enter the great room.

  “Yeah. I mean, why would I want to have sex in a steam room when I nearly passed out while throwing up this morning?”

  “You what?” I bark this question at her and she appears startled.

  “I was sick this morning before I got a chance to eat anything. I was dry-heaving so badly that I felt like I was going to pass out. It’s no big deal. I took a ten-minute nap in the dorm after Claire left for class.”

  “No big deal? Don’t you think you should talk to your doctor about that? Have you even seen a doctor yet?”

  “Fuck no! I’m still on my parents’ health insurance and they can’t know anything until we figure out what we’re gonna do.”

  I try not to let her see the conflicting emotions and thoughts racing through my mind right now. I want to offer to pay for her doctor visit out of my own pocket, but I also want to hold off. This is a card I may want to hold onto so I can play it later when I lay down my whole hand.

  I take a seat on the gray sofa in the living room and pat the seat for her to join me. “Can’t you go to the campus health center and get a free exam? Shouldn’t you be taking vitamins or something?”

  She narrows her eyes at me as she sits. “Are you trying to tell me you want me to keep it?”

  Her words make my breath hitch in my chest. The truth is I’m probably more prepared to take care of this baby than Senia. But being prepared doesn’t mean I’ll be any good at it. The last thing I need is to screw up my own kid the way I’ve obviously screwed up Molly. I had to pick her up from school early yesterday. She was suspended for cutting class two days in a row so she could smoke weed with her innocent friend Carissa at the park. It’s always the kids with the most clueless parents that seem to get into the most trouble. Maybe if I had been there for Molly this past year, none of this would be happening. I’m not ready to be a father.

  But I don’t think I can pass up this opportunity. This is my chance to send Grandma off with a full heart. Who knows? She may even live long enough to meet her great-grandchild. I don’t think anything would make me happier than that.

  “Yes. If you want to keep it, so do I.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  After a moment of awkward silence, I grab the remote and turn on the TV. “What do you want to watch?”

  She stares at the TV for a moment as the picture materializes, then she turns to me. “I should get going. Claire will probably be getting back from dinner soon.”

  “Did Claire-bear give you a curfew?”

  “I don’t want her to ask me where I was tonight.”

  I’m used to being a dirty secret. I’ve had affairs with plenty of girls, and women, who were otherwise attached. But this just pisses me off. There are very few things about my personal life that I feel comfortable sharing with anyone. But this … This is something I want to share, like a fucking Circle of Life moment, I want to shout it from the mountaintops. I made a human.

  I’ve watched way too many Disney movies with Moon.

  “Why are you wearing jeans today?” I ask so I don’t have to address the issue of when we’ll be sharing the news of our lovechild with our BFFs.

  “It’s cold.”

  “Can I tell you a story?”

  She looks at me as if I’ve asked her if I could tap-dance for her. “Okay …”

  I clear my throat and smile. “I was eight when Molly was born. I was still living with … with my mom.” Senia doesn’t need to know that I only refer to her as Elaine. “I was still living in Maine with my mom.” Man, it feels weird to call her my mom. “We were living in a shitty apartment in South Portland and I hadn’t slept the whole night, waiting for my mom to come home with Molly.”

  “Who was with you?”

  “No one,” I reply without thinking, and she looks at me with a sad look that I’m all too familiar with. “It’s not like it was the first time I had spent the night alone.” This doesn’t make the concerned look on Senia’s face dissipate, so I continue before she can ask any more questions. “Anyway, when my mom came home with Molly, I finally fell asleep on the floor next to her bassinet. I think that was one of the happiest moments of my life. So …”

  Her eyebrows are scrunched together awaiting the next words out of my mouth. “So … what?”

  “So … I think I know why Chris and Claire got back together. And I think I want to tell them about the baby … soon.”

  “Oh.” She puts her feet up on the coffee table and sits back as she contemplates this. “I just don’t know how she’s going to feel about it. And you should be worried about how Chris is going to take it. From what I’ve gathered, he is hanging all his hopes on this whole open adoption thing. If he finds out you’re having a kid …”

  “It will kill him.”

  For the last few months, Chris and Claire have been embroiled in negotiations with the adoptive parents of Abigail, the daughter Claire gave up for adoption earlier this year. I still don’t understand how Chris could forgive Claire for doing something like that without giving him any choice in the matter. I know he thinks she did it so he wouldn’t cancel the tour and give up on his dreams, but I don’t think I’d be as forgiving in his place.

  “Do you want to kill your best friend?” she asks.

  “Maybe it will help him to think that I know a little about what he’s going through.”

  Before Senia can respond, her hip twitches and she pulls her phone out of her jeans pocket.

  “Who is it?” I ask. Not that I have a right to ask, but I can pretend I do.

  “It’s Claire,” she says. “She’s spending the night at Chris’s condo. Chris has a condo?”

  I shrug, even though I already knew this. He told me about it a couple of days ago after he and Claire got back together. “That means you can stay the night here,” I murmur as I reach over and tuck her dark hair behind her ear.

  She scoots farther away from me and shakes her head. “No, it doesn’t. I still don’t know what time she’s coming back to the dorm in the morning.”

  She grins at me as if this is just an invitation for me to convince her to stay a little longer, even if she doesn’t stay the night. “Yeah, maybe you should just go.” I don’t need to tell her that I always have breakfast with Chris on Saturday mornings. It’s a tradition that began after he broke up with Claire and we stopped doing the usual breakfast with the band on Sundays.

  “Are you telling me to leave?”

  I stand from the sofa and smile as I hold out my hand to help her up. “You should probably go so you don’t fall asleep in my bed and your whole secret is blown wide open when Claire sees your empty bed in the morning.”

  “Fall asleep in your bed?” She takes my hand and allows me to pull her up from the sofa. Our noses are centimeters apart when she replies. “What makes you think you can even get me into your bed?” She shakes my hand loose and heads for the foyer. “I guess we’ll break the news to them sometime before Christmas. Until then, I’d appreciate it if you could keep this to yourself, and … I’ll let you know how the exam goes at the health center.”

  “Thanks,” I mutter. Then in one swift motion, I take her face in my hands and plant a soft kiss on her cheekbone. “Drive safe.”

  Sliding my leg off my bike, I pull my phone out of my pocket and check the screen. It’s the first thing I do when I come off my motorcycle and the text I find makes me grin. Chris texted me a few minutes ago to say that Senia and Claire will be joining us at the pancake house this morning. I want to know what they had to do to get Senia to come here.

  I tuck the phone into my back pocket and hang my helmet from the seat hook. Then I lean back against the bike and wait. An entire breakfast with Senia attempting to keep the baby a secret from Claire and Chris. This should be interesting.

  When Senia arrives, she looks pissed, as if she’s been forced to come here, and she ignores me until we’re seated at the
semi-circular booth. When Chris and Claire both guess each other’s breakfast orders, I try to make a cute guess about what Senia will be ordering.

  “Hey, I’ll bet I can guess what you’re ordering,” I say to Senia. “The stuffed French toast.”

  She looks up from her menu and turns to Claire. “Do you hear someone talking to me?”

  “You heard me loud and clear last night,” I reply with a grin.

  Claire looks up from her menu. “What is he talking about?”

  Senia finally looks in my direction and the glare she’s pointing at me could slice me in half. But, somehow, it’s not Senia’s glare that gets to me. It’s the subtle outrage in Claire’s question.

  I’ve always tried to keep my feelings about Claire to myself. When she and Chris were together the first time, before we went on tour last year, I managed to keep my comments about Chris being whipped to a minimum. The truth is I’ve always kind of envied what Chris and Claire have, though I’ll never admit that to anyone. But it’s not really the love that I envy, it’s the trust. The feeling that no matter how bad you screw up, there is always someone who will accept you and love you for who you are; not because they have to, just because they can’t not love you.

  I thought I had that with Ashley, but it turns out I didn’t know shit about her. You can believe you’re destined for someone – you can share the most gut-wrenchingly intimate experience with someone – and still not know a damn thing about them. And there is irony in learning that you can’t trust someone you love because it makes you stop trusting yourself.

  The waitress arrives in time to ease the tension and take our food order. Once she’s gone, Chris whispers something in Claire’s ear and I find myself glancing at Senia’s hand, itching to grab it and announce our secret.

  Suddenly, I realize Chris and Claire are having a discussion about living together over breakfast and right in front of Senia and me.

  “Of course I want to live with you,” Claire continues, “But are you sure you want to live with me?”

  “Wait a minute,” Senia interrupts their conversation. “Are you moving out?”

  It’s as if Senia and I – and this entire restaurant – don’t exist, the way Chris and Claire gaze into each other’s eyes. “I’ve never been more sure of anything,” he replies.

  Claire grins hugely as she turns to Senia. “I guess I’m moving out, but not until the end of the semester.”

  “That’s eleven days away,” Senia pouts. “I have eleven days to find another roomie?”

  “I’ll pay your housing for the next semester,” Chris offers. “Not just Claire’s half. I’ll pay it all.”

  “You don’t have to do that. I’ll pay it,” I say, watching Senia for her response, but her eyes are locked on Claire.

  “It’s not the money,” Senia insists. “My dad will cover Claire’s half.”

  All I can do is watch in silence as Claire contemplates her options. “I don’t want to leave you alone,” she says to Senia.

  After everything Senia and I discussed last night, I just want to yell at her to put Claire out of her misery. I wait a moment before I open my mouth to say something, but Senia beats me to it. “I’m pregnant.”

  Claire is frozen, stunned, for a moment before she looks back and forth between Senia and me. “How? You and Eddie have been broken up for three months.”

  Ugh. I can’t stand that guy’s name. Sounds like a fucking sleazy truck driver.

  Senia’s shoulders slump as she shrinks in her seat. “It’s not Eddie’s.”

  Claire is confused until Senia nods toward me. “When? What the hell’s going on?”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you because of everything going on with Abigail,” Senia continues. “It was just a one-night thing a few weeks ago and, we were careful, but I didn’t get my period last week.”

  She just lied to Claire and said we used protection. I try not to laugh out loud at this.

  “Wait a minute. A few weeks ago?” Claire replies. “Thanksgiving was two weeks ago. I thought you were going to tell him to stop texting you.”

  “We ran into each other at Yogurtland and it just sort of happened. I didn’t give him my number. I mean, I’m not stupid.”

  “Hey!” I interject. “How about a little gratitude for the guy whose seed is sprouting inside of you?”

  “Ew,” Senia replies without looking at me. “That’s why I was wondering how he got my number and texted me on Thanksgiving. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it, but I was ashamed of myself for giving in. I was feeling so shitty because Eddie kept texting and calling. I just wanted to do something to take my mind off of him.”

  I suppress my feelings about hearing his trashy name as I softly lay my hand on the back of her neck. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, sweetheart.”

  As expected, she pushes my hand off. “Stop it.”

  I smile as I lean back, but the look on Chris’s face quickly wipes the smile off mine. He looks like he did the day he ran into Claire at The Pour House in Downtown Raleigh; the day he found out that Claire had been keeping the worst kind of secret a person can keep from him. He shoots up from the table and heads for the exit.

  I stand up to go after him, but Claire puts her hand out to stop me. “Not now.”

  Watching her chase after Chris, I try not to get upset when I realize that Chris needs her more than he needs his best friend. He always has.

  I take a seat in the booth and Senia is looking at me with an expression on her face that looks slightly like admiration. “What?”

  She smiles and sighs softly. “You’re a good friend.”

  I roll my eyes because this topic makes me feel uncomfortable. No one – not even Chris – knows that he basically saved me from a life of crime and drugs when he asked me if I wanted to start a band.

  “No, don’t do that. Don’t belittle it. You’re a good friend,” she insists, then she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before she continues. “And you’ll make a great father.”

  I stare at the table for a moment, lost in thoughts of what it will be like to hold a human being that I made in my hands. I can write a song and I can play it until my fingers bleed, but I can’t carry music in my hands. I can’t touch it or smell it. I can’t give it my heart.

  I look up and her gaze meets mine. “Move in with me. Let me take care of you.”

  Her mouth hangs open at the sound of my words. I reach forward and lift her chin with my finger to close her mouth. She pulls my hand away from her chin and I smile as her mouth drops open again.

  “I … I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why? I’m not far from campus and you won’t have to worry about telling your parents about the baby until you’re ready.”

  “Not far from campus? You’re at least thirty minutes from UNC. Besides, living with you is not something I would consider a smart decision.”

  “I’m not asking you to move in so we can have worry-free sex all day long. I’m asking because you need someone to take care of you now that Claire is moving out.”

  “Can you ever be serious? Is that really your best attempt at convincing me to move in with you?”

  I reach forward and she flinches a little as I take her hand. “You need to stop being so stuck in your head and just learn to go with the flow. We all know you’re smart and independent. We get it. How about you show us you’re willing to let go of your pride and do whatever it takes for your baby?” She looks slightly offended by this, so I add one more bit of information in my attempt to convince her. “I promise to keep my hands to myself … if you do.”

  She chews on her bottom lip as she contemplates this proposal. It takes everything in me not to brush her hair aside and kiss those lips. Finally, she smiles. “You like me.”

  “What?”

  “I see the way you’re looking at me. You don’t just want my golden egg. You want the whole goose. You. Like. Me.”

  I chuckle at this
comparison. “I’m not sure if you’re referring to the baby or your pussy as a golden egg, but, either way, let’s keep this to ourselves. Yes, I want you. Yes, I … like you.”

  She shakes her head, but she’s still smiling. “Okay. I’ll move in with you.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  I lie awake the whole night wondering if I’ve gotten myself into something that will undo me. I’ve never lived with a girlfriend – not that Senia’s my girlfriend. Yet. I’ve lived with Molly and Grandma most of my life, so I know about all the weird and gross things girls do in the privacy of their homes, but I’ve never actually lived with someone who wasn’t related to me – unless you count the summer before seventh grade when I lived with Elaine, but I never count that.

  By the time I show up at Grandma’s house at 9 a.m. on Sunday morning, I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open. Entering the house, I’m greeted by the clanging of dishes in the kitchen. I close the door softly then head for the kitchen to surprise her.

  The sight of her washing the breakfast dishes makes me sad. She shouldn’t have to do any cleaning during the last months of her life. I’m hiring her a maid tomorrow.

  “Grandma?”

  She whips her head around at the sound of my voice and she sighs with relief. “Oh, I’m so happy to see you.”

  I give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek before I take a seat at the breakfast table. “Why are you so happy to see me?”

  She sighs again, but this time it’s a heavy sigh weighed down by something I’m sure I don’t want to hear. “Molly came home late last night and she was drunk. I’m so worried about her. I tried to talk to her and tell her that we still have a lot of time to be together, but she was so out of it when I put her to bed. I don’t know if she heard anything I said. She’s still sleeping. I want to give her some time to sleep it off before I try to talk to her again.”

  “I’ll talk to her,” I offer, gritting my teeth against the sudden urge I have to barge into Molly’s room and shake some sense into her. “It’s my fault she thinks it’s okay to do that. I’ll take care of it.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “Don’t worry about it; just sit down,” I say, grabbing her hand as she reaches for a clean towel to dry the dishes she just washed. She purses her lips as I pull her away from the sink so she can sit at the table with me. “I have some news for you.”

  “Well, it better be good. I’m not sure how much more bad news a woman in my condition can take.”

  “It’s better than good.” I keep a tight grip on her hand as I lean forward on my elbows and look her in the eye. “I’m having a baby.”

  Her eyebrows scrunch up and I can’t tell if she’s confused or if she’s going to cry. “Are you pulling my leg, because this is not funny?”

  “No, I’m not joking. Are you not happy?”

  She swallows hard and then the tears come and she quickly covers her face.

  “Grandma, are you okay?”

  She nods her head as she reaches for a napkin in the center of the table. She dabs the corners of her eyes and I start to worry that maybe I was wrong. Maybe she doesn’t want me to have a baby. Maybe she thinks I’m not ready.

  What the fuck was I thinking? Of course she thinks I’m not ready.

  She stops wiping at her face with the napkin, even though her eyes are still tearing. “When?”

  I let out a small sigh. “Not for a while. She’s only a few weeks along. But I know you can make it.” My voice sounds garbled as my throat begins to close. “I