Abandon

by Cassia Leo

  them home. I think she thinks she and Molly are intruding on my and Senia’s alone time. She doesn’t know that Senia and I have agreed to keep things friendly until we can figure out how we’re going to raise this surprise baby.

  After I drop them off and return home, I find Senia asleep on the sofa with the Science Channel playing on the TV. I turn off the TV and try not to grunt as I pick her up and carry her upstairs to her bed. I lay a soft kiss on her nose and quietly make my way out.

  As I close the bedroom door behind me, I realize that I’ve changed. In the span of just a few weeks, I’ve gone from kicking girls out of my house to lovingly tucking them into the bed in my guest room. I sigh as I head for my bedroom with a pang of dark fear twisting inside my belly. Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Our last five days of recording go smoothly. We wrap up the Friday before Christmas and return to my house to celebrate. I’m not surprised to find Senia and Claire already hanging out in the kitchen. As Chris, Claire, Jake, and Rachel discuss Jake and Rachel’s wedding in the kitchen, I invite Senia into the living room to watch some TV. The Science Channel is showing a special on black holes and Senia quietly takes a seat next to me on the sofa to watch.

  I’m not really watching the show. I keep stealing glances at the smooth skin on her legs and the way she subconsciously lays her hand protectively over her belly. I want to move her hand so I can place my hand there, but I’m pretty sure she’s not far along enough for the baby to kick. But how awesome will it be to feel my little guy inside of her.

  Once Jake and Rachel go through my last five beers as she attempts to beat him at a beer-guzzling contest, Chris and Claire offer to go and pick up some more.

  “I’ve got more in the fridge in the guest house. Come on. I’ll show you,” I say to Chris and he shrugs as he follows me outside.

  I don’t really need to show him where I keep the beer in the pool house and he knows that. I just need to talk to him.

  After some small talk about whether our manager, Xander, is going to call us back to re-record something, I unlock the door to the guest house and turn on the lights. Chris heads straight for the refrigerator of the studio and I wait by the front door.

  “I don’t know what to get Senia for Christmas.”

  Chris glances at me over his shoulder as he grabs two six-packs of Sam Adams out of the fridge. “You haven’t done that yet?”

  “Hey, I’m not Mr. Monogamy like you. I don’t know how to do this shit.”

  “So you’re not fucking anyone else?” he asks as he makes his way out of the kitchenette.

  He pushes a six-pack into my chest and I contemplate this question. I haven’t fucked anyone since Chrissy on Thanksgiving. Well, unless you count the girl who worked at the grocery store that I hooked up with a few days ago, whatever her name was. She ran out to give me one of the bottles of Gatorade I dropped in the store and, one thing led to another, but Senia and I haven’t had sex since Yogurtland last month. It’s a poor excuse for a terrible wrong, not at all made right by the fact that Senia and I aren’t actually a couple yet, or the sickening regret that kept me awake that night.

  Fuck. I’m such an asshole.

  “No. I’m not fucking anyone else.” From here on out.

  Chris looks skeptical as we make our way past the pool toward the patio. “Then bare your fucking soul. Give her something that will only mean something to the two of you.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “You’ll figure it out.”

  Senia and I arrive at Grandma’s house a little before noon on Christmas Day. Senia insists we need to arrive early so she can help Grandma cook. Since she had to lie to her family and say she was spending Christmas with Chris and Claire, I have to do as she says. Besides, it’s kind of cool to watch her and Grandma laughing as they chop onions while I imagine the beat of my baby’s heart as the background music.

  When the food is simmering, Senia sends Grandma out of the kitchen to get some rest and calls me in to replace her. The sight of her in one of Grandma’s aprons is weird, but strangely sexy.

  “Can you set the table? We need plates and silverware, and bowls for the pumpkin soup.”

  “Pumpkin soup?” I say, coming up behind her as she stirs the soup on the stove. She pushes my left hand away, but I reach forward and slide my right hand over her abdomen. “You can’t stand in my grandmother’s kitchen, in that apron, barking orders at me, carrying my child, and not expect me to want to touch you. You can’t expect me to not feel like I have some … claim on you.”

  She lets out a deep sigh as I press my chest against her back. “Tristan …” Her voice is breathy and full of longing. “Please don’t say stuff like that. It makes me want to either punch you or tear off your clothes. And I can’t tell which one I want to do more.”

  I slide my hand down and she freezes, but I quickly pull my hand back. “I guess we’ll find out soon.”

  Grandma Flo makes us give thanks before we eat, the way she always does before every Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner, and Senia seems to be a pro at it.

  “Thank you for the food and for inviting me into your home.” She turns to Molly and they both smile. “Thank you for reminding me how much I never want to get drunk again. There are better ways to get wild. Trust me.” She winks at Molly and I shake my head. “Thank you, Mrs. Pollock, for giving me a place to celebrate Christmas – somewhere I can be myself.” Grandma smiles a crooked smile that seems to be masking whatever anguish, emotional or physical, she is feeling. “Tristan,” Senia begins as she turns to me. She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

  “What?” I prompt her, but she closes her mouth and eyes and doesn’t speak.

  When she opens her eyes, I expect her to be crying. She seems to cry at the drop of a hat these days with all those hormones coursing through her. “Excuse me,” she whispers as she rises from her chair and heads for the front door.

  I follow after her and she stands on the porch steps where I just finished clearing the snow an hour ago, waiting for something. “What’s wrong?” She shakes her head and I step down onto the step below her so we’re almost eye-level. “Talk to me.”

  “I’ve just never spent Christmas without my family.”

  “I’ll take you there. You don’t have to stay here.”

  “No, I have my car. If I wanted to leave, I’d go. You know that.”

  “Is that why you brought your car?” I ask. “I thought you brought it so you could stop by your parents’ house and say hi to your family.”

  “That is why I brought it … I …”

  “I don’t understand. If you want to be here, why are you upset?”

  She steps sideways so our faces aren’t so close and a thick cloud of steam escapes her mouth as she lets out a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter. I just need a minute. I’ll come back inside soon.”

  I wait a moment for her to change her mind and tell me she’s coming inside, but she doesn’t. “It’s cold. Don’t stay out here too long.”

  She closes her eyes and I take that as my cue to head back in. I leave the front door open and take a seat at the dining table, which, thankfully, still has a view of the front door.

  “Where’s Senia?” Molly asks as she sips a glass of cranberry juice.

  “She’s just missing her family a little. She’ll be back inside in a couple of minutes.”

  But a couple of minutes turns into nearly fifteen minutes and I have to check on her. When I open the door, Senia’s car is gone. My first instinct is to hop into my car and go to her parents’ house, but they don’t know about me yet and I don’t want to cause her any more trouble then she may already be in for not showing up to their Christmas dinner.

  I pull my phone out of my pocket. It’s a long-shot, but I have to at least try to call her. Not surprisingly, she doesn’t answer, but I’m not upset because I’ve been a bit of an asshole to he
r about using her phone while driving. I look up and down the street, foolishly hoping she may have just parked a few houses away to think in the warmth of the car heater, but her car is nowhere. I wait a few minutes, to give her some time to get wherever she’s going, then I begin typing a text message to her.

  Me: Where are you?

  I hesitate before I hit the send button. This text message sounds demanding. I swallow my pride and type two more words.

  Me: Where are you? I’m worried.

  I hit send and I get a response a few minutes later, just as Molly comes outside to see what’s going on.

  Senia: I’m home. I’m in the study catching up on my homework.

  I’m confused. She just said that she was upset because she wasn’t spending Christmas with her family and now she’s gone home – to our home – instead of to her family’s house. Why do women have to be so fucking complicated? I think as I reach into my pocket and grab my keys.

  “Can I come with you?” Molly asks.

  I smile. “Not this time. I think Senia and I have some stuff to talk about.”

  Molly laughs. “You’re whipped.”

  “What? I am not whipped.”

  “Yeah, you are. But that’s okay. She’s worth it.”

  I shake my head as I head for my car. “Tell Grandma she doesn’t need to clean up. I’ll send Lily over tomorrow morning.”

  “Don’t be a pussy!” she shouts at me as I slide into the driver’s seat. “Tell her how you feel.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Senia

  I probably screwed things up with Tristan and his family, but I couldn’t sit there and pretend like my mind wasn’t elsewhere. And I couldn’t tell Tristan what I was thinking. The last thing I need is for him to think I’m clingy and demanding. I needed a timeout.

  So here I am in Tristan’s study, which is right next door to the room where he practices bass for hours at a time. If he’s that dedicated to his job, I should try to be that dedicated to my schoolwork. I can’t let all this family stuff and all these emotions sidetrack me. But now that Tristan knows I’m here, I fully expect him to come walking through the door into the study and say something totally stupid or totally dreamy. It won’t matter because, either way, it won’t be the words I want to hear; the same words I nearly blurted out at his Grandma’s dining table.

  I’m such an idiot. I need to move out of here.

  I grab my laptop and textbook then head back to my bedroom. I grab my suitcase out of the closet and begin stuffing the inner pocket with all my panties and bras. Then I pull a zipped case out from underneath the bed: my new goodie drawer since I know Tristan has probably searched all the drawers on this dresser.

  “So that’s where you keep it?”

  His voice makes my skin ache. I want to turn around to face him, but I’m afraid of what his face will look like when he realizes I’m packing.

  “Are you packing?”

  I turn around and his eyes are narrowed, as if he’s angry. “I can’t live here any more.”

  “Is this because I asked you to have Christmas with us?”

  “What? No! That’s … that’s not it at all. It’s just …”

  I try to think of a lie, but my mind is not working at normal speed. And the truth is not an option. I can’t tell him I’m leaving because I’m in love with him. That just sounds stupid and if he doesn’t feel the same … I don’t know if I could handle finding out.

  “What is it?” he asks as he takes a step toward me.

  “I’m … I didn’t get you anything for Christmas.”

  He laughs as he reaches forward and grabs my hand. “You’re leaving because you didn’t get me a present? Come on, what are you going to get me that I don’t already have?”

  Exactly what I thought when I was trying to figure out what I was going to get him, which is why I had the brilliant idea of giving him … “Me.”

  His smile disappears and I know I’ve scared him. That’s it. I have to leave. I shake his hand off and turn around to continue packing.

  He grabs my elbow and turns me around, the muscle in his jaw twitching as his eyes search my face for something. “I didn’t get you anything either. Well, nothing you can unwrap and hold in your hands.” He takes a deep breath, steeling himself for whatever he’s about to say. “I know how much you hate commuting to class, so I rented an apartment near campus. I want us to move there before next semester.”

  “An apartment?”

  “Did you just say you’re giving me you for Christmas?”

  I think I’m going to be sick. Why did I say that? “Sorry. It just sort of slipped out.”

  I try to turn around again to continue packing, but he tightens his grip on my elbow. “Look at me.” I look up into his fierce gray eyes and say a mental prayer that I don’t vomit.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  This may be the biggest mistake of my life or the smartest thing I’ve ever done. All I know is that it has to be done. I can’t watch her go so soon. Not on Christmas.

  “When I asked Chris what I should get you, he told me I should get you something that means something only to me and you. I didn’t know what the fuck that meant and I thought the apartment would be a great present, but I think you’re better at this than I am. I need you to teach me. I need … I need you.” She bites her lip, but I can’t tell if she’s doing it to keep from crying or laughing. “Say something.”

  Finally, she smiles and I let out the breath I’m holding. “I think what you mean is … I love you.”

  My body tenses when I hear the words, but I know it’s only because I haven’t heard them in so long. “You love me?”

  She nods and a strange sensation builds inside me that is so powerful it lights the hollow of my chest on fire. Is this what love feels like? ‘Cause it fucking hurts.

  I grab the sides of her head and tilt her face up. There’s a weird trembling in my chest, but my hands are steady and firm as I look her in the eye. “I love you. Nothing else can explain how crazy you make me. And I want you to stay with me, tonight, tomorrow, and … for as long as it takes to make this right, because I know everything seems completely fucked up right now. But it won’t always be that way. We’ll get it right, won’t we?”

  She nods again and a tear rolls down her cheek. “We’ll get it right,” she whispers. “Eventually.”

  I smile as I lean in to kiss her cheek and the taste of her tears is better than I remember it. I kiss the corner of her mouth and her hands glide up to grab handfuls of my hair. She kisses me hard as I slide my hands under her UNC T-shirt. Her skin is so warm and soft. I can only imagine how much softer it will get over the next few months.

  I yank my hoodie off then I pull her shirt over her head. She drags out the moment, moving at an achingly slow pace as she unclasps her lacy white bra and lets it fall to the floor. Her nipples are stiff and inviting. She moans into my mouth as I kiss her and press my chest against hers.

  “Are you ready to be fucked?” I whisper as I move down to kiss her neck.

  She throws her head back and lets out a throaty laugh that’s sexy as hell. “Oh, Tristan.”

  “What?”

  She smiles as she traces her finger along my jawline, then she looks me in the eye. “Are you ready to have your world turned inside out?”

  I let out a soft chuckle and her smile turns me on even more. “Baby, you can turn me inside out, upside down, sideways … whatever position you prefer. I’m ready when you are.”

  “I have more than a few positions in mind.”

  She reaches for my waistband, but she doesn’t unbutton my jeans. She grabs my waistband and attempts to push me toward the bed, but I’m too solid to be moved.

  She laughs sheepishly and I kiss her forehead. “You can always just ask and I’d be happy to lie down for you.”

  “Can you please lie down?”

  “No. You lie down.”

  “Are we going to argue about this?”

  “Nop
e, because you’re going to do exactly as I say and you’re not going to argue with me. Now strip down and lie on the bed.”

  I shove her suitcase off the bed as she undresses, then I unzip her goodie bag. Sifting through the contents, I find an assortment of tools, most of which I’ve used before, but some are a bit foreign, and that intrigues me. First things first, I undress and slip a soft rubber cock ring down to the base of my erection; there will be no premature ejaculation tonight. I glance over at Senia and she’s biting her lip as she watches me. I pull out a smooth pink vibrator that’s as big as my dick, then I lie down next to her. She reaches for me, but I push her hands away.

  “You’re not allowed to touch me. Just close your eyes and try not to scream too loud.”

  She giggles nervously as she closes her eyes and I turn the vibrator on. I press it against the crook of her neck then I slowly trace a line over the hollow of her throat and down to her chest. She’s breathing faster now and I’m getting harder just watching her chest move quickly up and down. I lightly brush the vibrator over her nipple and she squeezes her eyes tightly shut as she whispers, “Oh, God.”

  I trace a light circle around her areola with the vibrator, then I take her nipple into my mouth. I alternate between sucking and flicking and her back begins to arch.

  “Try not to move.”

  She lets out a nervous chuckle. “Impossible.”

  I trail the vibrator over her other nipple then I run it down over her abdomen. I plant a soft kiss just below her navel and I can feel her muscles tense with anticipation.

  “Just breathe,” I murmur as I slide the vibrator over her mound and stop there. “Relax.”

  I gently spread her legs open and position myself between them. The perfect landing strip of hair I remember from the last time we did this a month ago has grown out a little. I trace the vibrator gently over her slit and she gasps. I keep going until I reach her cheeks then I move back up. I do this a few more times until she’s glistening wet, then I slide the vibrator inside of her, just a few inches, and immediately cover her clit with my mouth.