by B C Morgan
“That’s ridiculous, a pipe dream is hoping you can be the next top model and make enough money that it won’t matter when you grow old and grey. Being a mechanic is practical, besides you’d never be stranded on the side of the road,” I point out and I almost get a smile again.
“Your turn.”
“Turns out I have two passions, one I knew about and another I had no idea about until I came here. I play guitar and sing a little, tell anyone and I will kill you. And I also love photography. Capturing those unique, wonderful and special moments. I’d love to do it full time, and that’s what I’m going to do when I leave here. I’ll go to university probably, but I want to be a photographer,” I say and he’s got this wicked look on his face, I’m a little worried now.
“You play guitar, yet you’re not helping your friends. I’d call you selfish, in fact I’d love to do that, but you helped me a lot over the holiday when you had no reason to. So why won’t you do the same for someone who probably deserves it more?” There is nothing but curiosity in his question, I can tell by his tone and his eyes, but how honest do I want to be? Better yet, how much of myself am I willing to reveal?
“Because I’m scared, sometimes that one reason can really hold me back from doing a lot of things that I end up regretting later on. Besides no one else knows, and I’d appreciate it if you’d keep it to yourself. You probably won’t because you’re an utter arse, but hey it’s out there now,” I say and although I’m scared he will tell every fucker in Padstow, I don’t regret it.
“You made me feel a little more like me, for that I won’t tell anyone. That’s the only nice thing you can ever accuse me of though, I mean it Monterey.”
“It’s a deal, now continue your healing so I can continue to kick your butt on the track,” I say as I get up and start to grab my things.
“Are we done for today?”
“I am, you need to decide how bad you want to get out of here. Get a C grade at least and if you really want to go to college then do it anyway. You can’t live for your family,” I say as I scrunch my eyes closed. Shit, my voice is breaking, I’m giving too much away.
“Oh fuck it,” his voice is gruff and I don’t understand why until he’s suddenly holding me, what the hell?
“Don’t tell anyone about this Monterey, like you said enemies for life,” his voice is muffled but his mouth is so close to my ear, I wouldn’t have missed it if an orchestra started playing.
“Then why are you holding me?” I ask, hesitant to find out his reason.
“Because I understand the pain that you had in your voice just then and I guess, for the same reason you’re letting me.” His tone is soft and revealing more than I think he’d like, I just can’t decipher what he’s revealing right now.
He pulls away and I’m swiping at my face to get rid of the stray tears, I look at him for a moment before I rush outside and hide behind a set of shelves. Why did I let him, have I started seeing him as some kind of friend? How messed up is that?
I’m going through my pockets when I realise I’ve forgotten my phone, I really should go back to leaving it in my room. At least I can’t lose it that way, Harrison has gone, and it isn’t taking me long to retrieve it and escape to my room. It’s about time I stop hiding from PastFinder, it’s about time I responded.
Did you find it? The countdown to the day that will change everything, it’s a shame it couldn’t be sooner but the idea of you leaving here without any of the friends and guys you covet fills me with this undeniable pleasure.
The thought of you suffering is my Christmas and birthday gift to myself and Rebecca. I can never forget about her, unlike you!
The Shepherds as you call them are so easy to manipulate, the new year is going to be ram packed full of surprises, and none of them are pleasant.
PastFinder
Funny, it’s dated a month ago. But then again, the emails are never consistent. Matti has confirmed that I’m still getting emails sent to me supposedly from Elliott, but I can’t handle those. They may not read like him in any way, shape or form but it’s still sick. It hurts my heart to receive anything addressed from him.
I have a letter Dad gave me the day after my birthday in Elliott’s handwriting that I still can’t bring myself to read.
No, this isn’t what I need to do, I am going to send this mystery person a reply and then that’s it. I don’t expect anything to come from it, but what else can I do? Ignoring them isn’t working, maybe this is what they want.
Dear PastFinder,
I did find it thank you, but it means very little to me. There isn’t anything I can do or say to change your mind so tell everyone. If I end up alone like you clearly wish for me, then that is on me. I was angry at you in the beginning but I’m not anymore, because I understand it. You hate me for what I did to Rebecca and you think she means nothing to me, that she is a million miles away from my mind. But let me tell you this, you are dead wrong. Your hate can’t weigh me down any more than my own, I know what I did is wrong and inexcusable. I have no excuses for what happened that night. but I think of her every day, I’m haunted by my actions and the way I left her for dead.
I wish I could make it right, but I know there isn’t a single thing I could do. I wrote her a letter once, and I don’t know if she read it, tore it or burnt it. Any of those would have been justified, the letter was pitiful if I’m honest. I apologised for what I did and did not do, but no apology can make it right. But I did not apologise to make myself feel better, I did it because I lost the chance to do the right thing, what else could I do?
I'm not angry at you, I don’t think I ever can be. You’re protecting your own and trying to right the world, if anything I admire you. I’m sad that I haven’t become the person I want to be yet but I’m trying, I will be better and I will never become the person I used to be. I won’t be selfish again and I won’t let fear keep me from doing the right thing.
Henleigh
I’ve spent so many of my nights with Noah, we don’t always get down and dirty. I just love being with him, and having his arms wrapped around me. I know Elijah wishes I could be this open with him and I am getting there, it’s more natural with Noah, I don’t know why that is though. Amias is like a dog without a bone, he knows I’m distancing myself from him, I just don’t think he realises why yet.
“Can I have you to myself this evening?” Amias asks and I’m so tempted to refuse him.
“If that’s the case I call dibs on tomorrow, I wouldn’t mind some time with our girl as well, you know,” Elijah says and I don’t want to play favourites so how can I say no.
We go back to Amias’ room, he has something he wants to show me and I’ll admit that I’m intrigued.
“When I left for those three days it was to meet with the artist, you got to teach me some techniques, it was amazing and I created my first charcoal piece,” his eyes are alight with his excitement and if I was a little weaker, I’d ride that excitement train right along with him.
“Hang on, that’s where you went. Then how did you end up black and blue?” I ask and he can’t look at me, here comes a lie.
“I got robbed, I was just too embarrassed to tell anyone. I didn’t want to fight back, after what happened to Harrison,” he says and I don’t know if he’s being honest or not.
“I understand that, he’s doing okay though. He’s getting back on his feet, he’ll be back to his usual self in no time.”
“Henleigh, are you going to end it with me?” he asks as he meets my eyes and instead of darkness, I see pain and fear.
“Why would you ask me that?” Shock is coursing through me, I was not expecting that to come from his mouth. If his pain was a waterfall, it would be dragging me under with its intensity and sheer force.
“You’ve been different with me for a while now, and I see how you are with the others. I can’t help but get the impression that you’re just biding your time to give me the old heave ho.” Despondent, that’s how he sounds, b
ut I don’t think he’s giving up. It feels more like he’s trying to figure out what battle he has to fight next so he can win the war.
“Amias, I…”
“Wait, I want to give you something before you answer that,” he says as he hands me a brown envelope.
There’s a charcoal picture of me inside, it’s beautiful. He’s captured the sadness in my eyes and the joy in my smile, it’s full of contradictions it’s perfect.
“I know you don’t feel the same but I do love you little cub, and I have no intention of letting you go without a fight. Even if that means I’ll always have to share you with the others.”
He doesn’t give me the chance to respond as he captures my face in his hands and kisses me with the heat of a thousand suns. I won’t tell him that I love him back, even though I do and my heart shatters.
I’ve had a great day with Eli, even if it has been broken up with classes. But the moment they end we’re together and strolling around the grounds snapping pictures.
I’m having a great time and I am going to offer to sit in for the band, they haven’t found anyone yet and I don’t want them to have to cancel. I already feel responsible for that seeing as it’s my fault they’re no longer on speaking terms with Leah.
“Henleigh, has anything happened with you and the others. Physically?” he’s kicking at the dirt with his feet and ducks his head and to look at me.
Wow, where did that come from.
My cheeks are heating and although I don’t want to answer, I won’t lie to him.
“I’ve slept with Noah, he was my... first. Why do you ask?” If embarrassment was a gentle stream, it would turn into an ocean with the sheer amount that I am feeling right now.
“You and Amias have been really awkward with one another and it’s the complete opposite with Noah, I couldn’t help but wonder. You’re in love with him, aren't you? I’m not jealous, well maybe a little. I guess I’m just wondering what it is about him that you prefer,” he’s kicking at the ground and I don’t like where this is going. I don’t have a favourite but I am closer to Noah, how do I explain it without hurting him?
“I don’t prefer him Elijah, and I don’t have a favourite I just... fell for him first. He’s easy to be around, I can be however I need to be in that moment.” my words aren’t reassuring him I can see it by the way his face continues to fall, but I’m far from done. “Eli you realise that you’re the one I ring whenever I’m alone right, you’re the one I go to when I need to get out of my head and to feel normal and have fun.” I brush my hand down his cheek, and he leans into my touch before I pull away. “I’m falling for you Elijah, and I don’t want to stop. You’re all so different and it’s your differences that I love.” My heart is in my throat, it’s never easy laying it out on the line like that, but I do not regret telling him.
“I can live with that, come on beautiful let’s go get our romance on,” he says as he takes my hand and leads me back to his room to watch some romcoms.
I have no idea what we watch as we spend the majority of the time kissing, touching and exploring. We don’t sleep together but I know that I want to.
Ten
Great, now I have to change my number. Throwing my phone on the bed is better than at the wall like I’d prefer, but I don’t want to break this one. I can’t imagine Dad would be too happy with that.
Someone thought it would be funny to write my number in all the guys toilets, it hasn’t stopped ringing all bloody morning. Apparently, I’m an easy lay, how original. The real tickler though, is that there are rumours going around that I am riddled with STI’s and STD’s and I’m still getting phone calls.
“Come on, Leigh forget about all that crap, take it as a compliment if you can. The girls are jealous enough to make crap up and the guys would risk catching something just for the chance to be with you. Besides, we need to find you the perfect outfit for tomorrow. And we still have to rehearse and make sure you know the set,” Roxie is unstoppable, at least she’s not mad at me any longer for lying about not being able to play.
“You find optimism in the unlikeliest ways; not sure I agree with you but I do see your point. Let’s just find the outfit after rehearsal, so we can get going,” I suggest and she’s happy with that.
We get to the hall and Bella hands me a guitar; I didn’t bring my own when I came here but at least I’m not using Leah’s. That would be too weird.
Our set includes songs by Paramore, Fighting Temptations and even a few Kings of Leon. She has a cracking set of pipes on her, and her husky voice makes them all sound just this side of raunchy.
One thing is for sure, we seem to play well together, I just need to make sure they understand this is a onetime deal. I’m not looking to become Leah’s replacement, it feels too awkward.
“You ladies sound awesome,” Elijah says, jumping up onto the stage and kissing me senseless.
What was I doing? He makes all my thoughts just disappear.
“Maybe you can convince her to stick around, if you ask me, getting rid of Leah was the best thing we could have done. Our baby girl here is fantastic,” Roxie says, unfortunately it shoots through the microphone right as Leah walks past.
“Are you kidding me? You kick me out of the band and replace me with her, this is ridiculous and you’ve lost your marbles if you think she’s better than me. You tone deaf cow.”
“I’m not replacing you,” I say and her face grows red.
“Do not speak to me, you washed up tart. Go back to where you came from, oh that’s right you’re not welcome back home are you?” Her smirk is evil, and her words scream at me, is that why Dad didn’t ask me to come home this time?
“Sod off Leah, go back to the Shepherds, but remember. You’ll always be second best, you're nothing more than a sheep and they always end up being led to the slaughter. Enjoy your trip there,” I’ve never heard Bella say anything mean in the entire time I’ve known her, I’m speechless.
“Enjoy your room, runner,” she says before she storms away.
We quickly pack up and head back to mine, only I don’t need to unlock the door anymore. It’s gone, or at least, it’s only hanging on by a hinge.
My room smells so bad I think I’m going to puke, there’s rotten fish all over my bed and their guts are spilling down onto my floor. My clothes have all been destroyed and my windows are smashed.
“Come on, let’s get you out of here,” Elijah is leading me away while Roxie waits for the principal.
I don’t know what I’m going to do, but heads are going to roll.
“You can stay in here tonight if you want, I’ll even sleep on the sofa,” Elijah says, and it makes my heart melt, he’s definitely one of the good guys.
“Thank you big guy, I think I’d rather have you next to me if that’s okay? Besides, you can help me think of ways to get even with those bitches once and for all.”
“It’s a date,” he says with a wink and it has the desired effect of making me laugh.
We spend most of the evening planning revenge, he also makes a space for me to store all my important treasures, so they won’t get damaged during this apparent war.
“I mean, this is the worst they can do right? They’ve already beaten me senseless, trashed my room, given my number out and sent me sick emails. What else could they possibly do?” I’m pacing the floor, I can’t keep still and my arms are all over the place. Until I throw them up in the air and fall unceremoniously onto his bed.
“I don’t know and I don’t really want to find out, you need to stay safe baby. I don’t want anything to happen to you. I know you want to get revenge and I’m all for helping you, but don’t go too far,” he says as he drops feather light kisses across my lips, over my cheeks and even up to the lobe of my ear.
“Mmm, that feels good,” I say as he nibbles down my neck and sucks on the sensitive part where my neck joins with my shoulder.
“I love the noises you make,” he says as he works his way up the other sid
e of my neck, causing tingles to shoot through my system.
“How about we discover what kind of noises you can make,” I say with a waggle of my brows as I push him onto his back.
“What are you doing Hen?” he asks, sounding nervous.
“There’s something I’d like to try,” I reply as I kiss down his chest while my hands work on his belt.
I give my first blow job that night and he jumps at the chance to return the favour. We discover what each other likes and when he eventually lines himself up with me and slowly pushes inside, another piece of my heart clicks into place. Elijah is mine, I can never let him go.
I can’t believe Mattias found Rebecca’s address and her phone number, I want to ring her but I’m being selfish. She may not want to speak to me, she more than likely hates my guts after what I did. So, I’ll give her the option, I just need to figure out what I should put in the text.
Hi, this is Henleigh Monterey. I don’t know why I’m doing this or what I hope to gain from it, but I was hoping that maybe you would give me the chance to speak to you. I understand if you completely ignore this and I promise I won’t bother you again. I know there isn’t a thing I can do to make this right, but maybe I can explain what caused my actions that night. No excuses, just an explanation. I truly am sorry Rebecca and I will never forgive myself for what I took from you and I never expect forgiveness from you either.
I don’t know why I’ve done this, I could be making things worse for her and me. But that’s why I sent the text isn’t it? So she had the choice to ignore me if she needs or wants it, okay deep breaths. This was the right thing to do, I think.