Just Her Type

by Laudat, Reon

  Kendra took the smallest sip of the drink with a generous glob of whipped cream. “Everything’s fine. I’m not hungry. What’s going on with you?”

  “I have great news. The shop’s books are starting to look good again. Just a sec.” Aunt Jackie went to her bedroom, answered her ringing phone, and chatted for a good fifteen minutes.

  That salty taste rushed Kendra’s mouth, signaling intensified queasiness. She shuddered as the co-hosts chowed down on those booger-and-hairball burgers. The co-host who had been cutting the sweet potatoes two minutes before removed a second pan of fully-cooked sweet potato fries from the set’s oven for the after shot. Voila!

  Aunt Jackie returned. “Sorry it took so long, but I had to take that call.” She extended a piece of paper to Kendra. “Here you go!”

  “What’s that?”

  “The first repayment. We agreed when you started helping The Sassy Sheep it was only a loan.” She shook the check at Kendra. “Take it.”

  “No, you said it was a loan.”

  “That was the only way I could accept your sweet, generous offer in good conscience. You’re not rich, honey.” Her aunt had insisted on classifying Kendra’s help as a business transaction and even had documents drawn up. “Please take it.”

  “But there’s no rush,” Kendra said, though she did need the money. “Take more time to make sure things have stabilized at the shop.”

  Aunt Jackie shook the check at her again. “Please accept the check.”

  “All right, all right. Calm down.” Kendra took it, thinking she would not cash it until the shop had a few more months of operating in the black.

  “Business started booming again long before Halloween, believe it or not. And there’s other news. I have a new business partner. Donalisa! She just called.”

  “Mrs. Findley?”

  Aunt Jackie revealed that Mrs. Findley, who had received a life insurance windfall from a policy on her late husband, was now investing in The Sassy Sheep.

  “Isn’t that great?” Aunt Jackie said. “No more worries about money! And I can start paying you back!”

  “But you’ve been the sole owner for so long. Sure you can handle a partner? It will take some adjustment after years of unilaterally making decisions,” Kendra said. How would her aunt adapt to sharing the reins of her business with someone else? Even Uncle Alex had been hands-off, save for handling repairs, heavy lifting, maintenance around the shop, and The Sassy Sheep website.

  “Donalisa has some great ideas and a solid business background. Before she retired she ran her own successful travel agency. Well, it was successful before the Internet and those discount, book-your-own trip sites took a serious bite out of business.”

  “I know all about that.” Kendra thought of the way the Internet and digitalization had drastically changed the publishing industry.

  “You look so happy, Auntie.”

  “I am! I have a good feeling about this new partnership. And you’ll receive another payment, with interest, in exactly one month. Now that I’ve shared my news. What’s yours? You’re holding back. Something is wrong.”

  “Dominic and I are over,” she said with a sigh.

  “What happened?” Aunt Jackie got up and turned down the television’s volume.

  “It wasn’t quite right.”

  “In what way?”

  “He…” Kendra’s voice hitched. “No, I screwed it up like every other relationship I’ve had. Something is obviously wrong with me. The apple doesn’t fall from the tree and all.”

  “Kendra, you’re not Van.”

  “Oh, no? So Vanessa’s capriciousness and whack-a-doodle tendencies are not imbedded in my DNA? Could’ve fooled me.”

  “Genes aren’t always our destiny.” Aunt Jackie moved closer and placed a comforting arm around Kendra’s shoulders.

  “At first, I was in denial, trying to put it all on the guys. They were too controlling. Too this, too that. Not enough of this or that. I’d made the wrong choices. I tried deluding myself. ‘Just choose a different sort of guy and you’re golden, girl,’ I said. I had a knack for choosing men who always gave more and loved more than I ever could. And then there was the nonsense about avoiding the,” she made air quotes, “‘cute couple curse.’ All a smoke screen. But the truth is, I have too many jacked-up notions to make a suitable lifetime mate for any sane man.”

  “Don’t you think you’re being overly dramatic?”

  “No. I. Am. The. Problem.” It felt good to finally admit aloud what was painfully obvious.

  And Dominic’s success and smarts only aroused her insecurities. She’d spend her days poised at the ready, always feeling as if she had something to prove. Never good enough. After all, her own mother considered her an inconvenience. Vanessa had always chosen lovers over Kendra. And then there was that mystery in the back of Kendra’s mind. A long-buried memory that had resurfaced two years ago, when Vanessa returned for Uncle Alex’s funeral. Kendra had never told anyone about it, not even Aunt Jackie.

  Kendra had remembered one sweltering summer night when she was about eight years old. It had been difficult to sleep because of the heat and a stomachache. Afraid of the dark, she often kept a small Cinderella nightstand lamp on. When she’d dozed off, she’d awakened in the middle of the night to find Vanessa sitting on the twin bed clutching a pillow. The glow of the lamp illuminated a face that looked blank and scary, not one warm with a mother’s love.

  How long had she been just sitting there, staring at a sleeping Kendra?

  “Mommy?” Kendra asked, heart thundering as she sat upright.

  “I didn’t mean to wake you,” Vanessa said rotely, placing the pillow aside and smoothing sweaty curls away from Kendra’s face. “Just changing and fluffing your pillow. It’s so hot in here. That one is damp. I’ll get another one. Now, go back to sleep.”

  As if in a trance, Vanessa rose to her feet, walked across the room, and did not return that night.

  Kendra blinked, her eyes now focused on her aunt sitting next to her. Bile rose in Kendra’s throat, and she raced to the restroom to retch. She closed the toilet lid and sat on it. What if Kendra hadn’t awakened? Was it a false memory? Kendra had made such a drastic leap regarding her mother’s intentions that night. But had her mother contemplated the unthinkable?

  One evening when Vanessa had slipped inside her own bedroom to have what she’d called “private time” with a honey bear, Kendra had watched a cable movie depicting filicide. A mother had smothered her three children to death. She’d found that part more alarming than the acts in the graphic sex scenes. Power of suggestion? But she couldn’t quite remember if she’d seen that movie before or after the pillow “incident.” Kendra had lots of realistic nightmares as a child. She had also suffered from night terrors at one point, she’d been told.

  Soon after that disturbing night Vanessa had sent Kendra to live with the Millers.

  Would Kendra ever know the truth?

  “You okay in there?” Her aunt twisted the knob on the locked door.

  “Yes!” Kendra forced a bright note in her voice as she sprang up and turned on the faucet. “I have an upset stomach, that’s all.”

  When the images began haunting Kendra, she’d tried to rationalize them away. As a child, she’d had a nightmare because of that movie. But the doubt and hurt festered. Even if she had imagined it all, that part of her that actually believed Vanessa was capable of such a thing had fueled a sense of shame. She cleaned herself up and returned to the living room, where Aunt Jackie looked worried. “Should I get the Pepto-Bismol?”

  Kendra sat. “I feel as if Vanessa wished I’d never been born.”

  “We never discussed abortion. Yes, she brought you to us—”

  “But…” Kendra stopped. She would keep her secret about what she suspected might have happened that night if she hadn’t awakened.

  “Your mother had problems, long before you came along,” Aunt Jackie said. “And to be honest, I’m surprised she
’s done as well as she has. Before she came to live with my family, she’d already seen a side of human nature no child should be subjected to. At the hands of her own parents. It was terrifying, honey.”

  Kendra’s mouth fell open. “They were abusive?”

  Aunt Jackie took the next half hour sharing details of incidents so vile, Kendra’s stomach turned over again.

  “I thought they were incarcerated because of bad checks, credit card scams, a shoplifting ring.” Not violent crimes, but unsavory enough she’d been too embarrassed to share this information with Dominic when he’d asked about them. Vanessa, Aunt Jackie, and Uncle Alex had told her these tales to explain why she was never allowed to meet them.

  “And the car accident?” Kendra asked.

  “There was no car accident, baby. Both died in prison. Cancer ate her alive. A fellow inmate got to him. As unforgiving and un-Christian-like as this sounds, justice was served on both counts as far as I’m concerned. Yes, indeed.” Aunt Jackie nodded. “Van and I lived next door to each other for years. Van looked up to me like a big sister.”

  “Yes, I know that part.”

  “One day she shared her horrific secrets. There was a stream of men. I used to see them at that house. I thought they were there for her father’s unlicensed side business. He cut hair at home part time. Why hadn’t I put it all together sooner? And there were horrendous pictures. Some of these pictures and videos are still out there for sale, on the Internet, I hear, for sickos who go searching for that sort of thing with underage kids. Anyway, I told my parents even after she begged me not to. I couldn’t ignore what was going on over there. No way. My parents contacted child welfare authorities. Van moved in with us, because there was no one in that family who could take her in, and we all loved her. Mom and Dad wanted to help. Van received counseling. Things were looking good for a while, real good. Her grades improved. She joined a dance group and the yearbook staff at her school. And then she met him, the much older man. They started sneaking around. I didn’t know about it until it was far too late. Someone should have caught him and buried his ass under the jail,” Aunt Jackie muttered. “She told me he was in his thirties. I think he was married. We don’t know for sure. He never told her his real name or where he lived. Used to take her to sleazy out-of-the-way motels. He took advantage of her body and naiveté—”

  “My father?”

  “Yes. Then he upped and disappeared, leaving her devastated again.”

  “Pregnant at fifteen by a married older man, baby at sixteen. Sounds like a drippy Lifetime movie.”

  “My parents and I helped with you. We all loved having a cute baby around, especially Mom. She was thrilled.”

  “Ah, Nana Joan.”

  “But we feared Van would never bounce back after that jerk dumped her and vanished. When she turned nineteen she took you and left our home, but she struggled mightily to get her financial and emotional footing. This is not to make excuses for her, but I want you to understand the root of her perplexing behavior so you can stop blaming yourself and stop assuming you’re destined to make the same mistakes.”

  “But—”

  “After a while, Vanessa believed she was simply incapable of being the parent you deserved, sweetie. She wanted you to have a good life so she did what she thought was best when she brought you to live with Alex and me. We’d tried for years to get pregnant, but it never happened. I was much older than Van, more settled with a nice home, a good man, and a desperate yearning to be a mother. We believed the arrangement was perfect for everyone.”

  “You were, you are,” Kendra said, “the best parent any child could ever wish for.”

  “Not perfect. I could’ve done some things differently.”

  “No, you are the best—”

  “I’m afraid I wasn’t as forthcoming with the whole story as I should’ve been. I’m a liar. I lied to you and myself all these years. When you were a child, I rationalized, you were far too young to hear and process such alarming things that had happened to your mother. That made sense. When you were a teen, I told myself the same thing. You still wouldn’t understand. Why fill your head with such ugliness? And when you became an adult, I told myself you weren’t that interested because you never asked about Vanessa much. But the truth is, when Vanessa reached out most recently to try to forge a relationship with you, I felt, well, threatened. I’ve cherished our closeness all these years. I thought things between us would change, so I held on tighter.” She clenched her fists. “I’d lost Alex. Mom and Dad relocated to that Florida retirement community. I wasn’t about to lose you, too. I was selfish, even after knowing all that Van had gone through—”

  “Selfish? Oh, Auntie. You? Never.”

  “Yes, I was. I am so ashamed of some of my thoughts. I’d always believed I was one type of woman, so giving, godly, and selfless. Yeah, right. I found out I was altogether another. Sometimes I’d get the angriest, I mean downright furious, at Alex because he wasn’t around when something here or at the shop needed repairs and maintenance, and I had to handle it myself.” She lifted one hand and slapped it against her leg. “As if the man up and had a massive heart attack one day just to get out of re-grouting and re-caulking the shower.”

  “But you were, are grieving. People don’t always think straight when they’re going through it. I understand everything you said. I do.”

  “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I know I can do things around here on my own.”

  “Of course you can.”

  “And all these things of his that I’ve been clinging to like a lifeline… He is not a power drill, an old recliner, a closetful of coats, suits, and shoes. He’s here,” Aunt Jackie touched her head and heart, “and here. I have nothing to fear if you get to know Van or even get closer to her. I’m not only okay with it, but I’m also rooting for you two. Is that what you want, honey?”

  “Truth?” Kendra asked. “I don’t know what the heck I want where Vanessa is concerned. When she first reached out to me again, I told her I was open, but we needed to take things slow. ‘Baby steps,’ I said to her. Sometimes I’m elated, over the moon, when I receive a call, a text, an email, anything at all from her. I feel I exist to her. I mean something. Finally. She’s thinking of me and not some ‘honey bear’ for a change. Me. Kendra. But, at other times she will reach out and I’m seething with rage that I try so hard not to acknowledge. Oh, hell, no! You don’t get to breeze back in my life, years and years later, like you never abandoned me. You don’t get to be my best friend as if nothing ever happened. You must pay! That side wants to punish her good. That eight-year-old ignores her calls, texts, and emails. That eight-year-old wants to give her a taste of rejection. But when weeks pass, and I don’t hear from her, I start to panic. I think I’ll never hear from her again. I’ll read her chatty blog or social media posts, flaunting her latest ‘Laura Mercier cosmetics shopping spree’ or ‘Louboutin haul from Nordies and Neiman-Marcus, y’all.’ And then there are all the gushing posts about how incredibly lucky she is to have such a sweet “honey bear” who thinks she set the moon and stars and spoils her endlessly. And oh, how grateful she is for her legion of devoted blog followers. That eight-year-old in me gets enraged all over again.” Kendra squeezed Aunt Jackie’s hand. “How do you punish someone who is indifferent? Would she love me more if I had a penis? As far as our fledgling relationship goes, I still think she can take it or leave it. And I curse her for that. Man, it feels good to finally get this out.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart.” Aunt Jackie pulled Kendra deeper inside her embrace and stroked her hair.

  “But I think I should know better. I should be stronger. Bigger, you know. ‘Woman up! Stop whining, why doncha?’ I tell myself all the time. Ugh! It’s so frustrating when you know what the right things to do and feel are, but you can’t bring yourself to do and feel those things consistently. Why am I behaving like a big brat? A walking, talking daughter-damaged-by-indifferent-biological-mother trope, when I had such a
wonderful mother in you? I’m not chasing the man who impregnated Vanessa. Uncle Alex was all the father I needed. I never tried to chase Vanessa’s parents. Grandpa and Grandma Miller and Nana Joan and Papi Jim were the only grandparents I needed. The difference defies rational explanation.”

  “You never knew your biological father or grandparents. Vanessa was in your life, and then suddenly she wasn’t there for you. It’s okay to have and own those feelings that disturb you, but don’t surrender to them. You have more power determining the outcome than you think.”

  “Yup,” Kendra said facetiously. “Just will it all away and think only happy-pappy thoughts as I click my heels together three times and wish upon a star.”

  “A little less sarcasm can’t hurt, either. No more hiding behind a shield of quips and snappy come-backs. You can do this, Kendra. You have an opportunity here, an opportunity I wish I still had. My Alex is gone. How I wish I could take back all the petty nagging I’d done the day before he died. I nagged, I nagged, and then I nagged some more. Nagging about that cluttered back room and his habit of collecting garbage from flea markets and garage sales. That’s what I wish I could take back when I think of my last forty-eight hours with him. I, mean, I gave him hell about a box of old S&H green stamps.”

  “But Uncle Alex never took offense to that. He used to slyly grin at me and hum the theme song from Sanford & Son while you fussed about his junk.”

  “My point is, there’s still time for you. Why wallow in regrets? I do believe you can make it work with Van and your guy, if that’s what you want. You’re such a smart woman. If you set your mind—”

  “Dominic is gone and that’s great for him. He can do much better.”

  “Weren’t you falling for him?”

  “I think so.” Kendra pulled away and a small, wistful smile tilted her lips. “He was great, not perfect, but pretty close for me. He was so fervent, so determined about us, though. I loved it, but then, I sort, um, of didn’t. I know this sounds mixed up, because I’m mixed up. He wanted everything too fast.”