by Darien Cox
He laughed. “That’s okay. Magic is good. I’ll take one of those.”
“You got it.”
After mixing his drink and setting it down, I helped Robert out for a while. When I returned, the handsome guy had nearly finished his drink. “You want another?”
“Um…” He glanced around. “Is Duncan here tonight?”
My brows rose. “Oh. You know Duncan?”
He smiled sheepishly. “I met him at a party last night. He told me I should come by and check out the garden some time. That he’d buy me a drink.”
My stomach sank. “Oh. Well, I haven’t seen him tonight.”
“You know Duncan?” he asked.
“Yeah. I work for him.”
He rolled his eyes. “Of course. Duh. I hope this isn’t weird, but can I ask what you think of him?”
Thanks, universe. And fuck you for putting me in this position. “Why do you want to know what I think of Duncan?” I added a little chuckle, because my tone was a bit brisk.
“Well, like I said. I met him last night. I thought he was interested in me, but now I’m not so sure. Is he a player?”
I sighed, concentrating on replenishing the garnish trays. “I don’t know,” I said. “Did he ask you out?”
“Not exactly. I gave him my number. He told me to come by the garden some night. I guess that doesn’t really mean he was interested. I gave him a hell of a kiss before I left though.” He chuckled. “Wanted to make sure he remembered me.”
I dropped my lemon slices on the floor. “Shit.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I distract you? I’m Dana by the way.”
I threw the lemons in the trash and wiped my hands on a rag. “I’m Zach.”
“Hey, Zach. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be monopolizing your time with this. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about it.”
I gave him a tight smile. “It’s fine. So you kissed him, huh?”
“Yeah.” He chuckled. “He seemed surprised. But he kissed me back. That’s a good sign, right?”
“Good luck with that,” I said. “You want another drink?”
He sighed. “I think I’ll get going. Since he’s not here.” He dropped some cash on the bar. “If you do see Duncan, will you tell him Dana was asking for him?” He smiled. “And maybe tell him I’m a nice guy? Put in a good word?”
I nodded, forcing another plastic grin. “Will do, Dana. Have a good night.”
I sighed, getting back to work. I wasn’t sure how I thought I was going to be all cool and aloof about Duncan when I was working in his fucking club. Of course I’d have to deal with shit like this, that Dana guy, and hearing Duncan’s name from staff and such. It was Duncan’s place I was working at. All Duncan. All the time. It was tough trying to shake off my night with Duncan and take the high road here when everyone on the planet but me seemed to be getting face time with him. And I had to hear about it.
As though the universe wanted to hammer that point home straight through my skull, I heard my name called, and turned and saw a pretty woman with a dark bob and bangs, smiling and waving at me as she leaned on the bar. Shaylin. She looked so happy and excited I couldn’t bring myself to dislike her, whether she’d slept with Duncan or not, so I strolled over. “Hey, Shaylin.”
“Hi! Look at you, Zach! You’re doing it.”
I chuckled. “Yep. I’m doing it.”
“I feel so honored to have been among the first to taste your tapas. And don’t you look cute with all your makeup on! I want to kiss you but don’t want to get glitter on my face.”
“Thank you. You look very pretty tonight.”
She waved me off. “Oh thanks. Just had a drink with Duncan and Greg out front. Nothing special.”
I tensed. “Duncan is here?”
“He was. When we were about to leave I told him I wanted to come back and say hi to you. I can’t stay, just wanted to check it out. It looks great, Zach. You happy?”
“Yeah,” I said automatically, but I wasn’t happy at the moment. “So Duncan didn’t want to come back and say hi?”
“He said he didn’t want to bother you while you’re working, him being Mr. Boss Man. And Greg was too busy kissing Duncan’s ass.” She rolled her eyes. “Anyway, I’ve gotta go hon. Nice to see you!”
“Yeah, you too. Thanks for stopping in.”
After she left, I went back into the kitchen. Sighing, I banged my head gently against the wall. Steven and Chauncy eyed me curiously, but kept working. This was ridiculous. My feelings for Duncan weren’t going to go away, not while I continued to work here. His life, his friends, his suitors and love interests, they were all around me, all the time. And his avoiding me, not seeing him, it was only making me realize how strong my feelings were, because it hurt.
Who was I kidding? I wasn’t made of Teflon. Sure, I’d grown up a lot and I could temper the behavior my emotions wrought. I didn’t cause scenes and power-text people for hours on end anymore. But I was still me. This was who I was. I was passionate and emotional, and when I truly cared for someone, when I gave myself to that person, I did it full throttle. Even if I got disappointed. Even if I got rejected after. Which was clearly the case here. I’d slept with Duncan. And I’d been rejected by Duncan. And it hurt.
I was tired of telling myself that caring about someone, that being hurt when they didn’t want me, was a weakness. Tired of punishing myself for not being perfect in the past. I’d learned from my mistakes. Now I was convinced I was being needy for expecting some simple contact after taking a huge risk and going to bed with my employer? Telling myself that my emotions were stupid and didn’t matter? That in this equation, I didn’t matter?
Fuck that.
I felt a weight lift off me suddenly. It was like a dark cloud had been following me around for two years, and suddenly the cloud dissipated and I could see clearly.
There was nothing wrong with me.
Feelings were messy and risky, but they were worth having, worth taking that risk, because it was the only way to get to the good stuff. Wanting more from another person didn’t make me a psycho or a weakling. It made me human. Letting someone else into your body was supposed to be powerful. And while casual sex was all fine and good, it also led to people getting attached, and wanting to see the other person again. Wanting to know if what they’d shared mattered, at least enough not to be ignored afterward. That was not a weakness.
I’d taken a risk, and I’d lost. I wanted more of Duncan, but he clearly wanted nothing more from me. That didn’t mean I had to brush it off and pretend it was no big deal. Pretend I could move past it and just go on working for him when I felt so used and discarded. I did not have to be a martyr and stick around here, enduring this thing that was making me feel bad. Not just bad about the situation, but bad about myself.
I’d had enough of feeling bad about myself, I didn’t need to volunteer for another helping. But I couldn’t blame Duncan for this. Only I had power over my own life. Thusly, a decision was made, and while it made me sad, I felt clearer about it than I had about anything in a long time.
When my shift ended I walked through the main club and went into the back room to change. There were a few other staff in there, so I meandered over to the corner and pulled out my phone, searching for Paulo’s number, my old manager at Immunity. Sure, the place wasn’t ideal, but I didn’t have to let it wear me down. My strength and confidence had to come from within, not exterior forces. I could handle it. What I couldn’t handle was continuing to work here after what had happened between me and Duncan. If he’d not decided to avoid me so completely, I probably could have handled it. But after tonight, I realized it was too much for me. I wasn’t wired for this. I wasn’t hardened enough to endure it.
I was aware this was an emotionally-fueled decision, and it probably had some spite attached, after learning Duncan had been right out front having drinks with Shaylin and Greg. After having to deal with that guy Dana, and hearing about how great it was kissing the man I was i
nto. I knew I should probably talk to Duncan first. He’d taken a chance on me, I probably owed him that. But shit, Duncan was avoiding me at present, and that upset feeling I’d had bubbling up all night was finally boiling over. So I didn’t think. I just acted.
“Hello?”
“Hey Paulo. It’s Zach.”
“Hey, I was just thinking about you yesterday.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. How’s it going? You still at Mythic?”
“That’s what I was calling you about. I don’t suppose you’ve still got room for me at Immunity. I know it’s been a while since we talked.”
“Fuck. I think I love you.”
“Yeah?”
“I had two people quit over the weekend. There’s been a lot of turnover to be honest. Guess this place isn’t for everyone. Shit man, you can start tomorrow night if you want. I’ll make sure you get weekends too.”
I sigh leaked out of me. “Consider it done. I’ll come by tomorrow night.”
“Oh great. This is fucking great, Zach. Come in a little early so we can do your paperwork. And dress to kill!”
“Will do. Thanks, Paulo. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
After I hung up, I went to my locker and peeled out of my costume, changing into long shorts and a tee shirt. I ripped my crown of twigs off and threw it forcefully into the locker, then I made my way to Barry’s office.
He was sitting at his desk, hunched over a computer, eyes narrowed in concentration.
“Barry.”
His gaze flicked to me before returning to the screen. “I’m busy, Zach.”
“This will only take a minute.”
“Fine. What is it.”
“I quit.”
He looked up at me. “What?”
“I quit. I’m done. Tonight’s my last night.”
He pushed back from the desk and stared at me, lips parted. “What do you mean you quit? You can’t quit. Duncan’s totally invested in you. He just gave you a promotion.”
My heart sank a bit at the mention of Duncan, and for a moment, my resolve weakened. But I knew I’d still feel like this tomorrow. I was owning it. I shouldn’t have slept with the boss. But I had, and it had consequences. I couldn’t live like this, couldn’t work like this, and I knew it. “Tell Duncan I’m sorry. But this is something I have to do.”
“You’re serious?”
“Yes. I’m done.”
Barry blew a breath out. “Well, shit.” He shook his head, then stood, stepping around his desk and extending his hand. “All right, Zach. It’s been a pleasure working with you.”
I shook his hand, feeling sad. “You too. Thanks for everything, Barry.”
I went home and took a shower, then sprawled out on my bed. Duncan was still on my mind, but I heard nothing from him, and that was all right. The pain would go away, eventually. I’d figure out my life, eventually.
The important thing was I was putting myself first for once. And I would be all right.
Chapter Eleven
Getting back into the swing of things at Immunity was easier than I expected. I poured margarita mix over tequila and shook it up, smiling at the young men who sat at the bar and watched me. I was dressed in a super-tight shimmery black tee shirt and tight jeans, but I felt comfortable in this environment, happy to be out of that wood nymph costume. Dance music pumped through the sound system, and I swayed my hips as I poured the drinks.
There were a lot of fresh young faces, but also a lot of people who recognized me, happy to see I’d returned. Sweaty men danced on the lighted floor, then poured up to the bar, thirsty and waving their cash. The tips had been piling up faster than I could count them, and once again I had that comfortable feeling, that I would be okay. I was a survivor.
I hadn’t heard from Duncan all day, and my heart hurt because of it. Surely he’d heard by now that I quit. I’d spent all afternoon pondering if he was mad at me or if he just didn’t give a shit. I honestly didn’t know. I’d expected a phone call, even if he was pissed. Especially if he was pissed, wanting an explanation. But I’d gotten nothing. Which reinforced the theory I’d been leaning toward for a while now—that Duncan sincerely did not give a shit about me.
But once I got to work, the lights and the laughter and the music brought me out of it. I was too busy to agonize over the gorgeous older man who’d lured me in with his charm and blown my mind in bed. The Other Stengel was apparently out of my life now, and I’d just have to push through my feelings until I made it out the other side.
As the night grew later, several customers propositioned me. I declined, but it didn’t bother me the way it used to. It didn’t matter what they thought of me. I knew who I was now, and I would decide my value.
At the end of the night I counted my tips, and was flabbergasted. I’d never made money like this at Immunity when I worked here a couple years ago. Were young gay men getting more generous? Maybe it was my confidence. I hadn’t possessed any back then. But tonight I was on, smiling and flashing my moves, feeling in my element again. I was a bartender in a dance club pickup joint, and that was okay for now. I was making a living, and I would not be ashamed.
I was on an independence high as I walked home from the club, proud of myself for getting out of that bad situation at Mythic. And it was bad, emotionally and professionally. But I’d recognized that I was getting down on myself, that I’d made a mistake. And I’d rectified it. Might not sound like much, but to me it was a big deal. In the past, I would let bad situations go on and on, putting my own feelings last.
Another plus was that Immunity was in my neighborhood, so I could walk back and forth to work, get drunk after my shift if I wanted, leave the house only fifteen minutes before I started. I felt light, at ease, and in control.
Until I approached the door to my building, and a voice behind me said, “What exactly do you think you’re doing?”
I whirled around. Duncan stood on the sidewalk, hands in his pockets. He looked gorgeous in brown dress pants and a black silk shirt, open at the collar, that silver chain glinting under the streetlight. A warm night breeze ruffled his brown hair, his sparkling eyes narrowed. I felt that gaze like an electric jolt run through me. I hadn’t seen him since the night we spent together, and in my reprieve, had vastly underestimated the effect he had on me. And I couldn’t believe he was outside my apartment building at this ungodly hour.
“Duncan.” I walked toward him, my keys jangling in my hand. “What are you doing?”
“Me? What are you doing? I showed up at the club tonight to find out you’d quit.”
“Shit, really? I figured Barry would have told you sooner.”
“So it’s true?” He took a step toward me. “You quit?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk to you. You weren’t around. It’s just something I felt I needed to do, Duncan.”
His eyes traveled over me, assessing my appearance. “Nice shirt. A little tight, don’t you think?”
I was taken aback. The comment was very un-Duncan-like. “Tight? After that forest creature costume you had me wearing? I don’t think so.”
“That was part of a theme. You’re walking down the street like this.”
I stepped forward, tilting my chin. “Like what?”
“Like you’re advertising your body.”
My brows shot up. I hadn’t thought Duncan possessed that Stengel sucker-punch like Corey. I hadn’t thought he could be mean. I was mistaken. “Did you just say I look like a whore? You, who dressed me up and called me your little wood nymph before you fucked me?”
“I never said little. And I don’t recall ever claiming you were mine. Though I was quite drunk the night I took you home, so I can’t be sure.”
“I see. Well, you didn’t seem that drunk. Didn’t affect your performance much.”
“I have a lot of experience fucking while intoxicated. It’s like muscle memory.”
Ouch. What the hell was happening? “Are you delibera
tely trying to hurt my feelings, Duncan?”
“Hurt your feelings?” He closed the distance until we were eye to eye. “You walked out on the job without a word to me. You just…left. With no explanation. That hurt my feelings, Zach. That hurt me a lot.”
“You’ve got my recipes. You can train someone else to run the garden bar.”
“I don’t care about the fucking recipes!”
I flinched. Duncan wasn’t much of a swearer. Those eyes that were usually dancing with teasing humor, now looked tight with anguish. “Do you want to go upstairs so we can talk without standing on the road and drawing attention to ourselves?”
He gave me a slight nod. “If you’re comfortable with that.”
“I’m not. My apartment is shitty and I’d rather not show it to you. But I do want to talk. I’m sorry I left the way I did. I had my reasons.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “Reasons you opted not to share with me. I’m feeling a little blindsided, Zach.”
“Okay, I can understand that. You want to come upstairs and talk then? So I can explain?”
“Sure. I’ll come up for a minute.”
Duncan looked weird and out of place standing on my sidewalk in his nice outfit, and he’d likely look weirder still in my tiny apartment. But I was done playing the shame game with myself, so I unlocked the door and led him inside.
He said nothing as I trudged up the three flights of stairs, just followed quietly behind me. When I unlocked my apartment and led him inside, he paused for a moment, glancing around. Shit, at least I’d cleaned. But the surprise in his expression tried to activate my shame again. He’d clearly not expected my home to be quite this small.
I shook it off and tossed my keys on the counter. “The sofa’s kind of lumpy. You can just sit down on the bed.”
“I’ll stand.”
“Suit yourself. You want a drink or something.”
“I’m fine.”
Damn, he was being chilly. I kicked my shoes off and went and sat on the bed, propping pillows behind me and crossing my legs. Duncan strolled over and stood at the end. “What happened, Zach?”