Ready for Love

by Catherine Maiorisi

  She slept until noon. Now she lay in bed. Thinking. For more than twenty years she’d stood on the sidelines watching and longing for Darcy but she’d never spoken to Darcy about her feelings. Darcy was one of the kindest and most caring people in her life, so it wasn’t as if she would have slapped her down or laughed if she’d tried to get back together. Instead, she’d jumped into bed with anyone who came onto her or any woman who attracted her. Tori’s comment bounced around in her head. Was she right? Had Renee used Darcy as a shield to keep anyone from touching her heart? But why? She was sure that kind of hang-up usually came from some trauma in your family or childhood. But her parents were still very much in love and they’d always been loving and supportive of her. And she’d had a happy childhood. Hadn’t she? Did it matter? She didn’t need to know why she was holding on to Darcy. She needed to figure out how to let go of her.

  She checked the bedside clock. Time to get ready for lunch with her parents before their flight home but she needed to figure this out and continued to mull over the issue in the shower. Almost twelve weeks to New Year’s Eve but given she’d already committed to be in Paris with her family the weeks of Christmas and New Years, she really only had ten or eleven weeks to work through her feelings for Darcy. Not a lot of time but it had to be enough because she was determined to be free of Darcy when she saw her again in Paris.

  Last night, thinking she needed to start putting herself out there to meet women again, she’d changed her mind about giving away the two tickets she’d purchased for the Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art next week. Instead, she’d invited her cruising buddy Maya to go with her, knowing they’d walk in together, then be free to circulate on their own and leave alone or with someone else. Were her feelings for Darcy holding her back? In any case, she would be forty soon. And Darcy was a married woman. Time to be done with her. If she was going to change her life she needed to do something different. And she knew just who to call.

  Chapter Two

  Renee was shocked to hear Darcy’s husky voice when she answered her phone the Saturday following the wedding. “Aren’t you on your honeymoon?”

  Darcy’s silky laugh reminded Renee of things she was definitely trying to forget now that Darcy was married. “Technically, I guess. But we’ve been busy getting my aunt and uncle ready to fly to Italy with Andrea’s parents tonight, and helping Francine and Jennifer settle into the downstairs apartment, so for me, the honeymoon will start when our plane takes off for Greece tomorrow night. Are you free for brunch tomorrow? Just the two of us?”

  Renee hesitated. Was Darcy mad? Talking about being in love with her when she’d just married someone else was totally inappropriate. “Am I in trouble?”

  This time Darcy’s laugh was hearty. “No, sweetheart, I feel the need for closure with you and I hope you’re willing to humor me.”

  Renee should have expected Darcy’s call. Always so careful with the feelings of her friends, Darcy would want to make sure Renee wasn’t hurting. A burst of love warmed her, love for the friend who probably knew her best of almost everyone in the world, the friend who took time away from her new wife to make sure her ex-lover was all right. To avoid the tears threatening, Renee sang, “I will always huuuumor youuuu” to the tune of “I Will Always Love You.”

  Darcy harmonized with her and they repeated the lines a couple of times, then she laughed again. “Pretty cheesy, Renee. It’ll be quiet around here tomorrow afternoon so come about noon. If it’s another warm day we’ll eat in the garden. And don’t worry, Gregg will cook, not me.”

  “And Andrea is all right with this?”

  “She might object if I was planning to seduce you but she’s fine with us meeting to talk about our torrid past.”

  Renee cleared her throat. “Um, sorry, I didn’t mean to imply—”

  “Damn it, Renee, I’m the one who should apologize. I didn’t mean to make light of…us, of our past. I love you and I really want us to finally…” Darcy sniffed and was silent for a moment. “I hate being so emotional these days. I want us to put the past behind us. And, yes, Andrea is all right with it. She knows everything. She actually figured it out on her own that first weekend we were all at Fire Island. But she trusts me. And she knows what it’s like to love someone from afar for years, so she encouraged me to meet with you alone to try to help you work it through. She won’t be here. She’s rented the apartment she owns on the West Side to a family from England and she’s meeting with them to be sure everything is in order before we leave.”

  The next day was one of those cloudless, sunny October days that felt like summer but the cool blue of the sky, the red, yellows, and oranges of the trees turning and the smell of burning leaves signaled autumn. Renee strolled across Central Park to Fifth Avenue, then down several streets to Darcy’s house, mansion really, that, with its walled garden, took up about two-thirds of the east side block. An only child, Darcy had inherited her dad’s multibillion-dollar financial empire plus this huge house in the city, the one on Fire Island, another in Palm Beach and her mother’s family villa in Italy.

  Renee mounted the stairs and reached for the bell, but the door opened before she pressed it, and she was face-to-face with Andrea. The warmth of Andrea’s smile and her hug dispelled Renee’s doubts about Andrea’s feelings toward her. “I’m so glad I got the chance to see you, Renee. We really didn’t have much time to talk at the wedding. Let’s be sure to spend some time together in Paris.”

  She kissed Andrea’s cheek. “Maybe after you and Darcy have had a couple of months alone you’ll have eyes for the rest of us.” Though Renee had disliked or, at best, tolerated every woman Darcy had been involved with since Tori, she genuinely liked Andrea, separate from Darcy. “We’ll definitely do something together in Paris.”

  “I have to run. Darcy is reading in the garden. Enjoy your brunch.” Andrea dashed down the stairs and jogged toward the park.

  Renee wandered through the house to the door leading out to the garden. Gregg, the young man Darcy’s Uncle Carlo had rescued from a life of petty crime when he was a teenager, poked his head out of the kitchen. “Ah, Renee. Mimosa or Bloody Mary? Coffee? Or tea? And lemon ricotta pancakes, eggs your way, waffle, chicken sandwich or all of the above? Darcy is having the pancakes.”

  “Good morning, Gregg. Coffee and orange juice. No alcohol. And I’ll go with the pancakes.” She watched him pour her coffee. “I thought you were done here.”

  “I volunteered to cook until the newlyweds leave tonight. Tomorrow I start work with Tori at Buonasola. And then in January I’m off to the Culinary Institute.” He handed her a mug of coffee. “Darcy is in the garden.”

  Renee walked down the ramp. She had lots of fond memories of time spent here with Darcy, reading, making out, and lazing about when they were still a couple or a sometime couple. And, many more recent memories of dinners and parties and quiet brunches like this one.

  Darcy waved from the table under the now almost bare grape arbor. Renee wiped her sweaty palm on her jeans. What the hell was she nervous about? She’d already professed her enduring love to Darcy so what could be so bad? She kissed Darcy’s forehead and joined her at the table.

  “Hey.” Darcy smiled. “I see you have coffee. Did Gregg get your order?”

  “He did. He said brunch would be out in a few minutes.” Images of Darcy in this very spot splayed in a wheelchair with casts on both arms and legs after her car accident, then later struggling on a walker as she recuperated from emergency heart surgery, flashed in Renee’s mind. Darcy had been through a lot in the last six months but today she was strong and healthy and had that newlywed glow. “I don’t have to ask how you’re feeling. You look terrific.”

  “Terrific sums it up.” Darcy gazed at her. “What about you?”

  Another thing Renee loved about Darcy, no beating about the bushes. “I’m good. As we discussed while we were dancing, I want the kind of happiness you’ve found with Andrea and now I have to figure out how to get f
rom here to there.”

  Darcy covered Renee’s hand with hers. “I want that for you too. I was sitting here remembering the day we met. My first sight of you in front of the dorm, tall and gawky and so handsome in your suit and tie staring at me as if I was a goddess. You took my breath away. And I almost dissolved into a puddle later when I discovered you were my mysterious French roommate.”

  Renee closed her eyes remembering that first encounter. “It was magical. I felt like Cupid’s arrow had pierced my heart. Maman had to tell me to close my mouth because my jaw dropped when I heard your voice for the first time. And when I got a look at you I was enchanted.”

  Gregg delivered plates and silverware, two glasses of orange juice, a platter of lemon ricotta pancakes, maple syrup, a large bowl of fresh strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries, a separate dish with sliced mango, pineapple, cantaloupe, and honeydew, and a large carafe of coffee. “Enjoy. Text me if you need anything else.” He walked away humming.

  Renee poured more coffee for each of them while Darcy served them pancakes and fruit. “Still eating healthily, I see. Do you miss the steak and chops and bacon?”

  Darcy sighed. “Sometimes. But then I think about how close I came to dying from that heart attack. I’m trying to take responsibility for what I eat and to eat what’s good for me. Andrea is my wife now, not my doctor, and I don’t want to put her in the position of having to monitor my diet.”

  Renee dribbled a little maple syrup over her pancakes and took a bite. “I guess we’re both growing up. You not eating what you know is bad for you. Me trying to let go of a lifestyle and, um,” she cleared her throat, “a love that I know aren’t healthy for me.”

  Darcy put more strawberries on her pancakes and added pineapple and mango to her plate. “We’re both going to be forty soon so it’s about time we grow up. But there’s a lot to be said for youth, for first loves. I was so in love with you, Renee, that it was almost painful.”

  “And I was out of my mind in love with you, Darcy. I know I screwed us up, but I still don’t know why. Or why we never got together again. Hopefully, forty will bring some insights.”

  “Yet all these years we both acted like this grand passion wasn’t that important. Instead of definitively ending our relationship, we ignored the pain we’d caused each other and acted as if it hadn’t mattered. But first loves are always important. I think talking about it will help you, and me, get some closure. I don’t know if you realize how much you hurt me by deciding at the height of our passion that I wasn’t enough.”

  “It wasn’t—”

  Darcy put a hand up. “Let me finish. Intellectually, I knew it wasn’t about me. But I felt unworthy because you couldn’t commit to me, and because you were always looking for someone else. I thought I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, or sexy enough for you. Yet, I knew you loved me. It was confusing. At first I thought you’d eventually realize it. When I walked away for the last time, I was battered and depressed as hell. Even when I first got together with Tori, you were the one I wanted. It took some months but I slowly fell in love with her and was able to let go of you, of the hope you would realize you wanted me, only me.”

  Deeply ashamed of the pain she’d caused the woman she said she loved more than anyone in the world, Renee was speechless. Finally she whispered. “I’m so sorry, Darcy. I’ve been thinking about you, about us, since the wedding. There’s no defense for what I did to you. I was so self-involved that I didn’t let myself know I was hurting you.” Renee stood. “Can we walk and talk?”

  She took Darcy’s hand. They’d strolled the paths of this garden hand-in-hand like this many times over the years; some strolls were idyllic, some were painful as she tried to heal the wounds she’d inflicted on Darcy, and later all were companionable. “The depth of my feelings for you scared the shit out of me. Sometimes I wanted to crawl inside you or lock our dorm door and never leave. It was overwhelming. Our love woke me, woke my sexuality, it fed me and gave me the confidence I’d never had. It was that sexuality and that confidence that made me desirable to other girls, and, needy twerp that I was, I couldn’t resist. Being wanted made me feel powerful. I believed you would wait for me, that you would be there when I’d had enough, not enough sex, but enough of the ego boost that was like a drug to me.”

  Renee took her handkerchief out of her pocket. She wiped the tears from Darcy’s face and then her own. “When I tried to get back with you at the beginning of our junior year and you refused, I wasn’t worried. In my mind Tori wasn’t your type and you’d dump her in a month. But as the months passed and you spent more and more time with her, I felt you slip away.”

  Darcy squeezed her hand. “I wasn’t looking to fall in love with Tori or anyone. I was waiting for you. But I was wounded and she healed me. I’m a lucky woman. I’ve had three glorious loves in my life. You, Tori, and now Andrea.”

  Renee wrapped her arms around Darcy. “I’ll never understand why I let you go.” Her sobs surprised her. Darcy pulled Renee’s head down to her shoulder, gently rubbed her back and held her while they cried together.

  Once again Renee used her handkerchief to dry both their faces. She laughed. “What a pair we are. Maybe it’s better we’re not together. We’d be crying all the time.”

  Darcy punched her shoulder lightly as they started walking again. “I’m more emotional since my heart surgery. What’s your excuse?”

  “Unrequited love?” Renee stopped to face her. “I’m curious. Did you ever think of getting back together?”

  Darcy nodded. “I seriously considered trying again when you were at Stanford and I was at Harvard, but from your sporadic letters and our occasional phone calls, I got the impression you were still far from committing to anyone. Just the thought of going back to our ping-pong relationship made me sick, so I started dating others.”

  Her need for conquest, or was it affirmation, hadn’t changed until recently. In graduate school she was still jumping from woman to woman, running from anyone who wanted more than a casual sexual fling—except for that one time when she’d wanted more but let her go, or, more accurately, had been let go without a word.

  Darcy was right. Renee probably couldn’t have made a commitment then. “We should write a book. Our relationship has had more angst than a Shakespearean drama. Talk about star-struck lovers. It really seems as if we weren’t meant to be together.”

  “It does. Ironically, minutes before I crashed my car I’d decided to dump Gerri and call you to talk about trying to get together.” Darcy shrugged. “Of course, thanks to Candace, by the time you all found out I was lying here helpless with all four limbs in casts feeling abandoned and spewing my rage at anyone who dared approach, Andrea had appeared and rescued me. And I was smitten.”

  Renee laughed, then doubled over laughing so hard she couldn’t speak. Aware of Darcy’s puzzled look, she fought to regain control. “You won’t believe this, Darce. But I swear I had decided to call you to talk about the same thing, but you were supposed to be in Italy. I thought about flying there so we could talk about it in person but I decided it had waited so long another few weeks wouldn’t matter. I had no idea you were right here feeling alone and abandoned.”

  Darcy hugged Renee. “I believe it. And, again, you’re right. It definitely seems as if the universe thinks we weren’t meant to be a couple.”

  Darcy shivered and pulled her phone out. “I’m getting chilly. After I text Gregg to bring us more hot coffee, let’s go sit and talk about this unrequited love of yours.” She led them back to the table and turned on the outdoor heater. They picked on the fresh fruit until Gregg arrived with a steaming pot of coffee and clean mugs. He poured the coffee, picked up the dirty dishes and the cold pancakes and left them alone again. Renee inhaled the rich dark brew before tasting it.

  Darcy eyed Renee over her coffee cup. “So, my darling Renee, I know I’m special and wonderful and the most gorgeous, intelligent woman you’ve ever met, but I’m still having trouble und
erstanding why you say you’re still in love with me after twenty years.”

  Renee threw her hands in the air and shook her head. “I honestly don’t know. I’ve never thought about why. I just am. Or I think I am.”

  Darcy sipped her coffee. “You and Gina were pretty serious for a while. Were you in love with her?”

  “You knew about that? We kept it pretty quiet.”

  “I ran into Gina on campus right after one of your arguments. She was distraught and needed to talk. I got the impression you were both talking about the long term. And then, you weren’t.”

  Renee flushed. “We were in love for sure. And it was wonderful. Except, she didn’t want to be seen with me because her friends, the other activists in the Black Student Alliance, wouldn’t approve of our relationship. We fought about race constantly. She couldn’t see my point of view and I couldn’t see hers. It was horrible. Right after graduation we realized that being together was more painful than breaking up, so we decided to try being friends.”

  “I’m puzzled. If you were in love with Gina after you were in love with me, why is it you feel you’ve been in love with me since freshman year?”

  Renee wrapped her arms around herself and stared off into the distance. “Good question. I don’t have the foggiest. I just know almost always when I felt myself getting close to someone, it was feelings of love for you that made me push them away.”

  Darcy’s expression made clear what she thought about that. “I find it interesting that as close as we’ve been all these years, you never once mentioned the possibility of us getting back together.” Darcy hesitated, as if unsure of what she was about to say but then continued. “Andrea thought she was in love with Julie for twenty years, but she was holding on because of some childhood trauma. You’ve never mentioned any trauma but there must be a reason you’ve been holding on.”

  Renee took Darcy’s hands in hers. She gazed into Darcy’s eyes. “I swear I’m going to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life. Things are really bad when I’m not interested in sex. And, believe it or not, for nearly a year I haven’t been. I’m ready to change. In fact, I’m starting therapy tomorrow.”