Ready for Love

by Catherine Maiorisi

  Olivia sat back. “Tell me about Gina.”

  Renee gazed out the window. Gina was important to her, yet she’d spent years denying their relationship. “Gina and I were in love and things were wonderful in Paris but once we were back on campus she wanted to hide our relationship. She was a black activist and she was embarrassed to be seen with me because her activist friends thought I was passing. She also felt I was passing, that I had no idea what it meant to be black, no understanding of how a black person is looked down upon. I protested that I did know. I’d read about it and heard her stories. My mom had described the racism she’d faced growing up black in America, and though it was better in France, she and my darker-skinned brothers and sisters had encountered racism there too. Gina insisted that hearing about it or reading about it was not the same as living it, and she pointed out that when I read a book or went to a movie, I could see myself in the characters and that wasn’t true for her. I couldn’t understand what she wanted me to do. I couldn’t change my skin color or how people saw me. If we weren’t fighting over my alleged racism, we were fighting over class—my family being upper class, while she was a scholarship student from a poor working-class family. It got so that the only time we weren’t tearing each other apart was when we were making love.

  “Then the day after we graduated, Darcy, to everyone’s surprise, broke up with Tori, who she adored, leaving all our friends bewildered and Tori heartbroken. Darcy was in pain and I rushed to comfort her, ignoring everything and everybody else. That was the last straw for Gina. We were both so battered and demoralized by our fighting over race and class, by her shame at being with me, and finally, my sudden focus on Darcy when I’d said I was done with her, that it became too painful to stay together. We both caved and gave up on the relationship. Though we’d planned to remain a couple while I was in the Peace Corps and she was at MIT working on her PhD, we agreed to take some space, try to be friends, and see where we were in a couple of years.

  “I understood Darcy was by no means done with Tori, but I wanted to be there for her so I changed my scheduled early June departure for my Peace Corps assignment in Africa to early August. We spent some time at my family’s country home in southern France, some in Fire Island and some in New York City. I kept in touch with Tori, giving her updates and trying to help her deal with her loss, all the while feeling like a traitor because a large part of me fantasized Darcy would get over Tori and come back to me.” Renee stopped to take a deep breath. “Shallow bitch that I am, somewhere in all the caring for Darcy, my feelings for Gina and my relationship with her got lost.”

  “I know you said you don’t know why you buried your experience with Gina and went back to Darcy, but take a minute and see what floats up.” Renee closed her eyes and tried to free her thoughts. After a minute, she opened her eyes. “I don’t know.”

  “She accused you of being a racist, of passing, of denying half your heritage. She was ashamed of you. Don’t think, just tell me how that made you feel.”

  Renee flashed on Gina in tears screaming at her while she cried helplessly. “Hurt, worthless, a coward, rejected. Sad. Unloved.” She blew out a breath. “And guilty.”

  “And Darcy? How did she make you feel?”

  “Even though I hurt her, I always felt loved by Darcy. Important to her. Accepted by her. She never questioned my racial identity. I was who I was.”

  Olivia let her sit with that a minute. “Renee, it’s really important that you talk about your mixed-race heritage and what it means to you, what it’s meant to you.”

  Renee nodded. “All right but not until our next session. Should I talk to Gina about this?”

  Olivia seemed surprised. “Gina is still in your life?”

  Renee laughed. “She and Darcy are my best friends. She’s mellowed over the years. You know when you’re young and militant everything seems black and white but as you get older you start to see the grays.”

  “It’s up to you whether you want to scratch the scabs off old wounds and possibly hurt your friendship. Have you ever talked about it?”

  “Not since we broke up.”

  “I’m seeing a pattern here, Renee. You say you wanted Darcy back but you never brought it up, never tried to make it happen. And now you say Gina hurt you and made you feel worthless but you never discussed it with her after you were no longer locked into your positions. These are your two closest friends? How close can you be if, in both cases, you allow these unspoken issues between you to fester? You and your friends seem to live in a fog of denial.”

  “But they never brought it up either.” Crap. She sounded like a whiny five-year-old. “I’ve talked to Darcy, so I guess I should talk to Gina, but that makes me nervous. What if I find out she still feels that way? What if she hates me?”

  “Do you think that’s how she feels?”

  Renee considered Olivia’s question. She would have sensed it if Gina hated her, wouldn’t she? “No, I doubt she hates me but I’m not sure if she resents me or still believes…those things.” She looked Olivia in the eye. “I guess it’s time to find out.”

  Olivia leaned forward. “In our first three sessions, you’ve given me mostly the facts of your life, but the next phase of therapy will be the in-depth exploration of the things you don’t want to talk about. Are you ready for that? Do you want to continue with therapy?”

  She opened her mouth to answer but Olivia raised a hand. “We have a session scheduled for Monday. I want you to think about it over the weekend. Obviously the feelings beneath your actions are painful or you wouldn’t have avoided dealing with Darcy the first time you were here, and you wouldn’t be afraid to talk about your racial issues. So decide whether you’re ready to take those feelings out and examine them in the light of day. If you are, I’ll see you Monday morning at our usual time. If not, leave a message on my machine.”

  Renee looked Olivia in the eye. “I’ll definitely see you Monday morning.” She left her sitting there with what could have been a satisfied smile.

  Chapter Nine

  It was a glorious October Indian summer Saturday morning and Renee hummed as she put the top down on her BMW convertible. She hummed as she drove to Constance’s building and waited for Constance to come down. And she hummed when she saw Constance exit the building with a huge smile, looking fabulous in close-fitted jeans, a long-sleeved blue T-shirt, and ankle boots. After a brief greeting, she put Constance’s jacket and hiking shoes on the backseat, opened the passenger door and handed Constance a scarf.

  Once settled in the car Constance poked Renee. “Still a butch in good standing, I see, driving a proper butch fancy convertible.”

  Renee responded to the playful tone. “I’ve heard some ladies like a proper butch.”

  “Hmm. Maybe some do.” Constance turned her attention to the streets as they drove out of the city.

  She’d been so thrilled by the idea of spending the day with Constance that she hadn’t stopped to think that this was a peak weekend of fall foliage season so the heavy traffic on the New York State Thruway was a surprise. But erudite and witty as usual, Constance was charming company. In between teasing and telling funny stories they discussed serious topics like Brexit and the current US political situation. And when things got too heavy they switched to their favorite flavor of ice cream, favorite color, favorite place in the world. Renee hardly noticed the stop-and-go driving.

  They arrived in the town of Phoenicia in the Catskill Mountains later than projected but stopped, as planned, at Sweet Sue’s for brunch before driving to the hiking trail a little further north. It was still warm enough to sit outside. Renee ordered the pancake sundae—two inch-thick, plate-sized buttermilk pancakes topped with yogurt, fresh strawberries, blueberries and peaches, and a tasty raspberry sauce. Constance ordered the huevos rancheros, two sunny-side eggs on tacos with black beans, cheese, guacamole, salsa, and fresh coriander. They moaned over the delicious food, shared bites, and continued their nonstop conversation. As they
were relaxing with their coffees, Constance touched Renee’s arm. “There’s something I should have told you the other night.”

  Constance was nervous so suddenly Renee was nervous too. “What?”

  Constance took a sip of water. “When I said I preemptively dumped you to avoid you dumping me, I didn’t tell you the whole story. Remember, you were in your first year of graduate school and I was in my last year of undergraduate school and the dumping occurred just before my graduation.”

  Renee nodded.

  Constance fiddled with a packet of sugar, then looked at Renee. “Sex with you at Stanford was meant to be just playing around before I married a man and my real life started. I don’t know how it was for you but our last few days and nights together were intense and incredible. I felt we were making glorious love, not just having sex. Until then I hadn’t let myself know the depth of my feelings for you, but lying together after making love that last night, I sensed you gently pulling away from me and the possibility of losing you forced me to really look at my feelings. And, for the first time, I understood I wanted you in my life forever. I totally freaked. That wasn’t how my life was supposed to play out. So immediately after I left you the next morning I changed my flight home to a flight that evening, notified the university I wouldn’t be at graduation, packed a few things, and ran back to the safety of England. I couldn’t even say goodbye because I knew if I saw you again I wouldn’t have the strength to leave.”

  Renee eased her chair away from the table and Constance. “How could I not know you were thinking about marrying a man? We’d said we’d be casual, nothing long-term, but we’d been so close, talked so much about everything, I assumed I knew you, assumed your life would be with women, only in London. And I had no idea your feelings for me were so strong. I thought I was the only one who felt we’d made love those last few nights. Believe me, it scared the hell out of me. I hadn’t felt that intimate, that connected, that loving, with anyone for many years. My gut reaction was to ease myself out of the relationship immediately, even though I knew you’d be leaving for London in a week or two.”

  Constance laughed. “How could you have any idea about any of it? I never talked about what waited for me in London because I didn’t want to think about it. I can explain it to you now, but then I had no idea what I was doing. I was just acting on instinct. It took me a couple of years to figure out why I ran.”

  Renee pulled her chair closer to the table. “Thank you for sharing but I’m not sure what this means. For us? Now?”

  Constance squeezed Renee’s hand. “What I just told you was in the interest of full disclosure. I like our plan a lot. You know, going slow, talking, walking, cuddling.” She put her hand on Renee’s knee. “What a pair we are, eh?”

  Were they a pair? Did Constance still feel that way about her? Renee pushed the questions aside. “You don’t know how right you are. So how about we move onto the hiking part of this excursion.”

  “Righto.”

  Renee smiled. She used to love when Constance said that. She moved behind Constance and helped her up. And then it hit her. Lady Constance Martindale’s real life was to start when she married a man. Was Constance into men? Maybe the plan wasn’t such a good idea after all. The last thing she needed was to let go of Darcy and fall in love with someone straight, someone who would ultimately be unavailable.

  Renee tried to shake the sadness as she drove them to Haines Falls where they would pick up the trail for the Kaaterskill Falls hike they’d decided on. Neither of them had hiked in years so they’d picked a short trail with some challenges. According to the guidebook, the trail climbed steeply and there were many slippery rocks, roots, and other obstacles, but the view was well worth it. It also said there were a number of deaths on the trail each year. Did being unlucky in love transfer to having bad luck on dangerous trails? Should she cancel the hike?

  She was aware of Constance’s puzzled glances as they drove but she pretended to focus on finding the trail’s parking area. They changed into their hiking boots in the lot and started up the trail. It was gorgeous. Constance took her hand. “I’ve seen pictures of the fall foliage in this part of the States, but the real thing is so much more. The canopy of red, yellow, gold, and green leaves arching over us make me feel as if we’re in the middle of a glorious painting or a box of sixty-four Crayola crayons.” She inhaled. “It smells lovely.” She dropped Renee’s hand and pointed to the trail ahead of them. “I think we’ll need two hands from this point on.”

  It was steep, and as the guidebook warned, the slippery rocks and roots required their full attention, leaving no opportunity for conversation. But from time to time their eyes met and Constance smiled. She looked happy. Renee was happy too, happy to be here with her, but she couldn’t rid herself of the fear that Constance wasn’t who she’d thought she was, that she wouldn’t stay this time either. How foolish to think they could pick up after sixteen years.

  When they reached the base of the Kaaterskill Falls, they found a rock to sit on and admire the two-tiered falls while they drank the water they’d carried in.

  After a few minutes of silence, Constance reached for Renee’s hand. “You’ve disappeared. Have I offended you? Did what I say about wanting more from you back then scare you? Are you afraid of what I want now?”

  Renee squeezed Constance’s hand, not sure if she had the right to ask the question, not sure she wanted to know, not sure of what she wanted from Constance this time around. She could be a coward and lie, but she really wanted to change. And Constance deserved her honesty. She was starting to understand why she didn’t stay around long enough to care for someone, why she didn’t do relationships. This was hard. And she could get hurt.

  Renee shifted slightly to face Constance. She tried to smile but it felt more like a grimace. Constance’s smile was tender. Renee took a deep breath. Her eyes went to the higher of the two waterfalls. All the signs warned about trying to climb to the top of the waterfalls from here. There was no cleared path from here to there and it was dangerous. People died trying. She needed to know if there was a clear path between her and Constance. If not, as painful as it would be, she would say goodbye at her door tonight.

  She cleared her throat. She was about to take her first step on a path she didn’t think was there and was resigned that she might make a misstep and die trying. “You shocked me when you said you were supposed to marry a man. I should have known, I guess, but I thought of you, still think of you as Constance, not Lady Constance. When we talked at dinner the other night I had the impression you wanted to work on being friends but might be interested in pursuing a relationship with me. A real relationship this time, if I can get my shit together. I’ve been trying to reconcile that with you having to marry a man. I know I have no right to ask—”

  “Oh, my sweet girl. I’m so sorry. I gave you half the story, no wonder you’re confused.” She brought Renee’s hand to her lips, kissed her palm, then enclosed the hand in both her hands. “I’ve already done it.”

  Renee pulled her hand away and jumped to her feet. “You’re married?”

  Constance put her head in her hands. “For someone who prides herself on being articulate, I’m making a bloody mess of this.” She looked up. “Please sit next to me and let me blather, and hopefully, clear things up.”

  When Renee was seated, Constance took her hand again. “My parents allowed me to go to Stanford with the understanding that after I graduated, I would come home and marry Nigel, my childhood friend who would inherit his dad’s title one day. That I wasn’t in love with him or, he me, mattered sod all to our parents. So when I realized I was in love with you, I panicked. You must understand. The responsibilities of being the daughter of an Earl were pounded into my head from the moment I was born, and turning my back on what was expected was unthinkable. I was miserable but I knew what I had to do. And I did it. I flew home and married Nigel three months later. On our wedding night I was extremely agitated. I couldn’t stop c
rying. Nigel held me and promised I could tell him anything. We’d been friends all our lives. I trusted him. So I told him I was a lesbian. He dropped his arms and stared at me. I thought I’d made a horrible mistake telling him, but then he doubled over laughing. Turned out he didn’t want to marry me any more than I wanted to marry him. And for the same reason. He was gay. So instead of having sex, we sat up all night and hatched a plan to live separate lives but stay together a couple of years and then quietly divorce.”

  Renee perked up. “Oh, so you’re divorced?”

  “Please let me finish, Renee. I want to get it all out this time.” She kissed Renee’s knuckles. “With the pressure off, our honeymoon turned into a wonderful vacation. We were at a beautiful resort in Greece having fun playing together. But you were always on my mind. I even thought about calling you, but what would I say? ‘Hi, come and join me and my husband on our honeymoon?’ So instead, I decided I’d return with you someday. I even made notes about things I thought you’d like to do. One night Nigel and I got smashed and he proposed we have sex once so we would at least know what it felt like between a man and a woman. It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. And, you can probably guess what happened.” She tightened her hold on Renee. “I got pregnant.”

  “You have a child?”

  “Two.”

  Renee tried to pull away. “So you had sex—”

  “Once. Twins. Two girls. Chloe and Cara. We were devastated when we found out I was pregnant. Neither of us was keen on an abortion but we were considering it until we learned I was carrying twins. We just couldn’t do it. At first we thought we’d go through with our plan of divorcing after a couple of years, but once we held them, we knew we’d do what was best for them. Our new plan was to stay together until they turned eighteen and went off to college or got married or were out on their own.”