Constance’s smile was just as brilliant as Maya’s. She extended her hand. “Very nice to meet you, Maya.” Renee prayed she wasn’t going to be the odd girl out here. Seeing Chloe and Cara approaching she removed her arm from Constance.
Maya took Constance’s hand. “And I’m thrilled to meet you. Renee has been holding out on me. Such a lovely accent.” Maya laughed. Her gaze shifted to Chloe and Cara who appeared next to Constance. “Oh my God, am I seeing triple or are these two beauties yours?” The girls giggled. The stab of jealousy surprised Renee almost more than the image of her hands around Maya’s throat. She and Maya had often competed for women. Until now it had been a game. But it was a game she no longer wanted to play, especially with Constance as the prize.
Maya’s sexy laugh and thousand-watt smile were intended to seduce. “So, are you all ready to sing?”
Constance wrapped an arm around Cara, leaned into Renee and put her other arm around Renee’s waist. “Cara and Chloe are wonderful singers. I’m hoping I don’t embarrass Renee.”
Renee was warmed by Constance’s display of affection. But was she just sending Maya a message? Or did she mean it? Trust me, she’d said. Renee relaxed. Constance tickled Renee’s side. Renee covered Constance’s hand and smiled at her.
Maya met Renee’s eyes. Apparently she’d gotten the message. She cleared her throat. “Well, I’d better get some food before we start. Nice meeting you Constance, Chloe, and Cara. I hope you enjoy our little get-together.”
Maya had backed off and Renee relaxed. “Ready to get something to eat? And drink?”
“We’re starving,” Chloe said. “Do we just serve ourselves?”
“Yes. And sit anywhere,” Renee said.
“I’m hungry too.” Constance tucked her arm under Renee’s. “Maya is quite the flirt, isn’t she?”
So Constance had seen the flirting and had used her to fend Maya off. The all-too familiar feelings of disappointment and sadness filled her. She led Constance to the food table. While they filled their plates, she realized she was doing it again. Constance had given her absolutely no reason to doubt she was where she wanted to be, with Renee. Why couldn’t she trust her? Why did she always choose to feel the rejection? Questions for Olivia but right now she was here with her people, with Constance and the twins, and she wanted to reclaim the happiness and pleasure she felt before she allowed Maya to take it away from her. No, not Maya, she’d done it to herself.
Constance interrupted her internal monologue by taking her hand. “Hey, where did you go?”
Renee squeezed Constance’s hand. “Sorry, I drifted off. I’m right here with you.” She scanned the room for a place to sit and led Constance to a corner sofa already occupied by two women. “Constance Worthington let me introduce Doctors Julie Castillo and Karin Simons.”
Julie stood and extended her hand. “Pleased to meet you. Just Julie and Karin will be fine.”
Constance shook the offered hand. “And please call me Constance.”
While Renee and Julie dragged two chairs over, Karin waved Constance onto the sofa next to her. “Do I hear London in your voice?”
“You do.” Constance settled and swiveled toward Karin. “You’ve been?”
“As a matter of fact, I was born in London,” Karin said. “My dad was a diplomat stationed in London and we lived there until he was assigned to New York City when I was twelve. I loved London and went back after graduating from Columbia University to get my doctorate in clinical psychology at Kings College. Where in London do you live?”
Constance hesitated. “I have a home in Kensington but I actually live in New York City. My daughters and I moved here in late August.”
Karin’s eyes widened. “Kensington is beautiful. If I might ask, what brought you to the States?”
“I went to college in California. That’s where I met Renee. I’ve always loved the US and when my daughters and I needed a change, I decided to move back.”
“Ignore me if I’m asking too many questions. Why New York City and not California?”
Renee sat in the chair she’d pulled over. “Constance is too modest to tell you she’s an artist, a really fine one, and she came here for the art scene. She recently had a very successful, very well reviewed show at the Fine Gallery in Chelsea.”
“You’re Constance Martindale?” Karin brightened. “I read a review of the show and it sounded wonderful.”
Constance blushed but was clearly pleased. “Yes, I started painting under my maiden name and I didn’t want to lose the little name recognition that I had at the time so I never changed it.”
The New York Times review had mentioned that Constance’s husband had recently been murdered so Karin knew Constance had been married, but Renee could see the question in Karin’s eyes about Constance’s sexuality. She decided it wasn’t her place to discuss Constance’s personal life. Besides, the Inner Circle grapevine was alive and well, and she hadn’t attempted to keep her interest in Constance a secret. Judging by the looks and smiles it seemed most everyone got the picture. Since Karin and Julie were new additions to the group, their access to news was probably slower with Andrea on her honeymoon. Renee’s gaze went to Chloe and Cara laughing with the other teenagers. She’d always made a point of not dating women with children so her friends would find her involvement with Constance and the girls surprising. And bringing them to Songfest where she’d never brought a date, must be shocking.
After dinner, conversation was cut short by Maya hitting a chord on the piano. “All right everyone, get your instruments and tune your voices, it’s time. We’ll start with ‘Amazing Grace’ then move down the list our teenage singers are handing out.” Everyone quieted down. Maya hummed the tune then belted out the song in her deep, rich voice. When she completed the first verse, Renee joined in and the others followed one by one. Renee looked down at Constance as her pure soprano joined the harmony. Chloe and Cara settled at Constance’s feet and sang as well. When the group had sung all the verses a cheer went up.
Constance was glowing. “That was beautiful. I haven’t sung in…” her eyes met Renee’s, “…almost a year.” She leaned down to speak to her daughters. “It was brilliant, wasn’t it?”
Renee picked up her guitar and started the next song. Over the course of the evening Renee shifted between her guitar and the piano. Constance and Maya also took turns at the piano. Lead singers varied according to the song and the voice needed. Renee led the last song, Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah,” while Constance and other voices joined in spontaneous harmonizing. The last note was followed by an awed silence as the group contemplated the gorgeousness of their unrehearsed rendition.
“Wow, we are good,” Maya shouted. Everyone laughed and started talking as they gathered their belongings and said their goodbyes.
In the taxi driving across the park, Chloe leaned forward to talk to Renee, who was sitting in the front seat with the driver. “We didn’t know you could sing so beautifully, Renee. You were wonderful. Would you teach us to play the guitar?”
“If you’re serious, I will.”
Cara harrumphed. “Of course we’re serious or we wouldn’t have asked.”
“Well, all right then. We’ll start over the weekend.”
The girls’ high-fived each other and became even more hyped than they’d been after the songfest, giggling, talking fast, asking a thousand questions.
Constance tapped on the plastic separating the driver in front from the passengers in back. “Renee, what would you think about getting out on Central Park West and walking the rest of the way so the girls can decompress?”
“Excellent idea. Please pull over on Central Park West. We’re going to walk.” She paid and they got out. The girls barely missed a beat and strode ahead for several blocks chattering about the evening. Renee and Constance followed at a more sedate pace. They caught up when the twins stopped at a red light.
Chloe, of course, was ready with a question. “So Megan and Moira have
two dads and they thought we had two mums, because you two look like lovers. Are you?”
Renee stiffened. She waited for Constance to reply. “Not at this time.”
“But soon?” Cara asked.
Constance glanced at Renee. “We’ll see.”
The girls grumbled. “Sod it, Mum. Why do adults always say ‘we’ll see?’” It was Chloe again.
“Language, Chloe. We say we’ll see because we can’t predict the future.” Constance put an arm over each of her daughter’s shoulders and pulled them close. “Would it be all right with you if we were a couple?”
The girls exchanged one of those looks, glanced at Renee then moved closer to Constance. Renee could barely hear Cara’s whispered response. “Um, we like Renee an awful lot, but you won’t forget Daddy, will you, Mum?” The pain and despair in the child’s voice brought tears to Renee’s eyes.
“Your dad will always be in my heart.” Constance kissed both their cheeks. “He gave me you two, my most precious possessions. I see him every time I look at you. And nothing or no one will ever be more important to me than you.” Constance’s emotion-filled response punctured Renee’s heart. She wanted a relationship with Constance, but she now understood she would always be the outsider, an intruder in their family.
“Promise you’ll never forget him.” The girls were crying, and as they often did, spoke in unison.
“I promise.” Constance’s voice was strong enough to reassure her daughters.
The very last thing Renee wanted was to hurt Cara and Chloe. Or Constance. And, to be honest, herself. It would be easier to go now than later. She cleared her throat. “I’m kind of tired so I’ll leave you ladies here. I hope you enjoyed Songfest. Goodnight.”
Constance turned and reached for her, presumably to stop her but she moved away quickly and didn’t look back for fear of the three of them seeing the tears leaving her eyes without permission. She thought she heard Constance call her name but it could have been wishful thinking.
Chapter Twenty
“Really, Olivia, I’m confused. I thought the three of them liked me and wanted me in their lives. But Chloe and Cara don’t want me to replace their dad, and Constance says no one will ever be more important to her than them. I’m so embarrassed by the whole thing I’ve avoided my friends.” Renee hesitated and then plunged ahead. “And I canceled my Monday therapy session because I didn’t even want to discuss Chloe and Cara’s rejection with you.”
“I imagine the rejection touched feelings deep inside you.”
“What?” Renee had expected sympathy and support, but instead, Olivia had tossed it back to her. Renee’s stomach clenched. “Of course not. What feelings?”
Not at all disturbed by Renee’s snarky reply, Olivia’s gaze was compassionate and caring. Renee bit her lip, reminded herself Olivia was on her side, and if she wanted to change, she needed to be truthful and take risks. She took a deep breath and thought about it. In the serene safety of this place, secure that Olivia would catch her if she fell, she allowed the feelings to well up. But she couldn’t go there.
She was surprised when Olivia jumped in to give her a hand. Or maybe it was to kick her ass. “Your feelings about not being lovable, not good enough? Have you discussed being biracial with your friends yet?”
This was why she didn’t want to talk about it. Now Olivia was mad at her for not doing what she told her to do. “No. I haven’t felt ready. And I don’t want to talk about it today.”
They stared at each other for a few minutes. Renee knew Olivia would stare at her the rest of the hour if she didn’t speak and another therapy session would be down the tubes. She looked away, breaking the stalemate. “Constance has texted and called but I don’t know what to say and I’m afraid I’ll break down when I talk to her.”
“Would it be so awful for her to know you’re human?”
Renee flushed. “I don’t want her to think I’m weak.”
Olivia responded immediately. “So you would think she’s weak if she cried in front of you? If she showed you her pain?”
Renee felt cornered. “No, of course not. It’s just…I’m afraid I’ll fall apart in front of her, you know, like I do in here sometimes.” She waited for Olivia to respond but she remained quiet. “I guess I want to be strong for her, to prove I can take care of her.”
“Does running from her at the first sign of a potential problem show her your strength?”
Damn, she’d fallen right into that trap. She stared out the window. Would Constance think any less of her if she showed her feelings, her fears, her pain? No. As she’d reminded herself several times, what you see is what you get with Constance. She’s a warm, caring woman who would likely open her arms and offer support. It was all her. Her fear and expectation of rejection. Olivia was right, the biracial issue. She turned at the sound of Olivia’s voice.
“Tell me what you were thinking and feeling right before and then after you heard Constance and…her daughters reject you.”
“Chloe and Cara are their names.” Renee closed her eyes and tried to put herself back on that street corner. “Before is easy. We were on our way home from Songfest and we were all feeling good. I felt happy.”
“What else? Go deep. What were your thoughts?”
Renee closed her eyes again, thinking about Songfest. “I was singing a solo and when I looked up from my guitar, Constance’s gaze was so intense I could feel her across the room. I glanced at Chloe and Cara and they looked proud and loving. I was sure Chloe, Cara, and Constance wanted me in their lives and I felt, I don’t know, happy, elated. And then it occurred to me that we really could be a family.” She gazed at Olivia. “I guess I was wrong.”
“What was it you felt from Constance?”
Renee loosened her tie. “I could be wrong, I mean, she didn’t say anything and it was quite a distance.” She met Olivia’s eyes but her voice was almost a whisper. “I felt she loved me.” Saying it out loud even in this safe place made her anxious.
Olivia gave her space to continue and, when she didn’t respond, helped her out with a question. “How did that make you feel?”
Renee thought back to Songfest again. She was flying high and she’d brushed them away, but she’d heard the voices. “I heard the voices and I felt frightened.”
Olivia let her sit with that before asking another question. “Do you think you were wrong about being a family because Chloe and Cara expressed fear that their mom might forget their dad, who’s been dead less than a year, and she reassured them?”
Renee took a deep breath. “I guess.”
“Did it occur to you that they might have been feeling the same thing as you? That they might have felt love for you and imagined being a family, and that scared them? That maybe they were afraid they were forgetting their dad or letting him down by loving you?”
“But Constance said she would never love anyone more than them.” Renee looked at Olivia, but she could see this was one of those times when it was up to her to process what she’d said. “I see what you mean about the girls. They were close to their dad and I imagine wanting me to be with their mom would make them feel disloyal to him. And Constance loves her daughters more than life. She didn’t say she’d never love anyone else, just not more than them. What an ass I am.”
Renee mulled over those thoughts. She hadn’t considered their feelings, only her own. What a selfish bitch. Olivia’s question interrupted her self-flagellation. “What do you feel for Constance?”
Olivia was being unusually active today. Renee tried not to let her annoyance show, but her voice gave her away. “What do you mean? I just told you.”
As always, Olivia ignored the rebuke and gently but firmly pushed Renee to go deeper. “You just told me how you reacted to what you thought Constance was feeling for you. Since you’re the one in the room with me, I’m interested in your feelings.”
Renee sat up straighter. What did she feel? “Uh, I’m not sure. I enjoy being with her. She’s warm
and intelligent and witty, and I think she wants to be with me.” She hesitated, feeling foolish. “I guess I’m doing it again. Focusing on Constance and not me.”
Silence. Olivia was doing her imitation of a sphinx. Renee ran her fingers through her hair. How was she supposed to know what she was feeling for Constance? She laughed at herself. “Okay, I get it. You can’t tell me what I’m feeling. But I’ll be damned if I know.” Well what did she know? She leaned toward Olivia as if proximity to the therapist would enlighten her. “Unless I’m anxious that she might be dumping me, which is about fifty percent of the time, I’m happy when I’m with her. I never thought I’d want to be with a woman who had children, but I adore Chloe and Cara. I fantasize about spending the rest of my life with the three of them. Constance turns me on and she’s the first woman in nearly a year that I’ve wanted to have sex with.” Renee caught herself. No, that wasn’t it at all. “Correction. I don’t want to have sex. I want to make love to her. But I’m holding back until I figure out my life because I don’t want to screw with Chloe and Cara or do anything to screw up my relationship with Constance, whatever it turns out to be. Constance and I can talk about everything and anything. I told her about Darcy and she understands I need to work it through. But the reality is, I’ve hardly thought about Darcy recently. Mostly, I’m totally in the present with Constance. And when I’m not with her, I think about her, I dream about her. I’m in love with her.”
Olivia had listened intently and she took her usual minute to process what she’d just heard. “Does Constance do anything that makes you feel she’ll reject you?”
Renee’s gaze went to the windows. Did Constance make her feel insecure? “I don’t think so. She’s honest and direct. She’s tried to reassure me that she isn’t going anywhere, but sometimes when we’re talking, she’ll hesitate to answer or maybe she’ll interrupt to respond to the girls or tell them to stop something they’re doing, and in the seconds or minutes I’m waiting for her, I’m suddenly terrified she’s stalling and is going to reject me.”
Ready for Love Page 16