Ready for Love

by Catherine Maiorisi

  “You said you believe Constance wants to be with you, that she loves you, yet you also think she’s going to dump you.” Olivia sipped her tea. “Renee.” Olivia waited until Renee looked at her. “What are you feeling right now?”

  “Sad.”

  “Do you know why?”

  Renee nodded. “I think she loves me. And I’m afraid she’ll leave. She’s done it before.”

  “Her circumstances are different now. But are you feeling like running?”

  “Not this time. I just picture myself watching them walk away like they did the other night, and feeling alone and broken.”

  “You need to dig deep on this Renee. Is it only the biracial issue or is it something more?” Olivia sipped her tea. “Tell me about Darcy.”

  Renee glanced at her phone hoping the session was over. No such luck. “What about her? I’ve told you everything.” Well not everything. “Except that she called me the other day from Sicily where she and Andrea are visiting Andrea’s parents and Darcy’s aunt and uncle. She’s still on her honeymoon, but she was checking in with me to see how I’m doing and to remind me that she expects to see me in Paris New Year’s week.”

  Olivia looked surprised. “You say Darcy encouraged you to free yourself of her so doesn’t it seem counterintuitive for her to call you from her honeymoon?”

  Was Olivia suggesting that Darcy was playing her? Telling her to move on but trying to hold her back? Nothing could be further from the truth. “She’s looking out for me. That’s who Darcy is. Once you’re in her orbit she feels responsible. Besides, despite hiding my love for her all these years, she’s one of my closest friends and I’m one of hers. Though she’s not in love with me, she cares a lot about my happiness. And now that my feelings for her are finally out in the open, she will do everything she can to encourage me to move on. This was actually the second time she called to check that I was in therapy as I’d promised. She knows if I don’t show up in Paris New Year’s Eve, I’ll be making a statement about my feelings for her. I have no doubt she wants me to be happy.”

  “How did you feel talking to her?”

  Renee stared out the window, replaying the conversation and trying to recall her feelings. “I enjoyed it.” She turned to Olivia. “I could feel her happiness over the phone and…I was glad for her. Usually I feel sad, kind of sorry for myself, but not this time. I told her about Constance—”

  Olivia’s eyebrows shot up.

  Renee laughed. “I told you she’s my best friend. She was excited for me. And said she hoped I’d bring Constance and the girls to Paris.”

  Olivia took the cover off her tea and sipped. “So you feel free of Darcy?”

  Renee hadn’t let herself analyze the conversation or her feelings for Darcy or what sharing Constance with her meant. “I’m afraid to say it but I’m pretty sure I am. Free of Darcy.” She threw her arms up in the air. “Mission accomplished.” She lowered her arms. “Maybe.”

  “So will you be going to Paris with Constance and the girls?”

  Would she? It had seemed so far off but Thursday was Thanksgiving and the business class flight she’d reserved months ago was just a few weeks later. Olivia had just let the air out of her. She expelled her breath. “I haven’t let myself think about it and I haven’t broached the subject with Constance because I’m afraid she’ll say no.” Renee’s smile did not reach her eyes. “I guess I do need to think about why I expect her to reject me.”

  “So maybe only part of the mission is accomplished.” Olivia shifted forward in her seat, a sure sign the session was over.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Working in her office the next afternoon, Renee looked up when Jenna, her assistant, cleared her throat. She hadn’t heard her enter. “I’m sorry to interrupt, Renee, but there are two beautiful women in the waiting room and they are extremely anxious to see you.”

  Damn, this had happened before. Two women she dumped getting together to beat on her. But why now? It had been almost a year since she’d been with someone. She really wasn’t in the mood to deal with old stuff now. She’d promised herself she’d call Constance tonight, and not knowing what kind of shape she’d be in tomorrow, she wanted to finish reading this report before she went home. “Two? Did you get their names?”

  Jenna grinned. “Well, they were kind of giggly but I believe they said Chloe and Cara.”

  Renee shot out of her seat. “Here? They’re in the office?”

  “Sorry, should I have said you weren’t in?” Jenna looked upset.

  Were they here to dump her? To ask her to leave Constance alone? “No, no. It’s fine. I’m just surprised. Show them in. No wait, I’ll come out and get them.” Jenna turned. “Wait, you show them in.” Jenna came back and clasped Renee’s biceps. “Geez, Renee, I’ve never seen you so flustered. Take a deep breath and tell me about these girls. They look so young, I hope you’re not fooling around with them.”

  Renee took the recommended breath. “They’re Constance’s daughters. If you’d come to Songfest you would have met them.”

  “And are they somehow responsible for you looking unhappy lately?”

  Renee stepped back. “No, I’m responsible. But they’re sort of involved.” Whatever they wanted, she’d have to deal with it. “Please bring them in, Jenna.”

  Chloe and Cara looked nervous but determined when the door closed behind them. Renee smiled and moved toward them. They flew into her arms, both talking at the same time. So they weren’t angry. She kissed each of them on the forehead and led them to the sofa. Her office door opened and Jenna walked in with a large bottle of sparkling water. After pouring three glasses, she left, closing the door softly behind her. Renee sat opposite them on a club chair. “I’m surprised to see you here. Is everything all right?” She held her breath.

  Chloe spoke. “We want to apologize for hurting your feelings after Songfest the other night.”

  Cara picked up. “We didn’t mean we don’t want you to be with Mummy if that’s what you both want, we just… Do you think it’s possible to be happy and sad at the same time, Renee?”

  Renee took a second to regain control. She really did love these girls. “I do, Cara. It’s confusing sometimes, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, it is. We really, really like you, but you know, sometimes we feel a bit sad about our dad not being here. It’s not like we want Mummy to be alone or anything. We want her to be happy. And we think you make her happy.”

  Renee took a deep breath. “I know how important your dad was to the three of you and I would never want to come between you and your memories of him.”

  Chloe moved forward on the sofa. “Mum’s been miserable since that night. We’ve been begging her to call you but she says she can’t, that you have to choose us or it won’t work.”

  Renee sat on the coffee table in front of the girls and took their hands. “Remember your mum said we both had some problems we need to work out?” Seeing their nods, she continued. “That’s what I’ve been doing.”

  “But you can come back to us while you work on it, right? You were doing that before we messed everything up.” Cara spoke but both girls were looking at her with such hope. “Mummy is such a wreck. She’s not even painting.”

  Chloe jumped in. “We want to cook dinner for you and Mummy tomorrow night. Will you come?”

  “Does your mum know?”

  They exchanged that twins’ glance. “We’ll tell her later if you say yes. Say yes, please.”

  Renee didn’t have to think about it. “Yes, please.”

  Giggling, the girls hugged and kissed her. She offered to get them a taxi but they refused, so she walked them to the elevator.

  “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

  The doorman called up to the apartment and was told to send her up. Clutching the flowers she brought for all of them and a bottle of wine in one arm, she straightened her tie, ran her fingers through her hair and pulled her jacket down as she rode up in the elevator. The girls hadn’t
called to cancel, so either they hadn’t told Constance or she was all right with seeing Renee again. She hoped it was the latter and prayed she was able to talk coherently when she saw her.

  The elevator door slid open slowly and Renee stepped out into the hall, surprised to see a smiling Constance standing in the open door to her apartment. She was so beautiful Renee would have been happy to stand and stare at her all night. Instead she walked over, bowed, and handed her the largest bouquet. “Hi, I’ve missed you.”

  Constance accepted the flowers, sniffed them, and kissed Renee lightly on the lips. “I’ve missed you too. A lot. Come in. Our cupid chefs are busy cooking dinner.” She leaned close. “Rumor has it they bought a love potion from a wizened old woman they found somewhere in the city, and they’ll be dosing us with it tonight.” She hugged Renee and whispered, “They don’t realize it isn’t necessary.”

  Renee was dizzy with the smell of her and the feel of her body pressing against her. Maybe she was more ready for this than she thought. But how do you manage with two nosy teenagers in the house? “Did you send them to me?”

  Constance laughed. “The little buggers took it upon themselves to make things right with you. They felt they’d hurt you and they could see I was distressed by your absence.”

  Renee felt bad about feeling happy to hear that Constance had missed her but it didn’t dampen her happiness. “Let me poke my head in the kitchen and present my flowers. Then I’d like to talk.”

  They sat close on the sofa. “I did it again,” Renee said. “I’m sorry.”

  Constance put her hand on Renee’s thigh. “You’re here now so we’re all right.”

  “But I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of running. And I’m tired of expecting to be discarded.” Constance squeezed Renee’s thigh sending butterflies zipping through her body, making it difficult to concentrate. As much as she wanted to go where her body was beckoning, she knew with only “part of the mission completed,” she wasn’t totally ready to move wholeheartedly into a relationship. She covered Constance’s hand with her own and intertwined their fingers. “Just so you know, when the girls arrived yesterday afternoon, I was working to clear my desk so I could call you last night and have time to recover at home this morning, if necessary.”

  “You thought you’d need time to recover?”

  “I did. I wasn’t sure whether you’d be hurt or angry at the way I dealt with the whole thing, and I was afraid you’d tell me you didn’t want to see me again. That would have devastated me.”

  Constance leaned in close. “So what do you think of your reception so far?”

  “I’m loving it.” Renee leaned in for a gentle kiss.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  The girls were sleepy and uncharacteristically grumpy. The four of then had gone to Central Park West and 80th Street last night to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade balloons blown up. It was thrilling to see all the familiar parade characters grow from limp piles to giant floating figures, but it was late when they got home and the girls were so excited they were awake until almost two in the morning.

  Though Renee arrived early to help bake the three apple and three pecan pies they were contributing to Tori and Elle’s Thanksgiving dinner, she and Constance were not much better off than the twins. Coffee helped. And eggs, fresh fruit, and toast revived them all. After they’d cleared the breakfast dishes, they got to work. Laughing and teasing, the four of them worked together easily, as if they’d done it many times before. Renee and Chloe peeled and sliced the apples while Cara and Constance mixed the dough and rolled out the pie shells. Constance seasoned the apples with lemon juice, cinnamon, nutmeg, and brown sugar, then she and Cara filled the shells, put the top layer of pastry in place, crimped the edges, and slit steam vents in each. When the three apple pies were in the oven, they moved on to the pecan pies.

  The baking pies filled the kitchen with the heavenly fragrance of cinnamon and nutmeg and pried loose Renee’s memories of cooking with her mother and feelings she hadn’t experienced since she left home for college. Comfort. Home. Family. This was what she wanted. To be with Constance. To be with Chloe and Cara. To be a family.

  Once the pies were baked and the kitchen cleaned, the girls decided naps were in order and scampered to their bedroom. Renee had brought clothes to wear to the dinner later but she considered leaving so Constance could nap. Constance seemed to sense her discomfort and put a hand on her arm. “Stay. You can nap in the guest bedroom or you can nap with me. I have a king-size bed. We’ll leave the door open so we don’t go astray and the girls don’t get the wrong idea.”

  How could she turn down an offer like that? They stretched out, facing each other, one on each side of the bed with considerable space between them. Though they didn’t touch or speak, their eyes locked and erotic tension sparked between them. Constance extended her hand and Renee reached out. When their fingers touched, Constance’s eyebrows shot up, but she maintained the eye contact. Renee watched Constance’s eyelids drift closed, then closed her own eyes. As she dropped off to sleep Renee imagined she heard Constance whisper sweet words.

  When Renee opened her eyes, she was alone in the bed. She listened to the shower and wondered whether she’d dreamed that connection. Then the girls ran in and it was all up and at ’em. It didn’t take long for the four of them to shower and dress, pack the pies and head crosstown to Buonasola, which Tori and Elle had closed for the day.

  As usual, Tori and Elle had rearranged the room so long tables with food lined the sides of the dining room. Renee counted eight turkeys and five hams, a couple of roast beefs, some dishes labeled vegetarian and dishes piled high with various rice stuffing and bread stuffing and sausage stuffing and apple cranberry walnut stuffing. The guests provided most of the rest of the food, usually a dish that was a family favorite like the trays of lasagna, eggplant parmesan, and moussaka, and the sides tables were loaded with sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, sautéed mushrooms, Brussels sprouts, broccoli di rape, creamed oysters, smothered string beans, collard greens, various cranberry concoctions, and a couple of veggie grain salads and green salads. Of course, there were lots of desserts in addition to their pies.

  Constance and the twins stared gaped-mouth at the food-laden tables. “Wow, this is definitely a Thanksgiving feast.” Constance made no attempt to tamp down the awe in her voice.

  Chloe poked Renee. “Do gourds and mead and dancing girls accompany this feast?” Renee poked smart-mouth Chloe back. “Only after the knights and gladiators finish their business.”

  Chloe put her pie on the nearest table before doubling over with laughter but Constance had to put a hand out to steady Cara who was laughing so hard she looked to be in danger of dropping her pie. Renee used her phone to take pictures of the girls doubled over and texted them to their phones. Finally back in control, Chloe picked up her pie. “Very good, Renee. Now where do we put these pies?”

  Renee led them in the direction of the dessert tables and after the four of them deposited their pies, Chloe and Cara made a beeline for Moira and Megan, the friends they’d made at Songfest.

  Renee scanned the crowd. It seemed to get bigger each year as the members of the Inner Circle had children and brought friends and lovers, just as she had brought Constance and the girls. She estimated sixty including Gregg and some bus and wait staff with no family and no place to have Thanksgiving dinner who volunteered to help, then join them for dinner.

  People were milling about talking to each other, greeting friends and introducing themselves. Renee waltzed Constance around the room introducing her to friends who hadn’t been at Songfest, like Francine and Jennifer. Although she was sure word about her and Constance had spread, Renee expected and got lots of raised eyebrows, gentle elbows in the side, and whispered questions. Constance took it all with good grace and even teased her about it.

  Gina and Beth found them helping themselves to wine. While Beth engaged Constance with questions about their latest ice-skating e
xpedition, Gina hugged Renee and asked quietly. “How’s it going? The three beauties are still with you, I see.”

  “Yes, they’re still with me.” Renee laughed. “For the most part it goes well, but I seem to be a master of screwing myself up.” She gazed at Constance talking animatedly with Beth. “And I really don’t want to screw this one up.”

  Gina squeezed her arm. “I’m here if you need me.”

  Olivia’s idea of talking with her friends about being biracial popped into Renee’s mind. Constance had picked up on their strong connection when she met Gina at the ice skating rink. It wasn’t just that they’d had a year-long relationship in college. But their connection had continued after their breakup and beyond the occasional sex they’d shared since and deepened over the years into a strong, loving, and supportive friendship. She would trust Gina with her life, and had, over the years, trusted her with all of her inner feelings. Well, most of them. Though she and Gina had already talked about race in the context of their relationship, she would definitely contribute to a more general discussion. As would Beth.

  Renee’s gaze fell on Elle escorting additional guests to the food tables. She trusted Elle as well. And there were others. Could she do it? Could she bare her soul? Would it help? “You know Gina, there might just be. I’ll get back to you later.” As Gina turned away, Renee gazed into space, weighing the idea of a gathering at her house.

  “Hey, bub. Have you abandoned me?” Constance appeared at her side, jolting Renee out of her reverie. “What? Of course not, I was lost in thought.”

  “Hey Renee. Nice to see you and the girls again, Constance.” They greeted Joel and Erik, Megan and Moira’s dads. Joel cleared his throat. “Um, Renee, you know Megan and Moira are mixed race, right?”

  “I do.” Renee glanced at the girls huddled with Chloe and Cara and all seemed well. Funny, she’d never noticed how Moira presented white while Megan was darker, definitely not white. “Are they having problems?”