Emotional Geology

by Linda Gillard

  ‘Yes, Gavin would never miss a chance for a piss-up with the lads.’ Rose looks down at the floor, then out of the kitchen window, avoiding Megan’s eyes. ‘Simon’s married, you say?’

  ‘Yes. Last November.’

  ‘We lost touch... I lost touch with all of them. Afterwards. It was a shame. I missed them.’

  ‘Simon asked after you.’

  ‘Did he?’

  ‘Yes. Sent his love.’

  ‘Bless him... And he told you? About Gavin?’

  ‘Yes. He’d had the news from Dave. Dave was with Gavin when the accident happened.’

  ‘Oh... Was Dave all right?’

  ‘He broke both legs.’

  ‘Oh, my God... But Gavin - Gavin died?’

  ‘Yes. Massive head injuries.’

  Rose’s hand travels to her mouth, stifling a sound. She swallows. ‘Did he - did he die instantly?’

  ‘No, in hospital. In intensive care. He never regained consciousness apparently.’

  ‘I see.’ Rose is silent, staring at the plume of steam rising from the kettle.

  ‘He wouldn’t have wanted to die any other way, Mum. He was doing what he loved, what he lived for. It’s what Gavin would have wanted.’

  Rose lifts her head and finally looks at Megan, a strange light in her eye. ‘Now that’s where you’re wrong. Gavin would have wanted to die on Everest, collapse at the foot of the Hillary Step and lie there, frozen and mummified for all time, so that climbers had to step over his body and salute the fallen hero - that’s what Gavin would have wanted! He would not have wanted to be scraped off the side of the Cuillins and bundled into an ambulance - where’s the glory in that? No, Megan, as mountaineering deaths go, Gavin’s was definitely second division and he would have hated that.’

  Megan has started to cry. ‘Mum, how can you talk like that? You loved him! We loved him!’

  Rose appears not to hear. ‘Was he wearing a helmet?’

  ‘No, I don’t think so.’

  ‘Oh, the vanity of that man! The stupidity!’ Rose opens a cupboard door and takes out cups and saucers, banging them down on the worktop. She yanks open a drawer and rifles noisily through its contents for teaspoons. ‘Where was he buried?’

  ‘He was cremated. Gavin left no will. He never said what he would want in the event of—’

  Rose laughs, an ugly, staccato sound and rounds on Megan. ‘Of course not - Gavin was immortal, didn’t you know?’

  ‘Dave thought he’d want his ashes returned to the Cuillins. He couldn’t go because of his injuries, so Simon and Andy took them and... scattered them.’

  ‘Where he fell?’

  ‘No. They couldn’t face that. They climbed Sgurr nan Gillean. Scattered them from there.’

  ‘The Peak of the Young Men.’

  ‘Yes. Simon thought that seemed appropriate.’

  ‘Yes. Gavin would have appreciated that.’ Her hands shaking now, Rose puts two teabags into the pot and pours on hot water. She replaces the lid clumsily, chipping it. ‘Who did you say Simon married?’

  ‘I didn’t. He married his German girlfriend. Birgit.’

  ‘Oh. Good,’ Rose says absently, staring into space. ‘She was pretty.’

  ‘And pregnant. They’ve got a little boy now.’

  ‘Simon - a father? I don’t believe it!’ Something fleeting, something like a smile passes across Rose’s face, then the blankness descends again. ‘What did they call the baby?’

  Megan hesitates. ‘Gavin.’

  With a howl, Rose picks up the teapot with both hands and hurls it through the kitchen window. Megan screams and grabs her mother, dragging her away from the broken glass, sobbing.

  ‘Mummy! No! Please, no! Mummy! Mummy, please... Please...’

  ~

  Gavin

  falling

  somersaulting...

  The highest high

  The biggest turn-on

  The hardest hard-on

  Death, Gavin.

  Yours.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  When Rose has cried herself into exhaustion Megan persuades her to go to bed, then rings Calum.

  ‘Calum, it’s Megan... Sorry to bother you, but could you come over? It’s kind of an emergency... Mum isn’t well. I’m not sure whether I should ring her doctor. I don’t know what to do for the best, frankly and - well, she wants me to leave.’

  Calum is at the back door four minutes later, his chest heaving. Megan’s heart sinks at the sight, thinking he is having a panic attack, then realises he has run all the way from the caravan.

  ‘What happened? Where is she?’ He shoulders his way past Megan. ‘Christ, what happened to your window?’

  ‘Mum threw a teapot.’

  ‘At you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Where is she?’

  ‘In bed. I think she might be asleep now. Leave her for a bit. I want to talk to you.’

  ‘Is she okay?’

  ‘Yes, I think so, but she’s very upset. She said she wants to be left alone. But I don’t think she should be, Calum.’

  ‘And you say she wants you to leave?... Aye, well, Shona and I will keep an eye on her, you’ve no need to worry.’

  ‘You don’t understand. She’s in a state of shock.’ Calum is very still, his eyes fixed on Megan. ‘You see, I came to Uist because I had some news I wanted to break to her... in person.’

  ‘Bad news.’

  ‘The worst for Mum.’

  ‘Gavin.’

  ‘Yes... He’s dead, Calum.’

  ‘Aye, I know.’

  ~

  Calum pushes the door gently and looks into the bedroom. Rose stirs. He approaches the bed and sits down.

  ‘Rose. It’s me. Megan’s told me what happened.’ He takes her hand and lifts it to his mouth. She opens her eyes but doesn’t look at him.

  ‘He’s dead, Calum. He’s been dead for months, and I didn’t know... Isn’t that strange?’

  ‘You thought you would?’

  ‘Yes, I did. Foolish of me, but I really thought I would... I was packing up my house in July, in Fort William. Getting ready to move. Maybe that’s why I didn’t notice. I was very busy...’ She smoothes the quilt on the bed and slowly traces the pattern of myriad triangles with a finger. ‘I spent years rehearsing Gavin’s death, what I would say, what I would do. I even knew what I would wear to his funeral. And in the end I wasn’t invited. No one knew where I was, I suppose. Or maybe they were all too scared to tell me... He died on Skye, apparently. Bloody idiot wasn’t wearing a helmet.’

  ‘He was.’

  Rose turns to look at him, suddenly alert. ‘What?’

  ‘Gavin was wearing a helmet. It was smashed in, but he was wearing one.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘I was part of the team that brought him down.’

  ~

  ‘So - you’ve always known?’

  ‘No. It wasn’t until Megan mentioned his surname that I realised. Then she described him. I remembered the paperwork. You tend to remember the ones that die... and I always remember names.’ He squeezes her hand. ‘I remembered yours, didn’t I?’

  ‘Tell me what happened.’

  ‘You’re sure?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘It was pretty bad... Gavin’s mate was in a bad way - both legs gone - and it was fairly obvious Gavin wasn’t going to make it. They’d been on the hill a good while before we found them. ‘

  ‘But he wasn’t dead... when you found him?’

  ‘No. In and out of consciousness. He spoke once or twice. Asked after his mate.’

  ‘Dave.’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘Was he in a lot of pain?’

  ‘He was in deep shock, so maybe not... Apart from the head injury, he’d broken an arm. Collarbone too, I suspect. But we made him as comfortable as possible.’

  ‘Did you lower him down on a stretcher?’

  ‘No, he was way too bad for that. The helicopter lifted him
off and took him to Raigmore.’

  ‘Where he died.’

  ‘Aye... I’m sorry, Rose. There was nothing anyone could do.’

  ‘Once you realised... who Gavin was... why didn’t you tell me he was dead?’

  ‘I was going to tell you... when the time was right. But then things got complicated. Between us. And I wasn’t sure how you’d cope with the news.’ He lets go of her hand suddenly and shakes his head. ‘No, that’s a bloody lie.’ He rakes a hand through his hair, screwing up his eyes. ‘I thought if you knew Gavin was dead, you’d fucking canonise the man. You’d love him even more! He’d become the complete mountaineering hero - a dead hero - the best kind! And I knew I couldn’t compete with that, so I didn’t tell you. Sad, selfish bastard aren't I?’

  Rose is silent for a long time. When she finally speaks, her voice is faint but calm. ‘Thank you for being honest with me. And thank you for doing what you could for Gavin. I appreciate that... I’m glad you met him, Calum. I think he would have liked you.’

  ~

  Rose has not moved or spoken for some time. In the bedroom the light is failing and hailstones batter the window. Calum remembers the broken window in the kitchen and wonders if he should go down and help Megan. Peering at Rose he sees her eyes are closed, her breathing is steady. He is about to rise when she suddenly speaks. ‘I can’t believe he’s gone completely. That no one is ever going to see him again. I never really thought I would see him again - though I did wonder for one stupid moment whether he would show up at your party. It had crossed my mind that you might know him. Megan thought I was mad and started to cry... Oh - I see now! Why she cried. Why she said he wouldn’t be there.’ Rose swallows. ‘Poor Megan. I wish I hadn’t been so foul to her about you.’

  ‘She’ll get over it. Megan’s pretty tough. And brave. She didn’t have to tell you about Gavin. She certainly didn’t have to tell you in person.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do you really want to send her away?’

  ‘Yes. I want to be on my own.’

  ‘Rose—’

  ‘I know neither of you thinks I’ll be safe, but I’m sure I will. This doesn’t really make any difference, does it? All the years I lived with Gavin - and without him - I lived with the idea of his death. It’s just finally become a reality. But I need time to think. To think about Megan... about you... and what I’m going to do.’

  Calum is silent, watching Rose’s hands clutch compulsively at the quilt. ‘I think maybe I’m better on my own, Calum... I’m steadier.’

  ‘Rose—’

  She doesn’t meet his eyes. ‘I’m too much for you to take on - too much for anybody. And if you - we - later decided... if it ended, I mean, I’m not quite sure what would happen to me. And you climb, so it would be the same old story. It could happen all over again.’ Before he can reply she says fiercely, ‘And don’t even think about offering to give it up - I wouldn’t believe you for one second! I wouldn’t ask you to anyway.’

  ‘You asked Gavin.’

  ‘How did you know?’

  ‘Guessed. I was married to a woman whose mission in life was to get me to stop climbing.’

  ‘Yes. I did ask Gavin. I begged him.’

  ‘But you’ll not ask me. Why?’

  ‘I wanted Gavin to stop climbing because I couldn’t conceive of surviving his death. I knew I wouldn’t want to. And I had a young teenage daughter and a history of mental instability - to put it mildly... But things are rather different now.’

  ‘You would survive my death.’

  ‘Yes. I would. I would grieve, but I would survive. I survived before I met you, I survived without Gavin - much to my surprise. I think I actually want to live now. But I don’t know what would happen if I got more involved with you, if I... loved you. And I think it would be all too easy to love you, Calum.’

  He bows his head and examines his hands, placing his fingertips together carefully, in pairs, reckoning. ‘So... This is a gentle and elaborate way of saying it’s over?’

  ‘Yes. I’m sorry.’

  ‘You want peace and quiet more than you want to love and be loved?’

  ‘I need that, Calum. To survive. To have any quality of life.’

  He looks up at her, incredulous. ‘What quality of life, for Christ’s sake? Will you no’ at least give us a chance? A six month trial?’

  ‘No. I’d fall in love with you probably. I’d get used to you being there and I couldn’t bear to have all that happiness again and then... just lose it.’

  ‘Jesus, Rose, this is so bloody calculating. I can’t believe this is the same woman I was in bed with this morning.’

  ‘No, neither can I, but that’s the whole point, isn’t it? You were in bed with two women, Calum - at least! And which of them was me? Which of them is me?’

  ‘Not the one living half a life.’

  ‘Oh, really? Am I the one who wants to take you to bed? Or the one who wants to run a mile? The one who trusts you, or the one who thinks all men are treacherous, selfish bastards? Tell me, Calum, which of my feelings are real? Because I can’t tell, you see, I just don’t know! But what I’ve learned is that if I’m half-alive, I stay alive. That’s what the medication does to you. I don’t want the bloody medication - well, not as much of it as I should take - and so I have to find other ways of diluting myself, slowing myself down, limiting what I feel. Can’t you see? It is calculating, because I can’t afford reality - not mine anyway. Tell me how a poet could love and live with such a fake?’

  He stands abruptly, knocking the chair. He catches it as it falls and sets it upright. ‘Okay, Rose, I hear what you’re saying. I don’t bloody agree, but I see why you think the way you do. The word “trust” does not feature in your emotional vocabulary, but I can understand that after the way Gavin and Megan treated you. And, who knows, maybe you’re right to keep away from me. Folk I care for do seem to have a nasty habit of dying on me.’ He grasps the door handle, his knuckles white. ‘If you or Megan need me for anything - anything at all, day or night - you’re to give me a call. And I’ll be bloody livid if you don’t.’

  ‘Thank you. I’m very grateful.’

  ‘Not grateful enough.’

  ‘Calum, please - that’s not fair!’

  He hesitates, looking around the room as if he is trying to fix it in his memory. Without looking at Rose he asks, ‘Do you still want to do the exhibition?’

  She pauses before answering. ‘Do you?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘Well, then... I don’t see why we shouldn’t... If you think it will be manageable.’

  ‘Oh aye, we’ll manage! We’re both brilliant at managing.’

  ‘Calum, please try to understand.’

  ‘I am trying.’ His voice is low, clotted with emotion. She extends a hand towards him. Calum approaches the bed again, kneels and takes her in his arms. His hair still smells of the toast he burned when he made them breakfast. Rose starts to cry.

  ‘Och, wheesht now...’ He kisses her eyelids gently, then her mouth, slowly and at length. When he finally lets her go she stares at his slack, wet mouth, notes his pallor under the day-old stubble and feels her resolution crumble. ‘Go. Please, Calum. Go now. I’ll be alright.’

  He stands again and, without speaking, walks out of the room. Rose listens to his heavy footfall on the stairs with heavier heart.

  ~

  Just before the shutter comes down

  there’s a flicker

  a final flickering of light

  I know that this is it

  .

  Just before the shutter comes down

  there’s a turning of the key

  a bolt shoots home

  I’m trapped

  .

  My mind overflows

  vomits up words

  I panic

  I drown

  .

  You say you’ll come with me

  Would you dare?...

  You would dare.

  B
ut you cannot come

  Because I cannot say when or where I am going

  Or when I will be back

  .

  You see, I never know

  Until it’s too late

  I never know

  Until just before the shutter comes down

  And there’s a final flickering of light

  ~

  As Calum descends the stairs, Megan is sweeping up glass and pottery shards in the kitchen. She calls out. ‘Would you like a bite to eat, Calum? I was just going to make something for Mum.’ When he appears in the doorway she is startled by the change in him. ‘Are you okay?’

  He rubs at his eyes. ‘Aye, I’m fine right enough. As well as can be expected.’

  ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘Rose will tell you. If she wants you to know.’

  ‘How is she?’

  ‘Calm. Frighteningly calm. But who knows what’s going on in her head?... I’m away now to get something to block off that window. Donald has some sheets of plywood, I think... If you’ve any trouble with Rose you’re to ring me - any time, day or night.’

  ‘Thanks. I appreciate it. If she freaks out I will need you, I’m afraid. Gavin and I sometimes used to have trouble restraining her... It takes two people really. Two strong people.’

  Calum watches her wrap the pieces of glass and china in newspaper, registers that her fingers are bleeding. ‘Jesus, Megan - what kind of a childhood did you have?’

  ‘What childhood? I don’t remember any time in my life when I wasn’t aware that my mum was different, that she needed looking after and there was only me to do it. Gavin and I were thrown together. Sometimes it was like we were the parents and she was the child. I don’t know how I’d have managed without him. I think I was just as scared of losing him as Mum was - for different reasons. Maybe that’s why I - I did what I did. I was trying to make him stay. I thought he was going to leave us... and I couldn’t bear it. I wanted someone to look after me. And Gavin was the only one who ever did that. Oh, Mum tried! I know she did her best, but Gavin was the only person in the world who ever made me feel safe. And I loved him for it.’