Craving Cecilia

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Craving Cecilia Page 24

by Jacquelyn, Nicole


  Brenna strode up as Aunt Callie gave Amy a turn holding Olive.

  “Hey, doll,” she said, pulling me into a hug. “It’s good to see you.”

  “Even if I bring doom and destruction with me?” I asked dryly. I couldn’t help myself. Brenna had always been kind to me, but I sometimes wondered if it was all a show to keep the peace. She had to get along with my mom and aunt, not only because their men worked so closely together, but also, she was my brother’s mother-in-law. But she was also Leo’s mom—and I wasn’t exactly kind to him when we were kids, especially after the shooting.

  Brenna let out a little noise of surprise and leaned back, keeping her hands on my shoulders. “Hell, honey,” she said with a little chuckle. “Everyone else has done it at one point or another, myself included—I’d say you’re due.”

  I couldn’t help the startled laugh that fell out of my mouth.

  “I know you’re always nervous when you come back here,” she said quietly. “But don’t be. You belong here as much as anyone else, okay? You keep your chin up and don’t take any shit.”

  “Okay,” I whispered, so quiet I wasn’t sure if she’d heard me until she winked and nodded in approval.

  “Introduce me to your daughter,” she said, letting go of me as she turned toward Amy.

  “This is Olive,” I said, unable to keep the pride out of my voice.

  “Oh, she’s beautiful,” Brenna said, leaning down to run a fingertip along the top of Olive’s hand. “What a sweetheart. How’s she sleeping?”

  Aunt Callie laughed. “We always ask that,” she said, shaking her head. “Like it matters.”

  Brenna chuckled and glanced at me. “That’s true,” she said, grinning. “It doesn’t matter if she’s sleeping a ton or keeping you up at all hours. She’s still a good baby, either way, and I promise it doesn’t last forever.”

  “I think it’s just a roundabout way to ask the mama if she’s gettin’ enough rest,” Amy said, swaying from side to side. “Don’t be afraid to ask for help, if you aren’t,” she said to me. “There’s plenty around here that’ll hold her for a while if you need a nap.”

  “Shit’s been so crazy,” Mark said from behind me as he slid an arm around my waist. “Don’t know if this one’s rested since she gave birth.”

  “Well, that’ll change now,” Aunt Callie said. “I can’t imagine not having a home base while the kids were newborns. It’s good you’re home.”

  The conversation continued and I was thankful for Mark’s arm around me as my mind wandered. Aunt Callie was wrong—I still didn’t have a home base. I didn’t have a home. The clubhouse wasn’t somewhere I could stay indefinitely, and I knew without a doubt that I couldn’t stay with my parents, either. They would let me—no doubt about that—but I refused to move back into that house. The thought of sleeping with the scene of the shooting right outside my window made me want to barf.

  “You ready for bed?” Mark said quietly into my ear.

  I nodded. “Hey, Brenna, where should me and Olive sleep?”

  Brenna looked from me to Mark, then rolled her lips in to keep from smiling.

  “She already set us up in a room,” Mark said. “I’ll show you which one.”

  “Oh, we’re sharing, are we?” I asked, more to tease him than because I cared. I was actually thankful that he’d be close.

  “That’s right,” Amy said proudly. “Make him work for it.”

  “You should be on my side,” Mark replied, acting thoroughly betrayed.

  “Girl power,” Amy replied simply.

  I laughed as Amy handed Olive back to me.

  “I’ll see you guys in the morning,” I told the women. “Well, later in the morning.”

  “Sounds good,” Aunt Callie said with a smile.

  Mark threw his arm over my shoulder as he led me across the room toward the archway that led to the back hallway. As we passed the table where Will was sitting with Molly in his lap, talking to Tommy and Heather, I waved but didn’t make eye contact—I was too worn out to actually engage in conversation with anyone else.

  “Was it as bad as you thought it’d be?” Mark asked as he led me into the room we were staying in.

  “No,” I said with a sigh, laying Olive on the bed. I stretched my arms above my head—my shoulders were sore from being tensed up for the past two weeks. “But Rose and Lily aren’t even here, neither is Trix, and I didn’t talk to either of my cousins’ wives.”

  “You think that would’ve mattered?” he asked curiously, sitting down gingerly on the edge of the bed.

  “Probably,” I replied. “It would’ve been nice to get it all over with at once. Now I have to do it all again in the morning.”

  “I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised,” Mark said.

  “What gives you that impression?” I snapped, frustrated with his optimism. “Was it the fact that my brother left without saying goodbye? Or that my cousins’ wives didn’t come over to say hello? Maybe it was the fact that the club had to ride down to meet us, but my sister didn’t even bother to show up to, you know, say hello or make sure I was okay?”

  “Cam didn’t say goodbye?” Mark asked. “That’s kind of shitty.”

  “He doesn’t owe me anything,” I said, shaking my head. “My mom made sure that I remembered that.”

  “What do you mean?” Mark asked, frowning. “What did she say?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Maybe Lily had good reason for not showing up,” Mark said reasonably. “Maybe she wanted to be here.”

  “Just stop,” I said, my voice almost pleading as any frustration I’d felt was replaced with weariness. “She didn’t come to see me because I was an asshole, okay? Before I left, I was an asshole. Not once—all the time. I was unhappy and I made everyone around me as unhappy as I was. She didn’t want anything to do with me the last time I was home, and she doesn’t want anything to do with me now.”

  “That was years ago,” he said softly, getting to his feet. “How long do you think you need to be punished for that?”

  “I left,” I replied, taking a step back as he reached for me. “I wasn’t ever punished for it. I left and I never had to atone for any of it.”

  “You don’t think banishment was atonement?” he asked softly.

  “Banishment?” I scoffed.

  “Yeah.” His eyes were kind as he stood there, letting me have my space. “There’s a reason why it was a punishment used by different cultures around the world. Separating a person from their family and everything they’ve ever known is one of the most painful punishments there is.”

  “I was the one who left,” I reminded him around the lump in my throat.

  “Which is even worse,” he said gently. “Because you did it to yourself.”

  I dropped my face into my hands as his words sunk in. The first sob was a hiccup, but as he wrapped his arms around me, I lost it.

  He was right.

  I had been punishing myself. I’d been keeping myself away because I’d known how awful I’d been, and I couldn’t stand to take my family down the dark hole with me. I felt like I’d deserved to be alone. That I’d deserved to be separate from my family and the people who loved me, but had no idea what to do with me. Hell, I still felt that way. They didn’t deserve to deal with the mess I was in. It was my mess.

  God, it hurt that Lily hadn’t come to see me. I couldn’t imagine not being the first one out of the clubhouse doors the minute she arrived if the roles were reversed. Even the thought of something bad happening to her made me panicky. In the early days in San Diego, I’d let the anxiety of not being there if she needed me swirl around in my brain until it was nearly debilitating, and I’d had to find out ways to cope so that my thoughts wouldn’t even go there. I’d gotten the fear under control until the last time I was home, when she’d been caught in a house fire. I’d been one of the first people at the hospital then, so frantic to make sure she was okay that I’d parked behind the ambulance and
they’d towed my rental car. The never-ending fear cycle had started up all over again when I’d gone back to California. It was a nightmare.

  So, the fact that she’d refused to even pretend to care whether or not I was home safe made nausea burn in my stomach. Did she really still hate me that much? Even after I’d apologized and tried to make things right? I’d barely spoken to her outside the holidays when my parents passed the phone around when I called, but I thought we’d figured things out the last time I’d seen her.

  “Shh,” Mark said, his hand running soothingly over the back of my head. “It’s okay, baby. Shh. You’re gonna make yourself sick.”

  He shushed me over and over again, but he never let go or stopped running his hand over my hair until I’d cried myself out.

  “I’m done,” I finally rasped out just as Olive began to stir. I wiped at my face as I pulled out of his arms.

  “Hey,” he said, catching me before I could turn away. His hand cupped my cheek as our eyes met. “Everyone’s done shit they’re not proud of, Cec. Give yourself some grace, yeah?”

  “I’ll try,” I replied.

  He huffed. “Good enough.” Leaning down, he pressed his lips softly against mine. “I’m gonna go get our stuff out of the truck. You need anything while I’m out there?”

  “Could you grab me some water?” I asked.

  “Of course. Be right back.” After stealing another kiss, he left the room.

  Turning to Olive, I sighed. I hated that everything about her first month of life was being overshadowed by the monster stalking us. Even introducing her to my family felt strange. I wasn’t ready to show her off, comfortable in our surroundings and sure of our welcome. Even with the older crowd welcoming me back warmly, I still felt like an interloper.

  I also wondered if she’d feel like she was cursed when she was finally old enough to learn about this time in her life—the same way I’d felt cursed when I’d learned about being kidnapped as a baby. I hoped not. It took having Olive to realize that what had happened to me, Cam, and my mom as a kid just sucked. There was no rhyme or reason for it—just a douchebag with a grudge. Somehow, I’d have to make that clear to Olive, too.

  “How you doing, sweet thing?” I cooed, leaning over the bed to stare into her slate gray eyes. “Are you getting hungry?”

  She answered me with flailing fists, and I couldn’t help but grin. Even with everything happening around us, she was like sunlight chasing away the clouds. It was a miracle that I’d grown something so perfect. I couldn’t even keep plants alive, and yet here she was, strong and healthy and getting bigger every day. Even if I got nothing else right for the rest of my life, I was suddenly certain that this was one arena in which I would excel. I wouldn’t allow myself to fail.

  “Jesus,” Mark mumbled as he came in the room a few minutes later. “Seeing you with her is like a punch to the chest.”

  “I’m not even sure how to respond to that,” I replied, taking the diaper bag out of his hand.

  “You don’t need to respond,” he said, rubbing his sternum. “I’ll just have to get used to it.”

  “You’re a big softy,” I said quietly, turning back to the baby.

  “Only when it comes to you,” he said, stepping in behind me so he could kiss the back of my neck.

  “You know I can’t have sex, right?” I blurted, refusing to look at him as I changed Olive’s diaper. “Not for another month—at least.”

  Mark’s hand tightened on my hip before letting go.

  “Where’d that come from?” he asked, moving across the room to drop the rest of the bags on the floor.

  “You’re being sweet,” I replied. I lifted Olive into my arms and turned. “And you were saying all of that stuff in the truck.”

  Mark scoffed. “Cecilia, even if you were all healed up and wet as a rainstorm, I wouldn’t fuck you tonight.”

  I jerked in surprise.

  “You’re dealin’ with a lot of shit right now. It’s not the time to start any of that.”

  “Then why are we sharing a room?” I asked, both relieved and slightly humiliated. A part of me understood what he was saying, but my pride wanted to tell him that I wouldn’t have sex with him ever.

  He looked at me like I was stupid. “I’m not sleepin’ without you,” he said simply.

  “That makes absolutely no sense,” I argued as Olive began to fuss.

  “You want me out?”

  “I never said that,” I replied mutinously. Olive started to cry in earnest, her mouth gaping like a little fish.

  “What is your problem?” he snapped.

  “What’s your problem?” I snapped back.

  “Jesus Christ,” he said over the noise. “Fuckin’ feed her already.”

  “Don’t tell me what to do,” I spat, even as I sat down on the bed and lifted my shirt.

  “I forgot about this,” he said, shaking his head. “The bullshit fights that never ended because they were bullshit.”

  “You know where the door is,” I said flatly as Olive began to nurse and the room got quiet.

  “Yeah, I’ve already been through that door,” he said, staring at me with his arms crossed over his chest. “Even with the bullshit, it’s better in here.”

  His reply completely took the wind out of my sails. Well, shit.

  “You wanna argue with me, fine,” he said quietly. “You wanna take your shit out on me because your family is bein’ assholes—do it. Nothin’ I haven’t dealt with before. But don’t tell me to leave, Cec. You’ve only told me that once before, and I listened to you. That’s not happening again.”

  “Fine,” I muttered, even though my stomach gave a little flutter.

  He sat down on the bed next to me and let out a long breath. “I want to lock us in here and fuck you for a week straight,” he said evenly, though one glance at his hands tightened into fists indicated he wasn’t as calm as he seemed. “But this was a big night for you. Shit, it’s been a massive few weeks. We both know that the minute we fall into bed again, everything’s gonna be so heightened and fucking intense that everything else will fade.”

  “Sounds nice,” I replied, making him chuckle.

  “Yeah, it does.” He leaned over and kissed the side of my neck. “But you need to figure this shit out with your family, and I’ve still gotta make sure you and Ollie are safe.”

  “Do you think she’ll ever be safe?” I asked, cupping her head in my hand. It was so small and fragile that I could see her pulse thrumming in her soft spot.

  “Yeah, baby, I do. I’ll make sure.”

  We sat quietly while Olive nursed, both of us watching her. It seemed inconceivable that anyone would want to hurt someone so innocent and new.

  My eyes were drooping, and I was leaning heavily against Mark by the time Olive was finished. Honestly, even the thought of having to stand up to pull back the blankets so I could crawl in bed seemed like too much work. Mark laughed at me as I groaned.

  “Come on,” he said, helping me to my feet. He pulled the blankets down and helped me sit again before kneeling at my feet.

  “What are you doing?” I asked tiredly.

  “Takin’ off your shoes,” he replied, nodding at my feet.

  Tears made my nose sting as I stared at him. It was such a simple gesture because he knew how tired I was, but it felt big. Really big. Down on one knee, big. Because if a guy that’s been up just as long as you have, and is just as tired as you are, still takes the time to kneel down to remove the shoes that you could easily toe-off yourself—you’ve hit the jackpot.

  “I still have to run to the bathroom,” I cried, unable to stop my voice from wobbling.

  “Aw, sweetheart,” he said reaching up to wipe my tears away as he fought a smile.

  “It’s not because I have to go to the bathroom,” I tried to explain through my blubbering as he got me back on my feet. “You tried to take my shoes off.”

  “I know,” he said, though he clearly had no idea what I was rambli
ng on about.

  After grabbing the diaper bag, I clenched my teeth and stiffened my spine while he escorted me to a bathroom I’d been in a million times before. If we ran into anyone, I wasn’t going to let them see me losing my shit. I reminded myself of that as he gently took Olive from my arms and gave me a pat on the butt to get me moving. When I got out of the bathroom, he was holding a lamp in his free hand.

  I looked at him curiously, but didn’t say anything as we went back to the room. Then I almost lost it again when he laid Olive on the bed and plugged in the lamp, throwing a t-shirt over the shade to dim it, before turning off the bright overhead light.

  Within minutes, I was back in bed, with Olive on one side of me—closest to the wall, and Mark on the other side, his body lined up perfectly with mine. For the first time in hours, I found myself relaxing.

  “Mornin’ is gonna come early,” he murmured into my hair. “Turn that brain off and sleep.”

  “I’m trying,” I replied in a whisper. “You got me a nightlight.”

  “You don’t like the dark,” he replied easily. Within seconds, his breathing had evened out and his arm around my waist relaxed as he fell asleep.

  I knew that the next day was going to be pretty horrible, even if it went better than I was expecting. Seeing everyone and being surrounded by the people I’d left behind was going to be hard, no matter how it played out. It always was. Even knowing that, it wasn’t long before I passed out, too, but before I did, I laced my fingers through his. Just to make sure that he’d be in the same position when I woke up.

  Chapter 20

  Mark

  “Why can’t we be in there?” Eli asked, jerking his head toward the room behind the bar.

  “Nobody goes in there,” I muttered back tiredly.

  “They’re in there,” he pointed out around the toothpick in his mouth.

 

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