by BJ Blakely
He makes shooing motions with his hands. “I’m not into Jasper, dumbass.”
“That’s not what the Big Rig Discord chat says,” I counter wisely.
Lucas snorts. “It’s called joking. Something you apparently don’t recognize these days.”
Uh oh. This can’t be good. I study Lucas’s expression, and I don’t like what I see.
Lucas’s calling me out. He senses I’m in a bad mood. This is his way of confronting me about it, and forcing me to spill my secrets, which I absolutely don’t want to do.
The truth is he’s absolutely right to do this. I haven’t told him about my intense feelings for Logan.
I haven’t even told the chat that Logan and the mystery man are the same person.
I’ve been keeping it inside, like a “real man” is supposed to do.
Lucas, however, doesn’t buy the bullshit about being a “real man.”
He knows the only way to get over your problems is to discuss them, even if it causes emotional pain.
Right now, emotional pain is what I want to avoid most of all.
But deep down I know that talking my problems over with a trusted friend is the only thing that will help.
If I’m honest, Lucas might even offer a solution.
But I’ll be damned if I let Lucas win that easily. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Lucas sighs and unwraps his own chicken sandwich. He sinks his teeth in, and moans.
“Okay,” Lucas says through a mouthful of crispy boneless meat. “I’ll eat. Hopefully, that gives you enough time to drop the masc bullshit and decide to open up to me.”
I scowl at him, but he’s right. “I don’t have any masc bullshit, asshole. I simply don’t want to talk about it.”
Lucas snorts and swallows his bite of food, and washes it down with a sip of the malt.
“Not talking about your problems is the very definition of toxic masculine bullshit.” Lucas sighs and stares dreamily at the sky. “Also, you totally want to talk about it, I can see it in your face. Drop the act.”
I groan and mull this over. I know I can trust him, but I’m fucking terrified of opening up. What if he tells me to haul ass back to Bear Springs and make Logan my man?
Yeesh. Scary.
At the same time, Lucas isn’t a complete hopeless romantic.
He understands I have a life with SUCME Trucking.
He works for them too, and besides, he’s a total player, so he wouldn’t encourage me to screw them over in the middle of busy season by quitting to chase after a guy, right?
There’s only one way to find out.
“I’m ready to be honest now, Mr. Therapist.”
“Good.” Lucas grins triumphantly and flashes me a glistening white smile. I cringe, and look away.
His smile is way too bright for a trucker’s. It’s blinding.
Luckily, his next words distract me from his pearly whites. “Ready when you are.”
I sigh and prepare to tell him the story. “It’s a long story. The good news is you know half of it, so I only have to fill in the end.”
“Perfect.”
“I’ve told you about the mystery man at the Truck n’ Munch. I didn't tell you about the gorgeous waiter I met at Betty’s Biscuits, the best diner in Bear Springs.”
Lucas nods. “I think you mentioned him in the chat. But I don’t know if anything came of it. Go on.”
“Well, my first day there, I met the cutest waiter I’d ever seen. That was the week my rig broke. I was stranded in Bear Springs. But it wasn’t all bad. The waiter was so fucking cute. We’d banter and talk, and we hit it off. Unfortunately, I refused to make anything serious of it. I’m always on the road. The last thing I wanted was another Michael.”
Lucas’s face cringes at the mention of my ex. “Oh God. Please tell me you’re not still thinking about him.”
“I’m not.” I shake my head. “Only that he hurt me.”
“Fuuuck.” Lucas isn’t impressed by this news. “Please tell me you’re not letting the memory of that dipshit impact whatever it is you have with the new one.”
“I wish I could tell you otherwise. But you hit the nail on the head.”
Lucas takes a sip of the malt, and turns his serious eyes on me. “I don’t even know what’s going on, but this is bad. You and Michael nearly broke up a year ago, dude. At this point, he shouldn’t be on your mind.”
I shake my head. “He’s not on my mind. I already said that. But I don’t want to repeat what happened with him. He fucked me over big time, Lucas. You know this. I’ll be damned if I let that happen again.
“Anyways, the waiter and I went out last month. It was the night before I left. Before I asked him to get a drink, I set clear expectations and made sure he knew that I was leaving the next morning. It was supposed to be a one-time drink with no strings or feelings attached.”
I stare gloomily at the table as I say this. Oh, I was so naïve.
Lucas seems to think the same thing. “I’m guessing it didn’t turn out that way.”
I shake my head. “Nope. He shared his life story with me, and I realized my feelings were stronger than I thought.”
Lucas size. “Oh, Jax. I’m guessing this is when you ran away.“
I snort and shake my head. “Not exactly. I was tempted, but I didn’t leave until I found out he was the mystery man from the truck stop.”
Lucas is halfway through polishing off his malt when my words hit him like a fucking freight train. His jaw drops. “What?”
“I said Logan — the waiter I’m in love with and avoiding like the plague — is the mystery man from the bathroom.”
This is too much for Lucas to process. “Holy shit. How did you find this out?”
“We were dancing. It was a Miranda Lambert song. At the end of the song, we kissed, but he pulled out his phone to answer a call. He thought his roommate was calling about a problem with the apartment. Turns out, his roommate was calling from the truck stop stalls. Apparently, Logan had told him about his adventures at the truck stop, and the roommate wanted to try it himself. At least, that’s what I got from the story.”
Lucas is in shock. “What. The. Fuck.”
“It’s complicated. I don’t blame you if you don’t want to respond.”
Lucas shakes his head. “Hell no. This is such a juicy story, so don’t hold back. You’ve already piqued my interest, and I’ll be pissed if you don’t tell me what happened after.”
“It’s not as exciting as it sounds. Jonah called. He told me to hit the road or I was fired.”
“Jesus. So you left him at the bar?”
“Who? Logan?” I ask, swallowing a crunchy fry.
“Yes, dumbass. Who else would I be talking about?”
“Oh.” I’m not sure how to explain myself. “Well, Jonah called, asshole. He said my new route was loaded up. I didn't have a choice.”
Lucas lets out a loud breath. “This is awful.” He sets his empty cup on the table. “Does Logan have feelings for you?”
I bite my lip. “I made him promise not to catch feelings.”
“You didn't answer my question.”
God, Lucas is annoying. “Yes,” I grumble. “Logan has feelings for me. Well, he did. It depends how he feels now that I’ve vanished for a month.”
“And you’re sexually compatible?” Lucas queries.
“Yes. We definitely got each other off in the stalls.”
I don’t tell Lucas that this is the primary reason I left.
The fact that Logan and I were sexually compatible terrified me to the core. It made the date real. Way too fucking real.
Lucas shakes his head. “You’re an idiot.”
I scathe him with a devilish scowl. “I’m not an idiot. I’m protecting my heart.”
“Then you’re a selfish idiot. The fact is you abandoned this poor boy at a bar in Bear Springs. He clearly felt something for you, and if you felt the same, you needed to tell him.”
&
nbsp; “I have a job, asshole. I can’t start a new life in Bear Springs. And I’m not doing a long-distance relationship after Michael. It’s a recipe for disaster. It ends in heartbreak.”
Lucas grits his teeth. “Logan isn’t Michael.” He takes a deep breath and sighs. “I know Michael hurt you, man. But you can’t run away from an incredible guy because you’re afraid he’s going to fuck you over. That’s not how life works. If you ever want to be happy, you have to confront this fear head-on. You can’t avoid it. It’ll keep popping up in other ways if you run from it. You have to face this fucking fear and show it who’s boss.”
His words cut straight to my soul. “I don’t want to get hurt.”
Lucas glares at me. “No one wants to get hurt. But it’s a risk you take for love. It’s better to try and fail than to never try.”
“I doubt he’s even still into me.” My heart breaks as I say this out loud for the first time. “I left him in the middle of the date. Granted, he knew I was leaving the next morning anyways — and he heard me on the phone with Jonah — but I’d be pissed if I were him. I doubt I’d give myself another shot.”
Lucas sighs. “There’s only one way to find out.”
We sit in silence. Birds fly overhead but I don’t hear them. I’m too busy internalizing the meaning of his words.
That’s when Lucas says something that terrifies me to the core.
“Dude.” He reaches across the table and takes my hand. “You met him at the rest stop, correct?”
“Yeah,” I admit, staring at the table. “He rammed his sexy little cock through the hole in the stall.”
Lucas bites his lip. “So he’s clearly comfortable with rest stop hookups.”
“Yeah.”
“So,” Lucas says at last. “If you disappear, it’s not inconceivable that he’d return to the Truck n’ Munch, and hook up with another guy. Right?”
Suddenly, a bolt of terror shoots through my veins. “I didn’t think of that.”
Lucas looks at me knowingly. “I’m not saying Logan would do that. But it’s not out of the question. I hate to say it, but there’s a good chance that, if you don’t return to Bear Springs, he’s going to meet another guy.”
Lucas’s words horrify me to the core.
At once, I picture Logan waiting in the stall, waiting for cock.
He raises his cute knuckles to the stall and taps three times.
Tap tap tap, I wanna suck you off,
But all at once, a second and no less disturbing thought flashes through my mind.
What if Logan returns to the Truck n’ Munch and runs into someone like the man I met yesterday in the bathroom?
And what if Logan, being so sweet and innocent, doesn’t know how to defend himself and gives in — not because he wants to, because there’s nothing wrong with that, but because the man coerces him?
“Holy shit.” My voice is weak, trembling. These thoughts are too dark.
I don’t want to think about Logan fucking someone else in the glory hole, and I especially don’t want to think about a man forcing him to do something he’s not comfortable with.
I hate that this is the world we live in, but there’s no getting around it.
I don’t want Logan to suck off anyone else but me.
Lucas taps my palm. “Are you okay?”
It’s like Lucas’s lit a motherfucking fire under me. “Yeah,” I lie, knowing damn well I’m not okay.
I don’t care about my load, Jonah, or my commitment SUCME Trucking. I want to drive straight to Bear Springs.
I leap up from the table. “I’ve gotta go.”
Lucas smiles. “I’m glad I could help you reach a decision.” He clears his throat. “If I were you, I’d stop by the Truck n’ Munch as soon as you get there. Logan might not be there, but if he is, you have to intercept him at the stall.”
I hand Lucas the money for lunch and thank him again. “You’re the fucking best. I can’t thank you enough.”
Lucas snorts and makes a shooing motion with his hand. “You can thank me by helping me find a cutie like the one you’ve met in Bear Springs. Maybe he has friends you can introduce me to. I’m nearly thirty six, and I’m sick of the hookup life.”
I bark out a laugh as I back away from the picnic table and head to my rig. “I’ll ask him. Bye, asshole.”
“Bye.” Lucas clears his throat. “Ask him if he has any geeky friends. I like guys who are dorks. They’re great cuddlers.”
I barely register these words over the sound of my engine roaring to life.
My heart is racing like a fucking racecar.
For the first time in my life, I’m not giving into fear.
I’m fighting for the man I want more than life itself.
15
Logan
“I’ve seen enough.”
It’s halfway through my morning shift and I’m totally over Forest’s antics.
For the past 20 minutes, he’s been forcing me to watch this awful video of him suckin’ his “boyfriend’s” cock at the truck stop and I’m fed up.
You can only watch your roommate suck trucker dick so many times before you throw in the towel.
Forest groans and crosses his arms. “Come on, dude. I’ve come so far in my blowjob journey, and I want you to see.”
I snort and tie my apron. “See what? You make a fool of yourself in the Truck n’ Munch bathroom?”
Forest scowls. “No, asshole. I want you to see my blowjob skills.”
“Jesus Christ.”
I decide to take matters into my own hands. In one quick motion, I grab the phone and close the Photos app, shutting off the video.
Forest gasps and reaches for the phone, but luckily I see this coming and slip it in my back pocket before he can react.
Forest issues me a curt scowl. “You weren’t even at the good part yet. Thirty more seconds, and he was about to nut.”
A pang of revulsion shoots through me, and I nearly vomit. “That’s so gross. I don’t want to see this.”
Forest sighs in resignation. “Fine. I’ll stop forcing my newly acquired blowjob skills down your throat, if you insist.”
I’ve forgotten Forest only recently discovered he’s bi. My perspective on the situation changes at once.
Forest is trying to own his sexuality. He’s proud of finally admitting he likes men after a lifetime of only fucking women, which is why he’s showing me the video.
But someone’s gotta set him straight and let him know he can own his sexuality without forcing me to watch his homemade porn.
I turn to face him. “I’m glad you discovered your talent for sucking dick. But you don’t have to show me.”
Forest shrugs. “Maybe I like showing off.”
I shake my head. “Fine. I’m not going to kink shame, but maybe post it on TwitHub or PornWorld instead of showing me.”
There are entire communities of people who like showing off. I’m shocked Forest doesn’t know.
Forest scrunches his face. “TwitHub has porn?”
Wow. My friend is oblivious to the ways of the world. “Yes. Throw it online and post it with the tag #gayexhibitionist. You’ll have a legion of horny fans in no time.”
“Thanks for the suggestion, but I’ll pass. I didn't show you the video because I’m an exhibitionist. I showed it to inspire you, because you need to get back into the dating world. I’m trying to convince you to give the Truck n’ Munch another shot.”
Of course he is. God, Forest is annoying. “Showing me a video of you sucking a veiny cock isn’t the way to do it. It makes me never want to step foot in the Truck n’ Munch again.”
Forest groans and shakes his head. “Fine. I fucked up. But my point still stands.”
“What point?”
Forest snorts. “That you’re fucking miserable, asshole. All you do is grumble at work and mope around the house, and I’m depressed as hell living with you.”
“And you think heading to the Truck n’ Munch will s
nap me out of my funk?”
Forest nods. “It has to. You found your first dick love in the Truck n’ Munch. I’m sure you’ll find dick love again.”
“Ugh.” I mull this over, reluctantly.
I hate to admit it, but Forest has a point. I’ve refused to return to the Truck n’ Munch — save for that one time with him or to look for the mystery cock — on the off chance Jax would return.
But it’s nearly been five weeks, so Jax isn’t coming back.
And if Jax is going to let me go so fucking easily, I might as well return to the Truck n’ Munch.
I don’t even need to find love, as Forest says. Coming with something other than my right hand might be enough to cheer me up.
Also, my horoscope this morning totally hinted I might find “someone special” if I open my heart to love, and also that “someone special” might come back into my life if I stop being such a little bitch and running from the benevolent gods of chance and opportunity, so that’s one more point in favor of heading back to the truck stop.
I turn to face Forest. “Okay, asshole. You convinced me. I’ll go after my shift tonight.”
Forest yelps with joy. “Oh my God. I’m so happy for you.”
I clear my throat and shoot him a stink eye. “But only under one condition. You can’t come with. I go alone, or I don’t go at all.”
For some reason, I don’t want Forest tagging along. If he bumps into his regular, it’ll throw my game off.
I can’t suck dick with my best friend getting his rocks off in the stall next to me. It’s gross.
Forest nods. “It’s okay. I’m staying late to help Mary Beth tonight, so I can’t come anyways.”
My jaw drops. “Wait. I don’t have a car.”
Forest shrugs. “It’s only a ten minute walk. Besides, if you run into your mystery man, it’s an excuse to ask for a ride home. Or if you’re lucky, he’ll bring you to his apartment.”
I roll my eyes. “I doubt it, but I’ll give it a try.”
“Later.” Forest waves and heads to the front of house.
I stay in the kitchen, plotting my plan of attack for tonight.
* * *
When my shift ends at nine I take off my apron, hang it on the rack, and after wishing Mary Beth goodnight, head to the Truck n’ Munch.