If Ever I Fall: Book 3 of The Six Series

by Loveday, Sonya

  “Ace, how’s the set up coming along?” Oliver asked.

  “Getting my sights lined up now. Stand by,” Ace replied.

  My stomach clenched as I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  “It’s him, Grant, and I have a clear shot,” Ace said. His tone was calm—deadly—and it sent a rush of adrenaline through me.

  “Hold. Let’s see what he does,” Grant answered firmly.

  EVEN AFTER I ASKED HIM not to go, Aiden just walked away, leaving me in a wake of confusion.

  I didn’t even know what to think of that. I had no hold on him. No reason to think he’d stay only because I asked him to.

  Even understanding my own reasoning, it hurt.

  How the hell had I allowed him to become such an integral part of my life? And with me unknowingly allowing it.

  Where were all my walls… my barriers that had been in place for so long? Had I really had any there to begin with? Had I only been playing myself for a fool all my life, thinking I kept myself guarded and untouched?

  I’d made it as far as the hallway after he’d left, so overwhelmed by my feelings that I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other even if I tried.

  That was where Nadia found me, beating myself up over things I couldn’t change. Selfish thoughts too, considering my aunt and mother were down the hall from me, fighting for their lives.

  “Airen? Do you need some help getting to your room?” Nadia asked, putting her hand on my arm and watching me with eyes that missed nothing.

  I knew Nadia wasn’t one to be fooled, let alone cowed into telling me what I wanted to know. She wasn’t by any means a weak-willed woman, but knowing that didn’t help me figure out how to get the truth out of her.

  She reminded me a lot of Aunt Brenda. Canny at times, secretive at others. To get anything out of Nadia, I’d have to be politely blunt.

  “Thank you. I’d appreciate it,” I answered, allowing her to put her arm around me. Truth was that I really did need her to help me get back to my room.

  “It’s refreshing to hear someone admit they aren’t invincible,” she said, a hint of laughter to her words.

  “Oh, aye, I’m no ashamed to admit my faults. Not that I have many of them,” I joked.

  “Well, I’m impressed regardless. Not many people can take what you’ve been dished out today and still remain upright,” she answered.

  I staggered a bit, cutting a look of confusion at her. “Meaning?”

  “Physically, you’ve been through hell today. Mentally as well,” she said, giving me a sad smile that spoke of compassion. “Maybe after you rest a bit, I can take you back to visit your mom and aunt. If you’re up for it, that is.”

  I nodded. “I’d like that.” As we neared my room, I swayed, legs threatening to buckle underneath me.

  Nadia pulled me a little firmer against her side and kept us moving. “He’ll be back before you know it.”

  I jerked in response. “Who, Aiden?”

  She didn’t answer me until we passed the threshold to my room and she’d helped me into bed.

  Fluffing the pillow and pulling the covers up to my chin, she reached out, tucking my hair behind my ear. “I can see how this situation has pulled the two of you together. I just want you to know that Aiden will be fine, and he’ll be back as soon as he can.”

  Hearing her say that flooded me with more questions than I could ask at once, so I settled for the one that confused me the most. “Who is Aiden? The real Aiden, I mean.”

  Her eyes fluttered closed for a brief second, and then she sat down on the bed beside me. “He’s the same Aiden you know.”

  I made a feeble attempt at a huff and said, “That’s no true. The Aiden I ken worked for my aunt at her coffee shop. It’s clear as day that it’s way more than that. It’s also clear to me now that he’s somehow associated with you and Agent Jackson. What I want to know is, how?”

  She watched me for a moment, staring at me in thought as if weighing her decision on what she would say, or maybe how much she would say. “There are things I can’t tell you. Things for Aiden’s sake, and those he’s connected to, have to remain unknown for their safety. What I can tell you is that the Aiden you’ve come to know, character wise, is who he is and will always be.”

  Nadia squeezed my hand and stood in one move, retreating from further questions. She said, “I’ll be back later to check on you. Try to get some rest.”

  Nodding, I closed my eyes so she couldn’t see the disappointment raging there. I waited until she closed the door behind her before I opened them again.

  I didn’t know which feeling to allow myself to fall into. Grief or anger? Both emotions pulled at me. Hard.

  There was a soft knock on my door before it opened slowly, revealing Father McKinnon. “May I come in?” he asked.

  “Please,” I answered, gesturing to the chair beside my bed as I pushed myself to sit up.

  “I thought maybe ye could use something to eat,” he said, setting a small, insulated lunch bag down on the bed beside me.

  My stomach rumbled in response as the realization hit me that I hadn’t eaten a thing all day. “Thanks.”

  He smiled, turning his eyes up at the corners as they twinkled. “Is there any word on Brenda and Mina?”

  My fingers stilled on the zipper of the lunch box as my stomach formed into one solid ball of ice.

  Seeing me turn statue like, Father McKinnon took the bag from me and opened it up, pulling out a bottle of water and handing it over. “One must keep the body strong in order to continue on. No matter the outcome.”

  Curling my hand around the cold, plastic bottle, I made no move to open it.

  “I’ve been doing a lot of praying since they brought ye in, Airen. Words lifted to His ears for Brenda, Mina, and yerself. And I’ve come to an understanding,” he said, giving me a half smile.

  “We appreciate it, Father. But you and I both know that faith can only get ye so far sometimes.” After the words left my mouth, I wanted to recall them all back. It was right awful of me to throw his beliefs in his face when he’d gone out of his way to seek me out and bring me food.

  “Oh, aye. That’s the understanding I came to as well,” he said, watching me intently with his wizened, blue-grey eyes set under twin peaks of salt-and-pepper eyebrows.

  My mouth worked open and closed a few times before I could come up with some sort of response. “Are ye losing yer faith… yer belief?”

  “In him? Never. What I am saying is that sometimes ye need more than just faith… ye need medicine and doctors. For some, that’s the case. For you… food,” he said, pulling out a sandwich and a small container with apple slices.

  “Even those two things can be faulty, Father,” I answered past the lump in my throat.

  “Faith and medicine? I suppose yer right. Nothing is one hundred percent, but still we have to keep believing in something. Otherwise…” he said, leaving the rest of his thoughts unspoken.

  “Aye, but how are ye supposed to feel when both fail ye?” I asked, gripping the water bottle until the plastic creaked from the pressure.

  Father McKinnon took the bottle from my hand, opened the top, and handed it back to me. “Drink some of that, aye?”

  He waited until I put the water to my lips and took a small sip before continuing. “Things fail us all the time, Airen. Whether it be people, medicine or…” He tipped his head, smiling as his face lit up before launching into a story. I’d seen it many a time and knew what was coming. “When I was a boy, I wanted a dog more than anything in the world. I begged and begged for one. Even went as far as building a doghouse out of scraps of wood from an old barn my neighbors tore down. Mum would always tell me each time I asked her that she’d love to get me one, we just couldn’t afford it. See, it was just her and I for the longest time.

  “I prayed, Airen. Night and day for two solid years, but the answer was still the same. We couldn’t afford it. So, I stopped praying for a dog and instead, I s
tarted praying that things would be easier for us. Easier for Mum. And ye know what? Not six months later, my mother met a man, who married her and became my father one year later.

  “The next Christmas, that same man took my mother and me to meet the rest of his family in Ayr. We stayed with his brother for three magical days. And guess what? It just so happened that his brother’s dog had recently had puppies. A litter of five, he’d said, but there was only the one left.

  “Well, my stepfather saw the instant connection between me and that puppy, so we brought it home. Ye see, things happen in the way they’re supposed to. Not from wants, but from needs. My mother could have never given me that dog, without making huge sacrifices for both of us.”

  I understood what he meant with his story, but it didn’t help that my faith wavered over the fact that the only thing keeping both Aunt Brenda and Mum alive were machines and medicine.

  The damage done to them was so extensive that something like praying had no chance of fixing it. Maybe he understood that too, and he was trying his best to justify the situation in the best way possible.

  “Sometimes, Airen, we have to let it all go. Give it up to Him and wait it out. Miracles are called just that for a reason.

  “That same dog? He was a right terror in the beginning. Chewing everything he could sink his teeth into. It took a long time to break him of that habit, but with a little time and a whole lot of patience, I worked with him and he ended up being more than a dog. He was family. That’s not to say he didn't have his moments though.

  “The point is, and this is in my case, I selfishly wanted a dog, prayed for it, not knowing the cost it would have been to my mother. But when I turned my prayers to her and asked something not of myself, things—good things—happened.”

  It was a heartwarming story, but unfortunately, it didn’t quite strike the right meaning for me. My aunt and mother were clinging to life by the help of machines. My crazy uncle was running amok somewhere in Scotland, and Aiden had me twisted in knots.

  “Yer still troubled, lass. What can I do te help ye find a bit of peace?” he asked, sliding forward in his seat.

  My chin dropped to my chest as I answered, “I don’t know. I’m angry and hurt. Scared, even. There’s so much in here,” I said, tapping my fingers against my chest, “that I don’t know how to sort it out. What to think of it.”

  “Would ye like to talk about it? It might make you feel better,” he asked, plucking up an apple slice and crunching it between his teeth. “Have one; you’ll need the energy, aye?”

  I picked one and brought it to my lips, taking a small bite. An explosion of flavor hit my tongue as I chewed. My stomach rumbled in response as I finished off the slice.

  Father McKinnon gestured for me to take another as he said, “Aye, anger. It’s understandable yer angry at the situation, but what fuels that anger?”

  I swallowed the bite of apple as I thought about what he asked. “Well, for starters, I guess ye could say I’m angry with Uncle Robert.”

  “And well, ye should be. I’m angry at him too,” he said.

  I looked over at him, noticing the flush of color that rose to his cheeks. It drove me to ask him, “What makes people think it’s okay to hurt others? What would make a man shoot his own flesh and blood?”

  “Are ye asking me as a man? Or as a man of the cloth? Because, I’ve thought of this on both levels and they’re warring with each other, even now,” he said, sighing.

  It hit me then. Father McKinnon, man of God, wasn’t anywhere near the perfect person I’d thought he was. It made it so much easier to talk to him and not worry he’d judge me harshly for it. I didn’t say anything back as I studied his face, waiting for him to say more.

  “It’s hard to find compassion for someone after they’ve done such a thing as Robert has. The man in me would like nothing more than to take a swing or two at him for it. The other side of that, of me, is seeking answers for his actions and praying for God to do his will. It’s a double-edged sword, Airen, because I want nothing more than seeing him get what he deserves.”

  I blinked, wide-eyed at his admission. “How do you move past it and let go of the anger?”

  He looked past me, over my shoulder, as if the answer were just out of his reach. With a shrug, he said, “Ye just do. Eventually. The thing that matters most right now is that you’re safe. Brenda and Mina are getting the best care possible. We need to focus on being here for them and holding out hope that things work out for the best. Expect the worst and pray for the best, as my mum used to say.”

  “Sounds like something Aunt Brenda would say,” I replied.

  He found my eyes again and smiled. “What else is bothering you?”

  I looked around the room, settling in on my next question. “Who are these people? Do you know them?”

  He sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, worrying the skin to a white line.

  “Please tell me yer not gonna give me the same song and dance everyone else has. I have the right to know what I’ve been brought into,” I said, trying to keep myself from lashing out at him.

  His hand came up, a smooth lift and wave, telling me he wasn’t trying to make excuses, but merely thinking. “Grant came to me a few months ago, long before all of them showed up. He’s a good man, Grant is.” His fingers steepled in front of him as he tapped them against his lips for a moment on a sigh before dropping them back in his lap. “Airen, I gave my word as a man of God that I wouldn’t speak of this. That no matter what, his cause would go with me to the grave. I can’t break that promise, I’m sorry.

  “But I can tell ye that Grant and Aiden are good men. Men you can trust wholly and completely with your life. I know that doesn’t answer yer question. I’m asking you to believe me, based off the fact that I trust them enough to allow them to be here, operating under the protection of this church.”

  Lacing my fingers together in my lap, I thought about what he said. “Ye must have a lot of faith in them and who they are to allow it.”

  He dipped his head. “Aye, I do.”

  “Why? You hardly know them,” I countered.

  “Sometimes, ye have to have faith in people. It’s the only way to truly get to know them.”

  I snorted at that, thinking of Aiden. “But what if yer mislead from the beginning? What if ye didn’t meet the real person, but the one they’re playing at in the beginning?”

  “Ask yerself this… Was it the person or the situation ye were misled on?” he asked, one brow raised as he let that sink in.

  Had Aiden been playing at who he was? I really couldn’t say. If so, he’d been a really good actor. If not, then he really was a great guy.

  Did that matter though? He’d been untruthful from the beginning. He’d come into our lives under false pretenses, and I didn’t know how or what to think of that.

  “Sometimes, Airen, it’s for our own good that we’re not privy to the reasons why. Maybe, we’re just not meant to know them until it’s time. It’s up to us then, when the truth is known, to decide if the intentions were true enough that it doesn’t matter the why anymore.”

  “So it’s okay for someone to lie to us? We should just accept it because they’re a good person when you get down to the crux of it?” I couldn’t believe what he was saying. It was like telling me that I should just omit one of the Ten Commandments he lived and breathed his life by.

  Understanding dawned on his face as he answered me, “Thou shalt not lie. Aye, oddly enough, there are situations where that particular rule can be a bit tricky. And no, I’m not bashing my own religion. I’d rather think that no man, woman, or child could get through life without one or two lies chalked up against them. It’s the intent of the lie, I believe, that makes it a sin. It’s sad, but some people are so quick to judge others and condemn them based off ten rules written a verra long time ago, then to understand the reason why the rule was broken to begin with.”

  Did that make me feel any better? Not really. Aiden h
ad lied to me, not outright, but he’d hid things from me about himself.

  How could I forgive him of that and move past it? Would he even care how everything that had happened affected me?

  Anger rolled through me again. If I’d have known Aiden’s purpose… if any of us had known why Aiden was really there, would we have been more vigilant? More careful? Would it have made any difference in the outcome?

  “Playing the ‘what if’ game will only drive ye crazy,” Father McKinnon said, taking a stab at the thoughts going round and round in my head. “The only thing that truly matters is what happens from here on out.”

  I sighed, not ready to let go of the only things holding me together. My feelings. If I chose to release it all, it might just break me. “I appreciate your advice, Father McKinnon, but it’ll take a little while, aye?”

  The warmth of his smile warred with the hardened shell I was trying my best to wrap around me as he said the one thing that shattered it completely apart, leaving it laying in shards around me. “This is about the young man, Aiden, aye?”

  I swallowed a sob, refusing to give it the power to unleash everything inside of me. Looking away, I gave him his answer by not saying a single thing. And it pissed me off.

  Not the lies or the withholding of truth. Nope. It was the fact that I’d somehow developed feelings for him. Real feelings in a fake situation. Feelings that had snuck up on me. Fast. And I didn’t know what to do with them.

  Worse was, I wanted so desperately to believe that Aiden had been just as caught in the situation as I was, but that couldn’t be true. Not after witnessing the way he interacted with Agent Jackson, and the argument he’d had with the guy he called Ace.

  They’d argued like they’d done it for years. Like they were brothers or something. The way Adam, my best friend, and I had acted all those years ago.

  “Airen, have you ever heard the expression ‘the eyes are the window to the soul’?” Father McKinnon asked, pulling me back to the conversation.