Hidden

by Derick Parsons

  Kate sighed and sat back in her own chair; it really didn’t matter. If it helped to gain Grainne’s trust -and thus confidences- she would gladly make any promise the girl required. Making her well again was the important thing. By any methods necessary.

  ‘I didn’t light the fire,’ said Grainne suddenly, making Kate jump; she had not expected the girl to speak again. She had thought her gone for the day, lost once more in her own private world. Still talking in a small, tearful voice Grainne said broken-heartedly, ‘I didn’t light the fire but I did kill my mother. It was my fault, that’s why Ruddles bit me like that.’

  Instantly alert once more, Kate took her hand again and, acting on intuition, asked, ‘Where did Ruddles bite you?’

  The girl vaguely waved her hand at the calf she had earlier rubbed, ‘On the leg.’

  Kate badly wanted to ask why the dog had bitten her but knew she would not get the truth, and might get no answer at all if Grainne took flight again. Taking a deep breath, she said instead, ‘You did not light the fire last night?’

  Grainne shook her head, her eyes tightly shut and her face screwed up as if in pain. Slowly, gradually, she drew her legs up beneath herself until she was almost in the foetal position, curled into a ball with her pale golden arms wrapped around her slender shins.

  ‘Did you light the fire in your house the night your mother died?’

  ‘No.’

  Kate’s heart stopped for a moment and she had to fight to catch her breath. ‘But you did kill your mother?’

  A tearful nod, ‘It was my fault, it was all my fault.’

  ‘How was it your fault?’

  The question hung in the air like a bomb waiting to explode, but the girl made no answer. Her mouth worked once or twice but nothing emerged and suddenly she dissolved into tears. Kate put her arms around her and held her tightly, murmuring over and over, ‘It’s alright, it’s alright.’

  For a long time they sat in that position, until the girl’s tears subsided into silence. Kate stayed with her long after the tears had stopped, and long after she knew that the girl would not speak to her any further. Not that day. But soon. Soon the weight of grief and guilt would prove too great and Grainne would begin to talk. About everything. And that was when her mind would either shatter forever or true healing would begin.

  At last Kate released her, saying softly, ‘I have to go now. But I will come back tomorrow. And every second day after that until you’re ready to talk. Every day, if you like. I’ll be here to listen to you. But not to judge. Never that.’

  Grainne made no reply, her wet eyes still tightly shut, and Kate stood up and quietly left the room. She made her way back down to the foyer, her whole body tingling with adrenaline. The progress Grainne was making -with no help from her at all- was astonishing, even factoring in all the groundwork Sarah McGrath had done. In fact Kate thought the crisis point would be reached as early as the next couple of weeks, the point where her struggle for sanity would be won or lost.

  Michael Riordan was sitting in the row of guest seats beside the reception desk in the foyer, reading the Irish Times and clearly waiting for her. As soon as he saw her he dropped the paper and got to his feet. He swiftly approached her, saying, ‘Is she okay?’

  Kate nodded without replying, the high of watching Grainne’s re-emergence into the world fading, being replaced with weariness.

  Michael touched her arm, ‘Are you all right?’

  Kate smiled perfunctionarily, thinking that he looked even more tired and strained than she did. Which was saying quite a lot. God, who would ever want to be a parent? The pain, the suffering, the worry; they never stopped, not even when the child became an adult. Only death ended the voluntary servitude. ‘Yes, I’m fine. And Grainne’s going to be fine too. In time.’

  He smiled back, some of the new lines on his face fading, ‘The great healer, eh?’

  Kate fluttered her eyelids and smiled coyly, ‘Why, thank you, I suppose I am!’

  He threw his head back and laughed loudly and unashamedly, exposing his gleaming white teeth, ‘I meant time was the great healer and you know it.’

  Kate laughed too, though quietly and with a lot more reserve, ‘Well, me and time will do the trick between us, I hope. Certainly Grainne is making amazing progress.’

  He stopped smiling and looked at her seriously, his face intent and his pale eyes very sharp, ‘Have dinner with me tonight. Please.’

  Kate shook her head, though with a degree of reluctance; although at times she felt she couldn’t stand him he was certainly hard to say no to. ‘I can’t.’

  His face darkened, ‘The ex is no longer ex, is that it?’

  Kate sighed, ‘He’s more ex than ever. I told him about... well, us.’

  ‘He took it badly?’ he said matter-of-factly, hiding any satisfaction he might have felt.

  ‘No,’ said Kate bitterly, ‘he was over the moon. What do you think?’

  ‘So have dinner with me.’

  She shook her head in amazement, ‘You just don’t know how to give up, do you?’

  He grinned suddenly, and the years fell away from his face, ‘Why do you think I’m so successful? Because I never give up!’

  ‘Well, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I have to work.’

  ‘More night classes?’

  Kate shuddered involuntarily, ‘No. But I want to do some research in the library at Trinity, to look up cases similar to Grainne’s and see what treatment was most effective. I’m rustier than I care to admit but a little bookwork should put that right. Or rather, computer work, since there’s more information on the net these days than in any library.’

  He frowned, ‘Surely any computer would do? Why do you need to go to Trinity? And at night at that. After what happened?’

  She made a rueful face, ‘My computer was stolen, remember? And things have been so hectic since that I haven’t got round to buying a new one.’

  His expression cleared and he grinned again, ‘Well, that solves everything! Because although I’m computer illiterate myself there’s one in my flat. So we can kill two birds with one stone. First dinner, then you can do all the research you want!’

  Kate looked at him dubiously, a glimmer of suspicion in her eyes, and he instantly held up his hands and said seriously, ‘This is a genuine offer, with no strings attached. And there’ll be no attempt at seduction. You call all the shots. And I mean all. Things happened so quickly between us initially that last time I made certain presumptions. I won’t make that mistake again. I won’t even give you a goodnight kiss on the cheek unless specifically requested to do so. In writing.’

  Kate hesitated, very much tempted. Being alone in Trinity at night was the last thing she wanted after what had happened last time, and she could hardly ask Peter to accompany her there. He would do it, she had no doubt about that, but it seemed wrong to ask him. Using Michael’s machine would solve that problem, and give her company for the evening too. Protection. But where would it lead? That was the snag. She hadn’t forgotten last time, and she was damned sure she didn’t want a repeat.

  ‘Let’s be clear here, Michael,’ she said firmly, ‘I do not want a relationship with you. Friendship, if you like, since I’m hoping to be a part of Grainne’s life for years to come, but nothing else.’

  He shrugged, displeased but hardly broken-hearted, and said, ‘If that’s your final word, friendship it is.’

  ‘So, if I agree to go to your place tonight it’s strictly to borrow your computer, no strings attached?’

  ‘Well, that and dinner,’ he said, adding quietly, ‘I give you my word; nothing will happen that you do not specifically ask for. And I mean ask for; I won’t try to read any signals and I won’t try to as much as hold your hand uninvited. Okay?’

  ‘Hang on a minute!’ said Kate suddenly, ‘What about your brother-in-law? He’s home at the moment and you can bet he won’t want me around!’

  Michael looked at her curiously, ‘How did you know he�
��s in Dublin right now?’

  Kate shrugged, ‘He was here yesterday, visiting Grainne,.’ She smiled to herself and said ironically, ‘He introduced himself.’

  ‘Oh? That’s odd; he hardly ever visits her.’ Michael shrugged and said, ‘Well, he’s going back to Cork this morning so you don’t have to worry.’ He lowered his voice, ‘I wouldn’t have invited you if I thought there was going to be anyone around. So what do you say?’

  ‘Okay, then,’ said Kate, ‘As long as we’re clear that nothing is going to happen between us. And thanks. Listen, I have to go to Trinity now so I’ll just see you later, okay?’

  He smiled back at her, ‘Great. You know, when you smile like that I could believe you were going there as a student rather than a teacher. Has anyone ever told you that you look about twelve when you smile?’

  ‘Oh, I needed that!’ sighed Kate, ‘It’s a black lie, but so nice to hear all the same! I’ll call round to your place about eight, okay?’

  He nodded and walked away and Kate turned to Cathy, seated behind her desk, and said, a shade irritably, ‘For God’s sake, Cathy, see that Grainne gets her cigarettes and lighter back, will you? She’s not going to set herself or anything else on fire. If anyone argues, Trevor included, tell them it’s on my authority, and he can ring me on my mobile if he has a problem with it.’

  Cathy gave her an uncertain look, which Kate ignored; she felt sure that Grainne hadn’t started the fire, and posed no threat to anyone. Then who did? There was no answer to that just then and she put it aside till later, walking out of the clinic into the frosty air with a frown on her face and a less impenetrable question on her mind; was she making a mistake remaining friends with Michael? Could she be friends with him, since he still clearly wanted more? Should she just cut him out of her life altogether?

  She sighed as she got into her car: she hadn’t realised just how afraid she had been of being alone that night. Why was she too proud to ask Peter to stick around for a few days, to protect her? Worse still; was that to be her life from now on? Running from one relationship with someone she cared nothing for to another just the same? Avoiding love in case she was asked for more than she felt able to give? It seemed so, especially as fear was such a large part of her life at the moment, and would be until she discovered who had attacked her that night in Trinity. And, of course, why?

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  When Kate walked into Deacon House the next morning Trevor was standing in the lobby, talking to the day nurse. When he saw Kate he broke off abruptly and hurried over to her side, his eyes wide and his expression worried, ‘Jesus, Kate, are you all right? I heard what happened last night on the news and I’ve been frantic with worry! Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to contact you all bloody night!’

  Kate groaned internally; she had been hoping against hope that she might avoid him on this of all mornings. She forced a weary smile as he approached, though it hurt her face to do so. Her left eye was blackened and hugely swollen, meaning she could barely see out of it. ‘I’m all right, Trev,’ she said quietly, ‘It’s just a black eye, nothing serious. I’m more tired than anything, since the police were questioning me most of the night.’

  ‘So what are you doing here?’ he demanded, concern making him sound almost angry. ‘You should be in bed! If not in hospital.’

  Kate slowly shook her head, ‘Please, Trev, don’t give me a hard time.’ Unshed tears glittered in her eyes, ‘I really couldn’t take it right now.’

  All the energy instantly drained out of him and he put his arm around her shoulders and kissed her on the forehead, ‘Sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t mean to shout at you. But you really should be in bed, you know. Resting.’

  She allowed herself to lean against his tall, skinny frame for a moment before straightening up again, ‘I’m going to bed shortly, for about a week, but I want to see Grainne first. I promised her I’d come see her today and I won’t break that promise. Besides, there are things I need to discuss with her.’

  Trevor’s eyes seemed to be boring straight through into her brain but his expression was kind as he gently said, ‘She’s your patient, do what you want. But don’t overdo it. And then get yourself off home, for God’s sake. Grainne won’t suffer a relapse just because you take a day off. I’ve about a million questions for you myself but I’m nobly restraining my curiosity. For your benefit, I might add; God knows what internal injury I’m doing myself.’

  Kate slipped her arm around his narrow waist in a brief, gentle hug and smiled, ‘Yes, Mom, I’ll take care of myself, I promise. And I appreciate you curbing your prurient curiosity. Believe me, I’ll tell you the whole story when I feel up to it.’ She turned and walked over to the staircase, morbidly aware of all the eyes that were following her but too tired to care. After all that had happened to her recently a few people staring curiously at her could safely be classified as the least of her problems. She finally reached Grainne’s new room and, after pausing for her usual, much-needed breaths, tapped gently on the door before saying, ‘Grainne? It’s Kate, may I come in?’

  Without waiting for an answer she opened the door and stepped inside. Grainne was seated in the far corner of the room, a blank, lifeless expression on her face and in her eyes that caused Kate’s heart to sink; just how far had she regressed since yesterday? She was also, Kate was glad to notice, smoking a cigarette; Kate hated smoking but knew the importance of the filthy things to those addicted. Besides, the unfortunate girl had few enough pleasures left in her life.

  Kate brought over a chair and sat beside the girl, looking around the room and reflecting that it wasn’t a patch on Grainne’s original quarters. It only had an ugly view of leaded roofs out of the only window, for a start, and was much smaller and less well appointed. Funny, she hadn’t really noticed the day before. Making a mental note to have Grainne moved back to her old room as soon as the painters were finished repairing the fire-damaged corridor, Kate reached out and touched Grainne’s hand, ‘Are you listening to me, Grainne? I need to talk to you. I have some things to tell you that you need to hear.’

  Grainne showed no signs of response and Kate took a deep calming breath, marshalling her thoughts and wondering just how best to explain matters to the girl. If indeed she could; some of what she had to say would be extremely painful for her, and indeed for Kate to relate, and most of it Grainne would not want to hear. But for all that they were things which had to be said, for both their sakes. But it had been a hellish twenty-four hours since they had last met and she hardly knew where to start.

  ‘Look at me, Grainne,’ she said in a low but firm voice. Slowly the girl turned her head until her remote, empty eyes met Kate’s.

  ‘I know why your dog didn’t protect you,’ said Kate softly, and instantly the girl froze, horror filling her eyes. But this she did not flee, did not attempt to escape to the safety of her magic field as she would once have, and Kate again reflected on what a huge debt was owed to Sarah McGrath.

  ‘Dogs don’t usually bite family members, do they? Only strangers,’ continued Kate gently but remorselessly, watching carefully for signs of fugue. But there were none; perhaps the girl was ready to listen to the truth, if not yet to tell it.

  ‘I want to tell you a story,’ said Kate sadly, ‘A story about a girl who was molested and abused and finally raped by her father. Not once but often.’ She reached forward and took Grainne’s hand, saying softly, ‘A little girl named Katie Bennett.’

  Grainne was listening, there was no question about that, and there was confusion as well fear in her eyes as she met Kate’s gaze for the first time and mouthed, You?

  Kate nodded; old, bitter tears filling her eyes, and the unreasonable but somehow ineradicable guilt staining her cheeks bright red, ‘Yes, me.’

  Perhaps it was her very confusion that prevented Grainne from retreating, or relief that she was not the subject of discussion, but one way or the other her eyes were unusually alert and she held Kate’s gaze, albei
t skittishly.

  ‘It started when Katie was a little girl of ten or so,’ continued Kate in a low, dull voice, hating to probe that old, still painful wound but knowing that she had no choice, that it was the only path to healing. For herself, certainly, and perhaps for her patient too. Perhaps this was the way to reach her, and guide her to safety.

  ‘Sometimes when Mummy was out Daddy would come to her room. He would tell her stories and play with her, and Katie was very happy. But then one night Daddy started to touch Katie, and she was no longer so happy. Because he touched her in secret places, and made her touch him. She didn’t like it, and didn’t want to do it, but he found ways to make her. She was only a child but she knew it wasn’t right, even though Daddy said it was okay. He made it their special secret, and made Katie promise never to tell anyone. Not anyone, not ever. Because if Katie ever told anyone she would never see her Daddy again. And Katie didn’t want that because she loved her Daddy. She hated the things he did, and the things he made her do, but she loved him. He was her Daddy.’

  Tears were spilling down Kate’s face as her blind eyes stared inward into the past, and tears started on Grainne’s cheeks too, and she squeezed Kate’s hand in sympathy as if their roles had been reversed and she were now the bringer of comfort.

  ‘Then one night Daddy got into Katie’s bed,’ continued Kate in a dry, frozen aching voice, ‘And he forced himself inside little Katie. And it hurt so much, and Kate cried and screamed but there was no one there to hear, no one to help her. And afterwards Daddy cried too and promised never to do it again. He hugged and kissed Katie and said how sorry he was, and how much he loved her. He said too that if Katie told anyone he would go to prison and maybe die there, and then she and Mommy would be alone. And Katie kept his secret, though she felt scared and dirty and ashamed and like a bad girl. Partly because she sometimes wished her Daddy would die. And that thought made her feel worse than ever. She wanted to tell her mother everything but she forced herself not to; she kept her promise. Because she didn’t want her Daddy to be taken away. Not on her account. But Daddy didn’t keep his promise. Oh no. For a while he stayed away but soon he was visiting her bed every time Mummy went out, and Katie started to hate her Daddy. She became naughty and started doing badly in school, started being mean to her Mummy and to her friends. Sometimes she even hurt them. And sometimes she hurt herself. But she kept quiet about what was happening because she loved her Daddy as much as she hated him, and she didn’t want to send him to prison. And because she didn’t want her mother to find out what a bad girl she had been. Because she didn’t want her mother to hate her. But one night Mummy found out anyway.’