Duke Grandfather- The Whole Story

by James Maxstadt

  I was fairly certain that she was bluffing, but I also wasn’t willing to risk it.

  “Fine,” I grumbled. I rose to my feet, took her hand, bent over, and brushed my lips across the back of it. “Milady, may I have the pleasure of this dance?”

  She laughed, which always made me smile in return, and we hit the street, joining the others in the fun. More people showed up, and the impromptu ball grew larger. The piper finished his song, bowed in acknowledgment of the applause, and launched into another.

  He was good. Very good, in fact. His songs fit the mood of the crowd, and kept everyone up and moving. Those few who didn’t, sat and tapped their feet in time, or beat their hands on their thighs. When a few more songs were played, the piper lowered his pipe and smiled at us all.

  “Thanks, folks,” he called out, his voice smooth and steady. “That was great fun, but I need to be moving on now.”

  There were assorted groans and cries of dismay at this, but he only smiled.

  “Don’t worry! I’ll be back around soon! I promise! And then we’ll all dance again!”

  Now the crowd cheered and clapped, and Lilly and I joined in. With a flourish of his hat, the piper moved off, raising his pipe again and leaving us with one last tune, a slow, calm measure, which settled us down gently.

  We were sitting back down at our table, out of breath and laughing, when we heard the sudden, startled scream, and then nervous laughter. Before we could react, a mouse ran past us, and out the door, heading off in the same direction that the piper went.

  “Looks like he wants more music, too!” someone quipped, and everyone shared one final laugh, before returning to their private conversations.

  “Thanks, Duke,” Lilly said.

  “No problem,” I replied. And it wasn’t. When Lilly looked at me like that, nothing I could do for her was a problem.

  “Ahhh! Duke! I thought you cleaned under here!”

  After the great night we had, that wasn’t how I envisioned being awakened in the morning. It was back to being a work day, so Lilly would be heading off to the watchhouse soon, and I was going to walk with her, figuring that it was a good day to take a job myself. Before I got up, I lay there with my eyes shut, trying to figure out what she was talking about. I had moved literally every piece of furniture in the place yesterday, I was sure of it.

  Grumbling to myself, I climbed out of bed and staggered out to the living room to see what Lilly was upset about. My favorite chair was pulled back away from its normal spot near the fireplace, and she was pointing at the floor where it had sat.

  “Look!” she said.

  I shuffled over and did as instructed.

  “Huh. Weird.”

  “Huh, weird? That’s all you have to say? If my parents saw that, they’d be sure I was making a mistake.”

  Well, that was hurtful. Bryer liked me, I was sure of it, and not only because I did him a huge favor a short time ago. We were a lot alike, apart from the money and breeding. Still, I could see Lilly’s point. I wouldn’t want to move a chair and see a bunch of dead roaches under it either.

  “I did clean under there yesterday, Lilly. Promise. But it’s all good, I’ll take care of it.”

  “Thank you. And check under the rest too.” She moved off to get ready for her day.

  “I don’t have time,” I called after her. “I was going to walk in with you today.”

  “Uh-uh. You stay here and make sure we got them all this time.”

  “But…”

  “No buts. I’m a big girl and you don’t have to take a job yet. Do it tomorrow, but today, get rid of all of those roaches, wherever they are! Then make sure they can’t get in again!”

  “How am I supposed to do that?” I asked.

  “Figure it out,” her voice floated out from the bedroom. “You’re smart. Most of the time.”

  I did figure it out, and used my head to do it, too. After I moved every single piece of furniture in the house, again, and gotten up all of the dead roaches again, I went to see Petal. Brownie magic is ridiculously powerful, and a lot of it is nature based, or at least that’s what Lilly has told me. I had no idea what that meant, but roaches are animals, so they’re a part of nature. A nasty, icky, gross part of nature, to be sure, but part of it nonetheless.

  Petal talked to the rest of her people and they assured me that they would fix it so that no more roaches, or any other pests, would get into the house. Not only for the duration of our expected visits from family, but for good. They raised their voices in song, which was totally unlike the music of the night before, with a hypnotic quality to it, and my mind drifted off for a few moments.

  I wandered among fields of the funniest flowers, which burst open as I passed, revealing perfectly cooked steaks, roasts, pies and other foodstuffs. The stream that wandered through this meadow flowed with the brownest, tastiest ale ever brewed, and the grass was soft and comfortable, perfect to settle down into, and contemplate life while sipping cool, frothy brook ale, and gnawing on a delicious flower steak.

  Then, the song ended and I was back to the real world, standing in my basement which was being converted into a town fit for six-inch high magical people. Petal and the rest were staring at me with open amusement.

  “Nice,” I said to them. “Anytime you want to send me back there is fine with me!”

  Their laughter was high-pitched and rapid, but there wasn’t a shred of ill-will in it. It was infectious, and I joined in before saying my good-byes and heading back upstairs.

  The cleaning done, for today at least, I decided to head for the watchhouse anyway. If there was something good on the Board, maybe I’d take it and either get it done today, or get an early jump on it tomorrow. No later than 11:00, or soon thereafter, I promised myself.

  “Hey, Sarge,” I said, when I came through the door.

  “Duke,” he replied, as was our custom. “Heard there was a ‘civil disturbance’ in your neighborhood last night.”

  “What? What civil disturbance?”

  “You tell me. Rumor is that a bunch of people were seen gyrating and convulsing on the street. One man in particular was seen in the company of a beautiful, young woman, far too good for him. The fear is that he’s delusional, as well as horribly uncoordinated.”

  “Been working on that one for a while?”

  He smirked. “Ever since Lilly came in, all beaming and told me about your fun last night.”

  “You’re a pip, Sarge. Anything good up there today?”

  He shrugged. “You ask me that all the time, Duke. What do I always tell you?”

  “See for yourself,” I said. “I know, but one of these days you might shock me and end up being helpful.”

  “Now that’s just mean.”

  I rapped on the counter and walked to the Board. There was some good stuff on there, including an actual harpy. That was exciting and gross, all at the same time. Winged creatures are always more of a challenge, due to the fact that they can simply fly out of range, but they usually carry a bigger pay-off because of that. And harpies in general are disgusting. They’re essentially huge vultures, with the heads and breasts of old ladies.

  Not the sort of old lady who gains wisdom and sophistication over the years, but the type that you envision shoving innocent children into ovens inside cabins made of candy. And they still eat roadkill and carrion, so they stink to the high heavens. I know nothing about their “culture”, if they can be said to have any, but they are somewhat intelligent. They talk, even if what they have to say is mostly curses and foul language.

  What was strange, other than there being one in Capital City, was that there was only one. Like most birds, they flew in flocks, so there should have been several. This one was hanging out around a fountain on Silver Tree Lane, one of the high-brow areas of the city. It was leaving its droppings and the remains of its meals around, and the denizens of the street wanted it gone.

  They could, and did, pay well to have nuisances removed from Silver
Tree Lane. Luckily for me, I was the first one to grab it off the Board.

  “I’ll take this one,” I said, walking over to Sarge and showing him the notice.

  “Good one. Pay is nice, and who doesn’t want to shoot a harpy? Even the NHLF couldn’t have a problem with that one.”

  “You wouldn’t think so,” I said, and took my leave.

  According to the notice, the harpy was around pretty much all the time. During the day, it came and went, screeching and verbally abusing whoever came within earshot. At night, it slept on top of the statue, but slept lightly enough that any attempts to sneak up on it resulted in its flapping off, aiming its discharge at its would-be attackers with remarkable accuracy.

  The person who posted the complaint was a nice old gent name Roland Remington, the Fourth. If he was the Fourth, it was the most current edition of a story filled with money and success. His house made most of the other houses on Silver Tree Lane seem shabby. I was sure he could afford to move to one of the really posh neighborhoods higher up on the hill and closer to the Palace. But, maybe he liked being where he was the biggest fish in the pond, or, maybe I was being too harsh, and he wanted to stay where he had grown up. Whatever the reason, the ridiculous amount of money that he was offering to get rid of the harpy probably didn’t even dent his daily tea and crumpets budget.

  “It’s around the corner, Mr. Grandfather,” he told me. A tall, distinguished man, with silver hair and a truly, epic brushy mustache, he stepped out onto the porch of his home to greet me himself, rather than letting a servant do it. That alone gave him a few credibility points in my book. “It perches on top of the War Memorial Statue and makes a mess of it. A perfect disgrace if you ask me.”

  “You can’t even see it from here,” I said, looking up the street in the direction that he indicated. “Why do you care?”

  “I like to take my morning walk there, and sometimes in the evening, Mrs. Remington will accompany me. It’s bad enough having to hear the vile thing when I’m on my own, but I simply will not allow my wife to be subjected to it. Besides that, it’s fouling the statue, and, well, perhaps you’ll understand when you see it.”

  That was good enough for me, although with the amount he was paying, he certainly didn’t owe me an explanation. I took the money, shook his offered hand, which was another check in the plus column, and went after my prey.

  On my way up the street, I reflected on Mr. Roland Remington, the Fourth. He obviously more money than any ten families could burn through in a lifetime, but his demeanor was of someone who still knew its value, and didn’t look down on those that weren’t born as fortunate as himself. In that way, he reminded me of Bryer, Lilly’s father. I wondered if they knew each other.

  When I turned the corner and came to the square, I saw immediately why Roland was so adamant that the harpy be removed. First, it truly was leaving the place a mess. Second, it was fouling a statue that must have meant a great deal to him. The man it depicted was surely Roland’s ancestor, and he was a dead ringer for it, right down to the mustache. I have no idea which of many wars it was supposed to commemorate, or what the man had done, but it was an obvious source of pride.

  The harpy was there, perched on top of the statue, surveying what it surely believed to be its kingdom by this point. It saw me coming and let loose with a string of profanity which was even offensive to me, and I’ve been in bars where ogres drink.

  “Nice mouth,” I said. “Do you kiss your mother with it?”

  The harpy replied by telling me what it did to my mother, what I could do with her, who else was doing it, and on and on. I actually hesitated in raising my gun, stunned at the creativity of the thing.

  “Wow,” was all I could think of to say as I shot it off the statue. Not quite in the same league as the harpy’s verbal assault, but the little, metal ball that took it out made my point for me.

  The smell that lingered after I shot it was horrendous. I gagged and turned to go, but as I did, I heard a sad note played on a pipe. The man came around the corner, playing what could only be described as a funeral dirge. He wasn’t the same guy as the night before, but was dressed much the same, in a bright, mismatched outfit, with a peaked cap and a feather.

  He continued to play as he came up to me, and then stopped, looking me right in the eyes.

  “Now why did you have to go and do that?” he asked. “Was she really all that bad?”

  “You’re joking, right?” I asked.

  In answer, he smiled, began blowing his pipe again and sauntered on down the street. I watched him go, not quite sure how I should take his question. Shaking my head, I turned my gaze back to the square and fountain. The people who lived around here would have to come clean the place up themselves, since that wasn’t a service that the crown provided for. Having met Roland, I didn’t think he’d have too many problems convincing others to join in.

  They should hurry though, I thought. Already the rats were coming, dragging bits of offal to their underground lairs, now that the harpy was no longer there, happy to prey on them also. I shuddered, never having seen so many of the things at one time. They must have been gathering, waiting for their chance.

  Yuck. I turned my back on the scene and went on my way.

  Lilly came through the door that evening, stepping quickly.

  “What is going on around here?” she asked.

  I looked up from the book I was reading. “Hmm? I don’t know. What are you talking about?”

  “The roaches! They’re all over the place out there! It’s like something drove them all out of the sewers or wherever they usually live. You can’t walk two feet without stepping on one.”

  “Really? I didn’t notice. I don’t think it was like that when I came home.”

  “Well, see for yourself. I feel gross. I’m taking a bath. And no, before you ask, you can’t join me. But please tell me you got them all out of here, anyway.”

  “Of course. And I went one better.” I told her about asking Petal and her folk to magic the house to keep the pests out.

  “Good idea!” she said. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it. Really good, with whatever is going on out there.”

  She shuddered, and then disappeared, bound for hot water, suds, and glass of wine.

  For my part, I wanted to see what she was talking about, so I went to the front door and opened it. It wasn’t hard to spot. Roaches were everywhere, crawling in the street and over the face of buildings. People walked hurriedly, wearing expressions of disgust on their faces as their footsteps made a crunching noise more often than not.

  I was gratified to see that our house was clear of attack by the nasty little things. As I watched, one scuttled across the street, straight for our steps. When it came within a few inches, it veered away, and disappeared from sight.

  “Gross,” I said to myself, and shut the door, sure that whatever was causing the problem would be over with by morning.

  It wasn’t. Lilly’s cry of disgust when she opened the door told me that as sure as if I saw it for myself.

  “How am I supposed to get to work?” she said.

  “I guess you either take the plunge or stay home,” I said, not very helpfully.

  “You’re coming too,” she told me. “Something is going on.”

  The tone of voice left me no choice. I put on some older boots, perfect for roach stomping, and went out the door with her.

  A few streets over, the roach infestation died out. There was no sign of them here, only several people looking back apprehensively at the areas they crossed where the nasty things were. Lilly wore the same expression and I’m sure that I did too. Turning back around, I spotted another of those pipers with the loud outfits, playing softly as he leaned against a wall. When he saw me looking, he smiled, and touched his cap as a greeting.

  I half lifted my hand to him in return, uneasy about seeing another one of these fellows here and now.

  “Hey,” I said to Lilly, indicating the man with a
tilt of my head. “Have you seen these guys around a lot?”

  Lilly looked.

  “He looks a lot like the guy with the music the other night. Only it’s not the same guy, is it?”

  “No, he isn’t. As a matter of fact, he’s the third one I’ve seen. The other one was hanging around where I killed that harpy last night.”

  “Really? Ugh. Maybe his nose was broken and he couldn’t smell.”

  “Maybe. But it seems weird.”

  “It’s probably some publicity stunt for a bunch of guys trying to get their music heard. You know how minstrels are. Always trying to get attention.”

  The piper watched us talking about him, but then straightened off the wall, turned his back to us, and walked away, his tune growing louder but following him as moved off. Soon, we couldn’t hear him at all any more.

  At the watchhouse, Lilly and I walked to the desk to speak with Sarge.

  “Have there been reports of any weird things?” Lilly asked. “Things like a large number of roaches or anything?”

  “Weird question,” he grunted. “I should have known you two would be involved.”

  “Hey,” I protested. “We’re not involved in anything! But we have a huge number of pests outside of our house. It seems weird.”

  “It is weird, but why would you ask me? What do I look like, an exterminator?”

  I was about to reply when Lilly cut me off. “Alright, I know you two boys like to antagonize each other, but I don’t have time for it right now. Sarge, as a member of the Watch, I’m asking. Anything?”

  “Ah, I hate it when you pull rank, Lilly,” he said. “Yeah, there’ve been some. Some like you’re saying. Lots of roaches. But we’ve also gotten complaints about rats, mice, and flies too. Like huge numbers of them. Worse than that though, check the Board.”

  Ah. There were the rest of the harpies. There must have been at least 20 of them, rewards being offered on their removals from all over the city.

  “Those are the ones that are left. Raven was in earlier and took three of them, although how he’s going to get to something that flies is beyond me. A few of the other guys, too.”