Duke Grandfather- The Whole Story

by James Maxstadt

  “Glug glug glug,” it said. “Keep drinking, rummy. Maybe you’ll manage to fall in a gutter and drown before you ruin that poor woman’s life anymore.”

  “Get out of here!” I waved my arms at it, hoping to scare it off.

  “Oh, scary. You’re quite the hero. What does she see in you anyway? I mean other than a hired killer with a work ethic problem.”

  “What’s your deal? Why are you hanging around here, insulting me? Did I do something to you?”

  “Pfft. Like you could if you wanted to. Grandfather, you’re minor league. I say these things not to hurt, but to educate.”

  “Go away. You’re annoying.”

  “I’ll leave. You keep on drinking, buddy. It’s part of your charm.”

  And again, with a caw that sounded like laughter, he took off. This time, I watched him go, and dodged as he circled above my head. The splatter hit the cobblestones, not me. Small favors and all.

  I looked at the tavern I was about to enter, and stopped. Suddenly, I wasn’t as thirsty as I was, and my enthusiasm for my task waned. It wasn’t as if I believed what the bird said, but it did make me question if others actually did view me that way. I mean, I knew that Lilly was way out of my league, but I didn’t really want everyone else thinking that. Maybe a little, but not way out.

  The Barman’s Choice would be great, I thought. It was a good ale, and a popular place, so it should fit the bill. For the rest of the day I could head home and…I don’t know…dust the shelves or something.

  When Lilly got home later that evening, she was in a towering rage. Her lips were pushed tightly together, her fists clenched, and a cold fire seemed to dance in her eyes.

  “Uh-oh,” I said. “What’s got you all in a twist?”

  “That damn bird!” she exploded. “Do you know what it said to me?”

  I was tempted to give her the same response that she gave me yesterday, but I opted not to. For one, I knew how infuriating that bird could be, plus, I was really hoping for a nice evening with her. And, honestly, I was relieved that someone else had run into it, and I wasn’t alone.

  “What did it say?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but there was a morbid curiosity.

  She told me, and I was horrified. The bird had upped its game apparently. It even made me mad, hearing it secondhand.

  I went to the door and opened it, hoping to see it perched nearby. Then we would see what a well-placed shot from my gun would do to it. Yes, I was that mad, that I was ready to kill it for what it said. But no luck, it was gone, or at least hidden out of sight.

  We spent some time consoling each other, and managed to salvage a good evening out of it after all. Lilly even brought me a mug of ale out of the kitchen herself, telling me that the bird was an idiot, and if she had a problem with my consumption, I’d know about it.

  I went with Lilly to the watchhouse the next morning. Since the wedding was running up some bills, I thought I would spend a few days taking nuisances and earning some cash. Better to get it paid for now and out of the way, than have to deal with it later on.

  “Hey, Sarge,” I said, as we came in.

  “Duke, Lilly. Who’s your friend?”

  He pointed behind us with an amused expression on his face. The bird was back and following us in the door, waddling along behind as if it were a lost puppy hoping to follow us home.

  “Get!” I said, and lunged at it.

  It made a sad sort of noise and cowered, as if it were afraid of being struck.

  “Duke!” Sarge’s voice rang out, reminding anyone in earshot why he was called that. “What do you think you’re doing? I won’t stand for cruelty to dumb animals!”

  “What? Do you know what this thing has…” I started to protest.

  “Don’t care. It’s an animal. End of story.”

  I didn’t realize that Sarge had that kind of empathy for the natural world, and judging by Lilly’s face, neither did she.

  “Sarge,” I said. “You don’t understand. This thing has been following us around for the last couple of days, saying the nastiest things.”

  “The bird has. Saying things. Right, now I get it. Very funny, guys. You two sure put one over on old Sarge. Ha ha.”

  “Wouldn’t be very hard,” the voice said. Sarge’s eyes widened as he realized that it came from the bird. Neither Lilly nor I were surprised in the least.

  “What did you say?” Sarge asked, a laugh in his voice.

  “It wouldn’t be very hard to fool you, you great oaf. Even these two ignoramuses could do it.”

  “Good joke, Duke.” Sarge said. “What’d you do, get Lilly to magic something up so that it seems like it’s talking?”

  “Are you kidding?” the bird said. “That bimbo couldn’t magic up a ham sandwich, let alone something as complex as me.” It cut loose with that harsh mocking laughter again. “What a collection of idiots. It’s no wonder you all get along.”

  “Last chance, bird,” I said, and put my hand on my gun.

  “Go ahead, big man, pull it. Prove what a tough guy you are. Might as well do it that way, since in the sack you’re…”

  That was as far as it got before I pulled the gun, didn’t even bother saying anything to set it, and fired. The little, metal ball would do terrible things to the bird all on its own.

  A moment later, I was shaking my head, trying to clear the ringing, and wondering how I ended up in a heap against the wall. Lilly lay next to me unconscious, and from what I could see through the ruin of the desk, Sarge was out as well.

  Of the bird, there was no sign, but from what I could figure out, it exploded when I shot it.

  Other Watchmen came running, first to Sarge, then to Lilly, and finally to me. They helped us to our feet, questions flying. I could only hear bits of them through the loud ringing in my ears. It took several minutes for it to fade enough for me to make out what was being said.

  I answered them as best that I could, and Lilly backed up my story. Sarge did also when he came around. They summoned a Watch commander, but since it would be some time before he arrived, they grabbed chairs from deeper in the Watchhouse for us to sit and rest.

  Slowly, I became aware of another noise, one that was quieter than the voices talking around me. It took me a minute to realize that it was coming from outside, but was different than the normal city noises that are always present.

  I rose to my feet unsteadily, shook off the offer of help from a junior Watchman, and made my way to the door. I opened it, and looked outside.

  Birds. Tons of them. On the rooftops surrounding the Watchhouse, on the backs of benches, or perched on barrels. Some on the street itself. All talking, all making that annoying coughing laugh. As one, they turned and looked at me with those jet-black eyes, and the noise that went up was a cacophony of laughter.

  “Lilly,” I said over my shoulder. “I think you’re going to want to see this.”

  Lilly came to the door as well, not saying anything. Her appearance made the birds laugh all the harder. Then, one by one, they took wing and flapped away over the rooftops. Soon, they were all gone, except for one, sitting on a sign post, regarding us.

  “Smooth,” it said. “I like the burnt look. Next time, stand closer. It can only improve your faces. Both of you!”

  With that, it too sprang into the sky and soared away.

  “What do you suppose will happen when those things start talking to the orcs, or the trolls, or ogres that way?” Lilly said.

  I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to think about it.

  It wasn’t too long before we heard the first explosion. It came from the Stews, and we headed that way as quickly as we could.

  Sure enough, a troll was lying prone in the middle of the street, his face and hands scorched badly. He groaned, which told us that he was still alive, but was in pretty rough shape. It was a testament to the power of these things that he was in the condition that he was. Trolls are tough and there isn’t much short of an Ultimate Weapon that take
s one down easily.

  According to eye-witnesses, the troll was seen shouting at a large, black bird. That in and of itself was worthy of getting attention, since despite their reputation, trolls are actually pretty even-tempered. But what was really eye opening to the bystanders was that the bird was shouting back. They engaged in some back and forth, the troll getting more and more angry, until finally, he grabbed the bird and shoved it into his mouth, intending to eat his troubles away.

  The next thing anyone knew, there was a loud bang, and the troll was lying flat on his back. Of the bird, there was no sign.

  “This is just the first,” Lilly said to me. “We were lucky that the troll tried to eat it. It limited the damage, but you know that’s not going to happen every time.”

  As she was speaking there was another tremendous boom, and a cloud of smoke rose into the air a few blocks away.

  “Come on,” I sighed. “We might as well go see.”

  This time, there was destruction that led beyond the rock-hard head of a single troll. Several orcs were down and bleeding, and their store front was burning. They were a smaller family, running a clothes-cleaning business and trying to make ends meet. No one was really sure what happened, other than a couple of people who were amused to see a black bird waddle through the door and into the shop like he owned the place. Trying to make ends meet or not, there aren’t too many orcs who are going to take being insulted by a bird and not try to do something about it.

  They paid the price. A couple of them were slowly coming around. But more were severely hurt, and two were gone. One bird traded for two orcs and a lot of damage. I shuddered to think of what was descending on the city as I remembered the sheer number of them outside the watchhouse.

  “We need to figure this out,” I said to Lilly. “If we can’t kill them, what can we do?”

  “I don’t know,” she replied. “Let’s go back to the watchhouse. I’ll talk to my bosses. Maybe they can get the Watch wizards involved and they can come up with something that will trap them.”

  “Don’t you have something like that? That first time we met, you threw something around that weird unborn thing that you said should have stopped it.”

  “Good memory!” she smiled. “But no, like that thing, that shell only works on the dead. Ghosts, spirits, poltergeists. Things like that. These birds are alive, they’d fly right through it like it wasn’t there.”

  “But the wizards have the same sort of thing for living things, right?”

  She shrugged. “Who knows? But we can hope.”

  On the way back to the watchhouse we heard yet another explosion, way off in the First Quarter. I hoped that no one I knew, like Brindar, was caught in it. That thought led to another, and then an idea hit me.

  “Hey,” I said. “I’m going to go see Ivar. If we can’t stop them, maybe the NHLF can get the word out to not engage the stupid things, no matter what they say.”

  “Good idea. I’ll meet you at home.”

  I gave her a peck on the cheek and turned to go. But as I did, “Duke?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Don’t get in an argument with any birds.”

  “Ha. Yeah, you neither.”

  We smiled at each other and headed off in our separate directions.

  I had to go through the same annoying dwarven clerk that I always did when I came to see Ivar. It seemed that no matter what I did, he was always going to consider me the enemy. Whether that was because of my past, or simply because I was human, I had no idea.

  “Look, numbskull,” I said to him, my voice taking on a menacing edge. And also, “numbskull?” Maybe I was taking after the birds. “I need to see him. I’m trying to save lives here. Non-human as well as human!”

  “As I said,” he answered with infuriating politeness. “Mr. Ivarson is busy and can’t be disturbed. If you would care to wait, please have a seat in our reception area. If you’d rather make an appointment, I can do that for you. But Mr. Ivarson is not available at the moment.”

  I seethed as I stood there at his desk. A part of me wanted to reach over and slap him right out of his chair. But Hock, and who knew who else, was around, and they’d be on me in moments if I did. Sure, I could pull my gun, put a couple of them down, and where would that get me? Besides, the days that I shot someone simply for being an officious little snit were long gone.

  “I’m heading back there,” I told him. “Call Hock, call a troll, call anyone you like. I’ll make a fuss and disturb the hell out of Ivar anyway! So, you might as well go get him!”

  He called my bluff and simply stared back at me, daring me to make my move.

  “Alright,” I muttered, “but this is on you.”

  I stepped back and took a deep breath. The clerk tensed, ready to jump up and run for help as soon as I moved. That gave me a small sense of satisfaction, glad that my reputation was still somewhat intact. Then, I made my move.

  “Ivar!” I yelled it as loud as I could. “Ivar Ivarson! Get your short ass out here! Now!”

  While Ivar’s door didn’t open immediately as I hoped it would, my shout did garner some attention. A door behind the clerk’s desk slammed open and a huge, green ogre came charging through, large wooden club raised and ready to smash down on the troublemaker.

  “Ivar!” I tried again. “It’s Duke! You owe me! I saved your hide from the war golem!”

  This time, the door to Ivar’s office opened and the dwarf himself appeared, wiping at his eyes. His business that was making him unavailable was a nap!

  “What is the meaning of this?” he groused. “Hock, stand down. You know Mr. Grandfather.”

  The ogre slid to a stop in front of me, his breath heaving down into my face, smelling of cabbage, old meat, and other less pleasant things.

  “Mr. Grandfather,” Ivar said, walking over to me. “Really. I would expect more of you. Why didn’t you simply make an appointment?”

  Outside, in the distance there was a boom and the sound of screams.

  “That’s why,” I said, jerking my thumb over my shoulder. “That explosion.”

  I filled him in on the birds, the fact that they could speak and were purposely trying to get themselves killed, and that they exploded violently when they did.

  “I was thinking that you could get the word out. To all those that don’t trust the Watch, or pretty much anyone else. Tell them not to engage them, and definitely not to attack them.”

  “You came down here, demanded my attention, and delivered this warning. All for… what? A few non-humans don’t get killed by exploding birds?” He looked a little incredulous as he spoke.

  “Something like that. Why is that surprising?”

  Ivar stopped and considered. “I guess it’s not. At least, it’s not any longer. I must say Mr. Grandfather, you have continued to surprise me since I first met you in that alley. I find myself glad that I know you, and even more glad to call you friend.”

  He stuck out his hand, and we shook. “Let Brindar know that I’ll be in touch. Lilly is working with the Watch wizards to figure something out. I’m thinking I might go talk to the Witches as well. When we have something, I’ll let him know so that he can help with the cleanup.”

  “Of course. And in the meantime, we’ll put our resources on to the problem as well.”

  “Good idea. Stay in touch.”

  And it was. Although I hadn’t thought of it, solving problems was not the province of humans alone. At this point, the more minds focused on this thing, the better.

  “Slumming?” a voice said, as I exited the NHLF headquarters.

  I expected to see one of the birds, beaking off again. But no, it was a different type of pest, larger and on two legs, but every bit as annoying.

  “Raven,” I sneered. “What do you want?”

  “Want? From you? Nothing. I was sent to find you.”

  I chuckled at that. “Running errands now, huh? Best job for you. Who sent you?”

  To my great amusement, he looked u
ncomfortable. “Lilly,” he muttered.

  Now I did laugh. “Yeah, I’ll give you a pass then. She’s hard to say no to, isn’t she?”

  “Whatever you say, Grandfather. I’ve done as requested. You’re wanted back at the watchhouse, although why is beyond me.”

  “Maybe because I’m helpful, and I work well with others, while you’re an annoying prig. Ever think of that?”

  “One of these days, you’re going to mouth off too much.”

  “Probably, but it won’t be to you.”

  We started walking while still jawing at each other, but some of the actual rancor seemed to have gone out of our relationship lately. I didn’t like it. Raven was an obnoxious, bigoted ass, and I didn’t want to like him, or to work with him. And I was sure he felt an equal amount of disdain for me. But ever since we fought the gargoyles together, and I saw him donate his reward to Father Magnus, my vehemence had died down some.

  Still, that didn’t mean I had to let him know that, and we were still going back and forth when we walked through the door of the watchhouse, only to find Lilly waiting for us. With her was a tall, thin fellow, with a long grey bird, bushy eyebrows and startling clear blue eyes. He was dressed in a long robe that hung to the floor, bright blue with gold symbols stitched into it. Even if I didn’t know what Lilly was working on, I would have known that this was a wizard straight off the bat. Some people scream the part.

  “Enough, you two,” Lilly said, and Raven and I both stopped our sniping. “This is Wulftin. He’s one of the higher up wizards for the Watch. Be nice, or I’ll ask him to turn you both into frogs.”

  “Oh, my. My dear Lilly. I couldn’t do that. Not really. I mean, I could do it, you understand. Meaning I have the necessary power and knowledge for a transmogrification spell. But the intent, the will required to power such a spell, I don’t think I could muster that. You see, magic, at least for those of us schooled in the brighter side of wizardry, is fueled by our own internal forces, by our souls if you will, or perhaps our own sense of being, if you won’t. Therefore, we have to believe in the magic for it to work. In two senses, actually. First, that the magic will indeed happen. In this case, that these two gentlemen would indeed turn to frogs. The second would be in the necessity of the spell being cast, and in the rightness of it, so to speak. Since I don’t know these men, and their only crime, if you’d call it that, would be their unconventional means of conversing with one another, I don’t think I could believe in that segment of the spell. Therefore, it would fail. Meaning that I simply couldn’t do it. Although I could, in other circumstances.”