The Absentee

by Maria Edgeworth

  'Sir, it was my partner made that bargain, not myself; and I don't hold myself bound by it, for he is the sleeping-partner only, and not empowered to act in the way of business. Had Mr. Berryl bargained with me, I should have told him that he should have looked to these things before his carriage went out of our yard.'

  The indignation of Lord Colambre kindled at these words—but in vain. To all that indignation could by word or look urge against Mordicai, he replied—

  'Maybe so, sir; the law is open to your friend—the law is open to all men who can pay for it.'

  Lord Colambre turned in despair from the callous coach-maker, and listened to one of his more compassionate-looking workmen, who was reviewing the disabled curricle; and, whilst he was waiting to know the sum of his friend's misfortune, a fat, jolly, Falstaff looking personage came into the yard, accosted Mordicai with a degree of familiarity, which, from a gentleman, appeared to Lord Colambre to be almost impossible.

  'How are you, Mordicai, my good fellow?' cried he, speaking with a strong Irish accent.

  'Who is this?' whispered Lord Colambre to the foreman, who was examining the curricle.

  'Sir Terence O'Fay, sir. There must be entire new wheels.'

  'Now tell me, my tight fellow,' continued Sir Terence, holding Mordicai fast, 'when, in the name of all the saints, good or bad, in the calendar, do you reckon to let us sport the SUICIDE?'

  Mordicai forcibly drew his mouth into what he meant for a smile, and answered, 'As soon as possible, Sir Terence.'

  Sir Terence, in a tone of jocose, wheedling expostulation, entreated him to have the carriage finished OUT OF HAND. 'Ah, now! Mordy, my precious! let us have it by the birthday, and come and dine with us o' Monday, at the Hibernian Hotel—there's a rare one—will you?'

  Mordicai accepted the invitation, and promised faithfully that the SUICIDE should be finished by the birthday. Sir Terence shook hands upon this promise, and, after telling a good story, which made one of the workmen in the yard—an Irishman—grin with delight, walked off. Mordicai, first waiting till the knight was out of hearing, called aloud—

  'You grinning rascal! mind, at your peril, and don't let that there carriage be touched, d'ye see, till further orders.'

  One of Mr. Mordicai's clerks, with a huge long-feathered pen behind his ear, observed that Mr. Mordicai was right in that caution, for that, to the best of his comprehension, Sir Terence O'Fay and his principal, too, were over head and ears in debt.

  Mordicai coolly answered that he was well aware of that; but that the estate could afford to dip further; that, for his part, he was under no apprehension; he knew how to look sharp, and to bite before he was bit. That he knew Sir Terence and his principal were leagued together to give the creditors THE GO BY, but that, clever as they both were at that work, he trusted he was their match.

  'Will you be so good, sir, to finish making out this estimate for me?' interrupted Lord Colambre.

  'Immediately, sir. Sixty-nine pound four, and the perch. Let us see—Mr. Mordicai, ask him, ask Paddy, about Sir Terence,' said the foreman, pointing back over his shoulder to the Irish workman, who was at this moment pretending to be wondrous hard at work. However, when Mr. Mordicai defied him to tell him anything he did not know, Paddy, parting with an untasted bit of tobacco, began, and recounted some of Sir Terence O'Fay's exploits in evading duns, replevying cattle, fighting sheriffs, bribing SUBS, managing cants, tricking CUSTODEES, in language so strange, and with a countenance and gestures so full of enjoyment of the jest, that, whilst Mordicai stood for a moment aghast with astonishment, Lord Colambre could not help laughing, partly at, and partly with, his countryman. All the yard were in a roar of laughter, though they did not understand half of what they heard; but their risible muscles were acted upon mechanically, or maliciously, merely by the sound of the Irish brogue.

  Mordicai, waiting till the laugh was over, dryly observed that 'the law is executed in another guess sort of way in England from what it is in Ireland'; therefore, for his part, he desired nothing better than to set his wits fairly against such SHARKS. That there was a pleasure in doing up a debtor which none but a creditor could know.

  'In a moment, sir; if you'll have a moment's patience, sir, if you please,' said the slow foreman to Lord Colambre; 'I must go down the pounds once more, and then I'll let you have it.'

  'I'll tell you what, Smithfield,' continued Mr. Mordicai, coming close beside his foreman, and speaking very low, but with a voice trembling with anger, for he was piqued by his foreman's doubts of his capacity to cope with Sir Terence O'Fay; 'I'll tell you what, Smithfield, I'll be cursed, if I don't get every inch of them into my power. You know how?'

  'You are the best judge, sir,' replied the foreman; 'but I would not undertake Sir Terence; and the question is, whether the estate will answer the LOT of the debts, and whether you know them all for certain?'

  'I do, sir, I tell you. There's Green there's Blancham—there's Gray—there's Soho—naming several more—and, to my knowledge, Lord Clonbrony—'

  'Stop, sir,' cried Lord Colambre in a voice which made Mordicai, and everybody present, start—'I am his son—'

  'The devil!' said Mordicai.

  'God bless every bone in his body, then! he's an Irishman,' cried Paddy; 'and there was the RASON my heart warmed to him from the first minute he come into the yard, though I did not know it till now.'

  'What, sir! are you my Lord Colambre?' said Mr. Mordicai, recovering, but not clearly recovering, his intellects. 'I beg pardon, but I did not know you WAS Lord Colambre. I thought you told me you was the friend of Mr. Berryl.'

  'I do not see the incompatibility of the assertion, sir,' replied Lord Colambre, taking from the bewildered foreman's unresisting hand the account, which he had been so long FURNISHING.

  'Give me leave, my lord,' said Mordicai. 'I beg your pardon, my lord, perhaps we can compromise that business for your friend Mr. Berryl; since he is your lordship's friend, perhaps we can contrive to COMPROMISE and SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE.'

  TO COMPROMISE and SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE, Mordicai thought were favourite phrases, and approved Hibernian modes of doing business, which would conciliate this young Irish nobleman, and dissipate the proud tempest which had gathered and now swelled in his breast.

  'No, sir, no!' cried Lord Colambre, holding firm the paper. 'I want no favour from you. I will accept of none for my friend or for myself.'

  'Favour! No, my lord, I should not presume to offer—But I should wish, if you'll allow me, to do your friend justice.'

  Lord Colambre recollecting that he had no right, in his pride, to ding away his friend's money, let Mr. Mordicai look at the account; and, his impetuous temper in a few moments recovered by good sense, he considered that, as his person was utterly unknown to Mr. Mordicai, no offence could have been intended to him, and that, perhaps, in what had been said of his father's debts and distress, there might be more truth than he was aware of. Prudently, therefore, controlling his feelings, and commanding himself, he suffered Mr. Mordicai to show him into a parlour, to SETTLE his friend's business. In a few minutes the account was reduced to a reasonable form, and, in consideration of the partner's having made the bargain, by which Mr. Mordicai felt himself influenced in honour, though not bound in law, he undertook to have the curricle made better than new again, for Mr. Berryl, for twenty guineas. Then came awkward apologies to Lord Colambre, which he ill endured. 'Between ourselves, my lord,' continued Mordicai—

  But the familiarity of the phrase, 'Between ourselves'—this implication of equality—Lord Colambre could not admit; he moved hastily towards the door and departed.

  Chapter II

  *

  Full of what he had heard, and impatient to obtain further information respecting the state of his father's affairs, Lord Colambre hastened home; but his father was out, and his mother was engaged with Mr. Soho, directing, or rather being directed, how her apartments should be fitted up for her gala. As Lord Colambre entered the room, he saw his mo
ther, Miss Nugent, and Mr. Soho, standing at a large table, which was covered with rolls of paper, patterns, and drawings of furniture: Mr. Soho was speaking in a conceited dictatorial tone, asserting that there was no 'colour in nature for that room equal to THE BELLY-O'-THE FAWN;' which BELLY-O'-THE FAWN he so pronounced that Lady Clonbrony understood it to be LA BELLE UNIFORME, and, under this mistake, repeated and assented to the assertion till it was set to rights, with condescending superiority, by the upholsterer. This first architectural upholsterer of the age, as he styled himself, and was universally admitted to be by all the world of fashion, then, with full powers given to him, spoke EN MAITRE. The whole face of things must be changed—there must be new hangings, new draperies, new cornices, new candelabras, new everything!

  The upholsterer's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling, Glances from ceiling to floor, from floor to ceiling; And, as imagination bodies forth The form of things unknown, th' upholsterer's pencil Turns to shape and gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a NAME.

  Of the value of a NAME no one could be more sensible than Mr. Soho.

  'Your la'ship sees—this is merely a scratch of my pencil—your la'ship's sensible—just to give you an idea of the shape, the form of the thing. You fill up your angles here with ECOINIERES—round your walls with the TURKISH TENT DRAPERY—a fancy of my own—in apricot cloth, or crimson velvet, suppose, or EN FLUTE, in crimson satin draperies, fanned and riched with gold fringes, EN SUITE—intermediate spaces, Apollo's heads with gold rays—and here, ma'am, you place four CHANCELIERES, with chimeras at the corners, covered with blue silk and silver fringe, elegantly fanciful—with my STATIRA CANOPY here—light blue silk draperies—aerial tint, with silver balls—and for seats here, the SERAGLIO OTTOMANS, superfine scarlet—your paws—griffin—golden—and golden tripods, here, with antique cranes—and oriental alabaster tables here and there—quite appropriate, your la'ship feels.

  'And—let me reflect. For the next apartment, it strikes me—as your la'ship don't value expense—THE ALHAMBRA HANGINGS—my own thought entirely. Now, before I unroll them, Lady Clonbrony, I must beg you'll not mention I've shown them. I give you my sacred honour, not a soul has set eye upon the Alhambra hangings, except Mrs. Dareville, who stole a peep; I refused, absolutely refused, the Duchess of Torcaster—but I can't refuse your la'ship. So see, ma'am—(unrolling them)—scagliola porphyry columns supporting the grand dome—entablature, silvered and decorated with imitative bronze ornaments; under the entablature, A VALANCE IN PELMETS, of puffed scarlet silk, would have an unparalleled grand effect, seen through the arches—with the TREBISOND TRELLICE PAPER, would make a TOUT ENSEMBLE, novel beyond example. On that Trebisond trellice paper, I confess, ladies, I do pique myself.

  'Then, for the little room, I recommend turning it temporarily into a Chinese pagoda, with this CHINESE PAGODA PAPER, with the PORCELAIN border, and josses, and jars, and beakers to match; and I can venture to promise one vase of pre-eminent size and beauty. Oh, indubitably! if your la'ship prefers it, you can have the EGYPTIAN HIEROGLYPHIC PAPER, with the IBIS BORDER to match! The only objection is, one sees it everywhere—quite antediluvian—gone to the hotels even; but, to be sure, if your la'ship has a fancy—At all events, I humbly recommend, what her Grace of Torcaster longs to patronise, my MOON CURTAINS, with candlelight draperies. A demisaison elegance this—I hit off yesterday—and—true, your la'ship's quite correct—out of the common, completely. And, of course, you'd have the SPHYNX CANDELABRAS, and the Phoenix argands. Oh! nothing else lights now, ma'am! Expense! Expense of the whole! Impossible to calculate here on the spot!—but nothing at all worth your ladyship's consideration!'

  At another moment, Lord Colambre might have been amused with all this rhodomontade, and with the airs and voluble conceit of the orator; but, after what he had heard at Mr. Mordicai's, this whole scene struck him more with melancholy than with mirth. He was alarmed by the prospect of new and unbounded expense; provoked, almost past enduring, by the jargon and impertinence of this upholsterer; mortified and vexed to the heart to see his mother the dupe, the sport of such a coxcomb.

  'Prince of puppies!—insufferable!—My own mother!' Lord Colambre repeated to himself, as he walked hastily up and down the room.

  'Colambre, won't you let us have your judgment—your TEESTE' said his mother.

  'Excuse me, ma'am. I have no taste, no judgment, in these things.'

  He sometimes paused, and looked at Mr. Soho with a strong inclination to—But knowing that he should say too much, if he said anything, he was silent never dared to approach the council table—but continued walking up and down the room, till he heard a voice, which at once arrested his attention, and soothed his ire. He approached the table instantly, and listened, whilst Grace Nugent said everything he wished to have said, and with all the propriety and delicacy with which he thought he could not have spoken. He leaned on the table, and fixed his eyes upon her—years ago, he had seen his cousin—last night, he had thought her handsome, pleasing, graceful—but now, he saw a new person, or he saw her in a new light. He marked the superior intelligence, the animation, the eloquence of her countenance, its variety, whilst alternately, with arch raillery or grave humour, she played off Mr. Soho, and made him magnify the ridicule, till it was apparent even to Lady Clonbrony. He observed the anxiety, lest his mother should expose her own foibles—he was touched by the respectful, earnest kindness—the soft tones of persuasion, with which she addressed his mother—the care not to presume upon her own influence—the good sense, the taste she showed, yet not displaying her superiority—the address, temper, and patience, with which she at last accomplished her purpose, and prevented Lady Clonbrony from doing anything preposterously absurd, or exorbitantly extravagant.

  Lord Colambre was actually sorry when the business was ended—when Mr. Soho departed—for Grace Nugent was then silent; and it was necessary to remove his eyes from that countenance, on which he had gazed unobserved. Beautiful and graceful, yet so unconscious was she of her charms, that the eye of admiration could rest upon her without her perceiving it—she seemed so intent upon others as totally to forget herself The whole train of Lord Colambre's thoughts was so completely deranged that, although he was sensible there was something of importance he had to say to his mother, yet, when Mr. Soho's departure left him opportunity to speak, he stood silent, unable to recollect anything but—Grace Nugent.