Your Future Self Will Thank You

by Drew Dyck

  Trait self-control varies too, not from moment to moment but from person to person. Each person’s self-control is affected by a host of factors but some people tend to have more of it than others. When I asked Wright about whether some people just naturally have more self-control, it’s this second type of self-control I was referring to.

  “Trait self-control is analogous to physical strength or the ability to run,” he explained. “Some people are just going to be naturally stronger or faster.”

  Great, I thought. The fix is in. Some people are naturally self-control triathletes and the rest of us are doomed to come in last.

  But Wright made a good point by extending the metaphor. “Just because someone is naturally stronger or faster than you, doesn’t mean you don’t go to the gym. Self-control is like a muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it gets.” Good point. There are those rare people who stay thin and muscular despite never working out, but they’re the exceptions. In order to be strong and healthy most of us have to eat well and exercise, especially as we get older. Cursing these athletic outliers from the couch might be cathartic but doesn’t make much sense. Apparently, it’s the same with self-control. We can complain about the Dans of this world … or we can start building our self-control muscles.

  As Wright continued talking, I started to realize muscle was probably the best metaphor for understanding self-control. Elsewhere Wright wrote, “Self control is like a muscle. It weakens immediately after use, but it strengthens with frequent use.”5

  That’s good news. Regardless of how much self-control you have naturally, it turns out there’s an awful lot you can do to improve it.

  COOL YOUR FUTURE “HOT” HEAD

  One reason our willpower fails? We don’t think it will.

  When it comes to forecasting how we’ll behave in a moment of temptation or difficulty, we wildly overestimate our resolve. “When we imagine our future selves, it’s almost like we’re imagining a super hero,” writes Colin Robertson, a researcher in performance psychology. “We envision someone who laughs in the face of temptation, someone who has boundless energy and unlimited time to boot.”6 There’s a neurological basis for this phenomenon. One brain-imaging study showed that when people think about their future selves, the areas of the brain typically associated with thinking about oneself were unengaged. Instead, when they contemplated their future selves, their brains behaved identically to when they thought about other people.7 We tend to think very highly of these foreign future selves. As the psychologist Kelly McGonigal writes, “Future you always has more time, more energy, and more willpower than present you.”8

  Of course, when temptation or difficulty comes, our future selves vanish and we find we’re all too human. So why the rosy and unrealistic forecast? It’s partly due to a phenomenon called the “hot-cold empathy gap.” When we’re calm and comfortable, in a “cool” state, we assume resisting future temptations will be a breeze. But then life happens. The kids start screaming. You skip a meal. You get a bad sleep. Work gets crazy. Suddenly you’re in a “hot state,” and much more likely to given in to temptation you would have easily resisted in a cooler state. They call it the heat of the moment for a reason! Hot states change our minds—literally. When you’re in a hot state, the rewards centers of the brain become more active, making us easy marks for temptation.9

  So what can you do to avoid falling prey to your hot head? The best strategy is to avoid heated situations altogether. Get enough sleep. Take a break. Walk away. Breathe. But let’s face it—sometimes avoiding hot states just isn’t possible. When your coworker or kids are driving you nuts, taking off isn’t usually an option. In those cases, steal a move from Starbucks. The coffee chain giant came up with a way to help employees deal with cranky, precaffeinated customers. Starbucks’s training manual leads baristas through an “If-Then” exercise. They’re told to complete the following sentence: “When a customer is unhappy, my plan is to …” By planning their response to this inevitable scenario (while in a cool state), they’re much more likely to respond well when it actually occurs. It’s a form of preloaded decision-making that can be adapted for other hot-state situations.

  Identify situations in which you’ve fallen prey to temptation, and then write out a plan for how you’ll react to those situations in the future. That way when the moment arrives, you can default to your plan rather than falling prey to your impulses. So try to avoid hot states in the first place. If that’s not possible, formulate a plan. Oh, and never grocery shop when you’re hungry.

  GROW, CONSERVE, REPLENISH

  How can we strengthen our willpower? Just like we strengthen our muscles—with resistance. In other words, if you want to grow your willpower, start doing hard things. Read a challenging book. Go for a run. Learn a foreign language. Have an awkward conversation with a stranger. It all takes willpower and the more you do it, the easier it will become. Not only will you get better at the specific task; the growth in willpower you gain will enable you to push harder in all activities requiring effort. Even frivolous activities that take intentional effort can help. One study showed that people who used their nondominant hand saw increased self-control when it came to tackling other tasks as well.10 When exercised, willpower grows.

  Of course you still have to use your willpower wisely. You can grow your willpower, but it still wears out. Even bodybuilders’ muscles fatigue. Triathletes get tired eventually. It’s the same with your willpower. It’s a precious commodity that you want to spend carefully. Wright warned me that conflict and lack of sleep compromise willpower. He also identified other “willpower wasters” like frequent use of social media and multitasking. In the future I need to be aware of these activities and limit them or avoid them altogether.

  Recognizing that I have limited reserves of willpower enables me to be more strategic about how I expend it. When it comes to important tasks, I need to preserve enough willpower to accomplish them. There’s one task that takes a lot of willpower for me: writing. It’s hard! Some people say they love writing. But if I’m honest, I love having written. It takes a lot of discipline just to sit down in front of my computer and wrestle words into sentences for extended periods of time. On top of the actual challenge of writing, it’s difficult to find the time to do it. I have a demanding day job and three noisy children. If you’re picturing me writing this book in a quiet cabin by a lake, I’m sorry to disappoint you. Most often I write on evenings and weekends while kids pop in and out of my office asking for juice or screaming complaints, like “my brother bit me!”

  For a long time, I put off writing till after work. I’d finish up the last task of the day, pour a fresh cup of coffee, and open my Word file. Here I go! But nothing happened. After a full day of answering emails, editing manuscripts, and sitting through meetings, I was spent. The blinking cursor on the blank page would mock me. My willpower was gone. After reading about willpower, I changed my routine. I started writing in the morning, before work, when my willpower reserves were high. It was a sacrifice (I’m writing these words at 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning), but it was worth it. I found I made much more progress.

  I’ve also become more conscious about saving willpower for family life. On more than one occasion, my wife has told me that she feels like she and the kids “get the leftovers,” that I’m tired and irritable in the evenings after work. Now I’m trying to preserve willpower for the evening hours by scheduling difficult meetings or challenging tasks for earlier in the day. If I fill my afternoons with less challenging assignments, I’m not spent when I sit down for dinner with my family.

  So we can grow our willpower, and we need to conserve it. We also need to replenish it. Some of these strategies are common sense. Getting a good night’s sleep goes a long way toward restoring your willpower reserves. Studies show that people who are well rested demonstrate far greater self-control than people who skimp on sleep. Eating well is also key. Tasks that expend willpower (even if they’re not physically demandi
ng) cause your blood glucose levels to drop. Researchers routinely use sugar pills or sweet drinks to combat the effects of ego depletion. But sugar is only a short-term fix and can actually sabotage your willpower long-term. Yes, sugary snacks provide an initial spike of blood sugar but they also cause us to release insulin, which then lowers blood sugar. That’s why Bradley Wright identifies refined sugars and processed grains as the worst foods for willpower. Instead he advises eating “low-glycemic foods, those that keep steady blood sugar levels.”11

  Studies have shown meditation is a powerful way to build and replenish willpower. And you don’t need to be a pro to reap the benefits. In fact, novices see greater results because it takes greater exertion. The effort required to still your mind strengthens willpower and even changes the way your brain operates. “Neuroscientists have discovered that when you ask the brain to meditate, it gets better not just at meditating, but at a wide range of self-control skills, including attention, focus, stress management, impulse control, and self-awareness.”12

  Some Christians are understandably wary of meditation. Many popular forms of meditation incorporate beliefs and practices from Eastern religions. Yet there is also biblical meditation. For centuries Christians have used contemplative prayer (which involves the silent repetition of a sacred word or sentence). Others choose simply to meditate on Scripture, mulling over a short section of the Bible. In addition to the rich spiritual rewards these practices bring, the benefits for willpower are dramatic.

  Pastor and brain science expert, Charles Stone describes another way biblically minded Christians practice meditation:

  Mindfulness is a spiritual discipline akin to biblical meditation that I practice as part of my daily devotional time. It’s setting aside a time to be still before God to be in His presence in the present moment. It’s not emptying our mind, but filling our mind with thoughts of Him and His Word. It helps us disengage from automatic thoughts, feelings, memories, and reactions and simply be in God’s presence.13

  Stone pointed out that just in the last year there were over four hundred studies published showing the brain benefits of mindfulness, including increased volume in the areas of the brain responsible for self-regulation.

  Prayer is another proven way to replenish willpower. It prevents willpower from being depleted in the first place. A 2014 study divided subjects into two groups. One group prayed and one group did not. Then participants from both groups underwent activities designed to deplete their willpower and were given a test after. The non-prayers performed poorly on the test. Their willpower had been compromised by the exercises. But the praying subjects showed no loss of willpower. It was a shocking discovery. The researchers concluded that “Personal Prayer Buffers Self-Control Depletion.”14 While prayer is not a magic bullet that can be exploited for increased willpower, this research supports the scriptural truth of the power of prayer and its necessity for sustaining willpower.

  Of course, as Christians, we’re not surprised by such findings. We know that prayer is powerful. Scripture instructs us to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thess. 5:17 NASB). Jesus connected prayer to self-control when He commanded His disciples, “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation” (Matt. 26:41). In light of what both Scripture and science teach us about the topic, praying may benefit us as much as the people for whom we pray.

  GROWING YOUR SPIRITUAL MUSCLES

  Peter is one of my favorite characters in the Bible. Part of why I’m drawn to him, honestly, is because of how imperfect he was, how relatable. He had high aspirations but couldn’t seem to follow through. In other words, he had terrible self-control.

  When the disciples spot Jesus walking on the water, it’s Peter who springs out of the boat. He wants to walk on water, just like Jesus. Talk about high aspirations! Things go well for the first couple of shaky steps, but then his faith falters and he drops below the waves.

  On another occasion, when Moses and Elijah supernaturally appear beside Jesus, Peter can’t keep his mouth shut and blurts out the bizarre suggestion that they throw up a few tents and make it a campout. On the eve of Jesus’ crucifixion it’s Peter who brags that he’ll never abandon Jesus, even if everyone else does. Then, that very night, Peter runs away when Jesus is arrested and he denies knowing Him. Three times!

  Peter had his shining moments. His walking on water debut didn’t end well, but he had the faith to at least try. He was also the first to articulate the true identity of Jesus, even if he was also quick to deny that he even knew who Jesus was. Peter had the right convictions and he felt them deeply. What he lacked was the ability to carry through on them, a classic case of low self-control. Jesus named His hapless disciple “Cephas,” which means, “rock.” I imagine Jesus smiling as He gave Peter this ironic nickname. In truth Peter was anything but solid and dependable.

  But Peter changed. And most of that change happened in the aftermath of the events described in the gospel narratives. When we see Peter a couple of decades later, we can barely recognize him. He’s referred to as an esteemed pillar, the leader of the church in Rome. He writes warm, fatherly letters to the fledging believers under his care, encouraging them to grow in godliness and to endure suffering. Peter had finally become the rock Jesus saw in a fumbling fisherman. The church historian Eusebius tells us that Peter met his death at the hands of the Roman emperor Nero. Peter was crucified, but they accommodated his one last request: that he be crucified upside down because he said he wasn’t worthy to die in the same way as his Lord.

  In his second letter to the church, Peter exhorted the early Christians to grow in maturity. Reminding them that they “participate in the divine nature,” he urged them to “make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love” (2 Peter 1:4–7).

  I find it interesting that Peter included self-control in the middle of this chain of spiritual growth. Perhaps he remembered what a challenge it was for him to develop this crucial virtue. By this stage in his life, he realizes it’s a vital link. It’s what enables us to persevere and attain godliness. Ultimately it culminates in love.

  When I think about how Peter changed, I’m inspired. If that early, erratic follower of Jesus could become a paragon of self-control, then maybe there’s hope for me too. Peter wasn’t a super saint. He was an ordinary person with a spotty track record of faithfulness. But as he walked with Jesus, he eventually became the person Jesus knew he could be. He grew. As we walk with Jesus, we will grow too.

  Self-Control Training: Entry #4—Prayer

  THE NEXT DISCIPLINE I DECIDED to tackle was prayer. Talking to God right after reading my Bible just made sense. After listening to God’s Word, it seemed natural to respond. It’s not like I didn’t pray already. But like my Bible reading, my prayer life is meager and inconsistent. I wanted to start praying every day.

  As a pastor’s kid, I grew up on stories of legendary prayer warriors. I recall hearing of revivalists whose knees literally wore ruts in wood floors as they petitioned the Almighty. I remember the famous quote from the reformer Martin Luther, who declared, “I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.”15 When I was twenty, I read the biography of Reese Howells, a man who as a missionary in South Africa saw thousands of converts before returning to his native Wales to found a Bible college. Yet these activities were sidelines for Howells. His real vocation was prayer. According to his wife, he often spent twelve hours a day interceding for others.

  Such stories are inspiring, but I’m going to be honest: when it comes to my own prayer life, they’re demotivating. They bring a fresh wave of shame about my own prayerlessness. Rather than inspiring me to pray more, they make me think, why bother? So, I’ve decided to set such stories aside and take the same tack I did with Bible reading—start small, just fifteen minutes a day.

  I chos
e to follow a formula. It was easy to remember thanks to a handy acronym: ACTS (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication). And though it didn’t seem very spiritual, I set a timer. I got right down on my knees in my office. (Fortunately, since I work from home, I can afford to look like a weirdo.)

  On the first morning, I moved through the four phases of prayer quickly, praising God’s for His attributes, confessing my sins, thanking God for the blessings in my life, and finally, making requests for God’s help. The timer still hadn’t gone off, so I kept going. My mind started to wander, and the thought hit me: the timer on my phone isn’t working. It felt like I’d been praying forever! Getting up from the floor, I went over to my phone and took a peek. It was working all right … but it had only been eleven minutes. Clearly, when it comes to prayer, I have some growing to do. But I’m not discouraged. I know that while my willpower may be limited, it can grow. And mostly, I’ve been encouraged by the characters in Scripture. Most of them started off stumbling but ended up crossing the finish line anyway.

  Chapter 5

  The Transforming Power of Habits

  Making Self-Control Automatic

  “The orientation of the heart happens from the bottom up, through the formation of our habits of desire. Learning to love (God) takes practice.”

  —JAMES K. A. SMITH

  What did you do today?

  Did you have a shower? Brush your teeth? Get dressed? (I hope so.) Did you make coffee? Pack lunches? Exercise? Drop off the kids? Drive to work? Come home? Turn on the TV?

  What if I told you that you didn’t do any of those things? Because the truth is, you didn’t. At least not in the sense of doing them as intentional actions, with forethought and purpose. You probably did them out of habit.

  If you could review video footage of your average day, for the most part you wouldn’t witness a person attentively navigating the world, pausing to make decisions each time they acted. You’d see someone moving about rather seamlessly, performing tasks without hesitation. You would see someone operating largely out of habit.