Just Sayin'

by Dandi Daley Mackall

  Right now we’re sitting in the auditorium of the Mark Twain museum, and it’s all I can do to keep Nick here, instead of letting him go and peek behind the curtain. It’s like a little theater here, and the cameras and TV monitors and crew of The Hour of Insult take up half of the room. No wonder people had to buy tickets for The Last Insult Standing. It will be standing room only—haha! I’ll bet they can’t fit more than 50 people in here, which is a good thing because I’m nervous enough as it is.

  Julie, I wish you were here! It’s great to see Nick again—don’t get me wrong. But Nick is so psyched about the contest that he keeps insulting me, head to toe:

  HEAD:

  “Cassie never got a brain. They only handed them out to people who would use them.”

  “Come on, Cassie. Use your head! It’s the little things that count.”

  “Poor Cassie. I had to explain to her that a quarterback is not a refund and a jungle gym isn’t Tarzan’s little brother.”

  “Cassie’s so spacey, she asked me to go see a movie after she saw it advertised on a sign outside our local theater. I asked her the name of the movie, and she said, ‘THEATER CLOSED FOR THE SEASON.’”

  TOE:

  “Cassie, your feet are so big, you’d be disqualified from the swim meet for wearing flippers.”

  “You caught athlete’s foot because you thought it would make you run faster.”

  “Cassie’s toenails are so long, she cuts the grass by walking barefoot.”

  “Cassie’s feet are so big that when we were walking around Hannibal before the show, she got pulled over by a cop, who asked for their license and registration.”

  Nick can’t understand why I’m not insulting him back, and I’m not exactly sure myself. It’s hard to explain. He knows I’ve been writing to Jesus and everything. But he still doesn’t quite get it. You’d get it—I know you would. I guess I’ve been learning that words have power. Does that sound crazy? I’ve always liked words. I just didn’t realize how powerful they are—for good or bad. And the truth is—

  Oops—gotta run!

  Later

  Oh my goodness! Julie, this is crazy weird! I should have known it, but I didn’t, and neither did Nick, because he’s kind of freaking out. ALL of the other contestants are grown-ups! Nick and I are the only kids! Three of the women are gorgeous! And the other one looks funny, like a comedian.

  One of the producers of The Last Insult Standing rounded us up (which is why I had to leave you in the middle of a sentence). They moved us to the “greenroom,” which isn’t green at all, but just a smaller room with a table and 10 chairs for us, the finalists. The lady producer introduced us, and the other contestants did double takes when she got to Nick and me. “I know,” she said. “Yes, they’re contestants, just like you.”

  I think they thought they were being teased, or insulted. Even when we left the room, I think half of them still thought we were a joke. One of the gorgeous women contestants came up to me and said, “Are you sure you’re not that producer’s daughter?” I don’t think she believed me when I told her I wasn’t.

  Now even Nick is more nervous than he is excited.

  Here’s how the whole thing is supposed to work, according to that producer. The “men” will be going first (kind of an insult to the ladies right off). All five men stand onstage at little pedestals, like on the presidential debates you and Nick and I watched with Mom and Travis and Gram at our house, when we popped popcorn and drank homemade slushies. Contestant #1 starts off with an insult to Contestant #2 (which is also like in the presidential debates). Contestant #2 responds to that insult, then turns to Contestant #3 and insults him. Contestant #3 responds to that, then turns to Contestant #4 and insults him. And so on with #5. That’s Round 1. Then the judges (three of them, famous adult comedians I haven’t heard of) tell one man to go home. Then the four contestants still onstage go through the whole insult chain all over again. After Round 2, another contestant is told to get lost, and the three left go at it. And so on, until only two men (or hopefully, one man and one boy) remain.

  Then it’s the girls’ turn.

  The female contestants will come onstage and go through their rounds until they get down to the last two ladies (hopefully, one lady, one girl). Then it’s back to the men, with the two male finalists competing onstage to see who will be the Last Male Insult Standing.

  After that, the two female finalists compete for the Last Female Insult Standing. And finally, the girl champ faces the boy champ, and the winner takes the family to the Bahamas. We just have to win!

  Nick was so shook up that he didn’t get any of what the producer was saying. So I just showed him what I wrote to you about how we’ll play the insult game. Now, he’s muttering insults.

  And I can’t think of a single one!

  Julie! Can’t write more!

  Nick is onstage with the other male contestants.

  AND Travis just walked in!!!!

  Round 1 is over! Judges are conferring (word of the day last week, means “consulting together, discussing, deliberating, comparing opinions”).

  Nick did great, though. The guy next to him said, “You’re so fat that when you get your shoes shined, you have to take their word for it.” (And Nick isn’t fat and only wears tennis shoes—duh). So Nick turned to the audience and said, “You’ll have to pardon Cliff here. He signed up for the Ugly Contest next door, and they turned him down because they can’t take professionals.” Everybody laughed, especially one of the judges.

  This waiting is killing me! Cameras are everywhere, and I—

  He made it! Nick survived Round 1! (Cliff had to go home!)

  Julie, sorry! We’re up to Round 3, and Nick is still in! Travis is sitting right next to me. He saw that I’ve been writing you, so he says hi, he loves you, and he’s really sorry he couldn’t bring you because he had to pay a fortune for even one ticket to fly here last minute.

  Waiting for the judges to send someone home again. Travis and I agree that Nick did the best job. I thought the other two guys had to resort to old insults. Bet you’ve heard all of them:

  “You’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer.”

  “I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you’ve done yourself?”

  “I don’t exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it.”

  “You’re so fat you get clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-gosh-it’s-coming-toward-us!” (Again, Nick is so not fat!)

  Nick came back with:

  Nick: “Excuse me. Fat? Pay attention, dude! Don’t let your mind wander. It’s way too small to be let out on its own.”

  Dude: “You’re a knucklehead, and I’d say a lot more if you weren’t a kid.”

  Nick: “Okay. It’s really not what you say, sir. It’s the thought behind it that counts. Unfortunately, apparently there is no thought whatsoever behind anything you’ve said so far.”

  Nick cracked up the crowd after the snootiest contestant said something really rude, which I won’t write down. Nick acted like he was shocked and told the guy, “No! Don’t look at the audience!” The guy turned to Nick, and Nick said, “Phew! Don’t want them to think it’s Halloween.”

  Julie! They just announced the final two male contestants—drumroll! Mike Something and NICK BARTON! Nick made it! And his insults weren’t even mean. They were really nice compared to the others. You should hear Travis. He’s hurting my ears. So is Gram. Travis is jumping up and waving his arms. Nick can’t help grinning. He was saying he hasn’t seen Travis smile in weeks. Woo-hoo!! Is Travis ever smiling now!

  Wait. The Insult King is coming out and congratulating Mike and Nick. Now he’s sending them to the audience, telling them they’ll have to wait until the ladies have their turn.

  Yikes! That’s me! My turn!

  Dear Julie,

  This is Nick here. I knew Cassie was writing you while I was onstage. I’m glad.
You should be here! Hope you got my note and understood why I couldn’t tell you everything. You’re not a good liar, and I had to get here, Jules.

  Can you believe Dad? He’s not even all that mad at me, although that will probably come later. He screamed louder than anybody when I was onstage. I can’t believe I’ve made it to the finals. I just hope I can beat that guy, Mike. And I really hope Cassie beats all the “ladies.” If we both win, then we have to insult each other. But by then, it wouldn’t matter who won. We’d get the family cruise.

  No way!

  This is even better than we planned! Cassie’s mom just walked in—ran in—dodging the ticket-taking guy. Dad had to rush over and help her because the security guard was going to carry her out of here. Then Gram ran over, and I thought she was going to kick that security guy. Then Kirby the Insult King got in on it and said something to the security guard, and they let Jen come in.

  Cassie hasn’t even seen her mom yet because they closed the big red curtain, and she’s behind it with the four ladies. Wow, will she be surprised! But the lights are so bright up onstage, Cassie might not be able to see her mom in the audience. I couldn’t see Dad for a long time. And when I did, I still couldn’t believe my eyes.

  The curtain’s opening! Cassie is standing in the middle, but you can’t see her because she’s so short. Now Kirby’s coming onstage (because Gram hollered something up to him). A guy in a T-shirt and holey jeans is dragging out a step stool, and Cassie’s getting up on it behind her podium. Okay. Now we can see her. I was so scared up there onstage, but Cassie looks calm and cool as a cucumber, which is funny because why are cucumbers so calm? A lot of them end up as pickles.

  The Insult King is introducing everybody to the audience. Megan, the first lady, has straight red hair that goes down to her waist, and she’s wearing a bright red dress. I don’t want to take time to tell you what the others are wearing, though. Cassie is Cassie—jeans and her Beatles T-shirt, hair in a ponytail. The last female contestant—I think the King said her name is Sharon—is big, as in round. She’ll probably get all the fat jokes.

  I have to admit something. When that guy kept saying I was fat, it made me feel like hiding behind the curtain—and I’m not even fat. Made me feel bad for Noah, you know, the kid in my class who never plays soccer or softball at recess. And if he did, he’d get picked last for a team. He gets teased for being overweight, even when he’s just watching us play. I’ve never teased him . . . but I’ve laughed when Aiden and Connor did. I won’t laugh anymore.

  They’re starting . . .

  Man, it’s hard to keep up. End of Round 1, and I think Cassie did great. But to tell the truth, she didn’t fit with the others. I mean, like, some of what she said was over my head, but that’s always true with her big words, I guess.

  The other contestants said things like (and Gram and Jen are helping me write this now):

  “You’re so stupid, you jumped off a boat and missed the water.”

  “I’ll bet it takes you two hours to watch 60 Minutes.” (Gram says 60 Minutes is a TV news show that’s been on forever.)

  “Your face looks like it caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.”

  I think the “ladies” are meaner than the “men.”

  Except for Cassie. She started out with:

  “When arguing with a stupid person, just be sure she isn’t doing the same.”

  When Sharon called her stupid, Cassie just smiled and said, “Stupid is as stupid does.” Sharon frowned like Cassie was dangerously crazy. Cassie went on: “I’m just sayin’, if you can’t talk without insulting someone, you might try not talking at all.”

  Sharon said more mean stuff and called Cassie stupid again. Cassie said, “My mom says you can fix anything around the household with duct tape. But even duct tape won’t fix stupid . . . although it might muffle the sound of it if properly placed.”

  That one got a huge laugh from the audience, which seemed to make Sharon really mad.

  Then the redhead insulted Cassie, and when the audience groaned, Red said little Cassie can take it because she’s a “mature child.” Grinning, Cassie said, “‘Mature child’ is an oxymoron, ma’am, like ‘a fine mess’ or ‘absolutely unsure’ or ‘awfully pretty’ or ‘accidentally on purpose’ or ‘horribly funny.’ Get it? An oxymoron.” Sharon looked confused and demanded, “Did you just call me a moron?”

  See what I mean about Cassie being kind of confusing? I just hope she got enough laughs to get her to Round 2.

  She made it! Cassie’s still in!

  Sorry, Julie. I’m so nervous I’ve been bad about writing. It’s Round 2, and I forgot everything the other contestants said. Cassie has said stuff like:

  “A sharp tongue does not necessarily indicate a sharp mind.”

  “I find your comments censorious, contumelious, defamatory, derisive, and disparaging, if not insolent, scurrilous, vilifying, and downright vituperative.” (Dad helped me with the list. Gram, too. And Jen. But we probably left out some. Only Cassie . . .)

  The redhead was really awful and mean, not funny at all. Cassie just said, “My grandma always says it’s better to let someone think you’re a loser than to open your mouth and prove it,” which is kind of like what Mark Twain said: “It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”

  Here it comes—she made it! Round 3. It’s Sharon, the redhead called Megan, and Cassie!

  I admit I was afraid Cassie would be sent home on that one. Guess the judges have a big vocabulary too. One more round, and she’ll be in the finals like me!

  Round 3, and I really don’t know where Cassie’s going with this. Sharon and the redhead are throwing out tough and funny insults. Cassie is not. She has her comebacks. They’re one-liners. Weird-funny, but not insulting. Sharon seemed to get angrier and angrier. She took up half of Cassie’s time with a string of foul insults. So Cassie stared right at her and said: “A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.”

  It was the redhead’s turn after that, but she acted like she’d been hit between the eyes. She had no comeback. I’m thinking she may be the one sent home (if it’s not Cassie).

  I’m right! Cassie is in the finals with Sharon, the round woman! I can’t stand it! If she can beat Sharon—

  To Julie, continued . . .

  Hey, Julie. Cassie here. I’m back. And so is Mom!

  I could not believe it when I saw her. I couldn’t see anything from the stage, not with all the lights and TV cameras. So when I left the stage and came down to sit with Nick and Gram, there she was. Mom was crying. But it was the good kind of happy cry. She ran up the aisle and hugged me so hard I couldn’t breathe. And I hugged her back as hard as I could. She ditched her newspaper conference and flew all night to get here. Then she had to rent a car and drive. She did all of that just to see me in the contest!

  I haven’t asked Mom if she’s going back to San Bernardino to keep looking for herself, or if maybe she could just look here, in Missouri. If we can win the cruise, I think she’ll have to stay, don’t you?

  I keep looking over at Mom to make sure she’s still here. She is. She’s talking to Gram. But she and Travis aren’t looking at each other. They’re both smiling and acting all happy and everything, but they’re not saying much to each other. They would have to talk on the cruise! Nobody could run away, not in the middle of the ocean.

  Wasn’t Nick great to pick up where I left off in this journal? I thumbed through some of the pages he wrote, and he missed a lot. I’ll fill you in later. Your dad says he’s calling you the minute this contest is over.

  It was so weird being onstage. All I could think of was that stuff about making sure words are wholesome and filled with grace. Then I just couldn’t bring myself to insult like I usually do.

  You know, I was ready with a bunch of put-down one-liners, filled with sarcasm and meanness, because I want to win. But each time I started
on an insult, the words of a proverb popped into my mind and shoved the meanness out of my head and the proverb out of my mouth.

  Mom just came back over to sit by me. “Cassie,” she said, “I’m very proud of you.” I wanted to say thanks, but I couldn’t get it out, because I had to swallow tears. Mom hates insults, but she’s proud of me.

  “Stand up,” she said. She stood up first. “I need another birthday hug.”

  I stood up and hugged her. Then a very cool thing happened. Your dad appeared and hugged me too. So I was sandwiched, kind of squished between the two of them, and it felt really great. Then Nick squirmed between them too, and made it a four-way birthday hug. Then Gram got in on the action. I know we were each wishing you were here in the center of the hug, where you belong.

  Mom and Travis still love each other, Julie. And they both love us—you and me and Nick.

  “Ladies and gentlemen!” Kirby the Insult King is calling us to order. (Actually, he’s telling us to shut up.) “Mike and Nick will now enter the male insult finals, where insults can fly freely back and forth.”

  Nick looks okay up there now. But you should have seen him when I came back and sat down, and he had to go back up onstage. I think he forgot that the male finalists have to compete before the female finalists. Mr. Kirby called Nick and Mike to the stage, and Mike was up there cheering for himself for a few minutes, while Nick sat frozen to his seat. Travis almost carried him out to the aisle.

  Can you believe that both Nick and I have made it this far? Man, I hope Nick wins. I don’t see how I can beat Sharon, but I’ll bet Nick could. Don’t get me wrong—I’ll try my best. But something’s changed in me. Insults aren’t so automatic.

  Okay. Nick’s up there with Mike now! I’ll try to write down what the last two male finalists, of which Nick is one, say. But it won’t be easy. This time, in this final round, they get to go back and forth at each other however they like. Here goes!

  Mike: Nick here is such an idiot, he failed a taste test.

  Nick: Mike returned a dozen donuts to the store . . . because they all had holes in them.