Lost for Words

by Alice Kuipers

  A voice came over the loudspeaker. “Don’t panic. Stay calm.” Then the voice tore up and crackled out of existence.

  One man took photos with his phone. Another ran past yelling that he was going to die. Someone near the front seized him and yelled, “Calm down. You’ve got to calm down.”

  I kept walking. The tall man had his fingers tight around my wrist. We stumbled along the tunnel and then up a flight of stairs. Twice I struggled and tried to go back but was forced up and up.

  We stepped out into the light. I blinked. Paramedics rushed around. Flashing blue lights illuminated dozens of people with blood on their faces. There was blood on the grey tarmac beneath my feet, and the sky above was cloudy, buildings filling the space between. Next to me stood a woman with black ash like runny mascara on her cheeks. I rubbed my face and the same blackness came off on my fingers.

  I took a deep breath and looked at the people everywhere. I stumbled one way, stopped and turned to go back down.

  A police officer said, “You can’t go in there.”

  “Emily,” I whispered. I staggered away from him. A woman put her arm around my shoulders to direct me. I let her lead, and she helped me into an ambulance. A journalist pushed a microphone into my face, and I turned away.

  I must have fainted because, when I woke, I was lying in a bed in a brightly lit room. I struggled to focus.

  “What’s happened?” came a voice, and it took me a moment to see my mother leaning over me, fluorescent light in her hair and eyes. She said, out of breath, “Oh my God. Look at you. Are you okay? I just got here. I can’t believe I found you.” She wrapped me in a hug. She smelled of her perfume, her shampoo.

  I pushed her off, saying, “Where am I?” I fought to sit. “What’s going on?”

  “Are you okay? It took me ages to get here. I’ve been desperate. How are you feeling? Where’s Emily?” Mum’s eyes were wet. “She’s with you?”

  I shook my head.

  Mum said, “They directed me here to find—” She looked around. “Where is she? Where is she?”

  “She was with me. She was right next to me.”

  Mum said, “Where is she, Sophie?”

  “What’s happened?” I said.

  A doctor appeared and put his hand on my upper arm. He said, “There was a bomb. They’ve blown up a train. What’s your name? You’re badly bruised, but nothing’s broken. You’re in shock.”

  I tried to speak.

  Mum squeezed my fingers. The doctor smiled gently at her, and she released me from her grip. She was crying. She said, “Her name’s Sophie Marie Baxter. I’m her mother. Her older sister was with her. Emily Baxter. She must be here somewhere. Oh my God.”

  The doctor called out, “Have we got an Emily Baxter here?”

  I said, “She was with me on the train. She’s my sister.”

  A nurse appeared around the door, looked at a clipboard, and shook her head. Then she looked at us and said, “It’s total pandemonium. There’s been another explosion out there—several, they think. A terrorist attack. Suicide bombers, perhaps—they don’t know. Wait here.”

  “I need to find my daughter. My other daughter is missing. Why won’t anyone tell me what’s going on?” Mum had tears running down both cheeks and her arms folded over her chest. She dashed the tears away and folded her arms again. “Please find my daughter.”

  “I was in the train,” I said. The words I needed to say would not come out.

  “She’s in shock,” said the doctor, not to me. “Cuts and bruises, some temporary damage to her hearing. It’s not as bad as it looks. She’s very lucky.”

  A couple appeared at the doorway, and I thought they were familiar. They stared at me hopefully then looked at each other in dismay. I clearly wasn’t who they were looking for—they were strangers after all.

  Mum said my sister’s name, walked away, came back. She was like a headless chicken flailing for life when life was gone.

  “Mum, Emily’s still down there,” I finally said. And again I fainted.

  THURSDAY, APRIL 27TH

  Before I left the house for school, Mum tried to talk to me. I said, “I have to run. I’m late.”

  “Sophie, could we have supper together?”

  I paused and looked back at her. Under her eyes she had dark purple rings that might be there permanently now. She smiled. I surprised myself by saying, “Why do you collect lost things?”

  Her eyebrows furrowed. She said, “They’re not lost things in my collection. They’re things I’ve found.”

  Her answer made no sense. I said, “I’m late for school,” and headed out the door.

  I heard her call after me, “What about supper?”

  FRIDAY, APRIL 28TH

  On my way home from school today I was walking slowly, dreading getting there. I was looking at the ground, and I didn’t notice someone approaching me. Ended up, I slammed headfirst into Dan! I blushed and my stomach lurched.

  “Sophie,” he said, dipping his head so he could look into my eyes, which made me blush more.

  I knew I looked a mess, and I was wearing my school uniform, which was completely embarrassing. I pushed my hands through my hair.

  He said, “I’ve been meaning to call you.”

  “To say what?”

  “That I want to see you again.”

  “It’s been ages. Too long,” I said.

  “Doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about you.”

  My heart jumped. “What about Abigail? She’s your girlfriend.”

  He shook his head. “It just sort of happened that way.” He put a hand on my cheek, and my skin burned. “I loved kissing you. You felt so good. You’re so pretty. It’s you I like.”

  Despite the fact I haven’t heard from him, despite the fact that he and Abi are still together, I couldn’t help but tip my face up. He leaned closer and brushed his lips against mine. My stomach did a slow flip and my insides gathered tightly.

  “Oh, Dan,” I sighed, which sounds really stupid, but it made him groan and kiss me harder. Suddenly I didn’t care about Abigail, or Mum, or Emily, or anything, and all I could think about was how good I felt.

  He pulled away and said, “Do you want to come back to my house? We could have a drink, spend some time together?”

  I felt my cheeks warm, and I smiled. “Sure.” I nodded.

  Just then his mobile rang. He lightly touched my cheek and said, “Let me get this.” He pulled the phone out of his pocket and turned away. He said, “Hey, you,” before he stepped out of my hearing. I bet it was Abigail. I cringed with frustration at myself.

  I looked at him, my heart still beating fast and my mouth still tasting of him. Despite it all, I was going to go back to his house. I shivered in anticipation. It would be so good to forget everything, to spend a few hours in his arms. He winked over at me and then got off the phone.

  I said, “Okay, let’s go.”

  “I’m sorry, Sophie, honey. That was a friend of mine. I have to go—I already have plans. Kissing you made me forget.”

  I barely had time to stammer a good-bye before he gave me a quick kiss on the lips and hurried off up the road. He yelled over his shoulder, “I’ll call you.” Then he was gone, almost as if nothing had just happened between us. I had a pain go through me at the thought that he was on his way to see Abigail, but it didn’t stop me liking him. I put my fingers to my lips. I knew deep down that kissing Dan was never going to make anything better. I knew Emily would have told me the same thing. But I pushed the thought aside.

  TUESDAY, MAY 2ND

  In the lunch queue I heard Abigail say to Megan, “Dan still hasn’t called. He promised he’d come and see me on Friday. I texted him asking where he was, but he said he was busy doing something with his mum. I didn’t hear from him all weekend. I want to see him.”

  Megan glanced back at Zara and gave her a secret smile with her big toothy mouth. I couldn’t interpret it at all. I hate Megan. Worse, I hate myself for kissing
Dan and for being pleased he didn’t see Abi on Friday. I was delighted he hadn’t left me to go and see her. He’d gone to see his mum! Although, I thought he said he was going to see a friend. I thought of him bending forward to kiss me, of how he made that groan when I said his name. I like him so much. When did everything get so complicated?

  I was glad when Abi bought a huge plate of chips with a burger. She’s so thin her bones almost push at her skin. She’s lost a lot of weight recently.

  I sat down with Megan and Abi, hoping Rosa-Leigh would show up soon. The girls queuing for their food shoved and jostled each other. Everything was so normal. Except for me. The blood in my veins pulsed a sudden, strange, silent flow of terror. My heart starting thumping. A panic attack. I left my food and, without telling the others where I was going, hurried to the bathroom, where I hid in one of the stalls hoping to calm down.

  I heard people come in. The first one said, “How quick can you do it?” It was Megan, I could recognize her nasal voice anywhere.

  “Maybe ten seconds.” The other was Abigail.

  “Okay, you take the toilet on the right. I’ll race you.”

  I had no idea what they were talking about. Then I heard them go into the stalls, and they both started retching. THROWING UP. It was revolting.

  I stayed really quiet.

  After a while they stopped and came out of the stalls. The bathroom stank of sick.

  Abigail said, “I feel better. I can’t believe I ate all that.”

  Megan said, “I had so many chips. All gone now.” There was a pause. She said, “You look great. You know Zara can do it in five seconds.”

  There was the sound of taps running, and then the water was turned off.

  Then they walked out of the bathroom together, their voices cut off as the door clicked shut behind them.

  WEDNESDAY, MAY 3RD

  How could I not have noticed what’s been going on with Abi?

  FRIDAY, MAY 5TH

  All I’ve thought about all week is Abi. I didn’t even realize my best friend was making herself so sick. How could I be so blind? God, everything’s so messed up. I’m so messed up.

  I think I’m permanently panicking. Abi and I hardly speak right now, so I can’t ask her about her problems. Not that I’d know where to start. But I feel sorry for her. Then I feel sorry for me. I don’t know what to do.

  MONDAY, MAY 8TH

  I had to see Lynda today. I sat down and felt the usual tension. She said, “I could refer you to another therapist if you think you might like it. She’s very good. I wonder if you might want to talk to her.”

  I said, “You’re quitting on me?”

  “No, you can keep coming to see me if you want. You’re always welcome here. I’m just not sure I’ve been able to give you the help I think you need.”

  I went quiet and thought about what she was saying. I thought about how messed up I am.

  She said, “Let’s take it one step at a time. It’s up to you. What do you think would be best?” She smiled her pleading puppy-dog smile. The one that makes me so cross with her. I realized suddenly it wasn’t her fault.

  I said, “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to talk to you. I don’t know why.”

  “It’s okay. What would you like to do?”

  “I’d like to see the other therapist. It’s nothing personal. I think I need to start over. With someone else.”

  She nodded.

  I said, “The writing has been helpful, though. Thank you for giving me the notebook.”

  She smiled, and there was nothing else to say.

  WEDNESDAY, MAY 10TH

  I have so much homework, I haven’t had time to write anything. Abi still looks awful. Dan hasn’t called. I’m avoiding Mum. And I’ve got so much homework to do and exams to study for. I’m having trouble sleeping. Not that I wasn’t already.

  SATURDAY, MAY 13TH

  I woke in the early morning because it’s Emily’s birthday today. She’d be twenty. I lay in the dark thinking about her. I tried to picture what she’d look like now, but I couldn’t. In my imagination she looked just the same as the last morning I saw her.

  I wonder if one day she’d have been a great artist. Or teacher. Or social worker. I can imagine her in a job where she helped other people. I wonder if in the future she’d have married and had kids.

  A slow anger burned through me. She’d never have children now. I’ll never be an aunt. God, I want to see my sister on her birthday.

  SUNDAY, MAY 14TH

  I worked on that poem again. I thought of a last verse.

  The sticks on the trees

  Stand up harsh and bare

  With rings on their fingers

  And knots in their hair

  The silver of winter

  Is smoky with rain

  The witches of sunlight

  Fly low again

  In a puddle of grey

  Last summer lies

  Where nothing can swim

  And my sister dies

  In front of my eyes

  WEDNESDAY, MAY 17TH

  God, I wish I could go back to the night I was sitting with Emily on the roof. I wish I could hold time still at that moment and never move forward. I wish I could be there forever.

  THURSDAY, MAY 18TH

  I got home from school, and I pushed my bedroom door shut behind me. I hadn’t time to catch my breath before I was on my knees crying. And then I saw Emily. I could see her lying there on the floor in front of me, struggling for breath. Why did this happen? What sort of a world is it where someone could do something like this? Why my sister? What did she ever do to anyone? Why did she die and not me?

  Then, instead of lying there in the tunnel, Emily was standing in front of me wearing jeans and a gold dress cut off at the thighs.

  “That’s my dress,” I said.

  She shook her head.

  “You can have it,” I said.

  And I knew she wasn’t there. I know she’s not here. But for a moment I felt better. My sister.

  11

  The spring is weighted

  With what has been

  FRIDAY, MAY 19TH

  I had to get out of the house this evening, so I called Rosa-Leigh and we arranged that I’d go over. Her dad said he’d give us a ride to Camden so we could go to the spoken-word thing—I don’t think he realizes it’s in a bar.

  “Where’ve you been?” she said when I eventually arrived.

  “The bus took forever.”

  “I don’t mean that.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ve been walking around school in a fog for ages. Since Easter.”

  “I was just—” I paused. “I was just thinking.”

  Her dad drove us there, making jokes on the way. Rosa-Leigh looked at me a couple of times, and as soon as we got out of the car, she grabbed me and said, “What’s going on? You’re not telling me something.”

  There was so much I wasn’t telling everyone. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “I kissed Dan.”

  “Oh my God,” she said. “And are you okay?” She was talking fast and pushing me into the room, and I sat on one of the sofas and took a deep breath.

  She brought me a drink and said, “Why didn’t you tell me?” Her face was open, surprised. “He’s the worst, Sophie.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Sorry to tell you this, but Kalila heard from Zara that he and Megan are, you know, sleeping together.”

  “Dan slept with Megan?” I put my hand over my mouth, and my stomach twisted with jealousy. “No.” But suddenly it made sense. He’d had no qualms about kissing Abi’s old best friend, me, so why would he have any trouble sleeping with her new one, Megan? I wondered if it was Megan who’d called when he’d been kissing me in the street. And then I thought of the look Megan had given Zara in the lunch queue. It was her! He’d gone to see her that night when he’d left me. It was true. God, I’d been so wrapped up in everything else, I ha
dn’t realized what sort of a guy he really is.

  “What?” Rosa-Leigh said. “You didn’t like him?”

  I said, “I did. I really liked him. I’m an idiot.”

  “He’s an idiot. God, that’s why you’ve been hiding away? Because of some guy?”

  “Does Abigail know about Megan?”

  “I don’t think she does.” She took a big sip of her drink. “Tell me everything.”

  “I don’t even know where to start.”

  “When was it?”

  I leaned back into the sofa and took a deep breath. “It was stupid. It was nothing.”

  There was a silence, and then Rosa-Leigh said, “It was at her party, right?”

  “Kind of. Yes.”

  “I knew it.”

  “And then I ran into him on my way home from school. Oh God. I kissed him again.”

  “No!”

  I smiled at her. “Dumb. Really dumb.” I thought of Dan kissing me. I thought of how his hands touched me. I said, “Is Abigail okay?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Abigail has a lot to deal with right now without having to worry about him. And what you asked before: is it because of him I’ve been spaced out. The answer’s no. It’s not him. It’s me thinking about what happened to me last summer. I’ve been thinking about my sister a lot.”

  Rosa-Leigh nodded. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  I shook my head. “Not yet. That’s what was nice about Dan. It was easy to forget.”

  Rosa-Leigh gave me a brief nod and kindly changed the subject. “Kalila’s coming to meet us here. She’s the coolest person.” Rosa-Leigh smiled. “Except for maybe you.”

  And then Kalila arrived. She was wearing her head scarf, as usual, and she looked good. It’s funny: I’ve never really talked to her, and since last summer, I feel really uncomfortable. I don’t blame her—that would be stupid. I blame the people who did it, those hateful men. But I worry she might think I’m blaming her because she’s a Muslim—even though that’s ridiculous. I know other people have given her a hard time, especially last term, especially stupid Megan. But I’ve just avoided her.