Just an Illusion - Encore

by D. Kelly

  “Gorgeous name for a gorgeous girl. Thank you, Grace. I’m sorry I’m an asshole.”

  She looks me over me from head to toe and shakes her head. “You’re a mess, Weston. I noticed it earlier and chalked it up to your lifestyle, but now I’m not so sure. Do me a favor and I’ll forgive you.”

  “What’s that?”

  “That producer guy or whatever he was … Steve. Which room is his? I gave him my number, but now that this isn’t working out, I want to go surprise him.”

  I probably shouldn’t tell her, but I also know there is a guard outside who will keep her out if it isn’t okay. “One floor down. It’s the suite at the end of the hall. I think he left with someone though.”

  Grace gathers her purse and smiles. “Yup. Gorgeous blonde. She’s a good friend of mine. Steve will be in for a wild night. Too bad you’re an asshole and missed your shot.”

  She has no idea how much I’d rather be sandwiched between two hot women right now instead of dealing with my fucked-up feelings head-on.

  “Yeah, too bad.”

  “Well, it was nice to meet you, fucker.”

  I laugh, and as she waits for the elevator to open, she turns around one more time before stepping inside. “Sawyer, I hope you get your shit together.”

  Me too.

  “Blurry” by Puddle of Mudd plays in the background, and it seems oddly appropriate.

  Making myself comfortable on a plush barstool, I toss back what has to be my last shot and spin the chair around to inspect the room. It seems unnaturally empty, especially with the music playing so softly in the background. Typically, I cherish my alone time, but being alone is the last thing I want right now. I’m tired of being alone, of putting everyone else’s needs in front of mine. For once, I want to do something for me. I want my heart to be full and for the woman I love to know how much she means to me. Grace was right; I should talk this out with Noah and tell him I’ve been lying for months. He should know I’m still in love with Mel.

  I think he’d want me to be happy. Sure, at first it would hurt like a bitch, but I’ve never asked Noah for anything before. Except his forgiveness—which he gave. Do I really think he’d give it again? Dammit! Why do we always have to fall for the same girl? It’s always this sick, twisted fate for us. I’m tired of it, and for the love of God, I kissed her first. We felt that kiss in every cell of our bodies. It was the sort of kiss that happens when the stars and the heavens align just right. Maybe it was a fluke, but I’d have to kiss her again to know for sure.

  Fuck it. I’m calling Noah.

  I will not chicken out, I tell myself repeatedly as the phone rings. Noah may be angry, but he will always love me. What I don’t expect is to hear Mel’s sleepy voice on the other end of the line.

  “Hey, what’s going on?”

  “Princess, I need to talk to Noah, it’s important,” I slur.

  “He’s sleeping. His headache got worse and he had to take those pain pills.”

  “Shit. Can you come over to the hotel? I sent everyone home and now I don’t have a ride. Can you come and get me?” Totally not a lie, but I know asking her here is trouble. I also don’t care. For once in my life, I want something just for me.

  “Can I send Ryan or Mac?” She sounds frustrated, and my cock stirs to attention. Of course.

  “No, Princess. Well … yeah. Make sure one of them drives you, but I need you to come up to the room and get me. Please …”

  “Okay, I’ll be there soon.”

  “Thanks, Princess.”

  What the hell am I going to do now? I wanted to talk to Noah, but maybe this is better. Maybe if I explain myself to her first, we can talk to Noah together. Break it to him a little easier.

  But she’d have to choose me, and she hasn’t picked me yet. I know she has feelings for me, I just need to know how to bring them to the surface.

  As I sip on my drink, I think about calling Darren. Instead of interrupting him, I text. If he and Belle are getting it on, he won’t bother checking his phone.

  I’m going to tell her I love her.

  Darren doesn’t reply, but I didn’t expect him to. If I were him, I’d be making this a goodbye for the books.

  While I sit at the bar, my drunken thoughts shift to Noah. I’m lucky to have a brother like him. He’d do anything for me, and I was an idiot to even consider telling him about my feelings for Mel. It’s a good thing he didn’t answer the phone. God, what was I thinking?

  My stomach rumbles at the lack of food, or maybe it’s all the alcohol, but before I figure out which, the elevator doors slide open.

  Ryan steps out, followed by Princess who is wearing a cautious look on her pretty little face. Even in boots, jeans, and a sweater, she’s a walking dream come true.

  “Sawyer, are you ready to go?”

  “Princess! What are you doing here?” Damn, she’s a sight for sore eyes.

  “You called Noah, remember? I told you he couldn’t come and then you asked me to.”

  Shit, that seems like days ago. I already decided not to talk to Noah, but maybe I should follow his fate shit and take her presence as a sign. “Oh yeah, I remember. Hey, Ryan? Can you give me and Princess a few minutes alone? I need to talk to her about something.”

  “Sure thing, boss,” Ryan answers, stepping into one of the other rooms.

  “What’s going on, Sawyer? How long have you been here alone?”

  Huh? She’s worried about me. That’s new. No one ever seems to worry about me like I worry about them. “Not sure. I kicked the last girl out a little while after you left. She wasn’t happy with me, though, she cussed me out something fierce.” If Princess only knew my dick rises exclusively for her these days. Just thinking about Mel’s reaction has me cracking up. I wonder if she’d find it flattering? She should. Causing my cock to flop must be a fucking superpower of hers.

  “I thought you were keeping the room for just the occasion?”

  The only occasion I want this room for right now is so the two of us can christen every inch of it with our bodies. Hell, who am I kidding? I’d be happy to curl up in bed together like that night on the bus. The thought of being close to her again makes me wish Noah were here so he could talk me off the ledge with this whole thing.

  “Yeah, well … some things are bigger than pussy, you know?” I pour myself another drink, regretting it before I even bring it to my lips. Princess pulls it from my hands and places it in front of her. “Sorry, Princess, I should have offered you one. Fuck … I wish Noah would have come.”

  “You can talk to me, Sawyer. What did you want to tell Noah? Maybe I can help.”

  “Nah, I don’t think so. I was going to tell Noah not to marry you.” The words fly out of my mouth, and instead of focusing on the hurt expression on her face, I flash her a fake smile. “Do you want a drink?”

  “No, I want to know why you don’t want Noah and me to get married.”

  I give her my panty-melting smirk and hope she’ll drop this because I’m about to tell her everything. “Now that I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”

  “People shouldn’t keep secrets, Sawyer. Secrets only bring hurt.”

  Fuck it. If she wants to play it this way, I’m down. “Like you don’t keep secrets. You never told Noah I propositioned you on the bus.”

  “All right, some secrets are better to keep because the end result can hurt more.” Her words are laced with pain.

  I slip off my stool to put some space between us, but my body went the wrong way and I’m inches from her. “And that’s why I can’t tell you. It would hurt too much.”

  When I start backing away, she reaches for me. Her touch sears into my skin, igniting every cell in my body. Then she locks those gorgeous eyes on mine and I can’t look away. I won’t, “Sawyer, please …”

  The sound of her begging is my complete undoing. I’ve imagined her saying those words many times. In my fantasies, though, a variation of sexual positions has her begging. It’s never like thi
s, never with me drunk, vulnerable, and so head-over-heels in love with my Princess that I barely know who I am anymore. I have to know. I have to try … one last time.

  “Amelia …”

  Her eyes widen with my whispered plea. I’m about to give her everything I am, and I can only pray to any god who will listen that she doesn’t shatter my heart and soul into pieces. Inching closer, I pull her face to mine until our foreheads touch. She sucks in a breath, and I know she feels it too. This pull between us, this undeniable chemistry, is stronger than both of us. With our eyes locked onto each other, I try conveying without words how sorry I am for what I’m about to do. Hopefully, Noah will also be able to forgive me someday.

  “Sawyer,” she whispers as I press my finger against her lips. Her cheeks flush with desire, and my cock twitches as I realize how much she’s affected by me.

  “Pick me, Amelia. I’m a selfish bastard, and it will tear my brother apart, but he doesn’t need you like I do. I need you, Amelia. You’re the only one who has ever brought me to life.”

  Without a second thought, I drop my lips to hers and nearly fall to my knees as I feel her very essence seep into my veins. She opens to me fervently, and as my tongue caresses hers in the sweetest kiss I’ve ever had, she moans with pleasure as she leans into me. This is everything I’ve ever wanted, and I don’t care how wrong it is, or about the dire consequences, all I care about is how she makes me feel. Just as I’m about to unleash all my desires onto her, she pulls away breathlessly. The fearful expression on her face is nothing compared to the sorrow and disgust in her eyes.

  “Sawyer …” she gasps.

  As she bends over, gripping her stomach as if she may vomit, I realize how much I repulse her and how big of a line I just crossed. My eyes fill with tears as all the love I felt infuse into my veins seeps out as quickly as it went in. She’s like heroin, the worst kind of addiction but so euphoric and pleasureful it’s worth even the most catastrophic aftereffects just to experience her.

  “It’s okay, Princess. I know you’re in love with him, but I had to try, right?” I shrug nonchalantly as if the terror-filled expression she’s wearing isn’t gutting me from the inside out.

  “It’s not only that,” she says, and for a brief second, I wonder if her whispered words could mean something more. Then she drops a bomb that crashes down on my soul with an impact I couldn’t have braced for if I tried. “Sawyer, I’m pregnant.”

  I stumble back onto my barstool, head hanging in shame as I try to absorb the enormity of what she just said. “Out of all the things wrong with this situation, that makes me the biggest asshole on the planet. Fuck. Mel, you need to go.”

  She looks at me with a horror-filled expression but quickly schools it. “I’m here to take you home, remember?”

  Calling her was the worst mistake of my life. Fuck. I should have listened to Darren. “Call Darren, will you? Have him come and get me. I need to talk to him. Fuck, Mel! Does Noah even know?”

  Noah is going to be a dad, and I just kissed my future niece or nephew’s mom. My brother’s fiancée. I’m an awful person.

  “No, he doesn’t. I only found out before we got here. I wanted it to sink in a bit. This is all he’s ever wanted for his future, but this dream isn’t mine.”

  Dammit! I don’t want to know Noah is having a baby before he does. What if she doesn’t want the baby? I can’t keep this kind of secret from him. This is why she’s been so unhappy lately.

  I finally find my voice through all the turmoil in my head. “You are keeping the baby, right?”

  “Yes. How could I not? All I ever want to do is make Noah happy, and this will be the best gift I could ever give him … but I’d be lying if I said I’d wished for it to happen. At least not yet. He only just asked me to marry him. And now … boom … built-in wife and kid. We won’t ever know what our life could have been like together before building on our love. Besides, I’m not quite sure I’m mom material, but I guess I’m about to find out.”

  I cross my arms on the bar and lay my head on top of them, hoping to stop my world from spinning out of control. Or at least maybe it will help keep the room from spinning. “This is so fucked up.”

  “Please don’t tell him, Sawyer. Let me be the one to give him the news.”

  All my anger simmers to the surface as I lift my head and lock my eyes on hers. “Which part, Mel? Don’t tell him you’re having his love child, or don’t tell him I just begged my brother’s fiancée and baby mama to leave him for his fucked-up twin? Jesus, what’s wrong with me? I fucking love Noah more than anything yet I can’t get you out of my head!”

  Nothing is going to stop the spinning, so I might as well get drunk enough to pass out. I reach for the whiskey and take a swig straight from the bottle as she watches with concern. I set down the bottle only to pick it right back up and take another gulp. My throat burns as the alcohol goes down, but I can handle this kind of pain if it numbs the rest. Tears are flowing freely down my cheeks, and I don’t care that she’s watching me cry. Hopefully, I won’t remember any of this tomorrow.

  “Don’t tell him about the baby, Sawyer, please. As for what just happened between us … Noah will never know. It would kill him and your relationship, and I don’t ever want to be the cause of that. I love you both, you’re my family. Promise me, Sawyer, we’ll move forward, but Noah can never know this happened because as far as I’m concerned, it didn’t.”

  My heart stutters as I process her words and wipe away my tears.

  “You’d do that for me? I don’t get it, Mel, why?”

  She laces her fingers through mine and squeezes hard. It’s painful because we’ll never have this closeness again.

  “Because you’re my family, Sawyer, and just because I’m in love with your brother doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to love you too. This baby is going to need its uncle and if Noah finds out you kissed me and I let you, there is nothing good that can come from it. This will never happen again, Sawyer. I’m madly and deeply in love with Noah and even though the timing sucks, we are having a baby. Babies deserve happy families all the way around, don’t they?”

  She’s in love with Noah.

  They’re having a baby.

  If I can remember that and accept it, we’ll all be okay.

  But the way she pleads with me, I know there’s something deeper. She does have feelings for me, but we can’t act on them. This baby changes everything, for better or worse.

  “They do, and regardless of how you feel right now, you’re going to be the best mom, Mel. Never doubt that for a second.”

  She forces a smile and squeezes my hand again.

  “We’ll see, I guess. But Sawyer, this is important. I need you to know Noah means everything to me. He’s what is right in my life and I adore him. I care for you and let myself get sucked into a weak moment, and I’m going to have to live with that, just like you are, but this can’t happen again. Promise me.”

  What else can I do? There’s nothing left except to figure out a way to get over her. To let my love for her go. With an exhausted sigh, I make a promise I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep.

  “I promise, Mel. Noah will never know. Can you please get Darren over here?”

  “Yeah, let me see what I can do.”

  It couldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes from when Mel called Darren to when he got to the hotel, but as we sat in the most uncomfortable silence I’ve ever experienced, it might as well have been fifteen hours.

  Darren storms into the room with fury raging across his face, but once he looks between us, his body sags in understanding.

  “You told her, didn’t you?” Darren asks, but he already knows the answer to this question. Mel hugs him and thanks him for coming before asking him to find Ryan for her. Then she turns to me, places a kiss on my cheek—which feels like the kiss of death—and hugs me too. Pain lances through my heart with the knowledge this is the end of my sick little obsession. Once again, I wish I wasn’t
second choice to Noah.

  “You’re my family, Sawyer, and my friend … for life. Please don’t let this moment in time mess that up for us. I’m not angry, I just want you to have what Noah and I do, and I know someday you’re going to find it with the perfect girl for you.”

  I’m not the only one whose eyes fill with tears, but it’s not until she reaches the elevator that I finally answer her. “You’re my family too, Mel … always.”

  Before I can regret it, and before Darren can stop me, I send her a link to the video for “What We Can Never Have” by Fuel. I don’t expect her to reply, but when she does, everything hurts that much more. She sends me a link to “The Story Never Ends” by Lauv, and it only once again proves this girl is meant for me, not Noah.

  Letting Go

  Darren takes a seat on the couch, and I stumble over to him as he pours himself a drink. With a slight shake of his head, he takes in my rumpled appearance and knocks back his drink. “You were supposed to call me first.”

  “I know, and you have no idea how much I wish I had. I’m sorry for fucking up your last night.”

  “It’s all right. You didn’t interrupt anything. We were already sleeping. Talk to me, Sawyer. What kind of mess are we facing later today?”

  “Let’s toast, first,” I say, raising my glass.

  Darren shakes his head “You’ve had enough, don’t you think?”

  “One more. I promise it’s worth it.”

  Reluctantly, he fills a glass and holds it up. “What are we toasting?”

  “Noah and Mel are having a baby.”

  “Oh, fuck me.” Darren’s eyes widen, and we toss back our drinks at the same time.

  “I’m happy for him.”

  Darren nods. “I know you are, Sawyer. You love Noah.”

  “I’m also totally and completely fucking gutted.” The tears start flowing again as I think of everything I’ll never have.

  “How about you fill me in from the beginning.”

  Darren forces me to drink a bunch of water as I tell him about the evening's events.