Secondhand Heart

by Kristen Strassel

  It felt so good to lay in someone’s arms again.

  Cam’s arm fell from the top of my shoulders to my arm, and started running his fingers in lazy circles just below the end of my sleeve. His fingers felt almost hot to the touch, and the sensation sent electricity through my body, straightening my spine. I bumped against his chin, making him chuckle quietly, then pull me in closer.

  It wasn’t hard to tear my eyes away from the bloodbath on the screen when I knew Cam was so close to me, the corners of his lips turned upward in a smile that didn’t need any explanation. The reflection of the movie played in his eyes, but I saw straight through that, to the guy who no matter how he got here, wanted to be laying in the back of his truck with me right now.

  Without even realizing what I was doing, I licked my lips. Cam took that as the invitation he needed and tipped my face up to meet his. His lips brushed against mine, almost like a feather drifting against my skin. His teeth grazed my bottom lip, and I gasped, opening my mouth just enough to let him in.

  I accepted his kiss, sweet and hungry, pulling myself up to his body. Cam pressed me against him while his tongue played with mine.

  My heart pounded. This was so nice, and I needed it more than I ever even realized. I’d never kissed anyone but Jordan.

  I pulled away too fast. Cam’s face followed mine before he had a chance to settle himself.

  “What’s wrong?” His voice was low and husky.

  “I…I haven’t done this with anyone but Jordan.” The words didn’t come easily.

  Cam closed his eyes for a long blink, his lashes casting shadows just above his cheekbones. “I know I can’t compete with him,” he finally said. “If you’re not ready—“

  “I don’t know.” I sat up, hugging myself. “I tell myself I’m not, but I want you in my life. And I’m trying to tell myself it’s okay to want that.”

  His eyes lit up, even in the dark. “It is okay.” One corner of his mouth went up in that half smile that wrecked me every time he did it. “Of course, I am biased.”

  “But you’re married.” Why did I need to keep reminding him? I was widowed and I couldn’t fucking forget it.

  “My marriage is over. We just need to sign it on the dotted line,” Cam insisted.

  “You didn’t sound so sure before.”

  “Daisy, one thing I am sure of.” His hand was back on my chin, his fingers caressing my cheek. “Is that right now I don’t want anyone but you.”

  This time, I was ready for his kiss.

  Don’t ask me how Circus of the Damned ended, because I have no idea. All I can tell you about was how good it felt to have Cam touch me, how he nipped and teased me for what seemed like forever before kissing me long and slow. How his calloused fingers felt against my rib cage, how I had to stop myself from begging him to touch my breasts, but it never got to that. Cam knew what I needed without me having to ask for it. And I was all too happy to return the favor.

  Thank God for darkness, pickup truck beds, and blankets. Seriously, because otherwise we would have been arrested in the parking lot of the Wellfleet Drive-In. We were jarred back to reality when horns blared in the drive aisles, people anxious to leave.

  Cam was lucky I didn’t bite him in a place where no dude ever wants a girl’s teeth to make contact with skin. I was nervous and shaky already, rusty as hell. Mutilating Cam’s man parts would have been the real scary movie: The Hummer Horror Show.

  So what. I got a little carried away. And I was not apologizing for it.

  Both of us were nervous and edgy, neither one having a chance to finish the job before it was time to go. The hour long ride home was torture. Both of us tried to make small talk, but really, what the hell do you say when you know if you make eye contact, you’ll be tearing each other’s clothes off in a moving car and probably wind up in a tree? I know French people call orgasms The Little Death, but I didn’t want to have a Little Near Death experience.

  “So,” Cam let out a breath it sounded like he’d been holding the whole way home when he turned the ignition off in front of his condo. He looked at me, his eyes practically pools of fire illuminated only by the street lights. I didn’t wait for what followed, I cupped his chin in my hand and kissed him. I’d already unhooked my seatbelt, which only made it slightly less awkward for me to crawl as much into his lap as the steering wheel would allow.

  Cam laughed as soon as I came up for air.

  “What were you saying?” I asked as I smoothed my hair down.

  “I was going to ask you if you wanted to come in.” That lopsided smile slayed me.

  My eyes widened and I licked his taste off of my lips. My new favorite. “Really? It’s a question?”

  “You could have decided you had enough of me on the way home,” he said.

  I didn’t answer, just opened the door and slid out of the cab of the truck. Had I? Just moments before that kiss, I’d still been so pissed at him, and at myself about the divorce thing. Touching him changed everything. It erased every logical thought in my brain. Oh yeah, I still had my doubts. But I wasn’t going to worry about that any more tonight.

  Cam waited for me in the parking lot, one quick peck before he took my hand in his and led me up the steps to his condo.

  As soon as I got inside, Cam pushed me up against the wall of the entryway, and kicked the door closed. Now that I was inside, all I saw was the inside of my own eyelids. And a thousand little firecrackers going off in my brain. I didn’t give a damn what the rest of the place looked like right now.

  Cam pulled my T-shirt up over my head and dropped it on the floor. We separated from each other just long enough to watch it fall on to a pair of his cowboy boots.

  Cowboy boots? Really, Cam? It was summer and we were on the beach. In Massachusetts.

  “Sorry.” He sounded like he could barely catch my breath. His fingers were drawn to the lacy pattern on my bra almost magnetically, tracing the outline of the flowers. Thank God I’d had the foresight to actually buy a decent bra, even though I hadn’t planned on getting undressed for anyone in the foreseeable future. My back arched as his fingers swirled closer and closer to my nipples, threatening to tear out of the sheer fabric like Clark Kent having a Superman moment.

  “Don’t be.” I writhed under his touch. He was almost too gentle, driving me insane. It was like I’d been lost in the desert and been able to just catch a single raindrop on my tongue. My body had no idea how much it needed this until I’d had a little taste of what I was missing.

  “Let’s go upstairs,” he suggested, and his eyes darted in the direction of his bedroom. When he looked back at me, flames still licking his eyes, he pinched my nipple and I gasped.

  I nodded in response. My knees felt like rubber going up the stairs. Cam held me by the waist, maybe to steady me, maybe to keep his own balance. I tried not to think about my back fat, being squashed between my shorts and bra strap. Cam took care of that problem halfway up the stairs by unhooking the damn thing.

  I caught it in my hands when I reached the top of the landing, shocked by the feel of my own nipples in my palms. Cam’s hands came around to cover mine and he kissed my neck. I turned around as slowly as I could, using all the sexy I didn’t even know I had, and lifted my bra with one arm extended and wrapped it around the back of Cam’s neck, all while kissing him, pulling him towards me.

  His hands were now on my bare breasts, hot against my skin. “How are we going to do this?” he whispered against my cheek. “I can’t even let go of you long enough to get you to the bed.”

  I answered him by dropping to my knees, and unzipping his fly. I’d already familiarized myself with the lay of the land, and his willing cock sprung out, happy to see me come back for more. Cam groaned when I took him in my mouth, his hands knotting themselves in fistfuls of my hair.

  “Jesus,” I almost didn’t hear him. “You have to stop.”

  “Why?” I cupped his balls in my hand while I looked up at him, moving my thumb back and forth
slowly.

  “Because I’m close, and it’s been a while.” His words came between pants, then he sunk to his knees. He pressed his damp forehead against mine, kissing me a thousand times as his shaking hands fumbled to free me of my shorts. I was in such shock that I could have this effect on a man, after being so out of touch with my own needs, physical, emotional, all of them, that I couldn’t help him. His face was half shrouded in shadow, but a sliver of light fell on just the right part of his face that his crooked smile set my heart and everything else ablaze.

  His thumbs hooked my shorts and my panties down over my hips and I sunk down so he could pull them away from me. I watched his eyes run the length of my body. At first I fought the urge to cover myself up, until I saw the expression on his face. I couldn’t breathe. He wrestled free of his own clothes, and fuck, he was just as spectacular as I thought he would be naked. Sun kissed and chiseled just enough that I could see the outlines of his muscles rippling down to the line of hair that ran down from his bellybutton to his groin. My eyes settled there a little too long, and I almost went back to what I was doing before I remembered he asked me to stop. I looked back up at him, feeling a little shy. He placed one arm on either side of me, answering any doubts I might have had about if he’d still want me after seeing me naked and obviously not being on the same planet as he was by kissing me. Then one of his hands rested softly on my back, guiding me down on the carpet.

  He crawled over me, one knee separating my thighs. The cool air hit in between my legs, hot and soaking already, and I moaned against his mouth. His lips left mine, lazily making their way down my throat and down to the hollow between my breasts. He picked his head up, giving me a wicked teasing look, before he chose a nipple to take in his mouth, scraping his teeth against my swollen skin and making me push his head against me, never wanting to let him go. One of his hands teased my sex, then two fingers plunged inside me. My fingers curled into the flesh of his shoulders, and I was afraid I’d draw blood. Both of us cried out at the same time.

  He pulled away from me, and I was worried he’d changed his mind when he fumbled for his jeans. He took his wallet from his back pocket, and I wasn’t sure what he was doing until he took a condom out. Part of me was relieved, part of me wondered if he’d planned for our night to end this way all along, and part of me was terrified that this was real.

  His lips came back up to mine, swallowing my cry as he entered me. I titled my hips up to meet him, wrapping my legs around his waist to make sure I experienced all of him. Cam steadied himself, whispering my name, then fell we fell into rhythm with each other, answering the questions we hadn’t even known how to ask each other. I felt myself come to the top of the ride, explosions going off everywhere in my body, my stomach leaping into my throat. I had no idea how high Cam had gotten me until it was time to crash back down to reality.

  Cam didn’t have much more in him, either. He swelled inside of me, his body spasmed and he collapsed beside me. We lay there, catching our breath, our hands reaching out for one another just to make sure we were still real, not saying anything for the longest time. Every so often, I’d have a thought that I couldn’t find the words for, so I’d just kiss him instead to get the answer.

  We never moved off the landing, I rested my head on his shoulder and dozed off, feeling safe for the first time in a long time with his strong arms wrapped around me, our legs tangled in an impossible knot.

  My eyes opened just enough to be startled by the brightening gray sky announcing morning through the skylight. Fuck, it was tomorrow already.

  “Cam,” I whispered. He had to let me go. “I’ve got to go home.”

  “No, you don’t.” His eyes didn’t even open. “Stay with me.”

  His words made me want to put my head back down and lay with him, naked at the top of that staircase, forever. “I have a stupid math test this morning.” Way to ruin a good thing, community college.

  “That sucks.” He opened his eyes and rolled over on to his side. I rolled back on to my knees, collecting the trail of my clothes we’d discarded just hours before. Putting your clothes back on with an audience was nowhere near as sexy as taking them off. I almost wanted to shy away from him, but Cam didn’t think my show was as much as a lost cause as I did. He watched my every move. “You can’t stay just a little bit longer?”

  “If my ass isn’t in that seat at eight, I can’t take the test. If I can’t take that test, I wasted my entire summer for nothing.” I leaned back over in kiss him, just in my bra because my shirt was still downstairs. Cam pulled me back down, his fingers lingering too long against my bra hook. If he undid it, I could kiss this class goodbye.

  And at that moment, I wasn’t even sure how much I cared.

  Suddenly, he slapped my ass, and we both cracked up laughing. “Go take your test. We’ll celebrate tonight. At the bar. I have an open mic night and I would love some company.”

  I forced myself back upright. “Celebrate what?”

  “Your math genius.” He shook his head like it was obvious. “Go, before I change my mind and never let you leave.”

  So many times I’d snuck in the house in the early morning hours, after meeting up with Jordan, and doing things that would have gotten us locked in our respective rooms for the rest of our lives. Our parents had been kind of naive, in our defense. They let us have sleepovers, like in the same room, until we were thirteen. If you’re a parent reading this, here’s a newsflash for you: thirteen is way too old for innocent coed sleepovers. It took ours that long to catch on. At least Jordan did eventually make an honest woman out of me.

  But never once sneaking back in from Jordan’s house did I ever run face to face with my dad in the kitchen.

  Fuck.

  His mouth dropped when I came in, and his free hand steadied his coffee cup. I might as well have hung a “freshly fucked” sign around my neck. It was just obvious. I wanted to die.

  “You were out late.” He probably didn’t mean to frown, but he did.

  “Yeah, I fell asleep watching the movie.” He was never going to buy that.

  He grunted against the cup, and didn’t make eye contact with me. I took the stairs two at a time to get away from him. I ducked into my room, grabbed my pjs, and headed straight into the shower before my mother woke up. I pulled my shirt up over my head, the scent of Cam’s arousal clung to me.

  I left my house as soon as I got dressed, opting to get my coffee and breakfast out than face anyone else I lived with. I texted Bree, those kids woke her up at the crack of dawn every day, to tell her about my night.

  You need to get a babysitter. Cam’s hosting an open mic night tonight, and I don’t want to sit there by myself while he’s on stage. I pleaded with her.

  Are you sure? It’s not like a date date? I’ll do my best. No one ever wants to watch these kids. I can’t really blame them.

  I don’t know what it is. My presence was demanded. Like I’m demanding yours.

  How did your night go?

  It just ended.

  My phone rang. “Tell me everything.”

  “I’m so stupid.” My sleep deprived brain had no filter, but I was going to tell her everything anyway. No need to hide anything from Bree. “He’s still married.”

  “What?” She shrieked so loud I had to pull the phone away from my ear. “But all the things I’ve read say his marriage is dead in the water.”

  “That might be true, but they haven’t signed the paperwork.” I wanted to cry. I’d practically locked myself in a cage since Jordan died, and then I went and did this. I might as well lay down in the middle of the street and let Cam run me over. It would get us to the same point faster. “And he didn’t sound like he was totally over her.”

  “You’re not over Jordan yet, either,” Bree said quietly.

  “I know.” I took a deep breath. “But he can’t come back.”

  “Did you guys sleep together?” She asked in that tone she used when she was trying to fix my life. Everyo
ne else had given up by now, but Bree, the trooper, still believed in happily ever after.

  “We didn’t even make it to bed.” My heart pounded, admitting my sins out loud, surrounded by Dunkin’ Donuts wrappers. I wallowed in gross this morning.

  “Well, that’s good.” Bree totally missed my point. “You’re probably best to keep it platonic. Maybe you shouldn’t even go tonight. Make him work for it.”

  “No. We didn’t make it to the bed. We fucked each other’s brains out in the upstairs hallway like my mother never taught me any manners.”

  Bree gasped. “Oh. Hey, it’s early and I’ve only had one cup of coffee. And for the record, your mother didn’t teach you any manners. You were the first girl to do it in our class.”

  “But I married Jordan!” Now I was crying. “This guy is married to someone who isn’t me. And I fucking gave it to him like I was some sort of…sex vending machine.”

  “Daisy. It’s okay. We all make mistakes. Some of them you can’t take back, like when they knock you up and then skip out on child support.” She paused and gave me a chance to smile at her expense. “I think you’re beating yourself up over a technicality. He’ll be divorced soon enough, and then everything will be cool.”

  Would it be cool, though? As long as Cam was married, I had an excuse to walk away from him. To crawl back into my hidey hole, and continue the delusion that I didn’t have to move on with my life. That Jordan was still coming home. If Cam was totally available and into me, then I had to do something about it. Actually move forward.

  People gave me all sorts of options for what I should do next. I just wasn’t ready to make any choices right now. I’d already made my choice, and I had been happy. I wanted that back. So they could dangle all the Cam Hunters they wanted in front of my face. All the jobs, all the places to live, anything really. It didn’t matter how good it sounded. I wasn’t ready for another failure.