Secondhand Heart

by Kristen Strassel

  Cam was really losing everything. A good friend, what he’d thought had been a real marriage, his singing career, and possibly his restaurant. Not to mention his pride and his dignity. The one final piece of my heart that was still intact dissolved into dust.

  “If he does cancel it, someone else will work with you,” I insisted, even though I had no idea what I was talking about.

  “Maybe.” Cam looked so defeated. “Please say you’ll talk to your parents for me?”

  How was I even going to have that conversation? “I will, but this isn’t like ‘Cam was wondering if you could hang out on Friday night.’ Chances are, it hasn’t even occurred to them to do such a thing. They’re not that kind of people. Right now, they’re fucking devastated that they’ve lost their daughter. They’re not looking for revenge. They just want to heal.”

  “Right.” Cam stood up, picking up where I left off with the pacing. “I’m not used to normal people anymore. I’m used to money hungry, vindictive assholes that would take everything just for the satisfaction of doing it.”

  Cam slammed his fist against the wall, and then leaned his head against it. I didn’t go to him, sometimes I knew you just needed to feel pain to numb what was going inside. If the tables were turned, I’d push him away if he approached me. I watched his shoulders heave up and down, and thought about what a shitty world he lived in if that’s what he just expected. Nothing but lawyers and money, people not giving a shit about other people.

  “Is this what you really want?” I asked after thinking about it.

  He looked over at me, surprised. He might have forgotten I was even in the room. “What do you mean?”

  “To be famous. If that guy doesn’t want to record your album, fuck him. Seriously. You said all you wanted to do was sing. You don’t need all of these people pulling your strings like a marionette to do that. You can sing in the shower if you want to. You can sing here. People will come to see you. I’ve never been here once when this place is empty.”

  “I guess.” Cam didn’t seem convinced.

  “Has being famous been anything like what you imagined?”

  Cam looked lost for a minute, I knew he was really thinking about my question. “Not at all.”

  “Has it made you happy?”

  “No.” That answer came quickly.

  “Then don’t do it, Cam.” I finally got up to approach him.

  “But it’s who I am now.” He said more to convince himself than me.

  “No, it’s not. It’s nothing about who you are. There’s no shame in walking away from something that doesn’t make you happy.” I couldn’t believe I was saying this. “You said being here made you feel alive.”

  “You make me feel alive.”

  “Nothing we do has anything to do with that world.” I squeezed his hands. “Think about it.”

  All I could do was think about it for the rest of the day. How Cam’s whole universe was so foreign to me. How things that shouldn’t have seemed normal to him at all gradually had nudged their way into his life, making him shrug when I wanted to scream. How he couldn’t see that this blind desire for success was turning everything around him to rubble.

  We actually did go through paperwork for the rest of the time we were at the restaurant. It felt strangely good, because it was so fucking normal. But I was distracted. I kept looking at Cam, really looking at him in a way I never had before. The almost invisible hairs that curled off of his tan arms. The way he squinted at the computer, but not to see, almost as if it helped him think through things. The way he sang softly while he worked, making up songs about menus and accounting that made me giggle. Every once in a while he’d catch me watching him, and he’d either wink at me, or return my smile with an intensity that made me almost want to go over the desk to him.

  The office door was locked, Ashley was locked up, and Cam didn’t make a move. Instead he went back to his computer screen, tapping the end of the pencil against it. My heart sank, and I didn’t quite know why. I liked this better, in theory. This was the stuff that made a relationship work, made it normal. And it should have been making me deliriously happy, but it wasn’t.

  I wasn’t being fair to anyone. I couldn’t concentrate on my part of the work.

  “Why don’t you do the filing,” Cam gave me a quick kiss when he dropped the daily envelopes in front of me. “I’ll take this over.”

  “You’ll have it all fixed in a minute, right?” He’d been doing it all afternoon. I’d swear, and he’d get up and hit a button or two, and it was like nothing ever happened.

  I could feel the heat of his body while he leaned over me, one arm on either side of me. “Probably.”

  We’d worked enough for one day, and tension poured into the room. Neither of us wanted to face those reporters.

  What had they come up with while we hid in this little bubble? How much more was there? Every time I thought I knew everything about Cam, and Ashley, and this whole situation, there was just a little bit more. And Cam didn’t seem to understand how much of a big fucking deal it was.

  We made it back to his truck unscathed. We heard nothing new in the cacophony of people shouting questions and their undying love to Cam.

  But everything about this part of Cam’s life made me feel smaller and smaller, and I was beginning to worry that I could actually disappear. I had to make that feeling go away before it destroyed me.

  I forced the words out. “Can you drop me off at my parents’ house?”

  Cam was caught off guard, as I expected. “Sure. Why?”

  “I just want to go home.” I didn’t expect him to understand, and I didn’t think I had the energy to make him. “I need to think for a while.”

  “Daisy, come on. We can talk about this.” Still, he drove towards my parents’ house.

  “I don’t want to talk right now.” It sounded so bitchy, but I needed to digest everything that had happened without any outside influences. What I really felt like doing was running away from home. “I just need some space.”

  “This has always gone so well for me in the past,” he grumbled. “Fine.”

  I was pretty sure that’s what Ashley had told him when she wanted to separate. “Not like that.” At least I didn’t think so, anyway. “I don’t know what I want to do next, to be honest.”

  “No one does. And it doesn’t matter if you did, because there are a million things that are acting on whatever it is you think you’re going to do from the outside. You can’t have any pure plan, it’s always affected in some way by the rest of the world, whether you’re ready for it or not.”

  “I know.” I looked over at Cam once he pulled into my neighborhood. Until then, I’d been staring out the window as I talked. He looked crushed. “But that doesn’t mean I should never think again, either.”

  “I guess.” Cam didn’t know what to do with his hands once he stopped in front of my parent’s house, and he rubbed them along his thighs. “When are you coming back?”

  Shit. “I don’t know.”

  “Are you?”

  “I think so.” My voice started to quiver.

  I stared at him for what felt like forever before I got out of the car. I wanted to touch him, to kiss him, to tell him it was going to be okay, but that would have been one big fucking lie. I got out before I broke down and walked as quickly as I could into the house.

  I didn’t look back.

  “What are you doing here, Dee Dee?” My dad’s mouth hung open. He was exactly where I’d expected to find him, in his recliner, with the dog, watching sports shows until baseball started. My dad needed routine. It gave him the safety and security that was taken away from him last week. “Your mother’s at the hospital already.”

  “I came to hang out.” The dog had taken up residence in my chair. I wedged myself in between her body and the cushions. “That cool?”

  “Of course.” Dad looked at me over his beer, and raised his eyebrow. “Is everything alright?”

  I stop
ped petting Sandy for a second. “I think so.”

  “Don’t be too hard on him, Dee.” My dad took a long sip of his beer. “Or yourself.”

  I didn’t feel like watching baseball. I went upstairs to my room, put the Ev playlist back on, and stared at the ceiling. I must have fallen asleep, because a knock at my door sent me into midair. My mom peeked around the door, like she wasn’t sure what she’d find. “Did you know Cam was outside?”

  “What?” I sat up too fast, sleep still heavy all around me. “What time is it?”

  “Ten thirty. I had a party tonight. It was awful. I should have taken more time off. I went straight from the hospital.” My mom took a few timid steps. “Do you mind if I sit?”

  “No, come in.” I wasn’t sure what to ask her first. “How’s JR?”

  Her face lit up. “Amazing. I was able to get him to wrap his fingers around my pinky. You’d never believe how strong he is.”

  “Of course he is.” I put the pillow in my lap. “That’s awesome.”

  “It was. He’ll be ready to thumb wrestle you tomorrow.” She wiped tears from her cheeks with her thumb. Happy tears. Finally. “I want to apologize to you, Daisy.”

  “You do? For what?”

  She sat on the very edge of the bed, the sparkle drained from her face. She took a deep breath. “I’ve been really hard on you since you moved back here. I thought I was helping you, I really did. I thought if I pushed you, you’d be ready to go on with your life. Now that we’re in this same place again, with Evelyn, I understand a lot more now. More than I wish I ever had to. I’ve lost one daughter, I don’t want to push another one away.”

  Through the blur of my tears, I watched my mother crumble. I leaned over and put my arms around her, I won’t lie, it felt strange. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d hugged my mom just because, or for a happy reason. She took my hand in hers and squeezed it.

  “Thank you.” I knew it took a lot for her to say what she did.

  She gestured towards the window once we got ourselves back together. “Why is Cam sitting outside our house, in his truck, in the dark? I tried to get him to come in, but he refused. Very politely, but he wouldn’t come.”

  “I thought you didn’t like Cam.” I whacked at her with my pillow. I had to keep it playful because I didn’t want to cry again. Or start a fight. Maybe from now on, everything wouldn’t be a battle between the two of us. What an amazing possibility. “You said he was too good looking to be trusted.”

  “I wasn’t crazy about him, until I got to know him. He doesn’t get the best publicity.” My mom shook her head sadly, knowing full well who had been responsible for combatting that. “But he cares about you, Daisy. A lot. And he’s sitting out there in the dark, waiting for you, while you sit up here listening to Evelyn’s music.”

  “How do you know its Ev’s music?”

  “You hate country music.” She grabbed the pillow and hit me with it. “How long has he been out there?”

  “I don’t know. He dropped me off around six. Maybe since then.” I crawled over to the window. There was his truck, where he stopped to let me out, with the interior light on. I couldn’t see what he was doing, if anything. I wondered if he could see me looking out the window.

  “He’s lost a lot, Daisy.” Mom waited for me to sit back at the head of the bed. “He’s hurting, too.”

  I chewed on my bottom lip. “That’s what Dad said.”

  “Believe it or not, we agree on a lot things.” Mom’s face brightened. A week ago, I might not have believed it. “Did the two of you have a fight?”

  “No.” I knotted my fingers painfully together.

  “Then what’s going on?”

  “I just don’t know if it’s going to work. Everything that, to me, is wrong with our relationship, is because he’s famous. Ashley, all the random people who shout stuff at him when he walks down the street, the fucking reporters knowing every intimate detail of his life, that’s the stuff that makes me want to run as far away as possible. But all he wants is to be a successful singer. And successful means famous. I can’t ask him to give up what he’s worked his whole life for, even if it’s imploding.”

  “Have you talked to him about this?”

  I didn’t even know if I could say it to him. “If we fight, that’s what it’s about. Either that or because I feel like I’m cheating on Jordan when I’m with him.” My mom gasped when I finally said it out loud. Something about those words set me free. “Anyway, in a couple months, he’s going to go to Nashville, if Nashville will still have him, to record an album. He thinks the producer is going to fire him. Oh! And the best thing. He thinks you and Dad are going to sue him.”

  Mom looked startled. “Why is that?”

  “Exactly what I said! He said because Ashley had her last drink at The Lonely Heart, you can sue him.”

  My mother shook her head. “We wouldn’t sue Cam. But we do have an appointment to talk to a lawyer about a civil suit against Ashley.”

  What? “You do?”

  “We need to make sure JR is provided for.”

  “Cam has already offered to do that.” I just couldn’t see my parents handling the stress of a civil trial against Ashley’s all-star legal team. They just weren’t even in the same league as those kind of people. And that was a very admirable thing. I would never want my parents to be anything like that. “He just doesn’t want to lose the restaurant. But he says he’ll do anything.”

  “Daisy, are you listening to what you’re saying?”

  Of course I was. Okay, I knew what she meant. I was planning all of our futures with Cam in it. And Cam was willing to do anything to make our lives better than they were right now. “Yeah. I know. It’s just not what I’m used to.”

  “Your dad and I don’t agree about everything, you know that. And I’m sure you and Jordan didn’t see eye to eye on everything. Me and you don’t agree on many things, but I still love you.”

  “I know.” I wiped my face clear of tears for the thirtieth time that day. “I just can’t ask him to give up his passion to make me happy. I won’t do that.” That wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

  “Just talk to him, you might be surprised.” Mom took both my hands in hers, then looked towards the window. The tiny blip of light from the interior lamp still shined. She pulled my hands towards her lap. “But I want to talk to you about something, first.”

  What else could there be? “Okay?”

  Her eyes started to tear over again. No. No more. I almost told her not to tell me what it was, but I couldn’t. “Since Roger decided that JR should stay with us, your father and I have been talking. Most preemies make a complete recovery, and live completely normal lives. The doctors and nurses, as you know, have been marveling at how well he’s doing. Barring any setbacks, he’s going to be just like any other little boy.”

  “What are you going to do with JR?” I suddenly had visions of them sending him off to Preemie Boarding School in Switzerland. They’d better not.

  “We think Evelyn would want you to raise him.” My mother’s words caught in her throat and broke. Silent sobs racked my body, coming up from my belly and escaping. Once we regained our composure enough for Mom to continue, she did. “When I was pregnant with you, Evelyn used to read to you from her little picture books. She’d talk to my belly. She loved you before she even met you. And when you were a baby, she used to want to dress you in her doll clothes. My greatest accomplishment will always be raising two girls who were so close. Neither of you had any idea how lucky you were to have a best friend like each other.” My mom could barely keep talking. “So if Evelyn can’t do it, she’d want it to be you.”

  I lost it. “But she thought I was mad at her,” I said between hyperventilating. “I was going to call her that night, and Cam said she was going to surprise me, and we never had a chance to talk! I never had a chance to say I was sorry!”

  “Sweetheart. No. Evelyn wasn’t mad at you anymore. Don’t beat yourself up about
that.”

  “But---“

  “Tell me how many times you were really mad at your sister when you got in a disagreement with her.”

  “A couple,” My lips quivered upwards into a smile. “But it always went away.”

  Mom picked up a corner of my sheet and dabbed my face with it. It was sweet, but kind of gross at the same time. Like sneezing all over your sleeve.

  “You’re going to make a great mother, Daisy.” She could barely get the words out. “But now, you need to go out and talk to Cam.”

  “Go home, Cam.” I leaned against the outside of the truck, my hands on the seam where the window came up. I honestly hadn’t been sure what I was going to say to him until the words came out of my mouth. And when they came, they shocked me as much as they did him.

  “No.” The interior light cast an eerie shadow on him, accentuating the down-turned lines of his face, making him look even sadder. “I’m not leaving without you.”

  I rested my head on my fingers. What had I just said to my mom upstairs? It made so much sense. I picked my head back up after listening to the static in my head for a minute. “You’ve been out here the whole time? Aren’t you hungry? Thirsty?”

  “Your mother invited me in, but I said no.”

  “Seems to be a pattern forming,” I said, and one corner of Cam’s mouth turned upwards. Had I ever told him how much I loved that? He clearly planned on fighting dirty tonight.

  “You wanted me to start standing up for what I wanted. Tonight seemed like the perfect time to do it, once I really found something worth fighting for.”

  “Stop,” I whispered. “It’s just that—“

  He took the top of my head in his hands, it was all he could reach, and kissed it. Fighting really dirty. But it made me smile, so he was winning.

  I had to put all my focus into making my case. “Everything that causes a problem in our relationship is because of that show. Ashley, all the people who always want your attention, no privacy. Ever since Jordan died, any time I’m caught in a crowd, I can’t even breathe. I don’t know how the two connect, but they do. I had a meltdown in Walmart one day. Like, and employee had to bring me out back so I could calm down. They called an ambulance for me. Do you know how awful it is to be the one that the EMTs tried to haul out of Walmart? Those reporters coming at us made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack. Just like it did that day in the bread aisle.”